Guilty Pleasures: A Collection (13 page)

She knew she couldn’t avoid the inevitable discussion forever, or pretend as though last night had never happened, and she didn’t intend to do either. She’d made a clear and conscious choice to make love with Shane, and she took full responsibility for that decision and her actions, no matter what the eventual outcome.

She jumped in the shower and changed for the day, then drove over to her mother’s place to watch the New Year’s Day Rose Parade with her—an annual tradition that Alyssa had started years ago as a way of instigating some quality time between them, because if she didn’t make the effort, it most likely wouldn’t happen.

Twenty minutes later, she walked into her mother’s house carrying a box of muffins for breakfast, and headed toward the kitchen where she could hear her mother going through the cupboards. She turned around when Alyssa entered the room and set the two coffee cups on the counter by the percolating coffee pot.

Alyssa came up to her mother and kissed her on the cheek. Even in her mid-fifties, Beth Harte was still a beautiful woman, and Alyssa thought it such a shame that she’d never remarried. “Hey, Mom. Happy New Year.”

“Same to you, dear.” Her mother smiled, poured them each a cup of coffee, and added cream and sugar to the mix. “It’s always nice to see you, but you know you really don’t have to spend the day with me today.”

Alyssa set the box of muffins on the counter and rolled her eyes. “What if I
want
to?”

Her mother shrugged. “I’d just think you’d have better things to do than to babysit me on New Year’s Day.”

“I’ve never thought of my visits as babysitting you.” Alyssa grabbed two small plates and put one of the blue-berry streusel muffins on each dish. “Do you ever think that maybe I want to spend time with you?”

The look her mother slanted Alyssa’s way was filled with a hint of warmth. “Well, I do appreciate it, you know.”

No, Alyssa
hadn’t
known, and she felt her spirits lift at the thought that her visits might make even a tiny bit of a difference to her mother.

They took their early morning breakfast out to the living room and sat down on the couch next to one another. They watched the Rose Parade while eating their muffins and drinking their coffee, and commented on all the beautiful and unique floats on display that year. As always, their conversation was light and superficial—more like acquaintances than mother and daughter.

Alyssa sighed inwardly and glanced around the living room, and was reminded of the solitary life her mother had led since her father’s death so many years ago. Her mother still lived in the same house her parents’ had bought after they’d married, the same house in which her mother had raised Alyssa on her own, and not much had changed in way of updating the place.

The furniture had remained unchanged, as did the old pictures of her father, and even herself, hanging on the wall. It was as if time had stopped for her mother the day her husband had died. Like always, the sheers across the windows were drawn, as if her mother was trying to preserve all the old memories, and feared if she opened the drapes that they’d all disappear once the room was exposed to bright, cheerful sunlight.

Her mother was so wrapped up in the past that she couldn’t see the present, and it struck Alyssa in that moment that she wanted, and needed, to let the past, and her own hang ups and insecurities, go. Because if she didn’t, she was going to end up just like her mother—all alone, detached from friends, and allowing pain and fears to rule her life.

Coming off such a momentous night with Shane, the revelation was huge, and she tried to absorb the stunning realization. Now, Alyssa was at the point where she needed answers to questions she’d never had the courage to ask her mother before today. Alyssa hoped whatever explanations her mother had to offer would give her a better insight into her own personal insecurities and fears.

She glanced from the parade on TV, to her mother, who seemed to be enjoying the New Year’s Day festivities. “Mom, why haven’t you dated anyone seriously since dad died?”

Her mother looked momentarily surprised by the question, and grew quiet for so long that Alyssa didn’t think she was going to give her an answer.

Then, a bleak sadness filled her mother’s eyes. “Because for me, I met and married my one true love. And when he died, I never fully recovered from that loss.”

Having witnessed her mother’s devastation first hand had made Alyssa consciously avoid experiencing that kind of pain for herself. But as a result, her life was empty, when she wished it was much, much fuller.

Still, Alyssa was curious about a few more things. “Do you ever wish you’d never gone through something that brought you such heartache, like Dad’s death, and as a result you couldn’t bring yourself to love like that again?”

A wistful smile softened her mother’s features. “I have no regrets about loving your father the way I did. The way I still do. That kind of love, even if found only once, was worth everything we shared together. Even if only for a short time.”

The last thing Alyssa wanted was regrets in her life. And she knew with everything that made her the woman she was that if she didn’t take a chance on Shane, on them, she’d regret it for the rest of her life.

“I know you worry about me and that I’m always alone,” her mother went on, “but I’m okay with the way my life is.”

If her mother didn’t mind her solitary life, why should Alyssa worry or try to change it? She finally understood that her mother had chosen that life for herself, by not allowing anyone to get too close emotionally—including her own daughter.

Her mother was perfectly content being alone. And Alyssa was not. It was that difference that set them apart—but only if Alyssa took the steps to break the destructive pattern that had ruled her life for too long.

“I know I haven’t been the best mother,” Beth said, cutting into Alyssa’s thoughts, “but I’ve always wanted you to be happy. And I do want you to fall in love, because it’s the most precious gift between a man and a woman. And when it’s right, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the whole entire world.”

This was what she’d always wanted from her mother—her affection, her advice, her caring. She’d never doubted her mother’s love, but now she
felt
it—though she didn’t fool herself into believing this openness and sharing would continue into the future.

Because the moment felt right, because their conversation had evolved into something more emotional than Alyssa had ever expected, she told her mother the truth. “I
am
in love.”

“Oh?” Her mother studied her a moment. “With who?”

Alyssa felt a tell-tale heat sweep across her cheeks. She thought about the sweet guy who’d pretended to be her secret admirer, and the man who’d transformed his image to be what he believed she wanted in a mate. None of his tactics had been necessary, but they’d definitely caught her attention.

“It’s Shane.”

A small smile lifted the corner of her mother’s mouth, though she didn’t appear to be all that surprised by her admission. “Does he know?”

She shook her head. “No. Not yet.”

“You know what I think?” her mother asked gently.

“What?” Alyssa whispered.

“I think you need to follow your heart, trust your instincts, and go tell Shane how you feel about him.”

For someone who’d closed her heart off to a second chance at love long ago, Alyssa had to admit that her mother was a smart woman when it came to matters of the heart.

Alyssa grinned. “I think you’re absolutely right.”

#

Praying she hadn’t completely and totally blown her chance with Shane, Alyssa knocked on his front door, hoping he didn’t resent her for sneaking out on him this morning, instead of having the nerve to face him in the morning light like she should have.

He opened the door, and she caught the surprise that flashed across his expression before it was quickly masked behind an air of cool indifference. He stood there, only half-dressed, and she had to admit that as good as Shane had looked last night in his expensive clothes for the party, he looked even better just wearing a pair of his old faded jeans, with no shirt, and his hair still mussed from their night together.

“Hey,” he said in the way of a casual greeting that gave her no real clue as to how he was truly feeling. “Aren’t you supposed to be at your mom’s watching the Rose Parade?”

She shifted anxiously on her feet. “I was already there, but you and I have unfinished business to take care of.”

“Okay,” he said, and opened the door wider for her to enter his house. “Come on in.”

She brushed past him, and she could tell he was being cautious with her, not knowing what to expect. Well, they were on even footing then, because she was feeling the same way about him.

He sprawled himself on the far end of the couch and rested his arms along the top of the sofa. She, on the other hand, paced across the room from him, trying to shake off the excess energy buzzing through her, trying to calm the rapid beating of her heart and the insecurities doing their damndest to overwhelm her.

“So, what’s up?” he asked in an even, unreadable tone.

She found it ironic that
he
was pretending like last night never happened. She would have laughed if she hadn’t been so nervous about how this conversation would end.

“There’s a few things I need to say to you.”

“Alright.” His gaze was direct. “I’m listening.”

He wasn’t going to make any of this easy on her, not that she blamed him. She had some explaining to do, and some apologizing, too. He deserved both if not more.

“You are the most stable, dependable person I’ve ever had in my life,” she said, needing him to know exactly what he meant to her. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t ever want to lose you.”

Shane listened to Alyssa’s speech. When she’d shown up at his door he’d been cautiously hopeful but now he recognized yet another spiel about friendship that didn’t bode well for him. He didn’t care for the path their conversation was about to take, and if she dared to tell him that last night was a
mistake
, he was fully prepared to drag her down to the couch and prove to her just how good a mistake could feel.

“When I went to my mother’s this morning, I realized a few things,” she said, and continued to pace the length of carpet in front of the TV. “I saw the way she’d lived her life since my father’s death, and I knew I didn’t want to grow old by myself, never having experienced a close, intimate, loving relationship, even if it meant getting hurt along the way. It was my mother’s decision to spend her life alone, and I don’t want it to be my choice anymore.”

For that statement alone, Shane was very proud of her. She was standing up for herself, being the strong, gutsy woman he’d always known she could be. “So, what do you want, Alyssa?”

The smile of longing that appeared on her face made him feel sucker punched in the stomach. “I want a husband. I want babies. I want the kind of family I grew up without.”

And still, no mention of him in that picture she was painting. “And what about your New Year’s resolution?” he asked, needing to know where she was going from here—and where that left him in the scheme of her plans.

“Oh, I plan to stick to it,” she said with a self-assured sway to her hips as she approached where he was sitting on the couch. She knelt in front of him, placed her hands on his widespread knees, and meet his gaze. “I’m still determined to put myself out there in an intimate and emotional way. With you, Shane. My best friend. My companion. And now, my lover.”

He opened his mouth to reply, and she cut him off by placing her fingers over his lips.

“I thought of you being my secret admirer, which I’ll admit was exciting at first,” she said, and touched her fingertips to his jaw in a reverent caress. “I thought of you making so many changes for me. Your clothes. Your hair. And you know what? Though I’m grateful you care enough to go to such great lengths to prove your feelings for me,
none
of that matters to me. The only thing I care about is that you’re the man who knows my heart, my soul, my secrets, and you love me, exactly the way I am. With all my quirks and hang ups and insecurities.”

He gently grasped her wrist, pulled her hand away from his mouth, and settled her palm right over his beating heart. “Yeah, I do.”

“You are everything I could ever want or need in my life,” she said, a husky catch to her voice. “I think I’ve always known that, but I was too afraid to take a chance on you. On us.”

“And now?”

She looked up at him with huge blue eyes filled with a wealth of emotion. “I need to know if you’re willing to take a chance on me, because I’m the one with most of the hang-ups in this relationship.”

He laughed at that. “I took a chance on you long ago, Alyssa, hang-ups and all. I’m not about to change my mind about you now.” He slid his hands beneath her arms so he could pull her up and into his lap, and she came willingly, settling herself on his thighs and wrapping her arms around his neck. “And when you’re ready, I’m going to marry you.”

She bit her quivering bottom lip, her eyes shining with moisture. “I love you, Shane Witmer,” she whispered.

“I know,” he said confidently.

“You do?” She arched a delicate brow. “How?”

It was time for him to ‘fess up. “I heard what you said this morning before you left my place, when you thought I was sleeping. About loving me, and how much it hurt.” He stroked a hand over her hip and down the side of her thigh, wishing he was caressing her bare flesh instead of soft denim. “Love shouldn’t hurt, Alyssa. And I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that when you think of love, you think of all the good times we’ve shared, the laughter, and
this
.”

He claimed her mouth with his, slow and deep, pouring every ounce of emotion he felt for her into the kiss, until she slumped weakly against his chest. He lifted his head and found Alyssa smiling dreamily at him.

“Oh, I definitely like that part,” she murmured.

Oh, yeah, the New Year was full of possibilities. Full of promises for the two of them.