Harold Pinter Plays 2 (18 page)

Is she supposed to have resisted me at all?

JAMES.
A little.

BILL.
Only a little?

JAMES.
Yes.

BILL.
Do you believe her?

JAMES.
Yes.

BILL.
Everything she says?

JAMES.
Sure.

BILL.
Did she bite at all?

JAMES.
NO.

BILL.
Scratch?

JAMES.
A little.

BILL.
You’ve got a devoted wife, haven’t you? Keeps you well informed, right up to the minutest detail. She scratched a little, did she? Where? (
Holds
up
a
hand.
)
On the hand? No scar. No scar anywhere. Absolutely unscarred. We can go before a commissioner of oaths, if you like. I’ll strip, show you my unscarred body. Yes, what we need is an independent witness. You got any chambermaids on your side or anything?

JAMES
applauds
briefly.

JAMES.
You’re a wag, aren’t you? I never thought you’d be such a wag. You’ve really got a sense of fun. You know what I’d call you?

BILL.
What?

JAMES.
A wag.

BILL.
Oh, thanks very much.

JAMES.
No, I’m glad to pay a compliment when a compliment’s due. What about a drink?

BILL.
That’s good of you. 

JAMES.
What will you have?

BILL.
Got any vodka?

JAMES.
Let’s see. Yes, I think we can find you some vodka.

BILL.
Oh, scrumptious.

JAMES.
Say that again.

BILL.
What?

JAMES.
That word.

BILL.
What, scrumptious?

JAMES.
That’s it.

BILL.
Scrumptious.

JAMES.
Marvellous. You probably remember that from school, don’t you?

BILL.
Now that you mention it I think you might be right.

JAMES.
I thought I was. Here’s your vodka.

BILL.
That’s very generous of you.

JAMES.
Not at all. Cheers. (
They
drink.
)

BILL.
Cheers.

JAMES.
Eh, come here.

BILL.
What?

JAMES.
I bet you’re a wow at parties.

BILL.
Well, it’s nice of you to say so, but I wouldn’t say I was all that much of a wow.

JAMES.
Go on, I bet you are. (
Pause.
)

BILL.
You think I’m a wow, do you?

JAMES.
At parties I should think you are.

BILL.
No, I’m not much of a wow really. The bloke I share this house with is, though.

JAMES.
Oh, I met him. Looked a jolly kind of chap.

BILL.
Yes, he’s very good at parties. Bit of a conjurer.

JAMES.
What, rabbits?

BILL.
Well, not so much rabbits, no.

JAMES.
No rabbits?

BILL.
No. He doesn’t like rabbits, actually. They give him hay fever.

JAMES.
Poor chap.

BILL.
Yes, it’s a pity.

JAMES.
Seen a doctor about it?

BILL.
Oh, he’s had it since he was that high.

JAMES.
Brought up in the country, I suppose?

BILL.
In a manner of speaking, yes.

Pause.

Ah well, it’s been very nice meeting you, old chap. You must come again when the weather’s better.

JAMES
makes
a
sudden
move
forward.
BILL
starts
back,
and
falls
over
a
pouffe
on
to
the
floor.
JAMES
chuckles.
Pause.

You’ve made me spill my drink. You’ve made me spill it on my cardigan.

JAMES
stands
aver
him.

I could easily kick you from here.

Pause.

Are you going to let me get up?

Pause.

Are you going to let me get up?

Pause.

Now listen … I’ll tell you what…

Pause.

If you let me get up ..

Pause.

I’m not very comfortable.

Pause.

If you let me get up … I’ll … I’ll tell you … the truth …

Pause.

JAMES.
Tell me the truth from there.

BILL.
No. No, when I’m up.

JAMES.
Tell me from there.

Pause.

BILL.
Oh well. I’m only telling you because I’m utterly bored … The truth … is that it never happened … what you said, anyway. I didn’t know she was married. She never told me. Never said a word. But nothing of that… happened, I can assure you. All that happened was … you were right, actually, about going up in the lift … we … got out of the lift, and then suddenly she was in my arms. Really wasn’t my fault, nothing was further from my mind, biggest surprise of my life, must have found me terribly attractive quite suddenly, I don’t know … but I … I didn’t refuse. Anyway, we just kissed a bit, only a few minutes, by the lift, no one about, and that was that – she went to her room.

He
props
himself
up
on
the
pouffe.

The rest of it just didn’t happen. I mean, I wouldn’t do that sort of thing. I mean, that sort of thing … it’s just meaningless. I can understand that you’re upset, of course, but honestly, there was nothing else to it. Just a few kisses. (
BILL
rises,
wiping
his
cardigan.)
I’m dreadfully sorry, really, I mean, I’ve no idea why she should make up all that. Pure fantasy. Really rather naughty of her. Rather alarming. (
Pause.
)
Do you know her well?

JAMES.
And then about midnight you went into her private bathroom and had a bath. You sang ‘Coming through the Rye’. You used her bath towel. Then you walked about the room with her bath towel, pretending you were a Roman.

BILL.
Did I?

JAMES.
Then I phoned.

Pause.

I spoke to her. Asked her how she was. She said she was
all right. Her voice was a little low. I asked her to speak up. She didn’t have much to say. You were sitting on the bed, next to her.

Silence.

BILL.
Not sitting. Lying.

Blackout.
Church
bells.
Full
light
up
on
both
the
flat
and
the
house.
Sunday
morning.
JAMES
is
sitting
alone
in
the
living-room
of
the
flat
,
reading
the
paper.
HARRY
and
BILL
are
sitting
in
the
living-room
of
the
house,
coffee
before
them.
BILL
is
reading
the
paper.
HARRY
is
watching
him.
Silence.
Church
bells.
Silence.

HARRY.
Put that paper down.

BILL.
What?

HARRY.
Put it down.

BILL.
Why?

HARRY.
You’ve read it.

BILL.
No, I haven’t. There’s lots to read, you know.

HARRY.
I told you to put it down.

BILL
looks
at
him,
throws
the
paper
at
him
coolly
and
rises.
HARRY
picks it up and reads.

BILL.
Oh, you just wanted it yourself, did you?

HARRY.
Want it? I don’t want it.

HARRY
crumples
the
paper
deliberately
and
drops
it.

I don’t want it. Do you want it?

BILL.
You’re being a little erratic this morning, aren’t you?

HARRY.
Am I?

BILL.
I would say you were.

HARRY.
Well, you know what it is, don’t you?

BILL.
No.

HARRY.
It’s the church bells. You know how church bells always set me off. You know how they affect me.

BILL.
I never hear them.

HARRY.
You’re not the sort of person who would, are you?

BILL.
I’m finding all this faintly idiotic.

BILL
bends
to
pick
up
the
paper.

HARRY.
Don’t touch that paper.

BILL.
Why not?

HARRY.
Don’t touch it

BILL
stares
at
him
and
then
slowly
picks
it
up.
Silence.
He
tosses
it
to
HARRY
.

BILL.
You have it. I don’t want it.

BILL
goes
out
and
up
the
stairs.
HARRY
opens
the
paper
and
reads
it.
In
the
flat,
STELLA
comes
in
with
a
tray
of
coffee
and
biscuits.
She
places
the
tray
on
the
coffee-table
and
passes
a
cup
to
JAMES
.
She
sips.

STELLA.
Would you like a biscuit?

JAMES.
No, thank you.

Pause.

STELLA.
I’m going to have one.

JAMES.
You’ll get fat.

STELLA.
From biscuits?

JAMES.
You don’t want to get fat, do you?

STELLA.
Why not?

JAMES.
Perhaps you do.

STELLA.
It’s not one of my aims.

JAMES.
What is your aim?

Pause.

I’d like an olive.

STELLA.
Olive? We haven’t got any.

JAMES.
How do you know?

STELLA.
I know.

JAMES.
Have you looked?

STELLA.
I don’t need to look, do I? I know what I’ve got.

JAMES.
You know what you’ve got?

Pause.

Why haven’t we got any olives?

STELLA.
I didn’t know you liked them.

JAMES.
That must be the reason why we’ve never had them in the house. You’ve simply never been interested enough in olives to ask whether I liked them or not.

The
telephone
rings
in
the
house.
HARRY
puts
the
paper
down
and
goes
to
it.
BILL
comes
down
the
stairs.
They
stop,
facing
each
other,
momentarily.
HARRY
lifts
the
receiver.
BILL
walks
into
the
room,
picks
up
the
paper
and
sits.

HARRY.
Hullo. What? No. Wrong number. (
Replaces
receiver.
)

Wrong number. Who do you think it was?

BILL.
I didn’t think.

HARRY.
Oh, by the way, a chap called for you yesterday.

BILL.
Oh yes?