He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (5 page)

We asked our female survey respondents (none of whom are married to the male respondents) why they believed their husbands stopped being sexual with them. These women had all self-identified as being in sexless marriages where the decision to stop being sexual was determined by their partners. As we did with the men, we asked women to rate a list of possible contributory factors on a scale that went from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The following table lists in descending order the percentage of women who agreed with each of the causes.

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HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

WHY WOMEN THINK THEIR PARTNERS STOPPED

reason percentage

(%)

He lost interest and I don’t know why.

66

He is depressed.

57

He is angry at me.

45

He is too tired.

44

He no longer finds me physically attractive.

40

He suffers from erectile dysfunction.

39

I am depressed.

36

He’s bored.

31

I have gained a significant amount of weight.

28

He has difficulty achieving orgasm.

27

He prefers to masturbate, but not while online.

27*

He prefers to watch pornography online and masturbate.

27*

He is on medication that lowered his libido.

26

He is interested in sex with other people, but not me.

25

He suffers from premature ejaculation.

20

He is/was having an affair.

19

He wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.

19

He doesn’t have the time.

18

I am not sexually adventurous enough.

14

I don’t seem to enjoy sex.

10

I am/was having an affair.

9

He is gay.

2

*These figures may overlap.

A sexless marriage is so degrading to the woman, and it takes away her self-esteem. It’s a lonely married life. (Female, 58, married forty years)

To be abandoned as a sexual partner by someone you have loved and trusted can corrode confidence and destroy once strong feelings why women think their husbands stop having sex 35

of sensuality and femininity. It is not surprising that so many women (66%) said they didn’t know why this happened, indicating that they were bewildered, confused, and just making an educated guess. Like the men, responsibility shifts away from themselves. Their partners are described as depressed and angry; they, for the most part, are adventurous and enjoy sex.

At times our female respondents describe extraordinary situations—for example, partners who appear to come from backgrounds so traumatic (sexual, physical, or emotional abuse) that a fear of dependency makes sustaining an intimate relationship impossible without extensive psychological counseling. These men often destroy any chance of closeness with multiple infidelities and/or complete indifference to their partners.

My husband was sexually molested by his father, and, in my opinion he has not learned how to overcome this experience. I am not sure whether he is gay or not interested in sex. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I want it and need it. I’m 34

and men hit on me all the time. One day, who knows?

Other men are depicted as alcohol or drug dependent to a degree that disallows a satisfactory sexual relationship; or, sadly, others suffer from physical illness that irrevocably precludes or limits sexuality.

My husband has several health issues, including type 2 diabetes.

Perhaps because of that I should not have responded to the survey. However, while the health issues are the primary cause of our sexless marriage, the fact that he has done little to improve his health is a significant factor. I do, to some extent, perceive that as his “choosing” a sexless existence. (Female, 30s) This woman typifies many who complained that their husbands had a condition that interfered with their performing adequately, but 36

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

refused to either alter their lifestyle or seek medical help. It is possible that these men are using their medical problems as an excuse to stop being sexual with their wives, and are comfortable with the way things are.

When it comes to sexual equipment, almost all men fall well into the satisfactorily serviceable range, but that doesn’t mean they believe it.

However, only two women suggested that their husband’s insecurity about penis size might be a contributing factor, although they may also be laughing at the enemy:

He doesn’t think he can satisfy me. He is very self-conscious about his size. (Female, 27)

He also has a very small penis. (Female, 52) It has been theorized that size once mattered a lot. The human male has a large penis compared with other, comparable, mammals.

For example, a 160-pound man has an average erection of five and a half inches, a 400-pound gorilla averages one inch. Size may have been an indication of power and strength to primitive females. A large penis may have been used to impress and intimidate other males, and thus eliminate them as sexual rivals. Either way, the well-endowed male had a better chance of mating with young and fertile partners, and just possibly, the larger size got his sperm closer to the cervix so he had a better chance of impregnating them as well.

Although it has been conventional wisdom for decades that size doesn’t count, to a lot of men (and some women), it does. Our Google search for “penile enhancement” got 1,480,000 results, countless advertisements, and spam we never even dreamed existed.

It is highly unlikely, however, that size would cause a man to stop being sexual with a longtime partner, unless, in anger, she made a cruel, nonretractable comment.

why women think their husbands stop having sex 37

A man has a hard time admitting that he never cared
about sex; so much of his personal net worth
is tied into his sexuality.

And then there were the women who thought that sex was not on their guy’s agendas right from the start. Nineteen percent agreed that

“he was never that into sex to begin with.” Men overwhelmingly disagreed, only 3 percent said this was a possibility. A man has a hard time admitting that he never cared about sex; so much of his personal net worth is tied into his sexuality.

Before we were married I was not getting as much sex as I wanted. He would tell me that I was being unreasonable and he just didn’t want it as much as I did. (Female, 32) He’s Depressed

American physicians wrote 118 million prescriptions for antidepressants in 2005, so it is not surprising that so many women believe their nonsexual spouses are depressed. It has been estimated that half of all couples seeking therapy for marital issues have at least one clinically depressed partner, and often, the more obviously symp-tomatic masks depression in the other. If, indeed, only one is depressed, the other may exacerbate the situation by trying to get his/her partner to “snap out of it.” It is indisputable that depression causes a loss of libido, and so do some, but not all, medications to alleviate it.

I think that he may not ever have been very interested in sex.

The signs were there before we got married, but I ignored them. Halfway through our marriage, I think depression kicked 38

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

in so he wasn’t able to fake it and even try anymore. He never initiated and turned me down at least half the time I initiated.

(Female, 40)

Interestingly, 57 percent of the women said they believed their husbands were depressed, but only 34 percent of the men agreed they were. However, 40 percent of the male respondents thought their wives depressed.

He’s Very Angry at Me

Almost half of all respondents agree—these men are angry! Some women can’t explain it at all: “I’m not sure why he is angry at me. I just know that he is.” Some think they can: “He has never succeeded in business, and actually came to work with me in the business that I own. I realize this could be emasculating for him. I try to let him know I value him for the work he does, but he still insults me constantly.”

Anger at the trivial can mask anger at things too
painful to explore.

Many women admit to being critical, aware that this is exacerbating the problem, but they are either unwilling or somehow unable to stop.

In other words, his behavior causes her criticism causes his anger, resulting in a never-ending libido-lowering downward spiral. The following 47-year-old woman identified as having a partner who was extremely angry. Her husband has “gained a significant amount of weight and refuses to lose it,” and, instead of being intimate, “he’d rather be on the Internet and watch TV at the same time.” We asked her, in an online interview, to try and explain why she thought he was so angry.

why women think their husbands stop having sex 39

He says that I’m “too controlling and always right.” Too critical might better describe it. He isn’t as detail oriented as I am, so he gets annoyed when I have to redo something he did, like clean the bathroom. When we’re cleaning up after dinner, he leaves before we’re finished—my standards of cleanliness are higher than his. I always clean up after myself in the bathroom (wipe down the sink and mirror) but he refuses to do so. He says “he forgets.”

One partner is often neater than the other, and, at the risk of being stereotypical, it’s usually the female. This can, of course, be approached with humor instead of derision and discussed rationally with an attempt at achieving détente. The degree of significance attached to not doing a perfect job cleaning the kitchen sink, or putting the cap back on the toothpaste tube, is likely to be in direct propor-tion to other marital issues of far greater importance. Anger at the trivial can mask anger at things too painful to explore, just as constantly refusing to comply with the easy stuff, like wiping off a bathroom counter, can indicate suppressed hostility, and purposeful annoyance. It can be a way to start a much desired fight, something to throw a pail of water on passion before it can even catch fire. When she complains to him of his negligence, here’s what she says happens:

It inevitably disintegrates into him yelling and leaving the room, saying something like “Forget it. I can’t win.”

But how does she
really
feel?

His behavior, his negative attitude, his passive aggressiveness, and his lack of spontaneous affection . . . Well—I don’t want to have sex with him, either!

40

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

Boy Meets Computer

His addiction to porn meant more to him than me and our marriage. He stopped having sex with me, but
I
would find him on a porn site almost every weekend morning, when we could have been making love. I just don’t get it. What is it about men and porn? (Female, 40s)

Pornography is ubiquitous, and we’ve established that some male respondents are just saying yes to solitary sex—exclusively—and many female respondents believe the computer to be a serious rival for their husband’s erotic attention. Sometimes porn is blamed for a sexless relationship, allowing serious physical or psychological issues to be left unexplored. This is not to suggest that all men who use porn online or elsewhere stop having sex with their wives. But sadly, often the Internet not only augments the real thing, it replaces it.

It was very hurtful to understand he preferred pornography to me and that was why we had sex so infrequently. (Female, 53) She may have hit upon an inconvenient truth about her husband’s preference for pornography over partnered sex, and it may not have anything to do with how she looks. It might be his way of maintaining emotional distance and avoiding intimacy. He’s 56; he may have some performance anxiety he’d rather not deal with. Or he may find it a lot simpler and faster to focus only on his own pleasure.

We almost never have sex anymore. He seems addicted to pornography, and I really think he enjoys what is essentially just masturbation more than he ever enjoyed sex with me. I even tried watching with him, but I just didn’t like it. (Female, 36) why women think their husbands stop having sex 41

This woman brings up the question of addiction. Addiction to online pornography is not a pathology recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. Some therapists say it doesn’t exist; others believe it does. Some say it is abnormal behavior, but call it a compul-sion, or poor impulse control. Whatever the label (and we, frankly, don’t care), it’s damaging to the preceding couple’s marriage and life.

It is positive that she attempted to watch with him, and also positive that she refused to continue watching when she realized it made her uncomfortable. It also indicates that he is open about what he is doing, which is preferable to being secretive. Alternatively, she may be using his passion for pornography to diffuse other issues in their marriage. This allows her to escape responsibility for his loss of desire.

He waits to go on these sites until after I leave the house or go to bed. He told me he doesn’t have a high sex drive, but that has to be false given the frequency he goes to porn sites. (Female, 30)

This woman concludes that her husband is lying when he says he doesn’t have a high sex drive, because he visits erotic sites, secretly, on a regular basis. Sadly, she’s correct—he is interested in sex, or at least orgasms, just not with her.

Thirty-nine percent of our female respondents reported that their husbands watched pornography online, 27 percent that their husbands masturbated while online, and 27 percent believed they masturbated without visual stimulation. These figures may all overlap. Clearly, some men are fueling their masturbatory fantasies in a variety of ways, or their wives think they are.

Online or off, it’s all jealousy provoking and difficult to accept. It can be painfully uncomfortable for a woman to imagine her partner furtively performing acts of solitary sex instead of making love to her, 42

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

focusing on a porn actress, centerfold, or some girl with a video cam, people who are willing to perform acts in public that she probably wouldn’t dream of doing in private. The two quotes that follow are representative of many: