Hanging on (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2) (24 page)

“Yes, but we are men, and can do as we please,” Ty answered with a haughty tone. “It is up to us to enforce the double standard. Be careful missy—I saw someone putting up a stake outside for the witch burnings later.”

“Ty, I am much too hung-over to be witty.”

“You look too hung-over for that beer.”

Moose said, "We are having a few quiet ones before the girls show up. They are getting ready."

I took a sip of my beer and grimaced, proving Ty right.

"Not going down so well?" Adam asked with a chuckle.

Lump rolled her eyes.

"Just getting started, Adam. We had a pool party after the bar last night. It was a rough morning," I answered with a gruff voice. I wanted to lay down and die.

"A what?" Brad asked, leaning in to see us all. He was at the end of the table, leaning heavily into Jane.

"Pool. Party. We swam. In a pool."

"You swam in the state you were in last night?" William asked with heat in his voice.

The beginning of this evening was not going well.

"Yes, we swam. Gladis came down to read a book to make sure no one drowned. We finished another case of beer—"

"Two," Claire interjected. "And some Cuervo. Ah lads! We were
blocked!"

“
That means really drunk,” Jane clarified.

One of the guys whistled.

"What if one of you had drown? What would Gladis have done?" William asked, leaning toward me.

It was Jane that answered in a voice that a teacher might use to her pupil. "Willie, we are professionals. We have gone skinny dipping while drunk off our faces many a time. Usually in a river current with no lights or convenient floatie devices. To use your slang, this ain't our first rodeo. So cut the umbilical cord, if you would."

Moose leaned back with a bewildered smile on his face. Adam leaned in to look at Jane, and Brad had a smile from ear to ear. William's face lost all expression as he stared at her. His eyes, however, took on a fervor that indicated he was giving everything he had not to blow up at us.

Someone once asked me how you knew when you went too far with someone as sweet and level-headed as Jane. The answer was simple: when she made you feel two feet tall. Jane was obviously in no mood to tolerate someone questioning her, no matter how valid the questions might be.

It suddenly struck me as funny that he was so worried about me drowning, but not so worried about me drunk in the parking lot of a crowded bar that we had to leave quickly due to a fight arising from sexual aggression. How did that make sense?

“I am going to go put on some music,” I announced. Maybe it would lighten the mood. My mood.

Chapter Thirteen

I got up to go to the juke box and saw that William got up with me. It would have been a little much to tell him to sit back down in front of all these people, but I was tempted.

The juke box had a giant collection of country songs, but not much in the way of hip hop. I started looking for some fun classics that might get the girls in an upbeat mood.

William leaned in beside me.

“Can I have a word?” He asked.

He better not start lecturing me on swimming!

I gave no outward response. He took that as a ‘yes’ for some reason.

“I cannot give you words for how sorry I am about last night. Jessica, I...I won’t bother giving you excuses. The fact is, it was inexcusable. Not having you with me last night was more punishment than I think you realize. But I also know it wasn’t enough in your eyes. Please. I don’t know what to do, or say, that will redeem myself. I don’t know...Please.”

Must stay strong. Must stay strong.

“William.” My voice was somehow flat despite the chaos of my thoughts. I turned to face him. He looked haggard. His face was fraught with worry and his body language was anything but the proud and confident man he showed to the world. “Look. You always say how much I mean to you. What a great fear of yours it was that I might leave. You get mad at me for not being 100% confident that you won’t tire of me, and you are beside yourself angry when I do something that you think puts me in harm’s way. All this you drill into me.

“You make yourself seem better than human. Like the perfect God I often think of you as. You hold yourself, and me, to this high regard, to these impossible rules. Then you do something that an ape wouldn’t do. That a dog wouldn’t do. You forget me. You leave without me in the parking lot of a club filled with chaos. Leave your date. Your
girlfriend
. What you call your heart, behind. In a damn parking lot, drunk, after a big fight! You take off with my friends, and leave me behind.”

I didn’t realize I had started crying. “How can I forgive that?” I also didn’t realize I would utter those words, and once I did they sounded stronger than I intended, but exactly as I had been thinking. I couldn’t imagine myself without William. Not for a second. But I realized in that moment that it was no bluff. If I was not important enough to be remembered, then that was not a healthy situation for me.

Why did I pick
now
of all times to grow up?!

He looked at me like his world flipped upside down. He was expecting hurt feelings, me to torture him, but eventually he banked on me giving in. I realized this was exactly what Gladis had been getting at. In future he would always weight how much crap he would have to go through to make up for something he did wrong. If it was worth it to grovel for a few days, he wouldn’t blink about doing something he knew I wouldn’t like. It would get further and further, he would push harder and harder, until eventually it would get unbearable. I had been there many times, never realizing until now that this was how it started. This was the beginning.

Not all battles would be fought, and most things I would just let go, but he had to know that I would walk away if it got too bad. That I
could
walk away. He had to know it in the beginning when it would affect his decisions to come, instead of at the end, when it was too late.

I also knew he would test me the same way, eventually. It was an equal partnership, and both parties had to know it. We weren’t in the 50’s anymore. Thank you kindly, Gladis. You were right, and I owe you one.

If this worked out.

William was was staring at me with glossy eyes. What was there to say?

I turned back to the juke box and finished my selections. William stood there for a second, mute, before walking away. He headed toward the bar.

A bucket of cold water fell over me as I realized I might have just ended our relationship. I might have just cut off the one person that made me happiest. The ending to my fairytale. My prince. My Apollo.

I moved to run to him, but Lump and Claire stepped up to either side of me. They leaned toward the juke box as if helping me with songs.

“If he doesn’t come back, it wasn’t meant to be,” Lump said quietly. “He’s got to want to come back.”

“Yeah, you gotta let him go, Jess,” Claire affirmed. “Let him think on it. If he feels that strongly, he’ll find a way. He’ll regain your trust.”

“But...he has my trust.” I was sobbing quietly. I felt Jane’s hand on my back.

“Lump, go over and piss Adam off,” Jane whispered. “He wants to come over to Jessica. Find a way to send him to Willie instead. Or just sit and fight with him. Flem is trying but flirting isn’t working and she doesn’t piss him off like you do.”

Lump nodded and was gone. Jane stepped in beside me to take Lump’s place.

“Shhhhhh, now. Shhhhhhh,” She coo'd as she picked a country song. “Jess, you know he loves you. But you did the right thing. You have to stick up for yourself. You have to be treated how you need to be treated. With all you’ve been through in this town, you are really only staying for him. If you can’t count on him, then it just isn’t in the cards for you two.”

Why does everything that has to do with love end up explained in one cliché or another? It seemed that everyone across time had the same feelings to various degrees, and rather than trying to explain them anymore, we just regurgitate the same old dumb sayings and explanations. Yet, they still fit. And everyone understands you when you say them.

But love still mystifies and daunts us. We think we need it, but it has the ability to make us miserable. We put cultural constraints around it, like you can only be with one person, or you marry one person and you are stuck with them for life, but it all seems to be aimed at taming the wild beast that is love, when love obviously can’t be tamed. Like a bull, it can be ridden for a while. Maybe a long while. But that bastard just throws you and bucks you then tramples the shit out of you if you fall off. And my God, I was being trampled by William’s giant bulls right now.

I was also using bulls in an analogy. What had this state
done
to me?

I calmed my wracking sobs. Lump walked up behind us and said, “Nothing to it. That guy has the most obvious buttons in the world. A push here, a jab there, a little tickle for effect and
voila
, you have a giant, angry cowboy on your hands. I thought he might punch me back there.” I could hear her glowing behind me. Those two were worse than brother and sister. Ten times more volatile.

“Jess,” Lump said more seriously. “Do you want to leave?”

“I think I just want to get drunk. Really, really drunk.”

“We can do that in a flash,” Claire said. “But do ye want to do it here, or somewhere’s else?”

I was not capable of making the decision to leave William. I also didn’t want to escalate the situation. Plus, I didn’t know where else to go.

I decided that if he didn’t want to be around me, he could leave. Fresh tears came to my eyes.

“I am going to go to the bathroom,” I stated. “I want to go alone.”

I straightened up and headed to the restroom. I purposely didn’t look in William’s direction, but I could tell the eyes on my back were his. Don’t ask me how, but I could just tell.

In the bathroom I got to work washing the smeared make-up off my face. My eyes were red and puffy, but it would go down soon. My complexion didn’t show crying stains for too long. I was lucky in that way.

Claire walked in with my purse and hers. “Tought you might want some make-up. You look a mess.” She smiled and put her arm around me.

I nodded and smiled. Only these girls knew that the best thing for me wasn’t what I said. Alone really meant: “Please come with me, but I am too proud to ask.”

We talked about nothing for a few minutes to pass the time. When my face looked decent I headed back out to the bar. Lump was arguing with Adam, and both looked like they wanted to hit the other. Adam would never raise his fist to a woman, but if he wasn’t such a gentleman I had no doubt he would try and flatten her.

Lump also kept it a rule not to hit a man unless in self-defense. If she did, she always readied herself to be hit back. No matter the self-control of a man, she said, sometimes they just snapped with physical violence. Plus, it wasn’t fair to hit someone that shouldn’t hit you back.

It made sense, but I still doled out Charlie Horses like candy canes at Christmas.

With these two, though, if there weren’t social rules going on here, they would be at each other’s throats. Literally. With their bare hands to prolong the joy of sucking the life out of the other person.

We headed to the bar and met up with Flem. She had shots and beers ordered.

“Jessica,” she said seriously when we sat on bar stools next to her, “listen. I came up to order these and Little Willie asked that I please put it on his tab. I couldn’t say no to the guy. He was nearly pouting for cripes sake!”

I just nodded mutely, willing my tears to go back into the ducts.

“LUMP!” I yelled.

Lump’s head snapped toward us. She turned back to Adam, gave a fierce “Don’t defy me” look, and came in our direction. Adam watched with murder on his face, hands clenched in anger. I met eyes with him and knew that he wanted to talk to me. He probably wanted to plead William’s case. Either that, or he wanted to apologize himself for leaving me. Whatever it was, he needed to get his own girl to look after, I didn’t want any more man-drama.

I turned back to my shot. The girls joined and down the concoction went. Followed by a gag. We all upended our bottles and drank down half our beers. I gagged again. Time for a quick hangover cure, as Claire would call it, and on to drunk in zero seconds flat. Hopefully then the gagging would stop.

I really just wanted to go home and die.

“Lump, can you leave it alone with Adam tonight?” I pleaded. "I like Adam."

She clenched her jaw and flicked her blond hair. “I will leave him
alone,
as you say, because you asked. But that ass...Adam had the audacity to come up to me and apologize for offending me last night.”

“What is wrong with that?” Flem asked.

“What is
wrong—
he didn’t
offend
me. Nothing that horse’s ass could say would
offend
me. I didn’t give one lick about what he said to me. I told him he shouldn’t have pushed me away like a barfly that couldn’t handle herself.
Then
, get this. He says that it was obvious I was in over my head. That it was a
man’s
job for protection.”

Oh shit
.

“I kindly asked where he was, the
man,
after all…where he was when Candace got her shirt pulled down." Lump barely stopped herself from throwing a fierce look in Adam's direction. "When they were trying to get up on her like humping dogs? Who stepped in and
protected
her? I also kindly asked where the
man
was when you were molested by that skeeze Dusty. Who got you out of
that
mess?”