“I’m only looking out for you.” She put a hand on my arm, and I threw it off.
“I don’t need you looking out for me. I’m a grown man.”
“Yeah, and he’s not.”
100
I stared at her, but all I could see was genuine concern in her eyes. Fuck. I didn’t need this. I really didn’t need the two most important people in my life at loggerheads.
“Zo, I don’t want to talk about this. Let’s just pretend you never said any of it, okay?”
“Pretend what?” Ollie said, breezing into the room with a tray of tea things.
He froze, obviously taking in our tense body language. “What’s going on?”
For a moment, I thought Zoe was going to say something, and I put as much “don’t you dare” into my expression as I could manage. She obviously remembered that from her younger years and backed down again.
Zoe gave a tight smile. “I’m off now, then. I’ll leave you two together, shall I?
Doesn’t look like I’m needed here.”
“Zoe!” I bellowed after her, but the front door was already slamming.
“What was all that about?” Ollie was the picture of bewildered consternation. “Ben? What’s going on?”
I racked my brains trying to think of a reasonable explanation for Zoe’s behaviour that wouldn’t make Ollie feel bad. I settled for a half truth. “She’s just stressed at the moment,” I said. “Too much going on at work, and she’s probably feeling a bit left out now she’s single but I’ve got you. I mean, she’s had me all to herself all these years. It must be tough on her.”
“She doesn’t like me, does she?”
Ollie’s expression was so forlorn, I just wanted to hug him happy again.
“Believe me, you’d know it if she didn’t like you. She’s not one to mince her words. She’s just…she’s concerned that you’re so much younger than me.
Younger than her, even.”
Ollie turned away to set down the tray on the coffee table, so I couldn’t see his face as he started speaking. The dejected tone of his voice said it all, though.
“Then I can’t win, can I? I’ll always be younger than her. Shit, Ben, I don’t want to come between you and Zoe. I know how important you are to each other.”
I wrapped my arms around him from behind. “You’re important to me too.”
“Yeah, but I’ve only just come along. Zoe’s looked up to you like a father for years and years.”
“But I’m not her dad, and even if I was, she still wouldn’t have the right to choose my boyfriends for me.”
“Boyfriends? You mean you have more than one?” Ollie sounded like he was trying for lighthearted banter, but I felt his body tense. Curious. He must have known there was no way I could be seeing anyone else, so why would that stray remark cause such a strong reaction?
I sought to reassure him. “You’re the only boyfriend I’ve ever had.”
“What, seriously?” Ollie broke my hold and swivelled so he could look me in the eyes. “You’re thirty-three and you’ve never had a boyfriend before?”
I shrugged. “It’s not so strange. I’ve had friends with benefits. I’ve had one-night stands. I just never wanted a relationship with any of them. I didn’t have the time when Zoe was younger; then, once she decided she was independent enough to move out, I went a bit wild for a few years.”
“I can’t imagine you going wild.” Ollie stroked my jaw. “Must have been quite a sight. I wish I’d known you then.”
I gave a grim smile. “Believe me, you don’t. You wouldn’t have liked me. I was in better shape, but I was a right cocky arsehole.”
“Sounds like my ex,” Ollie mumbled.
As I hugged Ollie tight, I pondered the truth in my assertion. For all my regrets at what I’d lost, it appeared I’d gained a huge amount too. I needed to remember that. And although Ollie might be impressionable enough to have admired the confident, toppy persona I used to adopt every time I snorted a line 102
of coke, this was the real me, and this was the person he’d fallen for. I just had to hope it was enough to keep him interested.
The following night, after he’d demolished a couple of cans of lager in front of a
Star Trek
omnibus, Ollie pulled something out of his satchel.
“Thought you might like this for our evening’s entertainment.”
“You brought porn?” Every night since I’d returned from hospital, we’d watched one of my DVDs. I might not have been able to get it up, but we had fun laughing at the cheesy lines and contrived situations, and I made sure Ollie always got off, even if I couldn’t.
“Yeah. My ex used to have it, and I’d sometimes watch it during the day while he was out. Took it with me when I left. Didn’t think he’d miss it.”
That was the most Ollie had told me about his previous relationship to date, but I was too distracted by the cover of the DVD to ask more.
Layin’ Down with
the Law
promised plenty of hot bear/twink action, and the cover showed a young, skinny guy in handcuffs being shafted by a huge, hairy guy in a cop’s hat.
“This one of your favourites, then?” I asked.
Ollie held my gaze and gave me a smile I didn’t know how to interpret. “Oh, yeah, it’s a favourite. Get yourself comfy, and I’ll stick it in.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and leered. The lad clearly couldn’t hold his alcohol.
The film turned out to have a certain charm. I might not be as taken by the burly bear of a cop as Ollie was, but the parade of jailbait criminals needing his particular brand of discipline was appealing. Not nearly as appealing as Ollie, though. I could tell he was excited, watching those boys being bossed around.
When the cop ordered one to put his hands against the wall and spread his legs, Ollie gasped. I could see the bulge of his hard-on and wondered why he wasn’t yet touching himself. Maybe I should try issuing a few orders.
“Open your jeans and get your dick out,” I said, and I didn’t even need to try to make my voice sound gruff.
Ollie’s eyes were black saucers as he fumbled with his fly, and when he’d released his cock, he put both hands back onto the sofa.
Interesting.
“Stroke yourself. Slowly at first. Yeah, that’s it.”
A strange sensation started to grow inside me. Fear, excitement, arousal— what was it? All I knew was my heart was hammering wildly, but my body stayed still and calm. I focused on watching Ollie, trying to work out what he needed from me. A sheen of perspiration formed on his brow as he stared at me, the big bad bear on screen forgotten.
I watched his hand moving slow and deliberate, the flushed head of his cock revealed every time he pulled the foreskin down. He looked thoroughly debauched, sitting there fully clothed with just his dick out, waiting for me to tell him what to do.
I wasn’t about to start calling him a dirty little ho like the cop on the DVD
was with his current victim, and I didn’t want to hurt him physically. I’d had more than enough pain in my life, and I certainly wasn’t about to inflict it on anyone else. Whips, chains and paddles were all out, not that I owned any in the first place. What did that leave me with? Did he want me to tie him up? The thought made me uncomfortable. Ollie’s energetic movement was one of the things that first caught my eye, so the idea of restraining him didn’t appeal.
Then I remembered what I had left. What I could still use even though my dick refused to play along and I barely had the energy to lift a finger.
My voice.
My fantasies.
“One of these days, we’re going to put this film on again, and I’m going to strip you naked and bend you over the end of that sofa. You’ll have to keep your hands on the cushion and spread your legs for me.”
Ollie moaned, and he shifted his legs wider apart as if he was already living it in his head.
I felt encouraged to continue. “I’m going to pull your cheeks apart and tease you with my fingers and tongue. I’m going to work your pretty little hole until you’re begging me to stick my dick in there. Yeah, that’s it, you can speed up now.” It was a redundant command, seeing as how he already had, but he seemed to like getting permission if the way he thrust up into his grip was anything to go by. “Use your other hand to cup your balls. That’s it. Give them a little squeeze and roll them around.”
It was bittersweet, watching Ollie pleasure himself at my command. I wanted to be doing the things I was describing to him. I wanted to sink into him, bury myself in him and pound him hard the way he was clearly craving. I wanted to feel his pulsing heat around me and the ripple of his muscles as he shot his load.
But all I could do for now was give him the imaginary version, so I tried to make it good. “You’re going to feel amazing, all tight and hot and needy. I’m going to screw you so long and hard you’ll be feeling me for days. It’ll be like I’m still inside you, you’ll be that well fucked.”
Ollie’s head thrashed around on the sofa cushion. His eyes were screwed shut, his mouth open, and he looked so beautiful I started choking up.
“I’m not going to let you come until you’re so ready for it you’re shaking and your cock is leaking everywhere, and then I’m going to take it in my hands and you’re going to come so hard you’ll feel like your balls have exploded.”
106
Ollie whimpered, and I gathered up enough strength to shift closer to him. I placed my hand on his, amazed to feel how damp he was from all the sweat and precome. He didn’t pause in his frenzied rhythm, so I moved my hand and rested it on his thigh instead.
“Shit, Ben, I’ve got to come.” Ollie really did look desperate, his eyes dark and wild.
I kissed him, tasting sweat sharp and salty on his lips. “Do it,” I rasped.
I’d never heard anything quite like the sound Ollie made when he came. The raw pleasure was wrapped up with something else, something that touched me deep inside and spread warmth out from that place. As he fell, trembling, into my arms, I knew I was in trouble.
If it felt this good being with him, even without an orgasm, how the hell was I ever going to cope without him?
Eventually, Ollie stirred, and I realised the DVD had played itself out at some point while we’d embraced.
“I’d better get going, then…unless you’ve changed your mind?”
He sounded so hopeful, but I wasn’t ready for him to start staying over. I wasn’t ready to let another man sleep beside me. To see me at my most vulnerable.
“My belly’s still sore. I don’t want you accidentally kneeing me in your sleep.”
“I don’t mind kipping on the sofa.”
I shook my head, steeling myself against those wounded puppy-dog eyes.
He leant down to press a kiss to my lips, then stole out quietly. Once Ollie had left, I discovered I didn’t even have the energy to get up out of the sofa. I twisted enough so that I was lying down, pulled the throw down over me, and thanked my lucky stars I wasn’t drinking enough yet to have to go for a piss before bed.
But as I lay there, alone, telling myself it was for the best that I didn’t get too attached, I knew I was a lost cause.
I was already head over heels. And I was scared shitless.
Another week passed as my body slowly knitted itself back together again.
Zoe hadn’t been around as often as she used to, but that was making things easier for everyone. I didn’t need to see her wounded resentment every time she looked at Ollie, and Ollie’s resultant confusion. She was trying, I could tell, but it didn’t change the way she felt deep down.
I sighed. The midafternoon sun slanted through the blinds in my office, and I couldn’t concentrate on the lines of code on my screen.
I needed Ollie. A warm feeling grew inside my belly every time I thought of him. It tingled like my body was about to wake up and shake off all this inertia. I still hadn’t had a proper hard-on since the surgery, but right now, thinking about Ollie’s ready smile and warm brown eyes, my cock definitely swelled a little. I had another two weeks to go before getting the all-clear for sex, and the idea of an orgasm wrenching thorough my tender insides still made me twitchy, but I was interested in seeing how my body reacted to Ollie’s proximity.
Ollie wasn’t in the kitchen, sitting at the table poring over his plans like I’d expected. The living room gave off that silent vibe that empty rooms always do, and I was sure I hadn’t heard him leave. Where the hell was he?
Then I heard the off-key singing from the bathroom. What was he still doing in there? He’d had a quick shower when he got back from his morning’s mission to collect tables and chairs for the café, but I was sure I’d heard him leave the bathroom afterwards. He couldn’t still be showering, could he? His hair might take him an age to spike to his satisfaction, but he wasn’t that high maintenance.
108
Still, the idea of finding him naked and soapy sent a shiver of anticipation through me, and I pushed the door open, my heart pounding against my rib cage.
The scent of artificial lemons hit me like a bucket of cold water. I found Ollie fully clothed on his knees in the shower stall, scrubbing at the tiles with a scouring pad and what looked like an entire bottle of cream cleaner.
“What are you doing? You don’t need to do that!”
Ollie looked up in surprise. “I got hair dye in the grout. It’s okay; I don’t mind cleaning up my own mess.”
“I don’t want you to scrub my bathroom.” I felt my fists clenching and grabbed hold of the edge of the sink to steady myself. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I looked really pissed off. I took a deep breath and tried to control the rising anger.
“Ben? You all right, mate?”
The concern in his voice just riled me up even more. “I’m fine! I don’t need you checking up on me all the time, and I can do my own housework now.” I might be excruciatingly slow and tire myself out after twenty minutes, but I was proud of the fact I’d started pulling my own weight again. “I cleaned the oven this morning.”
Ollie frowned and got up to his feet. “Yeah, I know you can look after yourself. It just seemed rude to leave your shower looking like someone had slaughtered an animal in there, and the dye’s a bugger to get shifted if you don’t clean it straight away.”
“Ollie, I want a boyfriend. An equal. I don’t want a fucking houseboy twink, okay?”