Hard Core (6 page)

Ledger’s mouth tightened into a grim line as I told the story. I ended my story quickly, deciding I’d said enough. I wasn’t completely sure why he’d grown so tense. “Guess I shouldn’t have shared that. As Rachel likes to say, the number one rule of dating should be no talking about the ex.”

“It doesn’t bother me. I just wish I could have known you then. I wish I could have stopped him for you.” He said it calmly, but it seemed his jaw was tight over the words as he spoke. It was a strange response, and one that I hadn’t expected.

He was still looking at me, but his expression lost the hard edge my story had caused. He reached over and ran his fingertips along the side of my face. My eyes closed unexpectedly. His fingers were dry and callused from work, but they felt like a soft caress. A gentle touch from a man who looked anything but gentle, it was a contradiction that I felt deep in my chest.

I opened my eyes when his hand fell away from my face. He was still gazing at me in that way that made me feel as if I was worthy of being loved.

The ride jerked me from my thoughts as our seat rolled up again. We were dangling far above the carnival. The loud voices and the mix of sweet, spicy and smoky aromas faded away.

Ledger leaned to the side and looked down. “I think we’re at the perfect place.”

“For what?”

He turned his body more toward me. I held my breath, hoping he’d touch me again.

“For this.” He lifted his hand and cupped the side of my chin as his thumb ran across my bottom lip. Then he leaned forward and pressed his mouth against mine. The kiss was as gentle as his caress. But I could feel power behind it. He was holding back as if I was a piece of porcelain, ready to break into a million pieces. It was as if when he looked at me with those brown eyes, he could see right into that permanent dark spot in my heart and see it all. It was as if he knew everything.

He lifted his face. “Should have thought this out a little. Thought it would be romantic. Turns out, it’s kind of hard to do a kiss justice from this angle.”

“Oh, I think you did it justice just fine.” I curled my hand around his neck and pressed my mouth against his.

Chapter 12

-Jacy-

The kiss on
the Ferris wheel had started out gentle, light, but by the time the ride had unloaded, we were done with the crowded carnival. Ledger had driven back to the beach as fast as his ramshackle truck would carry us. He slammed it into park in the first available spot.

I held my toy under one arm and grabbed his hand with the other. I led him along the brick pathway to my door. My mind was buzzing and my fingers were trembling with anticipation of what might come next. The simple task of getting a key in the door took comically long. A nervous laugh bubbled from my mouth.

“Need some help?” The anxious edge in his tone matched how I felt. I was relieved to see that he was feeling the same.

“Nope, got it.” The door lock clicked open.

Before we’d even left the front stoop, Ledger pulled me into his arms. The oversized, plush giraffe got accidentally wedged between our bodies as we frantically grabbed each other, barely taking the time to part lips as we stumbled inside the house.

Ledger reached between us and dislodged Newton, before slipping his hands beneath my shirt. His fingers felt delicious as he smoothed them over my back.

I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and my lips parted naturally, waiting for his deep, long kiss. He accepted my invitation and his mouth devoured mine as I softened against him, suddenly wanting nothing more than to have him touch every inch of me. I could feel his erection, pressing against the front of his jeans, hard and tense with expectation. I hadn’t realized how long I’d been craving this kind of intimacy until now. I was sure it had more to do with the man holding me than anything else. Everything about Ledger had awakened feelings and thoughts that I’d kept hidden, locked in a dark box, only to be opened by the right man. And it seemed I’d found him.

I felt as if I was making it clear that I wanted him to touch and kiss every inch of me, but it seemed he was holding back, unsure of how far he could go.

“Jacy”—his warm breath caressed my cheek as he spoke—“having you in my arms is the best damn thing that’s happened to me in a very long time.”

“Then don’t let go.” My voice came out on a whisper.

He wrapped his hands around my waist and backed me against the front door. He pressed his palms on the door, one on each side of me. I was trapped in his circle of arms. Hot tension came off his body in waves. It seemed he’d taken his hands off me to gain control, to slow down. His brown eyes were glazed heavy with desire, and his chest was heaving with breaths as he leaned his forehead against mine.

“If you’re not ready for this, Jacy, just say the word.” He lifted his face from mine. “It’s completely up to you.”

I peered up at him. My pulse was pounding, and my pussy was already wet and warm with wanting him. “Do you want this?”

A tilted smile tipped his mouth as he gazed down at me. “Jacy, if you had any idea how long and how badly I’ve wanted this—” He stopped himself and gazed down at me with worry, as if he’d said something wrong.

I smiled. My lips felt tender from his kisses. “Well, considering we’ve only know each other a week—Still, I’ll take that as a yes.” I grabbed the bottom edge of his shirt and pushed it up above his chest. He reached back and yanked it off over his head.

He was a powerful masterpiece of muscle and ink and looking at him shirtless, standing close enough to feel the heat of his body, caused the ache between my legs to intensify.

I pressed my mouth against his chest and kissed him. There hadn’t been even a flicker of doubt in my mind. I hadn’t allowed it. I needed this. I lifted my face to him. “I want this, Ledger.”

I took hold of his hand and led him down the hall to my room.

The second we stepped inside, I threw my arms around his neck and our mouths pressed together. He reached down and fumbled for the edge of my shirt. He leaned back to watch me as he took it off. His gaze went instantly to the swells of my breasts. The hungry look on his face sent a thrilled shiver through me.

He reached up and hooked his finger under my bra strap. Slowly, he slid it down to expose my naked breast. He lowered his mouth, and I took a deep, shuddering breath as his tongue drew circles around my nipple. Instinctively, I arched my back, pressing my breast firmly against his mouth.

His hands circled my waist, and he lifted me enough to place me on the bed. The squeak of a toy startled me. I froze in his arms for a second. Then I reached beneath me and pulled out the stuffed lamb. It felt as if the blood was draining from my face as I looked down at the crumpled, fuzzy lamb in my hand. It had been right there, the darkness was right at the edge of my mind, but I’d tried my hardest to keep it back because I wanted this. But that was all it had taken, the one unexpected squeak, and the cold feeling crept back in, taking over and changing my mind for me.

I didn’t lift my face to look at Ledger as I pulled my bra strap up over my shoulder. I didn’t need to look at him. His disappointment was palpable. So was mine. I felt the excited energy that had been coursing through my body just seconds before drain away.

“I’m sorry, Ledger.” The tremor in my voice couldn’t be hidden. I pulled in a deep, painful breath as I peered up at him. There was no frustration or anger, just sad resolve, almost as if he knew what I was thinking. Ledger had an uncanny ability to understand me without me having to tell him. “I thought I was ready for this . . .”

I knew from the rigid way he held himself that it had been a huge let down.

I stuck my hands between my thighs to steady them as he sat down next to me. It might have been easier just to tell him everything, to lay it all out for him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The story was too hard to say out loud. It had been kept locked inside for too long. Ledger was a good listener and his empathy was obvious, but my courage had run off, like it always did whenever I considered talking about it.

Ledger reached across and pushed my chin up with his fingers. He leaned forward and kissed me lightly on the mouth. “I’ll wait as long as it takes. Do you want me to stay?” I’d grown used to his deep, calm voice, and just hearing it made me feel better. But I knew I needed to be alone with this again. Like always, I would get through it alone.

I stared down at the lamb. “I’ve got a lot of work to do.”

“I’ll leave you to it, then.” He got up and walked out to the front room.

I placed the lamb on my pillow, pulled on my shirt and headed down the hallway. He had just pulled on his shirt as I reached the end of the hall. He turned back at the sound of my footsteps. His face showed a mix of every emotion, and I hoped I hadn’t scared him off for good.

“I had a good time today, Ledger. Thank you.”

“Me too.” He walked out.

***

I tossed the account book on the coffee table. Rex climbed up onto the couch next to me and flopped down with a dog harrumph. I stroked his head.

It had been several hours since I’d sent a profoundly disappointed Ledger away. He’d left the house looking like a sailboat that had just had all the wind taken out of its sails. I’d felt equally disappointed. Just when I was convinced that I was moving toward normalcy, toward an attachment to another person, I was yanked back from the brink.

In the past, I had tried hard to fight for some happiness. At my parent’s urging, I’d gone to therapy and even tried some anti-depressants. But they’d only left me feeling numb, as if nothing mattered at all. And I didn’t want that. As hard as it was, I always wanted to feel the sadness, the despair, the loss. She deserved
that
, at least. Except that perpetual despair was also stripping me of any chance to feel whole again. Ledger had been the first person to come along and awaken some of the emotions and physical sensations that go along with being a part of the human race. I could continue to spend time floating around that in-between world where I existed but I never really lived. Or I could climb out of the haze and let myself feel life.

I got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen for a glass of wine. Newton, the giraffe, was staring at me from the corner of the front room. It had been a great day. Ledger was so easy to talk to, and I had to admit, being with him made me happy.

I sipped my wine and thought back to the few hot moments we’d had before I pushed him away. I’d wanted it just as badly as him, and if I hadn’t landed on the lamb, I was sure I’d be in Ledger’s arms right now. But then again, knowing how good I was at sabotaging my own happiness, I might just have found some other stupid excuse to stop. I wondered if I’d put an end to it because of the sadness or if I was just determined to punish myself. I sometimes thought that if I was feeling too excited or pleased, I needed to squash it. Somewhere along the long, painful road, I’d convinced myself I didn’t deserve a nice ending. I’d made too many mistakes to deserve one.

I finished my wine. It had produced the slight headiness that I needed. I walked to my front window and looked out at the beach. The sun had set and left behind a clear, starry sky. Here I sat, alone, with my big snoring dog. And just several hundred yards away was a man, who didn’t really look the part, but who, so far, had been an absolute gentleman. I’d never had that before. I’d never had a gentleman.

I grabbed my sweatshirt off the hook by the door. “Be back soon, Rex.” 

Chapter 13

-Ledger-

I glanced one
more time down at the beach before stripping and flopping onto my mattress. After waking in an ice cold room every morning, I’d invested in a blanket. There was a floor heater in the room, but it was much better at making stink and noise than it was at producing actual heat.

I rested back against my pillow and stared up at the yellowed ceiling. The day had started just fine, but I wanted to kick myself for pushing Jacy too fast. The kiss in the Ferris wheel had been as chaste as I could make it considering how often I’d thought about her lips. But I held back and gave her a respectable peck, sure that I wouldn’t need more than that to get me through the day. But when she had returned it with a kiss of her own, making it seem as if she had been thinking about it and wanting it just as badly as me, a rush of emotions came out. All I could think was that I wanted her. All of her.

My lack of self-control might just have blown the whole fucking plan.

The sound of the ocean mixed with the quiet twang of the radio. I’d gotten in the habit of leaving it on all night. I’d found that after sleeping in a noisy prison for two years, I needed sound to sleep. The quiet made me think too much.

I closed my eyes. The music in the room had blocked out the sound of the door. I hadn’t noticed that it’d opened until a rush of ocean scented air swept over me. The dim lights from the clock and radio lit her small figure as she walked toward the mattress.

I lay there, my heart pounding in my chest, as she stood over the bed. “You should get that door fixed. You never know who might just walk inside.”

Her blue eyes gazed at me as she pushed her sweatshirt off her shoulders. No words passed between us as I watched her pull off her shirt. As she reached up to the clasp on her bra, I saw that her hands were trembling. The sight of her shaky fingers made my throat tighten. I wanted to pull her into my arms but I waited. Her dark pink nipples hardened beneath my steady gaze. She kicked off her shoes. She slid down her pants, this time pulling her eyes from me to hide the blush in her cheeks. Her panties dropped to the floor. She stood naked for a few seconds, allowing me the pleasure of looking at her, before kneeling down on the bed. Without a word, I lifted the edge of my blanket, and she slid in next to me. The heat coming off her naked body was like a fucking tonic, an elixir that could soothe any pain or need.

She stayed on her back, and I rolled onto my side. I smoothed my hand over her breasts. She closed her eyes, at the feel of me touching her. I stared at her doll-like face with the pouty lips, button nose and long, curly lashes. She was almost just a fantasy, like a painting that could be hung in a gallery. My cock pressed against her hip. I wanted more than anything to pull her beneath me, but I wasn’t going to blow it again.

Her head rolled on the pillow as she looked at me. Her eyes were a glossy blue as her lips parted in invitation. I lowered my mouth over hers and kissed her as my hand moved over her belly to her pussy. A soft mewling sound came from her throat as I slid my finger between the folds. It was slick and warm with moisture. I groaned at the feel of her wetness coating my finger. Without me asking, she parted her thighs just enough that my hand could fit between her legs.

My mouth was still on hers as my thumb massaged her clit, and I slid my finger inside of her. She gasped from behind the kiss and reached up to hold my arm in place, letting me know she wanted me there, touching her, fucking her softly with my finger. As I impaled her with two fingers, she lifted her hips to meet my hand, rocking gently at first and then holding my arm against her as she writhed in rhythm with my strokes.

She pushed her head back against the pillow, pulling her mouth free from mine as she moaned in pleasure at my touch.

“God, you are beautiful, Jacy. You feel like fucking heaven, your pussy, the sweet nectar warming it and those breasts. Those fucking amazing breasts.” I leaned over her breasts and suckled each one as my hand continued to invade her. She lifted her ass off the mattress, taking in more of my fingers and rubbing her clit firmly against my thumb.

“Oh, Ledger,” she said breathlessly as she clung to me. Her thighs tightened around my hand, and hot pulses went through her pussy as she came. Her whispery whimpers made my entire body tight with wanting to fuck her. I was practically senseless, like an unmatchable high, with the idea of having her, of lowering myself between her silky thighs and taking her again and again. But it was not part of my plan tonight. I needed her to feel safe with me. I needed her to know how much she meant to me.

Her body relaxed. Slowly, I moved my hand from between her thighs. She wiped quickly at her cheek and I noticed then, the tears at the corners of her eyes.

I kissed her shoulder as I placed my head down on the pillow. “Are you all right?”

The tiny glimmer of a smile followed, and a rush of relief went through me.

“I am.” She turned to face me and placed her palm on my cheek. “I’m more than all right. It’s just been a long time since—” Her hand moved down to my chest. She trailed her fingers over the lines of my tattoos. “I didn’t really think this through. Do you have any condoms?”

I took hold of her wrist and kissed the fingertips that had just been touching me. “Guess neither of us thought ahead about that. But we don’t need it tonight.” I pulled her into my arms, and she melted against me.

All I could think was that I wasn’t just holding any girl. I was holding
the
girl. For the last few weeks I’d been working hard at defining that fine line between overwhelming love for someone and obsession. Obsession always fell on the dark side of things. When I thought about it, I worried that I’d fallen onto that dark side. But I realized now that there was nothing dark about the way I felt for Jacy. I loved her pure and simple, and I would do anything to keep her safe and happy. But if she didn’t want me, if there was any point in time when it seemed she didn’t want me in her life, I would walk away. I’d be brokenhearted, but I would walk away. She didn’t need anything like she’d had in the past. She’d already survived that hell, and I wasn’t here to make her relive it. I was here if she wanted me. And if she didn’t, I would live with that.

Her body relaxed. She’d fallen asleep in my arms. It was still almost too hard to believe that I was holding her. But I knew, it was always there in the back of my mind, how easily this could all shatter. If Jacy knew how this had started, how this hadn’t just been chance or fate, if she knew how I’d loved her long before I met her, I was sure she’d walk away and never look back.