HEAT Vol. 2 (Master Chefs: HEAT Series #2) (4 page)

My
cheese sauce had been a success.  Monsieur Franchines had been surprised but
pleased, and when he’d presented it to the board, they’d been skeptical at
first.  In the end, the taste and freshness spoke for itself and as I drove
away from the institute, away from the home I’d known these past months, away
from the city of lights, my cheese sauce was being introduced to a handful of
specialty shops.

But
that was all behind me now.

The
countryside opened up in front of me, spectacular in all of God’s glory.  How
truly magnificent God’s work was.  The air smelled fresher, the endless fields
were greener and the image of Bobby finally dissipated.

It
was about time.

This
was as it was meant to be.  I guess I’d known it all along, but had allowed my
love for Bobby to blur that fact for far too long.  This was my calling.  God
was my only love.  I couldn’t deny it.

In
the distance, it finally rose high in the rolling hills of the countryside.  My
heart swelled with love and a sense of utter and complete contentment.  Yes,
this was my calling.  This was where I belonged.  I had no doubt, and the more
I thought about it, the more I concluded Bobby had simply been a test, a test
of my faith, of my devotion.

And
I’d passed.

I
parked my car and took a moment to breath it all in.  Though I was several
hundred yards from our famed flower garden, I could smell the fragrance I’d
come to cherish over the years.  Spring had been generous and I was eager to
see the early blooms that surely filled the garden.

“Lilly,
is that you?”

“
Soeur
Henriette
, how wonderful to see you.”

“We
didn’t expect you for another month.  Your last letter said you’d only arrive
in June.”

I’d
already missed my chance to take my vows in December as I’d originally planned,
all because of Bobby, and now I was here early, again, all because of Bobby. 
Of course I couldn’t admit that to
Soeur Henriette
nor any of the other
nuns who welcomed me home that day, all with their own questions of my life on
the outside.

That
night, after a long visit of the grounds, I sat on my narrow bed in my small
and modest room, and glanced up at the crucifix above my bed and counted my
blessings.  I was lucky to be in such a loving and serene environment.  For a
time, while with Bobby, I had questioned if I would ever find myself at the
convent again and now reflected on this first day back into the life I’d always
known. 

The
surrounding countryside offered all it had always promised; beauty, serenity,
the perfect gift from God.  The convent’s flower garden burst with the early
blooms I’d expected while the soil in the vegetable garden had been turned and
prepared for the crops to come.  It was glorious in so many ways.

I’d
been surprised to find the lab where I’d spent so many days working exactly as
I’d left it.  If the nuns had worked on anything in the past months, there was
no sign of it.  The pots gleamed, every cooking utensil was hung where it
belonged and the countertop gleamed.  Even the pantry had no sign of anything
new or anything gone.  The jar of flour was half full, just like I’d left it. 
The bottle of olive oil was almost empty, like I’d left it.  And the new bag of
golden brown sugar was still unopened.

Contrary
to people’s beliefs that convents were passive places meant only to house nuns,
the one I grew up in was self-sufficient, enterprising, and entrepreneurial. The
Reverend Mother was able to fund the convent itself through the lab, the farm,
and education. I was indeed fortunate to have grown up surrounded by some of
the brightest yet most benevolent minds in France. Perhaps there were more I
had to learn at the convent.

I
lay back on my small bed and tried to let the light in, tried to reconnect with
the bond to God that had always been so strong.  I knew it was still there,
but…

Give
yourself time, I told myself.  It’ll all come back soon enough.

A
knock at the door jolted me up.

“
Oui
?”

“Lilly? 
Puis-je entrer
?”

“
Oui,
oui.
  Come in.”

I
stood and hurried to open the door for her, then bowed solemnly as she
entered.  “
Mere sup
é
rieur
.”  Reaching for her hand, I remained
bowed down and kissed her hand.

“
S’il
vous plait, levez-vous
.”

I
stood and looked into the wise old eyes that had seen so much of life, even
from behind the confining walls of the convent.

“I
expected to see you arrive radiant and eager to finally take your vows.  Why do
I sense hesitation?”

She
sensed hesitation?  And here I thought I was hiding my emotions so well.  “I’m
a little dizzy from the trip in from Paris.  These last weeks, last few months
even, they’ve been hectic.  Did Monsieur Franchines tell you about the cheese
sauce we finally put to market?”

Smiling
in a way I’d only seen a few times since at the convent, she nodded.  She was
pleased, and that made me happy.  I wanted to please her, to show her I was
doing something with my life.  I also hoped she’d see just how hard working and
conscientious I was.

“If
you are sure this is your life’s path…”

“I’m
sure.”

Nodding
again, she reached for her rosary.  “Shall we go to the chapel to pray together?”

“I’d
be honored.”

In
solemn silence we left my room, and walked down the long corridor that led to
the small chapel.  Inside, dozens of candles glowed at the foot of the crucifix
where Jesus awaited us.

We
walked to the first pew, knelt and made the sign of the cross.

“Our
Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.  Thy kingdom come, Thy will be
done on earth as it is in heaven,” we said in quiet unison.  “Give us this day
our daily bread…”

After
the prayer, we remained silent, side by side.

“Tomorrow
is a big day,” she finally said.  “If you have any last minute reservations,
Lilly, you have tonight to consider them.  The sisterhood is not meant to be a
place to which we escape the trappings of the outside world.”

“There’s
nothing to consider.  This is where I belong.”

She
nodded and rose, leaving me there to contemplate my future alone.  Despite my
protest, I remained there for almost an hour, thinking over and over again
about Bobby and the time we’d spent together, the time spent apart, and the
time he’d been spending with every girl at the institute.

Was
I making this decision out of spite?  Was I escaping the outside world, like
the Reverend Mother had implied?

By
the time I made my way back to my room, I was exhausted.  These past months,
I’d felt torn between my love of God and my love for Bobby, only to then find
the conviction that God was my only love, only to revert back to my love for
Bobby again.

But
whether I loved him or not, the fact remained; he didn’t love me back.

And
that brought me all the way around to the fact that I was escaping… right back
again to what the Reverend Mother had implied.

In
my room, I undressed then filled the small basin with cold water.  From the
shelf beside the sink, I took a wash cloth and washed my skin as if the outside
world had left me gravely soiled.

My
skin red and raw, I finally rinsed with cold, clear water, slipped on the thin cotton
nightdress and pulled back the wool blanket and stiff cotton sheet of my bed. 
I knelt on the cold stone floor for a final prayer and finally got into bed and
shut the bedside lamp.

The
night was long and filled with dreams of Bobby.  Final goodbyes and surprise
reunions, only to have to say goodbye again.  Around and around, the dreams
seemed to just repeat and start over again.  Always, Bobby was there, confusing
me.  I wanted him, but I hated what he’d done to me.

Forgive
him, my heart said.

Yes,
I had to forgive him.

I
awoke the next morning free of all doubt.  My love for God prevailed.  It was
my chosen path, and had always been.  I wasn’t escaping.  This was what I’d
always planned.

Slipping
out of bed, I reached for the rosary I’d hooked to the bedpost the day before. 
Stringed through my fingers, I held it tight in my clamp hands.  “I believe in
God the Father, Almighty…”  Then,  “Our Father who art in heaven…”  And, “Hail
Mary, full of grace…”

I
reached the last bead and kissed the crucifix before putting it back on the
bedpost.  Using the same ritual as the night before, I washed then dressed for
the ceremony to come.

The
air in the convent was still, so silent and filled with reverence.

For
me?  Was I the only postulant to take her vows today?

I
doubted it.  I smiled, a true and sincere smile, for the first time since my
unhappy ordeal with Bobby.  With every step, my conviction grew.  My shoulders
pulled up, my back straightened and my chin rose to a respectable and reverent
height.

“Yes,”
I said aloud. 
I’m on the right track
.

“Lilly.”

I
turned to see
Soeur Anne
waiting for me around the corner.

“If
you're ready, follow me.”

Keeping
a few paces behind her, I followed her to the chapel where three other
postulants awaited their veil.

The
ceremony was to be small and quiet.  Our marriage to God.  Our commitment to
him.

“Lilly
Cooke,” the Reverend Mother said as if presenting me to the priest who’d come
for the special day.

Outside,
in the distance, a car horn blared.

Annoyed,
she her introduction again.  “Lilly Cooke…”

Again,
the car horn blared, this time more persistent.

“
Soeur
Anne
,” the Reverend Mother said.  “
S’il vous plait
…”

Without
needing to hear more, Sister Anne hurried out to see what was going on.

Seconds
later the priest, Reverend Mother and I looked at one another as loud voices
quickly made their way to us.  One voice belonged to Anne and the other…

“Bobby.” 
Stunned, I stared at him, barely believing my eyes.  Surely they were playing
tricks on me.  It wouldn’t have been the first time.

“I
can’t let you do this,” Bobby said.

“But…
I’m about to…”

“To
take your vows, yeah, I know.  That’s why I came.  You didn’t even tell me you
were heading out here.  It’s just by chance that I found out from one of the
students who saw you leave your lab yesterday.”

I
looked to Mother Superior who frowned, but seemed to understand the
circumstances.  With a sage nod, she allowed me to retreat with Bobby.  I led
him to the lab, the only place I felt appropriate to be with a man.

“Bobby,”
I said when we were alone and I’d closed the door.  “Your timing is really
awful.”

“I’d
say my timing was right on.  I mean, you didn’t… not yet, right?”

“No,
I didn’t take my vows yet, but…”  I swept my hands over the white veil over my
head and the black robe I wore.  “I’m in the process.”

He
took a few steps toward me and I stepped back.

“My
place is with God, and I don’t think…”

He
continued to walk to me until I backed into the wall, and he didn’t stop until
his chest pressed up against my breasts.  The touch was intense and my body
went into a confusing revolt.  This couldn’t be happening.  For all the times
I’d hoped and wished for this moment, now that it was there, I didn’t know what
to make of it.

“Your
place is with me.”  He grabbed my hands and brought my fingers to his lips. 
His lips were hungry as he kissed the digits that’d been traveling over a
rosary just a short while earlier.

“I…”

He
kissed my response away with a hard and passionate kiss that consumed me. 
Appalled, I pulled away and looked at him, but the heat of his kiss continued
to burn my lips.  How many nights had I dreamt of this very moment?  How many
times had I longed to feel the softness of his lips against mine?

“Bobby,
we’re in the house of God.  This is…”

Again,
he kissed my words away and this time I was helpless to resist him.  I fell
into him, pressing against his chest, and opening my heart to him.  I wanted to
cry from the sheer release of all the tension and doubt and fears and pain that
had taken over me these past months.

“I
love you, Lilly.”  He cupped my cheeks and looked into my eyes with a new
understanding.  “I appreciate your love of God and your desire to do good, but
you belong with me.”

Confused,
I shook my head.  “But you're the one who’s been pushing me away.  You're the
one who said we couldn’t be together.”  Suddenly angry as the memory of all the
girls he’d paraded around the institute hit me, I pulled back and glared at
him.  “You even went out of your way to date every girl in school and to make
sure I knew about it.”

“Lilly,
you don’t understand.”

“You
better believe I don’t understand.  What?  Now that you’ve had a taste of
everyone you could get your hands on you want to start all over again with me?”

“No.”

“Were
you just testing the waters, making sure there wasn’t anything out there that
was better for you than me?  Should I be flattered that after all that
gallivanting around, you now grant me your precious presence? Well, listen
carefully, Bobby Cummings, I am not flattered, not in the least.  So you can
take your charm and your romantic gestures and go back to the institute and
find someone who’ll be stupid enough to fall for it.”

My
piece said, I turned to walk away, but he grabbed my arm and easily pulled me
back to him.  Were I honest with myself, I would have admitted that it was
exactly what I wanted him to do, but as it were, I fought and struggled to get
free.  “You let go of me this minute.”