Her Fearful Symmetry (25 page)

“The old Post Office was nearby. The postmen used to eat their lunch here.”

Valentina wandered over to a sign on the church wall. GUILD AND WARD CHURCH OF ST BOTOLPH-WITHOUT-ALDERSGATE. She looked at Robert, who smiled and shrugged. She took a few steps towards the shed at the back of the park.

“Warmer,” he said. Julia was there and Valentina hurried to join her. The shed building was covered in beautiful white tiles, which were lettered with blue inscriptions:

The twins wandered back and forth, reading the plaques. There seemed to be hundreds of them.

“You’re kind of sick, you know that?” Julia told Robert. He looked slightly hurt.

“They’re memorials to ordinary people who sacrificed themselves for others. I think they’re beautiful.” He turned to Valentina, who nodded.

“They’re nice,” she said. She wondered why Julia was being so mean. Usually this was exactly the sort of thing they both found interesting. There was something very strange about the plaques; the stories were extremely abbreviated, hinting at mayhem, but they were decorated with flowers and leaves, crowns, anchors. The ornamentation belied the words: drowned, burned, crushed, collapsed.

All these ordinary catastrophes crowded in on Valentina. She went back to sit on the bench. Just to be sure, she got out her inhaler and took two puffs. Julia and Robert watched her.

“She has asthma?” Robert asked.

“Yeah. But I think at the moment she’s trying to fend off a panic attack.” Julia frowned. “Why did you bring us here?”

“This was one of Elspeth’s favourite spots. If she was around to give you the grand tour she would have brought you here herself.” They began walking towards Valentina. “Shall we have lunch?” Robert unpacked the sandwiches and distributed food and drink to the twins. They sat in a row on the bench and ate quietly.

“Are you okay?” Robert asked Valentina.

She glanced at Julia and said, “I’m fine. Thanks for bringing lunch, this is good.”
Say something nice, Julia.

“Yeah, really good. What are we eating?”

“Prawn-mayonnaise sandwiches.”

The twins inspected the insides of their sandwiches. “It tastes like shrimp,” said Julia.

“You would call it a shrimp-salad sandwich. Though I’ve never understood where the salad idea comes into it.”

Julia smiled. “We’ve been trying to teach ourselves British. Logic does not apply.”

Valentina said, “Have you ever been to America?”

“Yes,” Robert replied. “Elspeth and I went to New York a few years ago. And the Grand Canyon.”

The twins were puzzled. “Why didn’t you come to see us?” Julia asked.

“We talked about that. But in the end she decided not to. There were some things she never told me. Perhaps if she’d known she was going to die-?” Robert shrugged. “She was reticent about her past.”

The twins looked at each other and silently agreed that Valentina would ask for the favour. “But you have her papers, right? So you know everything now, right?” Valentina put down her sandwich and tried to seem casual.

“I do have her papers. I haven’t read them.”

“What? How could you not read them?” Julia could not suppress her indignation.

Hush, Julia. I’ll do it.
“Aren’t you curious?”

“I’m afraid,” Robert said.

“Oh.” Valentina glanced at Julia, who looked about ready to run home and read Elspeth’s papers whether Robert liked it or not. “Well, we were wondering, um, if you would mind, if we could read them? I mean, we’re living in her place with all her stuff, and we don’t know her, and, you know, we’re interested. In her.”

Robert was shaking his head before Valentina finished speaking. “I’m sorry. I know she was your relation, and ordinarily I would gladly hand over the lot. But Elspeth told me you weren’t to have them. I’m sorry.”

“But she’s
dead,
” Julia said.

They sat in silence. Valentina was sitting next to Robert, and without Julia seeing she reached down and took his hand. Robert laced his fingers with hers. Valentina said, “It’s okay. Pretend we didn’t say anything about it. We’re sorry.” Julia rolled her eyes. Her bruise was smaller today; she had covered it with make-up, but Valentina felt bad just looking at her. She wondered if Robert had noticed.

“It’s not my decision,” he said. “And not knowing what’s in there, I can’t tell you why it would be better if you don’t read her papers. But Elspeth did care about you, and I don’t think she would have been so adamant about this if it wasn’t important.”

“All right, all right,” said Julia. “Never mind.”

Clouds had appeared in the narrow sky above the park and scattered drops of rain began to fall. Robert said, “Perhaps we’d better pack up.” The picnic had been a failure, not at all the urban idyll he had imagined that morning. They filed out of the park, each dejected in various degrees. But on the bus Valentina sat next to Robert and Julia sat in front of them, and he offered Valentina his hand. She placed her hand in his and they rode in surprised and contented silence back to Highgate.

M
ARTIN DREAMED he was on the underground. It was a Circle-line train, the sort of carriage where all the seats face the aisle. At first he was the only passenger, but soon people began to get on, and he found himself staring at his knees to avoid looking at the crotch of the man crowded against him. He wasn’t sure what station he was supposed to get off at; since it was the Circle line they would all come round again and again, so he stayed where he was, trying to remember where he was going.

Martin heard peculiar noises coming from the seats directly across from him-crunching, ripping, chewing sounds, which increased in volume as the train went on. Martin began to be anxious-the sounds worked on his nerves like grinding teeth. Something rolled up against his foot. He looked down. It was a walnut.

The train stopped at Monument and quite a few people got off. Now he could see across the aisle. Two young women sat together. They wore scuffed white trainers and medical scrubs, and each had a shopping bag resting on her lap. Both women had protruding eyes and pronounced overbites. They wore wary expressions, as though prepared to defend their bags against thieves. Both women delved into the bags with shovel-like hands, scooping out walnuts and ripping them open with their huge teeth.

“Wotchalookin’ at?” said one to Martin. He could hear walnuts rolling all over the floor. No one else seemed to notice. Martin shook his head, unable to speak. To his horror, the women got up and seated themselves on either side of him. The one who had spoken before leaned over and put her mouth to his ear.

“We’re squirrels in human form,” she whispered. “And so are you.”

W
E’VE GOT to get you to a doctor,” said Julia. Valentina nodded and wheezed.

But this was easier said than done. The twins were blissfully unaware of the intricacies of the NHS. Robert tried not to sound exasperated as he filled them in.

“You can’t just show up and expect them to attend to your problem,” he told Valentina when the twins accosted him outside his door. He stood holding a sheaf of letters and waved them about for emphasis as he talked. “You have to find out which GPs are accepting new patients and ring them to make an appointment to register. And then you fill out a pile of forms and give them your history. And
then,
and only then, are you allowed to make an appointment.” Valentina started to say something and coughed instead.

Julia shook her finger at Robert as though he had personally invented the National Health Service. “No way,” she said. “The Mouse needs a doctor right now.”

“Go over to Whittington Hospital, then, to A & E.” And that was what they ended up doing. Robert came with them.

Whittington Hospital was a sprawling thing located just down Highgate Hill, on the other side of Waterlow Park. They walked there. The spring wind was damp and stiff, and by the time they arrived Valentina was breathing in deep, stomach-clenching gasps.

After some questions and some waiting, Valentina was whisked away by a young Pakistani nurse. Julia and Robert could hear the nurse making low-pitched sounds of reassurance as she hustled Valentina through the double doors that separated the waiting room from the A & E department proper. They settled down to do the forms with the middle-aged, basset-jowled white man who sat at the intake desk.

“Allergies?”

“Tetracycline, mould, soy,” said Julia.

“Existing conditions?”

“Well,” said Julia, “she has situs inversus.” The intake man, who had seemed utterly bored with them, now looked up at Julia and raised his eyebrows inquisitively. “We are mirror twins, and she’s mostly reversed inside. Her heart’s over here,” Julia laid her hand on her chest, just to the right of her sternum, “and her liver and kidneys and whatnot are all backwards of mine.” The man considered this, and then began typing rapidly.

“I didn’t know that,” said Robert.

“Well, now you do,” said Julia irritably. “It’s not like it matters or anything, unless you’re Valentina’s doctor.”

“I meant the bit about you being mirror-image twins. I thought you were identical twins. That is, wouldn’t mirror twins be more…opposite?”

Julia shrugged. “We’re pretty symmetrical, so it doesn’t show that much in our faces. You can notice it better if you look at the way our hair parts, or our moles, or if you saw a pair of X-rays, then you could really see it, because she’s so opposite. She has an asymmetric non-flail mitral-valve prolapse,” she added, to the intake man.

“What does that mean?” asked Robert.

“There’s a valve that isn’t formed right,” replied Julia. “That’s why I’m so worried about her breathing like that. It might put a strain on her heart, and then we’d be in big trouble.”

“I can’t believe you’ve been in London for almost three months without getting her a doctor!” Robert was feeling extremely anxious, suddenly, and he spoke sharply.

She retorted, “We were going to do it and we’ve just been putting it off ’cause we weren’t sure how to find one. It’s not like we haven’t been thinking about it.” Julia knew that this was an inadequate reason, and it made her cross. She finished the paperwork and they went back to their seats in the waiting room.

The diagnosis was bronchitis. They took a cab up the hill, Valentina huddling in Julia’s arms, coughing. In the front hall, back at Vautravers, the twins began to walk upstairs, and Robert tried to follow them. “No,” said Julia. “We’re all right. Thanks.” She turned away brusquely.

Robert said, “But she needs-”

“
I
take care of her. That’s
my
job.” Julia watched Valentina slowly ascending the stairs, pausing on each step.

“I could get the prescription,” Robert offered.

Julia considered. It would be helpful; Boots was a bus ride away. “Okay. Here.” She handed over the prescription as though she were doing Robert a favour, not the reverse. He went out the front door, a man on a mission.
I take care of her. Not you,
Julia thought. She followed Valentina into their flat. She filled the hot-water bottle before she took off her coat, and went to the bedroom, where Valentina was slowly undressing.

“Where’s Robert?” Valentina asked, as though she hadn’t heard their conversation.

“He went to Boots,” Julia said.

Valentina got into bed without comment. Julia gave her the hot-water bottle, set up the vapourizer, fetched the book Valentina had been reading, made tea; she did all these things purposefully and quite happily, humming to herself as she accomplished all the little comforting tasks. She came into the bedroom with the tea to find the Kitten curled up near Valentina’s head and Valentina herself asleep. The Kitten stretched out a paw and placed it protectively on Valentina’s shoulder, eyeing Julia with suspicion.
You too?
Julia thought.
We all want to be her only one.
She set the tea tray on the bedside table. It occurred to Julia to wonder,
If I got sick, would everyone rush to my bedside?
The thought made her irritable. She never got sick, what was the point of wondering that? Valentina’s breath rattled in her throat. Julia settled herself in the window seat with her own cup of tea, causing Elspeth, who had been there all along, to get up and stand next to the bed, biting her thumb, worrying. It was an anxious day for everyone: humans, cats, and ghosts.

Edie sat at her dining-room table drinking coffee with the telephone at her elbow; she was not actually looking at the phone, just having it near because it was going to ring in a few minutes. Jack wandered over, carrying the Sunday
Times
. He began to separate it into his and hers piles. Edie put her hand out and he placed the business section in it. She flipped it open and ran her finger down the stock tables, making little
tsk
ing sounds as she did so. The phone rang. Edie took a sip of her coffee as though she were in no hurry and let it ring three times. Jack went down the hall to pick up in their bedroom.

“Mom?”

“Hi, Julia,” said Edie.

“Valentina?” said Jack.

“Hi, Dad,” said Valentina. She tried to make her voice sound normal but the effort sent her into a coughing fit.