Heaven and Mel (Kindle Single) (7 page)

He faces possible criminal charges for allegedly assaulting Oksana. He has continuing court hearings to attend that will decide who gets custody of their daughter, Luci, and he has serious business concerns: The word on his Jodi Foster film, "The Beaver," isn't good, and he has to do reshoots on the film that he himself has financed to the tune of $20 million — "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" — and in which he also stars.

When we begin talking about "The Maccabees," he keeps veering off and talking about Catholicism.

He asks me if I've had a chance to read the book he sent me about the Catholic Church — "The Robber Church" by Patrick Henry Omlor. I tell him I haven't had the time.

"You should make time," he says, almost sharply, "you'll learn more about the Catholic Church from that book than from anything else!"

He launches into a diatribe: He tells me that the mothers of the last three popes of the Catholic Church were Jewish.

I say, "So what?"

He blinks and says, "It's part of the historical record."

"Even if it's true," I say, "it's not relevant."

He says, "Check it."

I say, "I will."

He says, "There is a Jewish-Masonic conspiracy to destroy the Catholic Church."

I grin and I say, "Aw, come on, man."

He says, "The final architect of this conspiracy was John Paul II."

I say, "John Paul the Great was one of the greatest figures in contemporary history. The man brought down Communism."

Mel says, quietly, grinning, "He was the Antichrist. He was the Devil."

I laugh and show him the John Paul medal I keep on the chain that attaches my wallet to my belt. He stares at the medal a long moment like he wants to exorcise it. And then he looks at me and smiles.

John Paul the Great, who exorcised possessed priests without the public's knowledge, is now himself, the Antichrist, according to the man who made "The Passion of the Christ."

* * * *

"I GUESS WE JUST DISAGREE
about John Paul,
"
I tell Mel.

He looks at me a little coldly and then he suddenly smiles. He says, "Tomorrow's going to be such a great day! I've got Luci tomorrow. She's coming over!"

I'm dumbstruck by the sudden segue. In a split second he goes from hate… from a Jewish conspiracy, and the Antichrist… to love: To the little girl he obviously loves so much.

His glowing smile at the prospect of Luci's arrival stays on his face so long and is so winsome that I have to smile with him.

Then he says, "Did you like Hutton?"

"I didn't really get a chance to talk to him at any length," I say… but I'm marveling at the sudden zippy transition: From John Paul the Antichrist, to Luci coming over, to Hutton.

His thought process isn't linear. I wonder: Is it A.D.D.? Has something short-circuited upstairs?

* * * *

I GOOGLE HUTTON GIBSON,
the elfin sparkle-eyed old man I met in church and these, I find, are some of the things that he has said:

•
"There were not that many Jews under Hitler's power, under his sway. They claimed that there were 6.2 million Poles in Poland before the war, and after the war there were 200,000, therefore Hitler must have killed six million of them. They simply got up and left! They were all over the Bronx and Brooklyn and Sydney and Los Angeles."

•
"The Holocaust — it's all — maybe not all — fiction. But most of it is."

•
"World War II was FDR's private war. He went there for money. The money power that runs this country. The Fed Reserve and those foreign bankers who own our currency and charge us for it. The foreign bankers who run the International Reserve like the Rothschilds and their allies who were Jews."

•
"There are too many Holocaust survivors. It's just a gimmick to collect money. They all look out for one another, you got to give them that. They are at the same time willing to sacrifice a few of their own if it helps."

•
"I don't know what their (the Jews') agenda is except that it's all about control. One World Religion and One World Government. That's why they've attacked the Catholic Church so strongly, to ultimately take control over it by their doctrine and make One World Religion and One World Government."

•
"The ones that we have there in the Vatican are all involved in the Jewish plot."

•
"To a Jew, a Christian commits idolatry every time he looks at a crucifix and says a prayer."

•
"I urge someone to go out and hang Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan."

I find a website that calls Hutton Gibson "a Nazi" and I remember that my father, Istvan Eszterhas, was called "a Hungarian Nazi."

I don't want to convict Mel of his father's sins, just as I wouldn't want to be convicted of
my
father's sins.

But then, in my Google search, I find this quote from Mel: "I share my father's views because I believe them to be true."

And I think to myself,
I'm going to write a "Jewish Braveheart" for this guy?

I hear my father laughing in his grave.

* * * *

MEL'S CHURCH BOASTS
a holy relic no other church in the world possesses: Jesus's Crown of Thorns.

No, not
that
one.

Not the real one.

But the one worn by that other J.C., Jim Caviezel, in "The Passion of the Christ."

There it is, hanging above double doors that lead into the church. On display, the same way Planet Hollywood in Beverly Hills once displayed the ice pick I had conjured in "Basic Instinct."

* * * *

EATING IS AN ISSUE AT MEL'S HOUSE.
Naomi and I aren't big eaters, but Mel eats less than we do.

He drinks coffee and his health shakes all day, and mostly smokes instead of eating. The shakes he makes are filled with health foods and powdered substances. Sometimes he mixes avocado and coconut with everything else that he has in the refrigerator.

He's always offering one of his concoctions to us. Being the Hungarian from Cleveland that I am, I always say, "Not for me, Mel, I'm not drinking that."

He always laughs and says, "Okay, big guy."

He loves blueberries and coconut oil. He uses a lot of fake sugar. He eats everything with his hands, even steak and salad.

He eats burritos and tacos, chicken and steaks, but little fish. He eats no sushi or sashimi. He says people who eat them, like Naomi and I, are "addicted to the parasite."

He likes to make what we are calling "Mel's Eggs." It's bread with a round hole cut into it, fried in bacon grease with an egg cooked in the middle. He makes that several times for us, but he never eats any of it.

Another night when we're about to sit down to eat in the dining room, Mel says, "This is a great room to pray in. I sit in this room a lot and say the rosary. I've even had Masses said in this room."

It is the room where he screamed and went berserk at the priest the first night we were here.

Another time, as we're about to eat, I say, "Let's say a prayer."

I say the Our Father, the Hail Mary, and the grace before meals. And then I add, as I customarily do, "Thank you, Jesus — Thank you, Mary."

Mel looks at us and says, "Geez, you guys are serious!"

After dinner, he reaches into his pocket and hands me what he calls a "greenie." It is a green Blessed Virgin Mary scapular.

I still wear it sometimes, as I still use the St. Joseph missal he gave me.

* * * *

LUCI COMES OVER WITH HER NANNY,
Annie. Luci, two years old, is dazzling and gorgeous and so is Annie, the daughter of a preacher, in her early forties. She is a black woman married to a white man and, as I watch Annie, I try to forget the ugly racial epithet that Mel called black people in the Mel/Oksana tapes.

Mel clearly adores his green-eyed, brown-haired little girl. He scoops her up and holds her high and he crawls around on the floor with her. He laughs with her and sings to her, tickles her and makes her laugh.

I have seven children and I've tried to do the best I can to be a good and loving father… but I am mightily impressed with the way Mel is with Luci. What a wonderful dad! And how little Luci makes him smile!

Mel Gibson has a lot of troubles besieging him, but this magical little girl seems to make him forget all of them.

* * * *

WHILE WALKING AROUND
CROSS CREEK
, Naomi and I buy a big stuffed owl for Luci. We've fallen in love with her.

I have two grown daughters, but Naomi and I don't have any girls. If we did, we'd want her to be just like Luci.

When we give her the stuffed owl, Luci is delighted and claps her hands.

Mel says to her, "Look, it's Joe the Owl!"

He holds the stuffed owl up and repeats it, "Joe the Owl!"

Luci says, "Joe the Owl!"

We laugh. I think to myself: Thanks a lot, pal! That's who I'll be for her from now on: "Joe the Owl!" But we all laugh. We can't help laughing.

I say to Luci, "Can I get a hug?"

And Luci looks at me and in this tiny voice says, "No."

Of course that makes us laugh even harder. Luci joins in the laughter.

"Okay," I say, "Luci, can I give you a kiss on the top of your head?"

Luci peers at me and quietly and seriously says, "No."

Mel gets up and puts his arm around me and says to Luci, "Come on, Luci, Daddy likes Joe the Owl, can't Joe the Owl give you a kiss?"

And Luci peers at me again and smiles. Mel and I stand there together, smiling like silly goons. And Luci says, "No."

But I appreciate Mel's gesture. He is really trying to convince the little girl he loves so much to allow Joe the Owl to give her a kiss on the top of her head.

* * * *

FATHER BILL FULCO
comes over to Mel's house. "Father Fucko", Mel calls him. He teaches at Loyola Marymount and was Mel's biblical advisor on "The Passion." Father Fucko will be one of our biblical advisors, Mel tells me, on "The Maccabees."

Father Fucko is a trim, lanky man in his mid-seventies. As soon as he comes in the door, the instant he finishes introducing us, Mel asks him if he wants one of his health shakes. Father Fucko says, "I've been thinking about having one all the way over here."

He takes the shake Mel makes, glugs it down eagerly, then asks for another. I stand there like an idiot and refuse one of Mel's shakes for what seems like the hundredth time. Mel smiles, as he always does, and says, "Okay, big guy."

We sit down and I address the priest as "Father." The priest says, "Please don't call me 'Father.' I prefer Bill."

Bill tells me that he almost left the priesthood a long time ago. He says that he is a recovering alcoholic and that he had "many issues with promiscuity," which he has overcome.

I ask for his scholarly credentials and he keeps going on about his "Basic Instinct" credentials. I'm a recovering alcoholic too, I tell Bill, and I had my own "promiscuity issues" too, until I met Naomi and she told me she'd "hunt me down and kill me" if I cheated on her.

So… we sit there… Father Fucko — I mean Bill — and I, smiling for no reason at all at each other. He and Mel begin a lengthy discussion about a mutual friend of theirs, a former Icon employee.

"She still has the hots for you," the priest says. "You should fuck her."

Dude, I think to myself, listen to this! This is a priest of the 21st Century Catholic Church speaking!

"I think she likes
you
, Mel says, smiling, "
You
should fuck her."

If I weren't married to Naomi… if this dialogue was taking place when I was still having "promiscuity issues"… I'd probably interject at this point: "Hey, guys, don't argue about this,
I'll
fuck her." But of course, I don't say that. Besides, we are only a few feet away from the dining room, which is the holy room where Mel has Masses said.

"I don't want to fuck her," the priest says. "I'm too old."

"Come on," Mel says, laughing.

"I am," the priest says, and laughs with him.

* * * *

WE FINALLY GET AROUND
to talking about "The Maccabees." I tell our biblical advisor about the books I feel I should read and digest before I start writing the script. I name some of them, mostly by Jewish authors.

The priest says, "You don't really need to read all those books. The best account is in the Douay-Rheims Bible." It is the Catholic Bible.

"But it certainly couldn't hurt if I read all those commentaries, could it?" I say.

"It wouldn't hurt," Father Fucko says, "but it will slow you down."

Mel says: "You can get lost trying to digest all that stuff, it can confuse you."

"You
can
get lost," the priest says, "the Douay-Rheims version with the Haycock commentary is all the reading you need."

Mel says, "I agree."

I think about it and I say, "What if I go to Jerusalem and find the best biblical scholars there? I did that kind of research for 'Music Box.' I went to Yad Vashem before I started writing the script. That was really valuable."

Mel says, "Bill knows more than any biblical scholar would know there."

Bill says, "It would be a waste of time and money to go there. It would just slow you down."

I say to Mel, "Why are we rushing suddenly? You've been thinking about this for a long time."

Mel smiles and says, "You've got me all excited about it. I want to do it now."

I say, "But we have to do it right."

The priest says, "I'll make sure you do."

Bill… Father Fucko… our biblical advisor… the priest… is (are) all smiles.

Father Fucko asks for another shake. I can tell Mel is pleased and smiles broadly. The priest slugs the shake and smacks his lips. I watch them and understand that it would help my relationship with Mel Gibson if I drank this shit, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

When our advisor leaves, I say to Mel, "You know, I'm sure that if I went to Israel and did research there, it would really help the script."

He says, "Fucko knows more about this stuff than any Hebe over there. I learned this on 'The Passion.'"