Authors: Sugar Jamison
“He’s a sturdy boy.”
“He is.”
“Ma Ma!” Dash dropped his bottle and clapped his hands, cheering her arrival.
“How’s my baby?” She crawled onto Ben’s huge four-poster bed and collected her son. She settled next to Ben, not ready to take her son from his only uncle. They were just a few inches apart, their arms nearly touching. She could feel the warmth radiate off his body. She could smell the butterscotch on his skin.
“I was just trying to get to know him a little,” Ben spoke, breaking the silence. “I came to talk to you, but you were sleeping and … Well … He seemed alone.”
“How long was I out?”
He glanced at her bare legs before he looked into her eyes. She was too panicked when she got up to even notice that she didn’t wear pants. But now she was in his bed her long legs stretched out before her. Even with the added weight she never minded when a man looked at her, but when Ben did … She couldn’t describe it. It was more than just self-consciousness. But she refused to fold her legs beneath her. She refused to care what he thought about her body.
“We’ve been together for a little over an hour. I don’t know how long you were asleep before I came to see you, but if I had to guess it’s been a long time. It’s nearly eight pm.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.” She felt stupid for letting her guard down for that long. “I was exhausted.”
“Don’t apologize. I know the past few days have been difficult for you. I want you to feel comfortable here.”
Comfortable? She was alone in a room with him. Comfortable was the last thing she was feeling at that moment. “So what did you want to talk to me about?”
“Did you really name him Dash?”
“Well, yeah.” She looked up at Ben’s frowning face. “You don’t like it.”
“No.”
She shrugged. At least he was honest. “I think it’s a cool name. It kind of goes with Chip and Muffy and Scooter. All those names you rich white folks like to give your offspring.”
“I’ve never known anybody with any of those names.”
“No?”
“No.” He took Dash’s small hand in his, touching each one of his small fingers. “What’s his middle name?”
“Walter. I named him after my stepfather.”
“Where is your family? I take it you didn’t turn to them for help.”
She looked down at her son’s head. “I can’t go to them. They don’t like me.”
“Why? I can’t imagine anything that you could do to make them turn their backs.”
A dull pain throbbed in her chest. The same pain she thought about whenever she thought about her family. “I was a bitch, Ben. Before I had my kid I was a stupid, selfish bitch. They don’t like me for the same reasons you don’t like me and frankly I deserve it.”
He let go of Dash’s hand and took hers, stroking his large thumb over her palm. “I never said I didn’t like you. But obviously you didn’t like yourself.”
She looked up into his eyes, surprised by his gentle touch, surprised that he pegged her so quickly.
“Are you a better person now that he’s here?”
“I would like to think so. I’m sure trying to be.”
Ben nodded. “Then you will be.” She didn’t know how it happened. She didn’t know if he moved or she got closer, but there was no longer any space between them. Their sides were pressed together. His strong shoulder was supporting her head and he still held her hand. She couldn’t remember the last time any man had simply just touched her. Without expecting more. Without trying to pressure her into sex. To most men that was the only thing she was good for, and for a while she had believed that.
“Are you gay?” She tried to break the bubble around them, the odd closeness that she felt. It couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be happening.
“No.” He didn’t act all huffy like she expected. He didn’t jump with wounded male pride. All he said was, “Why do you ask?”
“You keep looking at my legs.”
“Normally when a man looks at a woman’s legs the last thing she accuses him of is being gay.”
“I don’t know. I keep thinking that you are looking at my chubby legs and judging them. Like you are dreaming up exercises that I can do to make them smaller.”
“I keep looking at them because they are quite nice to look at and because it’s been a very long time since there has been a bare-legged woman in my bed.”
“Are you a leg man?”
He shifted his head to look into her eyes. “I’m more of a tits and ass man, but since you aren’t walking around here with those things bared I haven’t had the chance to look at them.”
“Ben!” She was shocked by his words and yet laughter bubbled up inside her. Dash giggled too as if he were in on the joke, and Ben smiled.
Ben smiled and she realized how beautiful he was for the first time.
“I’m a man, Dina. I appreciate beautiful women. Even ones who think they have chubby legs.”
“What kind of women do you date?”
“I don’t date.”
“Why not? You could get any woman you wanted.”
“I loved my wife very much. After she died, I didn’t want anybody else. I don’t want anybody else.” The raw pain in his eyes was undeniable for a moment, but then it disappeared so quickly Dina wondered if it was ever there in the first place. “You have to understand what it’s like to be the head of Rowe and Son. People don’t want to get to know me for who I am. They want to know me for what I can give them.”
“What made you fall in love with your wife?”
“We went to school together. We met at when I was ten and she was eight.”
“How long has she been gone now?” She didn’t want to pry, but looking at him, hearing that strange catch in his voice, made her feel like she was mourning with him.
“Nine years.”
“Nine years? But-but … Hasn’t the pain dulled yet?”
“Some pain never goes away. We weren’t in a good place when she died and it was my fault. I should have done more to keep her happy.” He fell quiet, gazing down at sleepy Dash’s little face. “I’m not sure why I told you that. I don’t speak like this with anyone.”
“It’s because now we are BFFs.”
He frowned. “BFFs?”
“Best friends forever. We should wear matching friendship bracelets or something.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of tattoos, but whatever you want.”
She grinned at him and he smiled back at her, looking into her eyes. She realized how much she liked him in that moment.
“What was she like, Ben?” She didn’t know why she asked, but as she got to know Ben she saw glimpses of a man a woman could love. She wanted to know what kind of woman could cause a man to love her so much that he still heavily mourned her nine years after her death.
He stiffened. His expression hardened. “I don’t want to talk about Karen anymore.”
“Oh,” Dina said. And just like that, the bubble popped, the closeness she felt disappeared and they were back to that awkward tense state she was so used to with him.
“I think it’s past my baby boy’s bedtime.”
“Oh, of course.” He looked down at Dash, his expression going soft. “I hope I didn’t keep you awake too long.”
“Say good night to your uncle.” She handed Dash to Ben while she got out of his bed.
“Good night, son.”
Ben looked like he wanted to hug or kiss Dash but seemed unsure of how to connect.
“Good night, Uncle Ben.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt like she needed to, like this man was as starved for affection as she was sometimes. “Uncle Ben, ha-ha. Uncle Ben. Get it? Just like the rice.”
He frowned at her. “Hysterical.”
“Good night, Ben.”
“Good night, Dina.”
* * *
She made the short trip back to her room her mind buzzing with thoughts. Her conversation with Ben had brought up a lot of things for her. Her family was one of them. She missed them. She missed her outrageous loudmouth mother, she missed her awkward genius stepfather, but most of all she missed her little sister. The person she loved and hurt the most. She glanced at the phone by her bedside. Ellis’s cell phone number never changed. Dina called it sometimes when she was lonely. She called it sometimes just to hear her sister’s voice, but they never spoke. She always wanted to. She always wanted to say,
I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry.
But the words never came out. But now, tonight, the need to speak to her sister overwhelmed Dina. She wanted to tell Ellis about Dash and Virgil and Ben and how she had held down the same job for two years and how on weekends she helped teach dance classes at the community center. And how much she liked working with little girls and how much she wanted to open her own studio one day.
Before she could think she put Dash down, grabbed the phone and dialed her sister’s number.
“Hello?”
“Hi,” Dina said before her voice broke.
“Dina? Is that you?”
And somehow in that moment she lost her nerve. She wasn’t ready to speak to her sister. She couldn’t bear the rejection. “No-no … It’s, um, Amy. I was looking for Carla.”
“Oh.” That little word seemed to be filled with disappointment. “I’m sorry, but I think you have the wrong number.”
Dina hung up before another word could be said. She wasn’t ready yet. She just wasn’t ready.
* * *
The next morning Dina woke up earlier than her usual time. It was pitch-black out, but her stomach was rumbling with hunger. She had been so overwhelmed yesterday that she didn’t manage to swallow more than a few bites. In fact, she hadn’t been eating much the last few days, so afraid for her son’s future that even the thought of food made the knot in her stomach bigger. But today for the first time in a long time she was hungry.
It was odd. It was as if her brain had finally given her body permission to relax, but it shouldn’t. Her future wasn’t any more settled than the day before. She had no idea what Ben’s plans for them were. And she had to get back to work or she was going to lose her job. But she knew that whatever happened he wouldn’t let his nephew go without. Ben wasn’t that kind of man. She crawled out of bed knowing that there was no way she would be able to get back to sleep. It wasn’t 5:00 am yet. Dash wouldn’t be up for another two hours or so and her stomach was growling so loudly she might wake the whole house if she didn’t put something in it.
She walked into the hallway, in just her T-shirt. Her clothing was gone, either in the laundry or thrown out by one of Ben’s efficient staff. Nobody was awake to see her thighs. And she wanted to keep it that way. She hoped to be down to the kitchen and back up to her bedroom before anybody noticed, but when she walked past Ben’s bedroom she noticed that the door was open and by the dim light in the hallway she could see that he wasn’t in his bed. Had he slept there? Curiosity got the better of her and as she walked down the hallway she decided not to head to the kitchen. Finding out more about Ben was suddenly more interesting.
She found that special wing of the house that was his domain. It was where his office was, where he seemed to spend most of his time. Ben looked like the type of man who liked to work, like he lived for it, like he wanted to be buried with his computer and smartphone when he died. She could just imagine him sitting behind his desk already, in his three-piece suit, making big decisions. It was so opposite of her.
She had never enjoyed working. It was just something she did to pay the bills. It never brought her any joy. But then again it was hard to find joy standing on her feet for twelve hours in a restaurant. Her sister loved her job. Ellis ran a clothing store and bridal boutique in Durant. It was her dream come true. Dina wanted her dream come true too, something she could wake up excited to do. That’s why opening her own dance studio one day was so important. She didn’t know how long it was going to take to get there, but she would get there one day.
She walked down the hallway towards Ben’s office, but that tiny room caught her eye again. She noticed the bed in it yesterday and thought little of it. But today the bed was rumpled, unmade. Curiosity getting the better of her, she walked into the room and that’s when she spotted Ben on the floor. Doing push-ups. He was shirtless, slightly sweaty and throwing out pheromones like a pitcher during a perfect game.
It all caused Dina to stumble backward. She had noticed yesterday that Ben was in good shape, but she never imagined he would look like this. There wasn’t an inch of fat on him, no softness either. She gawked at the ripples in his back, and the bulge of his biceps, and the dark hair that sparsely decorated his chest.
Hot damn.
There was that beat of attraction again. She tried to shake it off. It must be because she hadn’t had sex since she had gotten pregnant with her son. Yeah, that had to be it. She had enjoyed sex immensely before Dash. Her body was just missing what it had gone for so long without.
Yeah, that must be it.
She shook her head. This was a bad idea. Watching Ben like he was a live version of a dirty movie was a bad idea. She should have just gone to the kitchen like she was planning to. She took another step back, trying to escape the room as quietly as possible, but her back connected with the door frame, causing a nice loud thump. Ben jumped up off the floor and was before her in an instant.
“What are you doing here?” he snapped.
“You don’t sleep in your room,” she said, not really having an explanation to why she was there. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“And it couldn’t have waited until a decent hour?”
Her stomach betrayed her, letting out a mighty rumble.
“You’re hungry.” His expression softened a bit. “Come on. Let’s feed you.”
* * *
“How do you like your eggs?”
She watched Ben pull out a frying pan and turn on the stove from her spot on the counter. He was still shirtless. She tried not to watch the way his muscles worked beneath his skin as he moved, but she couldn’t help it. He looked edible.
“Dina?”
“Um … Over easy. You know you totally don’t have to do this. I can settle for a couple of pieces of bread or some fruit. I like fruit. I should probably just eat fruit. I should probably go on a diet. Or maybe I should have cold cereal or oatmeal. I could even heat up some leftovers. I’m not picky.”