Hawk's Way: Rebels (9 page)

She waited for the words, but he never said them.

And she knew why. She didn’t love him back. She wouldn’t allow herself to love him. He knew the rules. It was to be a safe, temporary marriage.

Her eyes slid closed again as his mouth covered hers, hungry, needy. For the first time in her life she was grateful for her height, which made them fit together so perfectly that they could be joined at the hip and their mouths still meet for a soul-searching kiss. She felt the passion rise, felt her body shiver and shudder under the onslaught of his desire.

His body moved slowly at first, the tension building equally slowly, until it was unbearable, until she writhed beneath him, desperate for release.

“Please, Billy,” she cried. “Please!”

She heard a savage sound deep in his throat as his body surged against hers, as he fought the inevitable climax, wanting to prolong the pleasure.

She felt her body tensing, thrusting against his, seeking the heaven he promised, until they found it, his seed spilling into her at last.

His weight was welcome, comforting, as he lowered his exhausted, sweat-slick body onto hers, their chests still heaving to gather breath to support their labored bodies, their heartbeats still pounding to carry blood to straining vessels.

Eventually, as their breathing slowed and their hearts returned to normal, Billy slid to her side and spooned her bottom against his groin. His hand curled around her breast as though it were the most natural place in the world for it to be. “Thanks, Cherry. I needed that. You,” he amended.

It was more than she was willing to admit, so she remained mute. She was content to lie in his arms, saying nothing, enjoying the closeness.

It was during this quiet aftermath that she realized they had used no protection. They both knew better. Under the circumstances, a pregnancy could be disastrous. “Billy,” she murmured.

“Hmm.”

“We didn’t use anything.”

“Hmm?”

“To keep me from getting pregnant.”

His stiffening body revealed his distress. “I should have asked. I should have—”

She turned in his arms and put her fingertips against his lips. “It’s the wrong time of the month, I think.”

“You think?”

“If there is a safe time,” she amended, “this is probably it.”

“Thank God,” he said.

Even though she knew rationally that it was in both of their interests for her not to get pregnant, it was still irksome to see the amount of relief on Billy’s face. “I guess you don’t want any more children,” she said.

“It isn’t that,” he said. “I always wanted more kids. But Laura…”

She remembered that Laura couldn’t have any more. Only, that wasn’t what Billy said next.

“Laura wasn’t supposed to get pregnant because it was dangerous.”

She felt him shudder and a thought occurred to her. “Are you saying she got pregnant anyway?”

He paused so long she didn’t think he was going to answer her. At last he said, “Yes.”

“What happened? To the baby, I mean?”

“She miscarried. Twice.”

He pulled her close so his chin rested on her head, and she couldn’t see his eyes. But she could feel him trembling and hear his convulsive swallow.

“The second time it happened I told her that if she didn’t stop trying to get pregnant, I’d refuse to sleep with her anymore. I didn’t want to take the chance of losing her. She meant too much to me, more than any baby ever could.”

Another swallow.

“She was furious with me. She said she had promised me a houseful of kids, and she knew I couldn’t be happy with just the twins. I told her the twins were enough. But she didn’t believe me.

“The truth was, she had this insane idea that a woman who couldn’t have kids wasn’t a real woman. She refused to stop trying to get pregnant, despite the risk to her health. So I told her I was through arguing. I wasn’t going to sleep with her again until she changed her mind and agreed to be sensible.”

He shuddered.

“She went stomping out of the house, furiously angry, and got into the car. And…and she was killed.”

“Oh, my God,” Cherry breathed. “And you’re not really sure whether it was an accident, or whether she killed herself on purpose, is that it?”

“She wouldn’t kill herself. Not because of something like that. She wouldn’t. It was an accident.”

Cherry wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince, himself or her.

“All Penelope saw the year before she died was Laura’s despondency over the first miscarriage,” Billy continued. “Penelope knew we’d been arguing a lot around the time of Laura’s death, although she didn’t know what we’d been arguing about. Laura didn’t tell her about the miscarriage—probably because she knew her mother would be on my side.”

“Why didn’t you tell Mrs. Trask what had happened?” Cherry asked.

“It was none of her business!” Billy retorted. “It was between me and my wife.”

“Maybe if she understood why—”

“It’s over and done with now.”

“Perhaps if you explained—”

“Laura’s dead. There’s no bringing her back.”

And he wasn’t sure he wasn’t to blame, Cherry realized. No wonder he had gotten into so many fights in the year since Laura’s death. He had been in pain, with no way of easing it. Because he would never know for sure what had happened.

“It wasn’t your fault she died,” Cherry said quietly.

“How do you know that?” he snarled.

“You were right. It wasn’t safe for her to continue getting pregnant. You had to take a stand.”

“I should have found some other way to say no.”

“Hindsight is always better. You did the best you could at the time.”

“That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

She leaned back to look into his troubled eyes and saw the need in him to strike out against the pain. There were other ways of easing it. She laid her hand against his cheek and said, “You’re a good man, Billy. You never meant for her to be hurt. Whether it was an accident…or not…Laura was responsible for what happened.”

“I want to believe that,” he said. “I try to believe that. But…”

“Believe it,” she whispered as her lips sought his.

His arms surrounded her like iron bands, and his mouth sought hers like a thirsting man who finds an oasis in the desert. He was inside her moments later, needing the closeness, needing the comfort she offered, the surcease from endless pain.

She held him in her arms as he loved her and crooned
to him that everything would be all right. That he was a good man and a good father and he shouldn’t blame himself anymore for what wasn’t his fault.

He spilled himself inside her with a cry that was almost anguish. He slipped to the side and pulled her to him, holding her close with strong arms that promised always to keep her safe.

She knew it was wrong to trust in him. He would betray her in the end. Unfortunately, the heart doesn’t always obey the dictates of the more reasonable head.

I love him,
she thought. And then,
I can’t love him. I shouldn’t love him. I’d be a fool to love him.

They fell asleep, their bodies entangled, their souls enmeshed, their hearts confused.

O
VER THE NEXT
three weeks the twins sensed the growing tension in Billy, and their behavior grew worse instead of better. Cherry tried to be understanding, but she was under a great deal of pressure, as well, since she had to study for night school finals, which she couldn’t afford to fail.

Things came to a head the day before the court hearing, when Cherry asked Raejean for the third time to take her cookie and juice snack back to the kitchen to eat it.

“I don’t have to do what you say,” Raejean said. “You’re not my mother!”

“I’m the one in charge,” Cherry replied, using her last ounce of patience to keep her voice level. “And I say you have to get that juice out of the living room. If it spills in here, it’ll ruin the furniture.”

Cherry couldn’t imagine what had possessed Laura to put silk and satin fabrics in a ranch living room. It wasn’t a place to look at; they actually lived in it. If it had been up to her, she would have put protective covers on the furniture long ago to save the delicate fabrics from everyday wear and tear. When she had broached the subject to Billy, he had said, “We live here. If the furniture gets dirty, it gets dirty.”

Cherry didn’t figure that included spilling grape juice
on white satin. So she insisted, “Take that juice into the kitchen, Raejean. Now!”

“Oh, all right!” Raejean huffed. “Come on, Annie. Let’s go.”

“I’m watching Sesame Street,” Annie protested from her seat beside Raejean on the couch.

Raejean pinched her. “Come on. If I have to go, you have to go.”

“Raejean,” Cherry warned. “Leave Annie be. Take your glass and go.”

Raejean shot Cherry a mutinous look as she snatched at the glass on the end table, accidentally knocking it over—right onto the arm of the couch.

The two of them stared, horrified, as the grape juice soaked into the white satin, leaving a huge purple blotch.

“Oh, no!” Cherry cried. She looked for something to sop up the mess, but there was nothing handy. And by then the couch had soaked up the juice like a sponge.

“It’s all your fault,” Raejean cried, tears welling in her eyes. “If you hadn’t been yelling at me, I wouldn’t have spilled it.”

“Daddy’s going to be
really
mad,” Annie whispered as she abandoned Sesame Street to ogle the growing stain.

“Go to your room,” Cherry said. “Both of you!”

“I didn’t do anything,” Annie protested.

“We don’t have to do what you say!” Raejean said. “Do we, Annie?”

Annie looked uncertain, and Raejean pinched her again.

“Ow!” she said. “Stop it, Raejean.”

“Stop it, both of you!” Cherry cried. She knew she had lost control, but she wasn’t sure how to get it back. “Apologize to your sister, Raejean.”

“I don’t have to. Tell her, Annie. Tell her Nana’s going to be taking care of us from now on, so we don’t have to do what Cherry says anymore.”

Cherry couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Who said your grandmother’s going to be taking care of you from now on?”

“Nana did.”

“When?” Cherry said.

“When she called on the phone.”

“When was that?” Cherry demanded.

“This morning, when you were in the shower. She said that after tomorrow she’s going to be taking care of us, and we’ll get to play in her pool and Grampa’s buying us a new dollhouse and we won’t have to do chores anymore, either,” she announced.

Cherry stared at Raejean, aghast. She didn’t know what to say. The little girl had no idea what Mrs. Trask really intended. She didn’t seem to realize that going to live with her grandmother meant leaving her father for good. And Cherry had no intention of frightening her by explaining it.

She was furious with Mrs. Trask but resisted the urge to criticize her in front of her granddaughters. She was way out of her depth and drowning fast. She needed help.

To Cherry’s surprise, the name and face that came to mind wasn’t Billy’s. Or even Jewel’s. It was Rebecca’s.

She wanted her mother.

“Let’s go,” she said suddenly.

“Go where?” Raejean asked suspiciously.

“To see your other grandmother.”

Both girls stared at her with wide eyes.

“We have another grandmother?” Annie said.

“Uh-huh. You sure do.”

“Who is she?” Raejean asked. “Where does she live?”

“Her name is Rebecca Whitelaw, and she lives on a ranch called Hawk’s Pride. It isn’t far from here. Shall we go? It’s either that, or go to your room. You choose.”

There was no contest, and Cherry wasted no time getting the girls into the pickup and driving to the adobe ranch house at Hawk’s Pride that she had called home for the previous four years. Since Camp Littlehawk was under way, she knew where to look for Rebecca. Sure enough, she found her working with the novice riders at the corral. Raejean and Annie raced ahead of her to stand gaping at the lucky horseback riders.

“That’s good, Jamie,” Rebecca encouraged, one foot perched on the lowest rung of the wooden corral. “Let the pony know who’s boss.”

“I suppose that’s good advice for parents dealing with children, too,” Cherry said as she joined Rebecca.

“Cherry! What a wonderful surprise! Ted, would you watch the children for a few minutes while I speak with my daughter?”

Cherry noticed that Ted was on crutches. That didn’t surprise her. Rebecca often found people in need and offered them a helping hand. Cherry was sure Ted was great with kids or horses or both. It always worked out that way. Rebecca’s faith in people had never been proven wrong. It was that same goodheartedness that
had led Rebecca to rescue a rebellious fourteen-year-old juvenile delinquent and adopt her as her own.

“I’d like you to meet your new granddaughters,” Cherry said as Rebecca took the few steps to reach the twins. They were standing on the bottom rail of the corral with their arms hanging over the top.

“Raejean, Annie, I’d like you to meet your Grandma ’Becca.” ’Becca was what Jewel had called Rebecca when Jewel was a child. It was also a fond nickname Zach used when he was teasing her. And it was the first thing that came to mind when Cherry searched for a name the little girls could use to address their new grandmother.

Raejean and Annie turned lively black eyes on Rebecca.

“Are you really our grandmother?” Raejean asked.

“Yes,” Rebecca said with a smile.

“Are you going to give us cookies and milk, like Nana?” Annie asked.

“I’ll even help you bake the cookies, if you like,” Rebecca said. “If you’ll tell me which one of you is which.”

“I’m Annie,” Raejean said. “And this is Raejean,” she said, pointing to her shyer twin.

“Raejean,” Cherry warned.

“Aw, Cherry.” She hesitated before admitting, “I’m really Raejean, and this is really Annie.”

“Pleased to meet you both,” Rebecca said. “It’s going to be fun having grandchildren come to visit.”

“Will you let us ride horses, too?” Raejean asked, eyeing the children on horseback enviously.

“Would you like to ride one now?”

Raejean’s and Annie’s faces lit up as though they had been given the key to heaven. “Oh, yes!” they said in unison.

It didn’t take long to get ponies saddled and send the girls into the ring with the other children to be supervised by Ted.

As soon as the twins were settled, Rebecca said, “All right, Cherry. Spit it out. What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” Cherry admitted. She felt like crying suddenly. The whole weight of the world had been on her shoulders for the past seven weeks, and it was as though with that one admission she had shifted the burden to her mother.

“Tell me about it,” Rebecca said.

And Cherry did. About why she and Billy had married and the awful wedding and the twins’ resentment, how Mrs. Trask was manipulating the children’s feelings, and how scared she was that Billy would lose his children.

“What about you? Would it hurt you to lose them?”

Cherry hadn’t even let herself think about the possibility. When she did, she felt a terrible ache in her chest. “Yes. Oh, yes. I’d miss them terribly. As much trouble as they are, I love them dearly.”

Rebecca smiled. “So what can I do to help?”

Cherry shoved a hand through her tumble of red curls and let out a gusty sigh. “I’m not sure. Could you and Zach just be there in court tomorrow? Would that be possible?”

“Oh, darling, of course we’ll be there. Is that all? Are you sure there isn’t something else I could do to help?”

“I think you’ve already done it,” Cherry said.

“Done what?”

“Taught me to believe in love again.”

“Oh, darling…”

Cherry saw the tears in her mother’s eyes and felt her throat tighten until it hurt. “I owe you so much… Mother.” She gave a sobbing laugh and said, “There, I said it. Mother. Oh, God, why did I wait so long?”

It had taken being a mother herself to understand the tremendous gift Zach and Rebecca had given her. She could hardly see Rebecca through the blur of tears, and when she blinked, she realized Rebecca had her arms open wide. She grasped her around the waist and held on tight.

Cherry refused her mother’s invitation to stay for dinner. “Billy and Zach—Daddy—aren’t comfortable enough around each other yet. I’d rather give them time to get to know each other better before we show up for supper.”

“All right. Whatever you think best. You can count on us to be in court tomorrow to support you both.”

“Thanks, Mother. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t sure before that you were ready for marriage and all its responsibilities,” Rebecca said. “This visit has reassured me.”

“That I’m ready for marriage?”

“That you’re ready for whatever life offers. Be happy, Cherry. That’s all I can ask.”

Cherry smiled. “I’ll try, Mom.”

“Mom. I like that,” Rebecca said. “Mom feels even better than Mother.”

“Yeah, Mom,” Cherry agreed with a cheeky grin. “It does.”

C
HERRY SPENT THE REST
of the afternoon floating on air. She had never felt so confident. She had never been so certain that everything would turn out all right. Her youthful optimism remained firmly in place until Billy was late arriving home for supper. She waited an hour for him before she finally fed the girls and sent them upstairs to play.

She put a plate of food in the oven to stay warm while she cleaned up the kitchen. She still wasn’t worried. Billy had been late once or twice before when some work had needed to be finished before dark.

But sundown came and went without any sign of Billy.

Cherry told herself, as she bathed the twins, that there was probably some good reason for the delay. Maybe he was working hard to make up for the fact he would be in court all day tomorrow. Maybe the truck had broken down and he had needed to walk home.

Maybe he had an accident. Maybe he’s lying hurt or dying somewhere while you’ve been blithely assuming everything is fine.

Cherry silenced the voice that told her disaster had struck. Nothing could have happened to Billy. He was strong and had quick reflexes, and he knew the dangers of the kind of work he did. He was fine.

But he was very late.

Cherry read the girls two bedtime stories, thinking he would show up at any minute to tease and tickle them and kiss them good-night.

“Where’s Daddy?” Raejean asked when Cherry said it was time to turn out the light.

“Isn’t he coming home?” Annie asked.

“Of course he’s coming home. He just had some errands to run. As soon as he arrives, he’ll come and kiss you good-night. Go to sleep now.”

She turned out the light and was almost out of the room when Raejean whispered, “Is Daddy going away?”

Cherry turned the light back on. Both Raejean and Annie stared back at her with frightened eyes.
Damn Mrs. Trask and her phone calls,
Cherry thought. She crossed and sat beside Raejean and brushed the bangs away and kissed her forehead reassuringly.

“Your daddy isn’t going anywhere. He’ll be right here when you wake up in the morning.”

“Nana said Daddy might be going away,” Raejean confessed.” I don’t want him to leave.”

“Neither do I,” Annie whimpered.

“Oh, my dear ones,” Cherry said. She lifted a sobbing Raejean into her arms and carried her over to Annie’s bed, then slid an arm around each girl and rocked them against her. “Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine. Your Daddy’s not going anywhere. And neither am I.”

“Are you going to be our mother forever?” Annie asked.

Cherry was struck dumb by the question. She realized the folly of her promise that she wasn’t going anywhere. She and Billy had a temporary marriage. She had no right to presume he would want it to continue any longer than necessary to convince the court to let him keep his children.

She was forced to admit the truth to herself.

She didn’t want the marriage to end. She wanted to stay married to Billy. She wanted to be the twins’ mother
forever. All she had to do was convince Billy to let her stay.

When he showed up. If he ever did.

“Why don’t we ask your daddy when he comes home if it’s all right with him for me to be your mother forever,” she answered Annie at last. “Would that be all right?”

“I guess,” Annie said. “If you’re sure he’s coming home.”

“I’m sure,” Cherry said.

That seemed to assuage the worst of their fear, and she managed to get them tucked in again. As she was turning out the light, Raejean said, “Cherry?”

“What is it, Raejean?”

“I don’t want you to leave, either.”

Cherry smiled. “Thanks, Raejean. That means a lot to me.”

She rose up on one elbow and said, “I’m sorry about spilling grape juice on the couch. You don’t think Daddy came home and saw it while we were gone and got
really
mad, do you?”

Her heart went out to the child. “No, Raejean, I don’t think it’s anything you did that’s making your father late getting home. I’m sure he’s been delayed by business. Go to sleep now. Before you know it, he’ll be waking you up to kiss you good-night.”

As she was closing the door, Cherry heard Annie whisper, “That’s silly. Why is Daddy going to wake us up to kiss us good-night?”