Have a New Kid by Friday (11 page)

When an older child uses negative behavior to get your attention, the ante is upped. Let’s say your teenage daughter flounces down the stairs wearing a skirt so short that you wince. In fact, you’ve never seen that skirt before. Did she borrow it from a friend? You wonder. . . .

You know that she’s acting like this to get your attention, but she’s also doing something else. She’s building up her skill in the power game.
I’ll MAKE you pay attention to me
, her attitude screams.
I’m not going to be what you want me to be.

And then what does she do next? She sticks her hand out and says, “Where are the keys?”

Your response? “What keys?”

At her incredulous look, you say, “I can tell by the way you’re dressed that you’re not ready to go out.”

Will you have a big blowout? Probably. But the fact holds firm: she’s not going anywhere dressed like that.

Too many parents back down from this attention-seeking and power-driven behavior. They let things slide, thinking,
She’ll come
to her senses one day.
Don’t wait. It’s better to force a blowout than to suffer through the slow leak.

By saying or doing these things, you are telling the child that you know not only what he’s doing but why he did it. And you’re disclosing what you feel and see going on before your very eyes.You’re also telling the child, without saying it in words,
Hey, kid,
it’s not all about you. You’re not the only one who needs attention.
Such words get back to the purposive behavior. All behavior serves a purpose. When kids act out, they are seeking attention. Calling a spade a spade gets at the core of what the child needs and also dissuades him from more attention-getting behavior.

When your kid does something stupid to get attention, simply say calmly, “Oh, honey, do that again! You haven’t done that in a long time. Oh, my, you must really need Mom’s attention. Come on over here. Let’s talk about that.”

Babysitting

“Friends ask me all the time if my 11-year-old daughter will babysit for their 3-year-old. I just don’t feel comfortable letting Lexi do it since it feels like a lot of responsibility for a young child. What if something went wrong?”

“A girl down the block has always watched our 2 children. But now she’s 17, and she always brings her boyfriend. I keep wondering who she’s paying attention to: our kids or her boyfriend? Should we switch babysitters or just tell her she can’t bring her boyfriend?”

Babysitting is a two-way street—choosing a babysitter for your children and deciding when your child can babysit other children, if she has interest.

When should you let your child babysit? Kids can babysit at age 10 or 11 if they are children who show a high level of responsibility in other areas of life, but I usually suggest no younger than age 12.

Sure, the money they can earn may sound good, but they are also agreeing to a great deal of responsibility—especially if the child they are babysitting is younger than age 2 and can’t express feelings and needs in words. Also, how many children would your child babysit? How well behaved are the children? A lot also depends on the personality of your child. Emily, for example, didn’t start babysitting until she was 16. Before that, she wasn’t ready for the responsibility, and she wouldn’t have been able to keep track of more than 1 child. Jill began babysitting at 11. She had a natural affinity for younger children since she had 4 younger siblings of her own, and she was used to juggling multiple needs.

No child should be pushed to babysit children from outside her own family unless she wants to. If she has an interest, offer the opportunities in bits and pieces so she can develop the responsibility for babysitting without being overwhelmed or potentially getting herself and the children into danger. I know two families on the same block who have 11-year-old and 13-year-old girls who trade babysitting responsibilities for the younger children in their families. On two Fridays a month Stacey, the 11-year-old, goes out for a movie with friends while her parents also go out for a date night. Kendra, the 13-year-old, watches the 3 younger children from both families at Stacey’s home, while Kendra’s parents have a date night at their own home. The next Friday, the two girls and the two parents switch roles. This way both girls earn money for summer camp, yetboth are just three houses away from a set of parents (the ones having the date night at home), should there be any concerns with the younger children. It’s a plan that works well for all parties involved. And the emergency plan has been used only once—when all the power went out in the house because of a storm, and Stacey didn’t know how to work the electrical panel to get the lights back on.

If your child is the babysitter, be careful about where you let her babysit. It’s best, if possible, for you to personallyknow the family. Either way, make sure that
you
are the one who takes your daughter to the home and that
you
are the one who picks her up. Sadly, I’ve heard way too many stories of grown men—
fathers—
hitting on teenage girls when they take them home after babysitting. If we had a teenage girl or woman babysitting for our family, Sande always drove that babysitter home. Because it’s easy for kids to make up stories about what adults do with and to them, Sande and I adopted this policy early on: I take boys home; Sande takes girls home. We’ve never deviated from that policy.

If your child is older and has a boyfriend, that can often add an interesting mix to the babysitting equation. My suggestion is that you have an agreement with your child that when she babysits, the boyfriend never comes along. That way she is free to focus on the children she’s responsible for, and she’s not sending a mixed message to the family she’s babysitting for.

Before agreeing to any babysitter for your own children, think about these things:

1. Your child’s physical safety and emotional security is in this person’s hands. What kind of person do you want your babysitter to be?

2. What instructions do you need to give the babysitter about your child’s care? It’s always best to write them out and leave a copy with the babysitter so there is no confusion. This is especially important if there is any medicine to be given or feedings of infants/young children that need to be done.

3. How long do you want to be gone for the first trial run? Some parents decide to be gone only an hour and to go to a place no more than 10 to 20 minutes away from home if they have a new babysitter.

4. What expectations do you have for what will happen while you’re gone?

5. Some parents suggest a schedule such as the following: Pizza for dinner at 6:00. Movie (handpicked by the parents and on the counter) from 7:00 to 8:30. Bedtime at 8:30, with a bedtime story already picked out to be read to the children. You and only you know the children’s schedule. If you want your young children to be sleeping peacefully when you get home, tell the babysitter the schedule so things will seem normal for the children. If you’re a parent who doesn’t mind a free-for-all evening (and the resulting messy cleanup), that’s fine too. Either way, make your expectations clear to the babysitter, including that she will clean up.

6. Make sure the babysitter has your cell phone number, knows when to expect you home, and knows how to call 911.

All of these things will help your child and you to have healthy babysitting experiences.

Bad Language

I haven’t given specific examples here, because every family will differ on some of the specifics of what they consider bad language. A lot of it has to do with whether you are a person of faith (i.e., Christian or Jewish) who honors the 10 Commandments or not.If so, then those commandments clearly say to not take the Lord’s name in vain. But bad language isn’t only taking the Lord’s name in vain. It extends beyond that to words or phrases like Bleep you, the S word, A-hole . . . well, you get the idea.

Sometimes younger children will use bad language and not even know it. They hear it at school and just bring it to the dinner table as an experiment. Countless parents have been surprised by what’s come out of their child’s mouth in a matter-of-fact way.

One mom told me about a quiet family dinner she was having until her 6-year-old, Samantha, said very matter-of-factly, “Would you pass the bleepin’ potatoes?” The following evening, Samantha’s 8-year-old sister used the
d
word.

On both occasions, that mom just about dropped her fork.Her children just looked back at her serenely. On the second occasion, the 8-year-old simply said calmly, “What does
d—n
it
mean?” Neither child had any idea what she was saying. They were just repeating what they’d heard out of another child’s mouth.

After the mom’s blood pressure slowed down from the shock, she took the experience a step further and decided now was the time for a teachable moment.

“I know the words,” she said. Then she proceeded to explain what the words meant and that they’d hear them come frequently out of other people’s mouths in public places. “However, we as a family have chosen not to use those words because they are filthy words and not honoring to God.”

Whether you are a person of faith or not, here’s something else very important to consider: the words you use reveal your character. Just by listening to the words you use, others will assume things about you that may or may not be true. Is that the picture you want to portray to others?

The bottom line is that families need to decide whether they are going to use certain words or not. Then they need to stick with that decision and convey those values to their children.

Bathing

“But I don’t want a bath! I don’t need a bath! I just had one last week!”

“It’s none of your business. I’ll take a shower when I want to. None of my friends rag on me about it.”

How is it that bathing and basic hygiene always seem to turn into an all-out war between a parent and child? And it all seems to start at a young age. To young children, baths seem like unnecessary evils. They interrupt the fun your child is having and require him to take time out from what is so important to him.