Authors: Adèle Geras
*
A few days later, Edmund and Hester were sitting together in Lyons Corner House.
‘You’re not eating, Hester,’ he said. ‘You told me this was your favourite place in the whole of London and that was your favourite ice-cream but you haven’t touched it.’
‘I’m sorry, Edmund. I know. I’m rotten company, only I’m so …’ She reached for a hankie in her coat pocket and couldn’t find one.
‘Here, have mine.’ She took it, and wiped away a tear that had threatened to fall on to her cheek.
‘Thanks. I thought you might not notice …’
‘Not notice how miserable you are? You must be joking. Your face is very revealing. Your emotions are there for anyone to look at. It’s what makes you such a great performer.’
‘I’m not miserable. I’ve never been happier in my life. In some ways …’ Her voice trailed off. Edmund, across the table from her, took her hand and held it. He’d invited Hester to tea yesterday, after the
Red Riding Hood
rehearsal. Now that they were face to face, the normally voluble Edmund seemed not to know what to say.
‘Edmund …’
‘Hester …’
They spoke in unison and laughed.
‘May I speak first, Edmund? Only if I don’t speak now, I won’t dare later on. I’m making a huge effort not to get up and run away. Don’t look so worried. I’m not going to.’
She picked up the long, silver spoon, scooped up a little ice-cream and ate it. Edmund waited for her to speak, not touching the scone on the plate in front of him. ‘It’s Adam Lennister. I’m in love with him. We’re in love. I don’t know what to do.’
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, the tears came. They welled up in her eyes and she made
no effort to stop them. They ran down her cheeks as she picked up Edmund’s handkerchief.
Edmund moved his chair nearer to hers so that he could put an arm around her shoulders. ‘You can cry all you like. No one’s looking. We’re in luck because there’s hardly anyone here.’
‘What am I going to do? He’s married. But he loves me. He says he does. He says … doesn’t matter. But I can’t stop myself. I can’t …’
‘Have you …’ Edmund stopped, unable to say the words.
‘Yes. A week ago. I can’t concentrate on anything, Edmund. It’s unbearable. I think of him in class, at rehearsal. All the time. It’s only when I’m being Giselle that I manage to put him to the back of my mind, but then when I come offstage I’m longing to see him so much that I can’t get my breath. Have you ever felt like that? Sort of exhausted just with
wanting
someone?
‘Well, not quite in the way you describe it, no. But I’ve had my moments.’
‘I feel so stupid. God, isn’t it frightful how life imitates the silliest kind of romance? I’d think this was laughable if it wasn’t happening to me. I honestly didn’t think I was that interested in men. Dancing was everything.’
She put her head down on the table and put her hands over her hair, trying to disappear. Edmund leaned in to whisper, ‘Don’t, Hester. Please stop crying. It’s all right. It
will
be all right. I promise. I’ll look after you. Do stop crying. They’ll chuck us out,’ he went on, trying for a lighter tone, trying to make her laugh.
Hester sat up and used Edmund’s hankie again to dry her eyes.
‘I’m so grateful to you Edmund. You’ve become such a good friend to me so quickly. It’s such a
comfort to talk to you. But how can you say it’ll be all right? It won’t be. How could it? I’m hurting Virginia Lennister and I don’t even know her.’
‘You can’t help it sometimes. You can’t help falling in love. But you just have to, well, do the best you can. What does Adam say about this?’
Hester shook her head. ‘We don’t talk about it. We hardly talk …’ She blushed, remembering the three occasions when she and Adam had been together, since the first time. How they’d barely managed to close the front door of his flat behind them and greet one another before it began, the heat and the love and all the things they did to one another, the wash of feeling and emotion that didn’t allow any room for discussion. Hester thought of how hard it was to leave him, how he clung to her, how her whole body felt like a melting candle for hours afterwards. How guilty she felt when she remembered what she’d just done, when she thought of what Madame Olga would have said if she could have seen her. Hester shook her head. Edmund, understanding some of what she meant, was also a little red in the face.
‘He and Virginia haven’t got the best marriage in the world,’ he told her. ‘They’re not terribly well suited, but they’ve been together for some years. And, of course, Adam doesn’t make all that much money, so he’s somewhat financially dependent on her. If it wasn’t for Virginia, they couldn’t possibly live the way they do. I think he’d be quite happy spending a lot more time in London, but Virginia loves Orchard House. I don’t think she’s slept more than a couple of nights in their flat, whereas he often uses it when he’s up here burrowing about in libraries. And it sounds a strange thing to say in the circumstances but Adam’s a very honourable person. Very loyal. Does that sound mad? Also, of course, he’s much older than you are.’
‘You’re as old as he is, aren’t you? You don’t seem all that much older than me.’
‘He’s actually two years older than I am. He’s twenty-nine. I’m not saying age matters necessarily but you know how people talk.’
‘You mustn’t say a word!’ She grabbed Edmund’s sleeve. ‘Not to a soul. Not to Piers, not to anyone in the company. Dinah’s the only person I’ve told. Above all, don’t tell Adam. I promised him I wouldn’t tell. I couldn’t help it, though. I needed to say something to someone. Please say you won’t breathe a word. Promise me.’
‘I promise,’ Edmund said. ‘But it’ll come out, you’ll see. Someone will cotton on in the end. In fact, I’m surprised they haven’t already. Adam is sure to confide in me eventually. Come along, now. It’s time for rehearsal. Are you feeling up to it?’
‘It’s the only thing I can do, the one thing that distracts me from everything else.’
‘Then come along, Red Riding Hood. I will make sure you get to the Royalty and don’t get waylaid by Big Bad Wolves.’
Edmund tucked Hester’s arm under his as they made their way along the Bayswater Road. How lucky I am to have him as a friend, she thought. How kind he is. And maybe he was right. Maybe things would work out for the best. How could love such as she was feeling be anything but good?
28 December 1986
‘And a step and bend and lean over a little … that’s it. And back and up … Silver, concentrate. You look as though you’re miles away.’
‘I’m not miles away, Hugo. I’m right in front of you.’
‘You know very well what I mean. Not concentrating. Now try that sequence again.’
Silver’s mouth tightened, and she looked at him with evident incomprehension. She’s not used to being told she needs to try harder, Hugo thought. She’s been spoiled. Well, she’s met her match now. I’m not going to let her get away with being slack. He scrutinised her carefully as she moved. ‘Better. Could be more than just better, though. Could be spectacular. And will be, if I have anything to do with it. Okay, let’s move on. Nick, you come in now, please, just move towards Silver from upstage right … that’s it.’
Nick Neary was excellent, which was a great relief. Silver needed to depend on him, and although the Lover wasn’t exactly the Angel’s partner in the conventional sense, the best
pas de deux
in the ballet were the two they had together, as they fought over the Princess.
‘Okay, Silver, you have to be magnetic and menacing at the same time. You’re going to win in the end, because Death always does, but Nick has to be serious
competition. Nick, I want you to show the precariousness of love and all that.’
‘No problem, Hugo. Precariousness of Love is my middle name.’
Hugo and Silver both laughed and Hugo said, ‘Okay. Just once more and then we’ll break for today.’
He pressed the switch on the tape recorder and music filled the rehearsal room. Silver closed her eyes as she went into the short routine that she’d been learning this afternoon. Hugo could see that she still wasn’t giving it the one hundred percent effort that he expected of his dancers. Where had she been trained? She’d told him at the audition that she admired Hester Fielding more than anything; how could she say that and yet not be prepared to work her socks off? He knew that her relaxed attitude was that of the truly talented. She was so naturally good, so able to succeed with the minimum of effort, that she hadn’t ever had to put in the sweat that went with absolute perfection. Well, he thought, she won’t be able to get away with that for long. Not with me in charge. He watched her as she kept count of the steps, following the blocking out of the moves they’d just done, but she was holding something in reserve and she needed to give herself completely to the music. This tune, this theme, was Silver’s – the Angel’s variation on the dance that was at the centre of the whole ballet, the Sarabande itself: stately, dignified, passionate all at once. It was written for wailing saxophones and brass, and as Silver raised her arms above her head, Hugo knew he wouldn’t be satisfied till he could almost see feathers growing out of her skin and imagine that she had wings that might stretch out and carry her up and up as she took flight. She stood on point and lifted her right leg so high that it almost touched her ear. Nick was holding her. She was definitely one of the most gifted dancers Hugo had
ever encountered and he would get her to fulfil her potential if it was the last thing he did. The audience had to believe she was capable of flight.
‘Bloody hell, Silver,’ said Nick, when they were finished and pulling on jumpers and leg warmers for the walk back to Wychwood House. ‘I’ve heard of high kicks but that’s amazing.’
‘I can only do that if I know you’re there, so thanks. I couldn’t do it without you.’
‘Thanks, both of you,’ said Hugo. ‘It’s going to be great.’
‘Got to run,’ said Nick, who had hurried to the door.
‘Right,’ said Hugo. ‘Silver, may I have a word?’
‘Yes, okay,’ said Silver. She had pushed her ballet shoes into her bag and was buttoning up her cardigan. She smiled up at Hugo. ‘I’m getting the hang of it, I think.’
‘Yes, you are, but I have to say, Silver, I don’t think your mind is entirely on the work. Am I right? Is there something worrying you?’
Anger flared in her eyes.
‘You’re joking, aren’t you? Not entirely on my work? What are you saying? That I’m not up to scratch? No one else has ever complained about my dancing. I very nearly didn’t take this job, you know. Jacques Bodette is waiting for me. I hope I’m not going to start wishing I hadn’t agreed to dance with your company?’
Hugo deliberately made his voice gentle: ‘Don’t be angry, Silver. I’m not attacking you. I just think that you’ve been getting away with less than your best.’
‘I don’t believe it! What on earth are you saying? Are you saying you’re sorry you offered me the part? I’m not staying here if I’m not wanted.’
‘Of course you’re wanted, Silver. Please don’t misunderstand me. What I think is that you’re much better than anyone realises. Even you. I think you have it in you to be someone really …’ Hugo paused to find the right word. ‘Really legendary. But it’s going to take phenomenal work.’
‘What the hell do you think I’ve been doing all morning?’ Silver looked as though she would happily throw her huge handbag at his head. She was keeping her temper, but only just.
‘It’s a waste of your energy to be angry, Silver. We’re on the same side. All I’m trying to do is make you see that up to now you haven’t even begun to reach the heights you’re capable of.’
‘And you’re the one who’s going to get me there, are you?’
‘That’s right. I am. I just need you to help me a little.’
‘You’re wrong, you know. Does anyone ever tell the great Hugo Carradine that he’s wrong? I bet they don’t. But you are. And I’ll prove it to you. Of course I’m ready for the work.’
‘Then I’ll see you at rehearsal tomorrow, Silver. You’re going to be wonderful.’
He left the room, feeling her eyes on him, almost feeling the grimace that she was undoubtedly making behind his back. Let her pull faces, he thought, she’ll thank me in the end. She is going to be something that hasn’t been seen for a generation.
*
Who the bloody hell did Hugo Carradine think he was? Silver was so furious at what had just happened that, for at least thirty seconds, she was already packing in her mind – throwing her suitcase into the back of her car and getting away from this hellhole.
Then she calmed down a little, and took a deep breath. No way. She was not going to give up this chance. Not for Hugo bloody Carradine and not for anything else either. She wasn’t going to let Hester Fielding get the story from her pet choreographer, not if she had anything to do with it. He’d put it about all over the place that Silver O’Connell couldn’t cut the mustard when it mattered, and before long those clacking tongues that made sure every single rumour or story found its way everywhere would have done the damage and her reputation would be ruined. She pulled her scarf round her neck and squared her shoulders. There was nothing for it but to put up with his nonsense as best she could. She couldn’t get over how different he was once he was in charge. Like a lot of men, really. Just give them some power and watch how they become tyrants. He’d been such a sweetie at the audition. So flattering too.
You’re quite the most promising young dancer I’ve seen in years
were his exact words. What had happened since then?
As she walked back along the outdoor path, Silver tried hard to admire the garden, which was more like a park than the garden of a private house. It must take an awful lot of work to keep a place like this looking good. The wind was bitter and she put her head down to avoid the worst of it. She tried to think of the last time anyone had criticised her and couldn’t. Ever since she’d started dancing, there had been nothing but praise from every single person she came across. Silver looked up and saw the clouds dark over the moors and, for a split second, she allowed herself to consider whether what Hugo said could have any truth in it. Impossible. Didn’t she always try with one hundred percent of her energy and intelligence? A tiny voice, somewhere so deep in her mind that she hardly heard it, was saying,
you’ve always been able to do it with no
effort. No one’s noticed till now, that’s all
but Silver paid it no attention and turned her mind, deliberately, to other things.