Hidden in the Heart (25 page)

Tears of shame stung her eyes and she put her back to him.

“Claire, I just want to help.” Rick’s low voice settled her wild thoughts and calmed her. “I had a long talk with Mac and Jessie while you were in town. I’ve got a pretty good idea how your conversation with Michelle went. I know what’s in that bag because years ago I would have done exactly the same thing.” He paused and she heard his shaky intake of breath. “And I can sort of tell you what to do. I hear it’s a parent’s prerogative.”

Claire drew in a breath and let his words sink in. Her pulse was suddenly so erratic she feared it would stop altogether. That or she might pass out. She made a slow turn and locked eyes with him. “What did you say?”

Rick appeared just about as shell-shocked as she felt. He lifted his broad shoulders and let them slump. “Remember I told you I had a kid?” His eyes misted over and he scratched at his beard.

“Yes, but…” Realization flooded over her like a warm bath after an afternoon of skiing. The room began to tilt as the blood drained from her face.

“You should probably sit.” He took her arm and propelled her toward the couch. Claire thudded onto it and stared up at him.

“You’re serious. You’re my birth father? You and Michelle…”

“Yeah.” Rick paced the small room, stopping in front of the fireplace. “It’s a long story. Not one I’m proud of.” He lifted a wooden duck, examined it for a moment and put it down. He laced his hands at the back of his neck and emitted a long, battle-weary sigh.

Claire’s throat constricted as he moved past her and went to the kitchen. She watched him rifle through the bag and pull out the bottles she’d purchased. When he unscrewed the cap on the first one she gave a shriek.

“Don’t!” Claire bolted across the room and tried to take the bottle from him, but he held it high above his head. “If you drink that, you’ll regret it. Seriously, Rick, don’t do it.”

His deep chuckle broke the tension between them. “I wasn’t going to drink it.” He
took the few steps needed to reach the sink and poured the liquid down the drain. “Give me the other one.”

Claire held the bottle of liquor in her hands. Her pain had been so intense she’d forgone her usual penchant for wine and gone straight for the hard stuff. She looked at the dark liquid inside, tipped the bottle back and forth in her hands.

“Do you want it?” Rick watched her, caution written over his face. When he ran his tongue over his bottom lip, Claire saw something in him she hadn’t recognized before.

He was just as vulnerable as she was.

The glass felt cold against her skin, inviting. She could almost taste what was inside of it. None of this would hurt quite so much…

“What do you do when you’re tempted?” She met Rick’s eyes and held the bottle of liquor toward him like it was a weapon.

“Pray.”

Claire nodded, tried to smile, but couldn’t. She was so used to handling things herself, dealing with things her way, she’d already forgotten God. Guilt choked her and she endured another dose of shame.

He took the offending object, opened the lid and poured the stuff away. “Got any more in the car?”

“No. That’s it.” The battle over, Claire began to shake. She didn’t want to break down. She needed to stay strong, to hear what he had to say, to…

“Come here.” Rick put a hand on her shoulder and turned her toward him. “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Claire moved into his arms and began to cry.

They sat together on the couch for a long time. Finally she sat up, her eyes burning. “Why was she so awful to me? Is it so wrong to want to know where I came from? She made
me feel like I was committing murder or something.”

Rick rubbed her back and gave his head a shake. “She’s scared. My guess is she thought she’d be taking this secret to the grave. I didn’t even know if she’d had you. The last time we spoke she…”

He didn’t need to say it. Mac and Jessie had alluded to the same. The realization that her very existence had hung in the balance made her sick.

Claire sat back and crossed her legs under her. “Can you talk about it?” She placed a hand on his arm and saw his fear when he lifted his eyes to hers. “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

He leaned back against the cushions and turned toward her. “No, I’ll tell you. I owe you that much, Claire.”

“You don’t owe me anything. You saved my life. If it weren’t for you…”

He let out a frustrated groan and pushed himself up. Claire watched him pace the room like a caged animal, his eyes almost as wild. “Don’t put me on a pedestal. I’m not perfect. Far from it. Shelly will be the first to tell you that.”

He slumped down beside her again. “I still remember the day she and I met. I was about nine or ten, I guess. My grandparents had just bought the cabin and we were visiting. I was on the beach. I’d made this huge sandcastle, spent hours on it. It even had a wooden drawbridge you could pull up and down. She came racing down the beach, some kid chasing her, knocked it right over. Actually fell right on it.”

Claire clapped a hand to her mouth and tried to suppress a giggle. “And I bet you let her have it.”

“Oh, I started to.” Rick chuckled, his blue eyes dancing. “But then she fixed me with those big brown eyes…and I was done for. Haven’t been the same since.” He reached out a hand and gently brushed the side of Claire’s cheek. “You have no idea how much you look
like her. I didn’t really see it until now.”

Claire smiled, still processing it all.

Rick Matthews, her birth father. Unbelievable. Apart from having a knack for interior design, she didn’t possess a whole lot of artistic ability, but it certainly explained her temper. “So you grew up together?”

“I lived further away, Bar Harbor. But my grandparents lived here, in the place where I live now. I spent summer vacations here. Shelly’s parents had just moved here that year. She and I spent every hour of every summer together. We were best friends. I don’t think there was anything we didn’t talk about. Of course by the time she turned fourteen she decided it just wasn’t cool to have a guy friend.”

“Well, duh.” Claire rolled her eyes and laughed at the face he made. “Obviously she changed her mind at some point.”

A soft smile touched his lips, for a moment he seemed transported to another place and time. “My folks decided to move to Bethel after my grandmother died. Gramps wasn’t doing so well living on his own. So I enrolled in the same high school Shelly went to. She wasn’t too thrilled to see me, or so it seemed.”

“What did you do?”

“What do you think? Dated every girl that would go out with me of course.”

“And she was jealous?”

“Well, I guess.” He gave a shy smile and Claire poked him in the ribs.

“What? You can’t stop now. Tell me everything.”

“Argh.” He covered his face with his hands. Then he set his gaze on her once more. “She was dating some jock. A quarterback with a brain worth…well, you know. There was this big party after one of the games. I’m not even sure why I was there. The jerk got drunk out of his mind, got a little too fresh with her after she told him to knock it off, so I put him
out of his misery.”

“You punched him?” Claire bit her bottom lip and tried to conjure up that particular image. She couldn’t.

Rick chuckled and nodded. “Sent him flying. First and last time I ever threw a punch. Shelly just stood there, in shock. I took her home and…that was the beginning of us.”

“And I was the end.”

Rick pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled. The room grew warm as the midday sun infiltrated the pine paneling. Claire reached for the a/c remote and clicked it on. She listened to the mechanical hum, her thoughts reeling.

Rick sat in silence, winding his thumbs round each other. Claire went to the kitchen and came back with two sodas. He popped the lid on his and took a long gulp, settling his gaze on her once more.

“After she finished high-school, she was accepted to the same college I attended in Boston. She wanted to study Journalism and I was doing Fine Arts. I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. My roommate left for the weekend. Sleeping together wasn’t something either of us intended. Both of us were pretty grounded in our faith and wanted to wait.” His eyes pleaded with her, begged her to believe it. “We swore it wouldn’t happen again. But I guess we weren’t as strong as we thought we were. We talked about getting married in a year or two, as if that made it okay.”

“Everybody makes mistakes.” Claire hoped her smile covered the pain. She didn’t want to think of herself as a mistake, but the facts were there for her to see.

Michelle had spoken the truth.

Rick leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. He muttered something under his breath and when he turned to look at her again, his eyes red and moist. “When Shelly told me she was pregnant, I was furious. I was angry at myself, at my own weakness, and I took it
out on her. All I could think was what would people say? Her parents, my parents and grandparents. I was twenty years old, nowhere near ready to have a child. And there she was, pregnant and expecting me,
trusting
me, to have all the answers.” He choked on the words and fell silent again.

Claire’s tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. She couldn’t stand to see him so torn up, but she couldn’t stop it. She needed to hear this.

Rick gave a hoarse laugh. “I think Shelly figured I’d propose right then and there. We’d get married, have the baby and get on with life.” He raked his fingers through his hair and glared into the empty fireplace. “I loved her with all my heart but, God help me, I didn’t want to marry her. Not yet. I wanted to finish my degree. I wanted to travel, maybe go to Paris. Become a famous artist. So…” He faced her again, his eyes hooded. “I took off. Packed up my stuff, got in my yellow VW and hightailed it across the country. And I didn’t look back.”

“You left her.” Claire sat back and closed her eyes. The dull ache in her chest got stronger. “Where did you go?”

“California. I transferred to Berkeley and stayed out there. I buried my shame and pain at the bottom of a Jack Daniel’s bottle. I wasn’t sober a whole lot during that time. I guess I kind of hoped my mistakes would stay buried too, so I’d never have to deal with them. Looks like God had other plans.”

“How did you end up back here?”

“My grandfather died about ten years ago. Left his place to me. I had settled in New York and didn’t want to live here. I was going to sell it, but something made me come back one last time.” He pushed his fingers through his long hair and chuckled. “I ran into Mac in town. I walked circles around the aisles of the hardware store, hoping to duck out before he saw me, but I wasn’t quick enough. I thought he was going to cuss me out right there in front
of half the town, but he didn’t. He asked me up to the house for dinner.”

“Sounds like Mac.” Claire smiled but Rick shook his head. Something flickered in his eyes that she didn’t understand.

“Not the Mac I knew. But that’s for them to tell. Suffice to say we made our peace and they talked me into staying. I decided to give it a shot, got into A.A., got my life back…and here I am. Hiding out in the backwoods of Maine.”

Claire chewed on a fingernail and tried to think of something appropriate to say, but came up empty. The awful truth invaded her heart like a disease with no cure. He hadn’t wanted her. He’d run as far from his responsibility as he could.

And that left Michelle.

“Do you think…she really did want me?”

Rick’s lip curled in a half-smile and a tear rolled into his beard. He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I know she did. She’s angry now, and bitter, but that’s because of me, not you. Believe me, the Michelle I knew would have gone to hell and back for you.”

The ensuing silence said perhaps she had.

Claire swiped at her tears and scowled at him. “Why didn’t you go back to her? You could have changed your mind…you could have…”

“Claire.” A tender smile brought new light to his eyes. “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did what I did. I’ve lived with that regret for the past twenty-seven years. But you can’t play the what-if game. Life doesn’t work that way.”

Claire stood and marched to the mantle, taking deep breaths. “I really hate that you were such a jerk.” She nailed him with her eyes but he stared back, unflinching.

Rick raised his hands, gave a slight shake of his head and lowered them again. “You wanted to know what happened. It’s not the romantic fairy tale they make movies about, is it? Some stories are best left untold.”

“I don’t know if I believe that.” Claire stared into the fireplace.

Hard as it was to hear, to accept, it was the truth.

Truth she’d been seeking her whole life.

She’d asked for nothing less.

Claire made a slow turn, not quite ready to face him. Tears slipped down her cheeks, landed on her lips and inched their way into her mouth. “Would you have even cared if she’d had an abortion? Did you ever think…ever wonder what happened to me? I was your child too.”

In two strides Rick stood in front of her. “Claire…” His eyes shone as he cupped her face with his hands. “Yes. Yes, of course I wondered. I’ve thought about you every day since the moment I left her. I wondered…and I prayed that somehow you were spared, and that one day I’d get up the nerve to find Shelly and ask her about it.” He shook his head. “That day never came. You don’t know what it’s like to live with that kind of guilt, that kind of shame. I don’t expect you to understand, but I…I hope you can forgive me.” Rick let her go and stepped back, his eyes never leaving hers.

Claire pressed her lips together, unable to speak. She moved away from him and went to stand at the window. The lake shimmered under the sun’s glare. Happy shouts and the sound of splashing reached her ears. Other people living other lives, oblivious to the pain she was drowning under.

The hard truth of her entrance into the world fell at her feet. She’d had a good life, raised by two loving parents who’d given her everything. God had protected her, blessed her even. Was there any point in laying blame or casting judgment?

She was hardly qualified to do either.