Hate Me (Worthy Of Love series, #1) (5 page)

'Okay,' I said.

I didn't mean to be a bitch, but I wanted time to process everything on my own. I evaded Rene's questions with one word answers and she soon gave up on me.

'I'm goi
ng to see Lewis,' she announced a little too forcefully. 'I'll take the keys with me. Call me if you need anything.'

I didn't blame for not wanting my company. I wouldn't have been able to stand me either
.

I waited for the sound of her footsteps to recede
before I began cutting again. I couldn't stop myself. I always promised myself it would be the last time, and then days or weeks would go by before I had a relapse. I hated myself for falling back into it, but at the same I needed to do it. I was addicted to feeling the razor on my skin.
 

Chapter Five

'Ther
e's a party tonight,' Rene said the following Saturday.

I'
d been in a sulky mood all week and Rene and I hardly spoken as she was busy with assignments and spending time with her new boyfriend Lewis. I wasn't selfish to want her to be just as miserable as I was. I just wanted to stay at home in pyjamas all weekend.

'You go,' I told her. 'I don't feel like going anywhere tonight.'

'Which is exactly why you should go!' Rene said. 'Please, please, please, please,' she begged clutching my arm and giving me puppy dog eyes.

I was close to giving in and she knew it.

'Come on, we’ll have a good time,’ Rene said. ‘And if it’s boring or whatever, we’ll just leave.’

‘Fine, let’s go,’ I reluctantly agreed. I wasn’t big on parties, but I didn’t want to disappoint Rene. She was my only friend after all, so I felt compelled to go. The two of us changed into our best outfits. Rene
looked dazzling with her curly hair up,and a green dress with a slit halfway down her thighs showing off her perfect legs. I stuck to black.
‘Boring,’ Rene said with a pout.
She could pout all she wanted. I was sticking to my dress for one reason only: it had sleeves. I let my hair down and applied the finishing touches of lip gloss. Even after all these years, I still couldn’t wear lipstick, especially red.
‘We look good,’ Rene said as we checked ourselves out in the mirror.
     I laughed as she did a twirl.

~

The party was not my kind of scene. I reluctantly
followed Rene as we squeezed our way through groping bodies. I stuck close to Rene, and we even danced together a couple of times. I was getting hot. I could feel the sweat dripping from the back of my head. I gestured at Rene, touching my throat. Rene nodded as she continued dancing with Lewis. I searched the kitchen for light refreshments.

I froze when I saw Jack and Jennifer laughing together, her hand on his arm, his on her waist. It felt like a knife through my chest. My gasp was inaudible because of the loud music.
The last thing I wanted to see was Jennifer’s triumphant smirk. I turned away and decided I would find Rene. I bumped it someone. ‘Oh, I’m sorry’ – the apology died on my lips as I faced Jack’s mother.

She was exactly the same as I remembered apart from the bits of grey peeking out of her hair. Age didn’t look good on her. Mrs Daniels looked tired and weary, and
more like Jack’s grandmother than his mother.
     I watched as recognition slowly dawned on her face.
‘What are
you
doing here?’ she said.

The music s
topped and I felt all eyes on me. For a moment I stupidly wanted to ask Mrs Daniels the same thing.
What was she doing here
? But the question never left my lips. It suddenly occurred to me this was Jack’s house.How could I have not known? I didn’t even think to ask Rene whose party we were attending.
     ‘How dare you enter this house!’ Mrs Daniels shrieked.
     I couldn’t say anything back to her. My throat was closed up. I looked at around, searching for a friendly face. Rene was nowhere to be seen. My gaze rested on Jack. His ice blue eyes told me I would find no ally in him, but even so, I appealed to Jack. I stared at him in desperation. Jack just looked back at me no emotion on his face. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.
     Mrs Daniels went ballistic. ‘I can’t believe you have the
nerve
to come here!’
‘I’m sorry, Mrs Daniels. I didn’t know you were here,’ I mumbled uselessly.
Mrs Daniels gave me a slap I didn’t see coming. ‘You should be apologising to my dead daughter, you little bitch!’
     I held my cheek in shock.
‘Get out of my house. I don’t want to see your face. Don’t you dare come near me or my family again.’
     The cheers following her scream was deafening. With the exception of Rene, they all hated me. I didn’t belong here. I was so stupid to think I could lead a normal life. My hair whipped behind me as I ran out of Jack’s living room and out of his house. I didn’t stop running until I was far away from their street. I shivered as I realised I had left my coat behind and then silently laughed. Who cared about a bloody coat? My life was in tatters and I worried about the stupid weather. I wrapped my arms around myself and just walked not knowing where the hell I was going.
 

~

I managed to make it back to
the campus and to my dorm room in one piece. I locked the door with what little strength I had left and then I just collapsed on the cold ground. Everything I had been holding back came rushing at me all at once. It was too much for me to handle. I needed release. I pulled out the small razor blade hidden underneath the floorboards. I stripped the sleeves of my stupid dress and felt satisfaction at the sound of it ripping. I began to cut over my old scars. I watched as the blood ran over my arms. I closed my eyes at the relief I felt. I washed away the blood and hid all evidence of what I had done. I sat in the tub allowed the water soothe me. I stayed in the water until my fingers were wrinkly. I put a towel over my head and a longer one around my waist before stumbling in my bedroom to pat myself dry and change.

I
wore a long sleeved grey hoodie with
Montgomery
written on the front and a pair of old pyjama trousers with red and black tartan designs. By the time I was ready for bed, Rene came through the door. She had a guilty look on her face. Rene must have heard what happened.

My face burned in shame.

‘I’m so sorry, Amanda. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I met up with a couple of people from my old school and we had a little catch up.

‘It’s Okay,’ I said.

Rene shook her head. ‘No it’s not, I should have invited you to come with us to the new club that was opening tonight.’

I brushed her off and gave her a weak smile. ‘I’m tired. We’ll talk tomorrow.’
I wasn’t angry at Rene. I just wanted to be left alone.

A knock on the door interrupted Rene’s reply. She went to eagerly answer it.
I didn’t mind if she had some friends over as long as they didn’t bother me.

‘It’s for you
,’ Rene said.

I looked at Jack
standing in the doorway. Why was he here? ‘Tell him I don’t want to speak to him,’ I said.

Rene attempted to relay my message, but she didn’t get very
far. ‘She said –’

‘I can hear her
, she’s right there,’ he said, annoyed.
I walked in the direction of my bedroom. Jack crossed the threshold and stalked towards me.
‘Hey, you can’t just barge in here –’ Rene said.

Jack
stopped in front of me. ‘Let me talk to you outside.’

I was aware of Rene watching us with curiosity. I didn’t mind making a big scene in front of her, but the walls were thin and I didn’t want other people in the dorm overhearing us.

‘The hallway,’ I conceded.

Jack sighed, but I guess his need to talk to me outweighed where we did it. Rene left the door half open, but Jack closed it shut behind us, clearly not
wanting her to listen in. We walked a little distance away from my dorm room. I crossed my arms over my chest as I waited for Jack to begin.

‘My mother was a bitch to you tonight. She had no right to do that.
I should have stopped her.’

I looked at Jack
in surprise. Was he actually apologising to me? My face must have shown what I was feeling because Jack grimaced.

‘
Yes this is an apology; I’m not very good at it obviously, if I have to tell you it’s one.’

‘Cont
inue with the apology,’ I said.

‘You’re not going to make this easy are you?’
he said, and then he returned to Jack I knew – not the one that came over in the middle of the night to say sorry and failed miserably at it.
‘My mother went about it the wrong way, but she’s right about one thing. My sister’s dead because of you. And you’re not even guilty are you?’

How was I supposed to answer that?
If I told himI had nightmares about it still, would he believe me? I rubbed my arms through my clothes, unaware I was doing it until I saw Jack watching me. He noticed the bandage peeking out through my sleeve. My heart pounded in my chest. I slowly attempted to put my hands behind my back. Jack caught my wrist. I panicked which was a stupid thing to do. It only made him even more suspicious of me.

‘Let me go,’ I said, trying to tug my arm away.

Jack ignored me and rolled up one of my sleeves. The shock of seeing the bandages hiding both my recent scars and my old ones temporarily paralysed Jack.

Angered, I
pulled down my sleeves in one quick motion.

Jack caught my arm
and slowly rolled it back up again. He did the same to other and then peeled of a bandage to my mortification. I felt horribly exposed. Nobody knew about them. Not my mother and certainly not Rene.

His face was enrage
d as he saw the cuts on my arms. ‘You don’t get to hurt yourself like this!’

‘Why? B
ecause if anybody is going to be doing the hurting, it’s you, right?’ I spat with venom.

‘I’m not that kind of person!’
Jack said in horror. ‘I don’t want to see you like this. All I wanted was for you to show a bit of emotion. I just wanted you to feel sorry for what you did.’

‘Is this sorry enough for you?’
I said in sarcasm.

Jack leaned in close, so close our lips were just inches apart. His grip on my arms tightened.

I didn’t know whether Jack was going to kill me or kiss me.

‘I
’m trying to forget about it all,’ Jack whispered. ‘I’m trying, but you make it so hard. And I hate you for that.’

I looked
at his beautiful blue eyes. I didn’t care what he felt for me, just as long as he felt
something
.

‘H
ate me,’ I replied a little breathlessly.

Jack growled before he crossed the last couple of inches. He kissed me hard. I kissed him just as hard. Our
tongues duelled for battle. I lost and let Jack possess me entirely. He released my arms and curled a hand around my nape to pull me closer, it was surprisingly gentle for someone who claimed to hate me.

My hands itched to place them anywhere on his body, but I resisted and
curled my fists at my sides. I stayed pressed against the wall as I let Jack have his way with me. We both came up for much needed air.

Neither of us spoke for a moment. I hadn’t expected this to happen, and from the looks of things, neither had Jack. I watched as confusion
mixed with anger in his blue eyes. I knew he was angry at himself, for giving into whatever
this was
between us. Knowing Jack, he probably thought he was tainting the memory of his sister or something. I felt the same way. It was my fault Lilly was dead, and here I was snogging her brother when I had no right to. That brief moment had filled me with happiness. I wasn't allowed to be happy.

Jack wiped his mouth
, like he could wipe all traces of what just happened. ‘This doesn’t mean anything,’ he said.

‘Ditto,’ I replied
with a smirk, because I would never let Jack know I was serious about him. I didn’t care how he hurt me, as long as my heart was untouched. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if I let him play around with my feelings.

I walked away from Jack
and resisted the urge to look back, to see if he was watching me. I closed my eyes. God, how stupid was I? To fall for the one person who would never love me back. I raised my fist to knock on my dorm room and wasn’t surprised when Rene opened it. She dragged me inside and squealed. ‘Amanda, you have to tell me everything. Is Daniels a great kisser?’

I sighed. ‘It’s
everything I wanted it to be…’

Rene looked at me with puzzlement. ‘Then why are you
not jumping for joy right now?’

‘Because,’ I said, ‘our re
lationship is kind of complicated. My dad killed his sister. After raping her. Multiple times.'