Heavenly (21 page)

this. I'll take you."

"I want him back," she said against my chest.

"I know."

"You don't know what it's like to lose someone you love."

I took a deep breath. I hadn't seen Matthias in what felt like forever. I missed him. Missed him so much I sang stupid

songs to keep my brain filled so his face didn't sneak in and distract me. But he was like a catchy tune I couldn't get out of my head.

"Let's talk about how we can get Weston back," she mumbled.

Mrs. Deuterhaus, the spindly librarian was headed our direction, her black eyes sharp behind her silver-rimmed

glasses.

"Let's talk later though, I think Mrs. Deuterhaus is getting mad."

"I don't care about that witch," Britt's shrill voice carried with the pitch of breaking glass. "I have to figure this out. I love him, don't you get it?"

"Shh. Yes, I get it." I held Britt close, hoping she'd bawl in my sleeve or something—anything to shut her up.

Mrs. Deuterhaus stopped at our table. "She's drunk. Get her out of here before I call security."

"Um. Sure."

"So what if I'm drunk," Britt spat. "How would you know what lost love is like? You're old and ugly and—-"

"That's it!" Mrs. Deuterhaus whirled around and marched back to the desk.

I jumped to my feet, gathered my books and nudged Britt. "Come on, we have to get out of here before you get

nailed."

Dragging Britt from the serene library was like yanking a wet cat out of a bathtub.

"You're old and you don't know anything," Britt hissed at Mrs. Deuterhaus, now behind the counter and on the phone, her eyes blazing.

"Stop talking," I told Britt. I ignored the curious faces we passed on our way out the door. A whoosh of book-scented air and we gusted out of the library. I broke into a run. "Hurry!"

Britt stumbled along behind me, laughing, tripping, making a fool out of herself. I'd never seen her drunk in daylight.

She usually reserved this Britt for nighttime.

We finally made it to my car and I opened her door. She collapsed inside, laughing hysterically. There was no way

security would find us, not if we booked it right out of there.

But I was supposed to bring Luke home.

I got in, shut the door and whipped out my cell phone, then texted him.

where r u? i'm leaving

No answer. I re-sent the text, started the car and backed out, my heart pumping. I kept my eye out for grey-uniformed

security guards but didn't see any. I wasn't sure if our escape was enough to protect Britt from the consequences other actions in the library. Mrs. Deuterhaus could ID her. Surely the school administration had better things to do than pad the librarian's bruised ego by stalking a student and punishing them.

I drove out of the parking lot, searching for Luke. Still no response. Where was he?

"So," Britt finally stopped laughing. "You gonna help me get Weston?" She sniffed.

I looked over. Her face was puny, her eyes red. A tear streamed down one cheek. I was amazed that she felt so

strongly for a guy she hadn't known very long. This was not her usual disposable МО.

"I'll do what I can. Right now, I have to find Luke."

"Brady said he's been hanging with his brother the last few days."

My head whipped around to face her. "When did you hear this?"

Britt lay against the seat, eyes closed, face taut. She shrugged. "Don't remember."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't Brady say something?"

"No one wants to say stuff like that, Zoe, you know that. That's like being the grim reaper."

I'd thought Brady and I had a connection—our brothers being users— and that meant we'd look out for them. If it had

been me who'd found out Luke and Kevin were hanging together, I'd have told him.

I circled the school, but didn't find Luke.

"I'm going to Brady's," I said.

"Oh no," her voice cracked. She covered her face with her hands, and cried again.

"What?"

She shook her head.

Panic flushed through me. "Is it about Luke?"

Sobbing now, Britt shook her head again.

"Oh," my heart slowed a little. "Then what is it? Britt talk to me."

"Nothing." Her face was crimson when she took her hands away, wiping them across her eyes and nose, smearing

mascara into snot.

I reached over, opened my glove box and handed her a napkin I'd stuffed in there when I'd taken Abria out for fries.

Haphazardly, she dragged it across her face. "I screwed up is all. Screwed up." Her deathly silence spoke volumes: she'd done more than give Brady her phone number.

"What happened? Tell me."

Tears streamed from her eyes. She turned her gaze out the window. "We ran into each other that night. The night you

wanted to come over? Remember how I wanted to meet you at Starbucks? Weston was doing something. Since you couldn't

make it, I called Brady and asked him if he wanted to, you know, hang out."

"Britt!"

"I know, I know. But I was lonely."

"You couldn't wait a couple of hours for Weston?"

She shook her head, sobbed. "I'm so weak. It's pathetic."

I agreed, but didn't say anything.
The flesh of man is weak.
I heard Matthias' voice clear as stream water in my head.

He was right. Now, Britt had lost everything because of one weak moment.

"So what happened? Weston see you guys?"

"No. We went to the gas station and got a drink. Then Brady asked if I wanted to go back to his house and watch a

movie or something. I said, sure. We drove separately to his house," she added emphatically but it didn't help— she was

defending a dead horse.

"Everything was fine. We talked, watched the movie. We even talked about you. That's when I found out about Luke

and Kevin."

"What else happened between you two?"

"He kissed me."

"You... let him?"

She nodded, turned away. Sobbed.

"Britt. Why did you let him?" I couldn't understand when a heart loved another heart, how something like a kiss could happen. For a second, I imagined Matthias. I wouldn't let another guy anywhere near my heart if it belonged to him.

"He was so sweet and cute and he wanted me."

"You don't do that when you care about somebody else, though."

She bawled into the soggy napkin. "I know, I know. I couldn't stop myself."

I let out a sigh. "So how did Weston find out?"

"Brady leaked it. I couldn't believe he told him!"

"You were a trophy kiss to Brady, that's all. In some twisted way, he wanted Weston to know that though Weston is

Mr. Hotshot he couldn't hold onto you."

"Why would he do that?"

"Guys have huge egos." I pulled onto Bradyś street, ready to storm up to his door and rip his eyes out. "Did you really think he'd keep it to himself? You're Britt. Every guy wants a crack at you and if they can take one, they will."

She whipped her head at me. Her face was streaked black from mascara and purple and pink from eye shadow. Red

blush mottled her cheeks. "You think I'm a slut?"

"I didn't say that. Besides, it's not what I think, it's what the guys think." She had been around, that was truth. But so had 1.1 wasn't about to cast the first stone, no matter how tempting it was to show her how wrong her behavior really was.

"You're such a hypocrite," she shrieked. "You don't know half of what they say about you!"

The blood in my veins simmered. I yanked the car over in front of Brady's house and slammed on the brakes. Britt

Hew forward, banging into the dashboard. "This isn't about me. I'm not the one who couldn't wait two hours for my boyfriend I supposedly love, and hooked up with his best friend!"

"We didn't hook up!"

"What's the difference? Infidelity is infidelity."

She slapped me.

Our breaths were heavy, fast and angry. The windows of the car started to fog. I glared at her. The slap didn't have

much punch; she was weak in more than just commitment.

"Get out," I said.

"Fine." She pushed open the door.

"Ask Brady to give you a ride. Oh, wait, you already did that, didn't you?" I snapped.

Hurt flushed over her face. Instantly, I hated myself for saying something so ugly. I wanted to apologize but couldn't.

The sight other standing there, her beauty smeared like war paint, her demeanor miserable and lost—I didn't want to think I'd ever looked like that, much less
been
like that. I never wanted to be like that again.

Rather than go to Brady's door, she turned and started down the street, stumbling in her heels.

I got out, slammed my door and fumed.
I should go after her.
She'd probably take a ride from Jack the Ripper she was so upset. It was a long walk to her house. Maybe she'd text somebody else for a pick up; she had a million guys in her cell

phone. I looked at Brady's house, anger firing up and stomped through the snow to the door.

I pounded.

Brady's brother, Kevin, opened the door. He had black, shaggy hair and wore the uniform all skaters and druggies

wore: pants past the butt and huge tee shirts. His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. "Uh."

"Is Brady here?"

"Uh..." He glanced behind him, then looked at me. "No, he's not."

"Do you know where he is?" I demanded.

"Zoe?" Luke peered out from behind Kevin. "How did you find me?"

Anger turned to twisted pleasure. I grinned. "I know everything. Get your butt in my car."


THIRTEEN


"Why didn't you answer my text?" I shifted gears as we headed down the street.

"I just wanted some chill time, you know?"

"Except your definition of chill includes pot."

"Not today. Look, I'm not breaking the rules. I'm here. So don't say anything to Mom and Dad, k?"

I took a right and headed into our neighborhood. "I'll consider it."

"We weren't doing anything."

He didn't look high and he only stunk of cigarette smoke. Maybe he was telling the truth. "Okay. How about chilling

at home, like you're supposed to?"

"I can't be there anymore. It's too depressing."

"Of course it's depressing."
And you're the cause of it.
"Why do you think Mom and Dad are so down?"

He turned his face away, stared out the window, and shrugged.

He had to know. He just didn't want to admit he was the reason for the gloom that resided in our house now.

When Luke and I got home, Mom and Dad were seated at the dinner table with Abria. Garlic and spices scented the

air and tickled my stomach. For a second, the two of us stood together at the table. I had hopes of Luke eating with us,

knowing the gesture would soothe Mom and Dad.

"Luke, I'm glad you're here," Mom said. "I planned dinner early, hoping to catch you."

"How was school?" Dad asked, his expression as eager as Mom's.

"Good." Luke stuffed his hands in his front pockets, lowered his head.

"Sure smells great." I pulled out a chair but didn't sit, anxious to see what Luke was going to do.

"I'm not hungry." Luke started toward the stairs.

Mom's expression sagged like an apron with cut strings. She looked at Dad.

Dad took his cue from Mom. "You sure?"

Luke was already out of sight. "Yeah," he called.

Mom closed her eyes.

Appetite gone, I wanted to run away from the depressing mood we'd brought into the house. "At least he came

home," I offered. Abria was crawling on the kitchen counter like a hungry cat.

Mom picked up her fork and resumed eating. "But I want more than that."

"We all want more than that," I said. "But he's here and he's clean. That's worth celebrating."

From the counter, Abria clapped her hands and made chirping noises, her gaze flipping around the room. She broke

out in a long stream of laughter. The day’s events had worn me to tissue. I was ready to rip. I had a sudden craving for a

drink, and hated that I did. I tried to finish my dinner but the craving gnawed at my bones until I thought I'd scream.

Mom and Dad went back and forth discussing Luke but I didn't tune in. I was eaten alive with the urge to drink.

I put my fork down. "I'm done." I stood, picked up my plate. "Thanks. Dinner was really good. I think I'll take Abria on a drive now if that's okay with you?"

"Okay." Mom said. "She'll love that."

I took my plate to the sink like a robot, my mind spinning with only one thought: drink. I closed my eyes, tried to

force the obsessive thought out, but its roots spread fast and deep. Already, I was planning. Drive to Britt's.

Knock on the door.

Grabbing my head, I vainly squeezed. Maybe pressure would rid me of the urge. Nothing. I let out a deep breath. I

had to get out of there. That would help.

Abria now laid on the counter, flapping and staring up at the canned lights in the ceiling. "Come on." I picked her up, hoisting her at my hip like a sack of potatoes and headed toward the front door.

"Be careful," Mom called.

I drove aimlessly through town, my mind crowded with the obsession to drown pressure with a bottle of vodka. In the

backseat, Abria sat strapped in, looking wide-eyed out the window. Abria's angelic chatter made me sigh. How could I go to

Britt's? Not that Britt cared if I brought Abria over. She liked Abria. Drinking then driving us home was the problem. But the gnaw inside of me intensified,

If I gave into this craving, I'd be no better off than Luke. A strong presence filled the car—as if a magnet the size of

the moon had been dropped in the back seat. My gaze whipped up to the real-view mirror.

Matthias.

Happiness flooded me. "What are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you again, Zoe." His radiant face was so captivating I couldn't take my eyes away from him. With a nod he gestured to the road. I looked at the street and swerved to keep from hitting an oncoming car.