Guardians (Seers Trilogy) (47 page)

My nose brushed against her cheek as I kissed her nearest temple. When she didn’t respond I flinched into her shoulder, letting the torture rip through me in full.

“I’m sorry,” I gasped. “I’m sorry, Kate. I’m so, so sorry.”

My breathing hitched and broke. I silently cried out for my father, images of the man who’d raised me and that of deity blurring together. I would plead with anyone who would listen. I begged for death to take me.

But my heart continued to break, despite my countless petitions—with no indication that it would ever stop.

I
was alone, drowning
in unspeakable loss. No one was there to help me. The only one with the power to save me—to offer me direction—was gone.

I don’t know how long I sobbed beside her, my face buried in the curve of her neck. It could have been minutes or years. Everything was quiet outside, though I was sure the others were taking care of the bodies. As Sean had promised, no one bothered me. I knew this moment of solitude wouldn’t last, though. I couldn’t stay here with her forever. They would want to take her away from me. But for the life of me, I couldn’t make myself let go.

I was no longer crying. My body was too weak to keep up with the torrent of emotions raging within me. All my tears were spent. I’d stopped praying too, since it wasn’t doing any good. Or maybe that was why I felt this deadened calm? Some merciful Being had decided to offer me a partial escape from my suffering? If only it could have been total.

I heard the door ease open.

“Patrick?” Toni said, voice cautious.

My back was to the door, and I didn’t bother to turn. The only acknowledgement he received was my body’s sudden tensing. My curled grip around Kate’s body intensified, my eyes pinched shut against a fresh wave of tears I didn’t think I still had in me. They couldn’t take her. Not yet. They’d want to bury her in the ground, and I’d never see her again.

“Patrick, we’ve dumped all the Demons. We’re going to take the other bodies to the morgue. I’ve got a bag, and . . .”

“Get out.” My tone was so parched, so dead, there was no inflection or power. Only sheer pain.

There was a short silence. Then the door latched closed, and the silence stretched.

Several minutes later the door opened again. I felt a slight depression as someone sat behind me, near my back. Lying on my side, I didn’t even have the strength to raise my head and look over my shoulder to see who it was.

“Please go away,” I mumbled stubbornly.
Why couldn’t they just leave me alone? Hadn’t Sean promised to keep them away?
Couldn’t he do that for a little longer?

A small hand was laid delicately on my arm. It was so thin, it could have only belonged to a woman. I closed my eyes and exhaled sharply.

Lee’s voice was soothing, understanding. “I know. But you can’t keep her here forever, Patrick.”

Her words were terribly true.

My mind rebelled against them anyway. “Leave me alone.”

Tears colored her words now. “Look, you’re not the only one . . . struggling, right now.”

“Out, Lee.” She had
no
idea how much I was struggling.

Lee sniffed loudly, rubbed my arm briefly, but she eventually left.

My mind may have been blank, but I knew Lee hadn’t been gone even two minutes before there was a knuckled tap on the door.

“Go away,” I fairly whined, not caring who heard me.

The door opened anyway. Sean’s voice was deep, even. “Patrick, it’s time. We need to get her body taken care of.”

My grip only strengthened. I knew he was right, but my arms wouldn’t—couldn’t—let them take her from me.

A large hand was pressed against my raised shoulder. “Patrick? Come on. Let go. Let me help you.”

“Please,” I begged, wincing against her stiff neck. “Please, just leave me alone.”

He made the mistake of grabbing my elbow, perhaps thinking he could physically force me to release her. I lashed out unthinkingly. My right arm was still wrapped beneath her, trapped, but my left arm swung wide in what would be a ringing backhanded slap across his face. Would have been, if Sean hadn’t effortlessly caught my wrist. “Patrick,” he said gruffly. “Look at me.”

I did, my eyes leaking steady tears. I knew he could see the raw emotions that distorted my face, see the overall feeling of hopeless grief and loss that had my whole form trembling.

He pursed his lips. “It’s time, Patrick. Her family is going to be getting the call soon. You can’t keep them away from her. Let Kate get cleaned up before they have to see her. Her grandma shouldn’t have to see her like this.”

I knew he was right. They’d
all
been right.

My broken words were weak. “I don’t . . . I don’t think I can . . .”

“Let me help you,” he repeated. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

As if on cue the others trailed into the room. Toni and Jack came around the other side of the bed, Toni fingering a folded black body bag. They stood, waiting for the word.

Lee was standing at Sean’s elbow, her face red and puffy. She focused solely on me, as if she couldn’t bear to look at Kate. Sean was watching me too, waiting. I closed my stinging eyes, the closest I could get to producing a sign of permission.

They all understood. Sean released my wrist even as Jack bent over the bed, reaching for Kate. Toni was rolling the long bag out across the foot of the bed, peeling back the open sides.

I didn’t try to fight them, but I didn’t pull away from Kate as Jack and Toni proceeded to compassionately peel her away from my side, her body still wrapped in the sheet. They slid her slowly off my arm, my fingertips brushing her waist one last time. And then my heavy arms were empty.

Sean gripped my shoulder. “Come on. Don’t torture yourself. Let’s go.”

I shook my head and curled into the fetal position, pinching my eyes closed to block out the awful images. I deserved to feel all the guilt, all the pain. And though I couldn’t see what was happening, the sounds described everything in horrific detail. Plastic wrinkled as it was pressed down by deadweight, crinkled loudly as it was tugged over her inert form. The long pull of a raspy zipper, sealing her inside. Lee’s small hand rubbed my back as the bag was slid off the bed, taken into their arms.

Toni and Jack shuffled out and Sean spoke softly behind me. “What can I do? Do you need to be alone? Can I get you anything?”

I crushed my closed eyes with the heels of my hands. “No,” I fairly gasped. My heart was pounding erratically, my gut clenching painfully. I was rapidly slipping into a panic. “I need to be with her.”

Sean seemed to debate his answer, not knowing what would really be best for me.

Lee broke into the aggravated pause, eager to agree. “Okay. We can follow them to the morgue. But you need to change your clothes. The twins would have a heart attack at the sight of you. Not to mention what any other humans would do . . .”

Was I ready to face her family? I doubted it. But I couldn’t stay here. I needed to be near Kate. So I forced my muscles to obey, willed my body to shift into a sitting position. Lee offered me a fractured smile. “I’ll find a car we can use.”

“We can take mine,” Sean supplied.

“All right.” Lee hesitated, as if she had more she wanted to say to me. Another look at my gaunt face had her second-guessing her intentions. “I’ll wait for you in the other room,” she said dimly, retreating gently.

I tried to ignore the blood on the bed, but as I swung my legs over the side, I couldn’t ignore the blood caking my already crisp shirt. It was partially dried, so it cracked sickeningly as I moved. The fact that it was mostly mine didn’t keep my stomach from lurching. My eyes flashed to my rickety dresser and Sean was moving a half second later. He pulled open a middle drawer and plucked out a black T-shirt, offering it up quickly for my inspection. I gave a slack nod and he carried it over, not bothering to shut the drawer. I noticed he’d replaced his bloodied shirt with one of Toni’s, a basic white T.

My rigid fingers were shaking as I fumbled with the small buttons. Sean laid the shirt beside me and blew out his breath. “I’m sorry, Patrick.”

I cringed as I stripped the stained shirt off my body. I tried to answer him—knew he deserved an answer—but my mouth wouldn’t work. My jaw was clenched too tightly, my throat too constricted for speech.

Blood had seeped through, so my pale chest was stained with dark pink. Sean immediately offered to find a rag, slipping out of the room and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Bad idea.

My elbows dug into my quaking knees, the heels of my hands planted firmly against my temples, fingertips clutching my tangled hair.

Her grandmother was going to blame me—hate me. Jenna and Josie—they’d never forgive me. I suppose their reactions shouldn’t have had such power to curdle my insides. After all, they weren’t going to accuse me of anything I wasn’t already blaming myself for. I tried to force myself to think about what tomorrow would bring, but it was hard to imagine. And then the funeral . . .

What was I going to do without her?

My mind was scrambling for answers, for any hint of reason. I would never be able to work as a Guardian again. I was confident of that. No one would be able to depend on me. At least not for the next few hundred years. I wouldn’t be in any position to be anything for anyone. Sean hadn’t been able to count on me when he needed me to help save his life. I’d just sat there, helpless, useless. My shaking body had betrayed me and rendered me completely unreliable.

I’d need to leave here. Leave everyone behind. Toni and Lee, especially. I couldn’t see them every day, an incessant reminder of what I’d had, what I’d lost. I’d ask Terence for money. Just enough to get me a plane ticket, to anywhere. I’d find a place to mourn, somewhere isolated, where I wouldn’t be disturbed.

Sean. Could I leave Sean? I honestly didn’t know. I had no desire for company, but he and I had so much to reconcile . . .

As my brother returned with a wet cloth and towel I made my decision. I’d need a few weeks alone at least. Then maybe I would be in a better state of mind and could handle his presence in my empty life.

Once I was relatively clean and wearing the fresh shirt, Sean led the way wordlessly into the front room. Lee was perched on the edge of the sofa, head resting in her hands. She glanced up when we entered. She cleared her throat. “I’m going to take Kate’s car and drive over to her house. I’d rather tell her family in person. They should be getting there in the next half hour or so.”

I simply nodded. Sean was moving toward the bathroom sink, bloody rag in hand. I forced myself to speak. “I’m going to head down. I need to keep moving.”

“Of course,” Sean said. “I’ll be right behind you.”

I shuffled out quickly, certain if I lingered that Lee would tell me how sorry she was or tell me that everything would be all right.

Nothing would ever be right again.

As I closed the door, I could hear Lee’s muted voice and the indistinct rumble of Sean’s answer. Knowing they were probably talking about me made me only more determined to get out of here. As I moved down the wide staircase, I made myself a promise. I was never going to step foot inside this building again. The place where she’d died . . . I’d never be able to stomach it. Someone had pulled the trigger, chosen to take her life up there. And I’d been miles away, completely oblivious. She’d walked up this very staircase, not knowing she’d never walk back down.

I couldn’t get out of here fast enough. I lurched into a staggering run, desperate to taste fresh air.

I pushed outside, the heat slicing across my sensitive eyes. I squinted and moved straight for the SUV, parked exactly where Sean had left it.

I jerked open the passenger door and thrust myself inside. Closing the door, I was grateful that the windows were up. Suffocating heat felt good. It tightened my skin, and the overwhelming smothering effect made me feel like I might actually be dying. It was wonderfully therapeutic.

I gasped against my will, choked back a fresh wave of tears, and then decided fighting didn’t matter. No one was here to witness my grief. For this moment, I was free to express it completely. I screamed abruptly. Howled into the empty car as loudly as I could. Ears ringing, I pounded the door with my fist, slammed my right foot into the dash in front of me, desperate to express this anguish.

The glove box fell open and my strangled yell died. A vial of clear liquid and a packaged needle were laid out in front of me, begging to be picked up.

I knew it was the virus. What else would it be? It was inside a Demon’s car.

A sick surge of hope tingled through my body. Sweat gathered on my forehead, above my lip.

If it was the right strain—a new strain my body didn’t recognize—I could be dead in a week, at most two. I didn’t have to live forever without her. I could take the virus. Inject myself. Oblivion could be mine.

I was shocked by the intensity of my desire. I’d never considered myself to be suicidal. Besides, Kate wouldn’t approve. She’d be disappointed . . . But I’d already failed her in so many ways. Could one more failure really mean anything?

She’d want me to keep going. Keep living. Keep sacrificing . . . What more could I give? I’d been sacrificing for so long—for the past two hundred years I’d been sacrificing. I’d given everything: I’d died for my father, given up heaven for Sean, killed Demons for humans and Seers I could barely recall, and left Kate when all I wanted to do was stay. Would it be so wrong to be selfish, just this once? To finally take the easy path?

No one would have to know. Sean was the only one who knew it existed. If I could keep it from him, I could fool everyone. I could be halfway around the world before any of the telling signs of death appeared. They wouldn’t know.

Someone would eventually find my body. Sean or Toni. I knew they’d come looking eventually. But by then I’d be free. By then, I’d be dead.

I glanced out the window, wetting my lips. No sign of Sean. I needed to do it now, before I lost my window of opportunity. I’d be well enough for her funeral. I could pay my last respects, be sure Toni at least would stay to keep an eye on the twins. And maybe Sean could, as well. He could become their guardian angel and find his redemption. And I could find my peace—the only relief open to me—death. Redemption couldn’t be mine, not after failing her. Not after killing the Demon Lord with such relish. Not after giving into such selfishness.