Heart Of A Cowboy (18 page)

The sign for the chapel drew her toward it. She entered and escaped inside the dimly lit room, nondescript, with several rows of chairs. The sounds of the hospital faded as she shut the door.

She collapsed onto the seat nearest to her and bowed her head. For the longest moment she couldn't think of anything to say to the Lord. Her son was hurting again because of something she'd done this time. She should have been able to avoid the accident. She should have been able…

The tears streaked down her face, released finally like a valve turned completely on unchecked. She let them fall into her lap. She'd walked away with a few cuts and bruises. Why couldn't she have been the one hurt, needing surgery? Not her son.

Why, Lord? What are You trying to tell me?

The door opened. Lifting her head, Jordan grew so stiff her muscles locked painfully. She needed to be alone. She needed—Granny slipped inside and came to sit beside her. Her grandmother patted Jordan's hands clutched together in her lap.

For minutes silence reigned in the chapel. The hammering of Jordan's heartbeat pulsated in her ears. Slowly
her grandmother's presence blanketed Jordan in a calming mantle. God had sent Granny to comfort her.

“I've really made a mess of my life,” she finally said, the heat from her grandmother's touch warming Jordan's cold body.

“Why do you say that? The wreck was an accident. From what Zachary said there wasn't anything you could have done. It happened so fast.”

The mention of Zachary renewed her fear that he'd take her to court concerning custody of their son. The calming mantle slipped from her. “He wants Nicholas.”

“Of course he does. He's his father. It's a good thing he wants to be in Nicholas's life.”

“He told me he's gonna talk to a lawyer.”

“When, child?”

“Today at the ranch right before I left.”

“Do you trust in the Lord?”

“Yes.” Jordan shifted toward her grandmother and saw the doubt in her eyes. “You don't think I do?”

“I believe you think you do, but you're always so busy trying to control everything in your life that you've lost sight of what's important. God knows what is best for us, and sometimes we have to just put our faith in Him. Trust Him, child, completely. He brought you back here for a reason. Quit fighting Him every step of the way.”

“Control? Today I discovered I have no control really. Literally in a blink of an eye your life can change.”

“My point exactly.” Granny tapped her chest. “Take it from this eighty-one-years-young woman who has been through a lot in that time. Just when you think you've got everything figured out, something changes. Faith is what has sustained me. It can for you, too.” Pushing to her feet, she gripped the back of the chair in front of her. “I imagine
you've got some thinking and praying to do. I'll be in the waiting room.”

Jordan stood and hugged her grandmother. “I love you. I'll be back in a little bit.”

After Granny left, Jordan sank back down and clasped her hands. “Father, I've been so wrong. I've been scared to trust anyone—You, Zachary. There's always been a part I've held back. Please help me. I need You.”

 

“Nicholas is gonna be all right, Zachary.” Becca paused next to him at the vending machine.

He punched the button for coffee. Its scent wafted to him as the cup filled. He'd always loved the smell of coffee. Now it seared a hole in his gut. “I'll feel better when the doctor tells me. Remember what happened to me when the bull trampled me?”

“This is different. Not nearly as complicated.” His sister checked her watch. “In fact, the surgery should be over soon.”

“I can't help wondering if what I said to Jordan right before she left didn't contribute to the wreck.”

“You told me you saw it and it happened so fast there wasn't anything she could have done except swerve or hit the buck. Hitting the deer would have caused major damage, too. Remember that time Dad ran into a cow? The insurance company totaled our car.”

“I know.” He dragged his fingers through his hair, kneading his fingers into his taut neck muscles. “But I really didn't mean I would contact a lawyer. I was angry and lashed out at Jordan. She left upset….” He couldn't shake the image of her car going off the road or the picture of Jordan and Nicholas hurt and trapped. Helplessness flooded him again as if a downpour deluged him.

“Then talk with her and tell her you didn't mean it. Ask her forgiveness.”

He flinched. “How can I ask her to do that when I've had trouble doing that myself?”

“What would have happened if Jordan had really hurt herself or worse—died? How would you have felt holding on to that anger over something that happened years ago? Does your anger make you feel better? Or is it Audrey you're really mad at? Forgive both of them.”

His sister's words made him think about the unthinkable. Had his relationship with Audrey colored his with Jordan? What if Jordan had died today? The very thought chilled his blood. A world without her? He shuddered, one wave after another rippling down his body.

“You've got more than yourself to consider now. What are you teaching your son if you hold a grudge like you are? If she can forgive Mom, why can't you forgive her?”

Zachary took the coffee cup and sipped at the hot brew. A bitter taste coated his tongue that had nothing to do with his drink and everything to do with the picture of the kind of man he was showing his son.

Rachel came around the corner. “Zachary, Nicholas is out of surgery. The doctor is in the waiting room.”

 

A few hours later Jordan stood outside Nicholas's hospital room. “Mom, I'm staying here tonight.”

“Honey, I'm worried about you. You look exhausted.”

“I couldn't sleep even if I was at home. If all goes well, Nicholas will come home soon. Then I can get some rest.”

Her mother squeezed her hand. “I understand. I'll see you all in the morning.”

Jordan watched her mom and grandmother get on the elevator before she turned back toward her son's door.
Everyone was gone except Zachary. She'd been able to manage being in the same room with him as long as others were there, too.

She entered, her gaze immediately seeking the bed where Nicholas slept. He'd wakened briefly after the surgery but was now sleeping soundly. His bandaged head underscored what had happened earlier.

Again the picture of the buck flashed into her mind. It had been too close for her to do anything but swerve or hit it. Neither option had been good. The sounds of the crash—the crunch of her car folding like an accordion, the airbag exploding outward—and the smells of the leaking engine fluids mingling with the stagnant water in the ditch assailed her. Goose bumps rose on her arms, and she hugged them to her.

Zachary cleared his throat, reminding her she wasn't alone. Wouldn't be the whole night because he was staying with his son, too. Exhausted, aching, she didn't know if she could deal with another incident where they dueled over Nicholas. Why couldn't he leave and come back with the rest in the morning? She'd always been the one in the past to stay, holding vigilance. But wasn't that the problem?

Zachary should have had that choice all those years ago. She turned away, not wanting him to see the conflict that had to be written on her face. He couldn't forgive her, so as most things, this was out of her control.
Lord, Your will.

With Zachary on the small couch, she moved to the chair a few feet away. She turned it to point toward Nicholas's bed. Taking a seat, her back to Zachary, she closed her eyes and inhaled deep breaths to calm her stressed body. But nothing relieved the tension that bunched every muscle.

The hairs on her nape tingled right before Zachary's hand covered her clenched one on the armrest. “I'll sit here if you want to lie down on the couch.”

His warm touch shot up her arm, burning through any defenses she scrambled to erect. She couldn't take another rejection. Not today. “I'm fine,” she managed to say through parched lips, her throat so dry the words squeaked out.

He moved in front of her and squatted. “No, you aren't. You were in a wreck, too. I imagine your body is starting to feel the effects of it.”

“Don't do this. Don't make…” Her throat closed completely around any other words she tried to say.

“I think we need to talk.”

“No, not now. I have enough to handle without you letting me know I put our child in danger. He's there because of me. I—”

Zachary drew her up and pulled her into his embrace. “You aren't at fault. Don't do that to yourself.”

She resisted the lure of his arms, jerking back. “If I hadn't left when I did or gone a little faster or slower, Nicholas wouldn't have been hurt.”

“What-ifs don't change the situation and only make you upset. Freak accidents happen to people.”

Her jammed tears swelled into her eyes. She blinked, releasing them. “I know. I can't control everything like I've wanted. That point has been hammered home to me today painfully. But why couldn't I have been the one in that bed? Not my son.”

“
Our
son.” He brushed his thumbs over her cheeks, erasing the tears only to have them replaced immediately. Framing her face, he inched closer. “We are in this together.”

Not really and that was the problem. She wanted all of Zachary. She wanted the complete family. He didn't. She'd messed it all up. Straightening, she attempted a smile that fell flat. “I appreciate your concern. I'll be okay, especially when I can get Nicholas home.”

He tugged her toward the couch, gently pushed her down
then sat beside her. “We still need to talk. Earlier today I didn't mean what I said about getting a lawyer.”

Tension, even more than before, whipped down her length. “Maybe for the time being, but will you use that threat later when we clash about Nicholas?”

“I know we can work something out. You want what's best for Nicholas, and so do I.”

He hadn't answered her question, which clinched her stomach into a snarl of emotions. She curled her hands at her sides. She loved him. And couldn't have him.

He slid his arm along the back of the couch, loosely cocooning her against him. “I'm not doing a very good job of explaining myself.”

“Oh, I think I know where you stand.”

He leaned closer, putting his thumb under her chin and turning her head so she looked straight at him. “Do you? Because until recently I didn't realize what I was doing. How harmful my attitude was.”

“What do you mean?”

“I let my anger purposely make you mad. You fled. If I hadn't said that to you, we might have been able to work everything out earlier today, and Nicholas wouldn't be lying there.”

“Didn't you just tell me we can't play what-ifs?”

“Yes, but see how I can twist it around to be my fault? It really was no one's.” He stared at his son for a long moment. “When you came back to Tallgrass and told me I was a father, I was furious at you. At first, all I could see was the ten years you'd stolen from me.”

She opened her mouth to apologize again, but he placed his finger over her lips.

A lopsided tilt to his mouth filled her vision. “I know you're sorry for what happened, but I was being stubborn and not listening to what you really said. I was letting what
happened with my fiancée affect us. You aren't Audrey. When I turn the situation around and look at it differently, I'm so grateful to you for giving me a son even if it was ten years late. You didn't have to tell me. Then I would never know the joy of being a father. You've given me that joy and for that I thank you.”

“You forgive me?”

“More than that. I love you, Jordan. I've never really stopped. We were both young and said and did things we regret. I can't keep living in the past. I want a future with you and Nicholas. I want a family. I could have lost you today. That can change a person's perspective real fast.” He cupped her face. “Can you forgive me? Will you accept me in your life even though Nicholas will be the only child we have?”

His questions hovered suspended in the air between them for several heartbeats. For a second she wondered if she'd heard him correctly or was it her weary mind playing tricks on her.

“I know you have a right to be mad at me. I—”

Jordan placed her fingers over his mouth. “Shh.” Winding her arms around him, she drew him toward her and kissed him with all her heart.

“I want to do what we should have done years ago. Will you marry me as soon as possible? Make me happy? Make our son happy?”

She combed her fingers through his hair and slanted his head toward hers again. “Yes.” She planted a peck on one corner of his mouth. “Yes.” Another kiss on the other side. “And yes. You and Nicholas are my life.” Her lips covered his with the promise of more to come.

“I
t's taken us a long time to get here, but we've finally gotten it right, Mrs. Rutgers.” Zachary locked his arms around Jordan.

“Say that again.” She cuddled closer.

“Mrs. Rutgers.”

“I don't think I'll ever get tired of hearing that name.”

He smiled. “That's great since you'll have it for say fifty or so years.” Leaning forward, he kissed her thoroughly.

Someone coughed behind Jordan. She blushed and turned within her husband's embrace.

“Save that for the honeymoon.” Granny winked. “Right now you two have guests to see to.”

Jordan scanned the reception hall at the church. All their friends were crammed into the large room. The new ones she'd met through Helping Hands Homeschooling group and the old ones she'd grown up with. But besides Nicholas and her family, the two she was happiest to see attending her and Zachary's wedding was his parents.

“Oh, I see Doug is getting seconds. I'd better corral him before his cholesterol shoots up.” Granny shuffled off to the right.

“How long do you think it will be before Doug and Granny marry?” Zachary whispered against her ear.

“I hope soon. Her and Mom are fighting again.”

“Speaking of mothers, are you really okay with Mom taking Nicholas to Arizona for the week while we're on our honeymoon?”

Jordan caught sight of her son, in a leg cast but mobile, talking with Zachary's parents. “Totally. Your mother and I had a long talk last night. All we both want is what is best for you and Nicholas. We're on the same page.”

A twinkle sparkled in his eyes. “Good. Can we sneak away now? I want to start the honeymoon.”

“Sounds like a perfect game plan.”