I woke up one morning and stretched luxuriously. I took up the whole bed with it, and then suddenly realized that I didn’t hit Grace’s small, warm body in my cat-like yawn. She was gone. Quick as a flash I was out of bed, sprinting down the short hallway to our living room.
I stopped short when I saw Colton and Grace sitting at the kitchen table, devouring pancakes while my mom stood at the stove, spatula in hand. I closed my eyes and counted to ten before opening them once more.
It was real. Mom was good today. She was
here
, all of her was here. She was in a good mood. I almost sagged against the wall in relief, but I didn’t know how long this mood would last. I needed to go out and enjoy it while it was here.
I stepped around the long bar style counter that separated our kitchen from the dining area and living room. “Mom?” I hated myself for asking it, for phrasing it like a question even though I could see she was here with my own two eyes.
She looked up from the stove, smiling at me. My beautiful mother, a picturesque, older version of Grace, with her porcelain skin, china doll blue eyes, and golden curls. The only difference was that my mom was clearly world weary; it showed in the crows feet wrinkles at the corners of her eyes, the deep creases in her forehead, her poor posture as she hunched a little bit over the stove. But she would always be beautiful to me, a fact I knew as she smiled gently at me and I covered the kitchen in three quick strides to throw my arms around her.
As her arms slid around me, I inhaled deeply, pricking up my ears to hear better, trying to use every sense to commit this scene to memory, because it would undoubtedly have to last me a long time. She smelled clean, like Dove soap, with a little hairspray, and pancakes. The sizzling of the stove filled my ears, and I reveled in her soft touch as she stroked my hair once and then patted my head.
“Watch out, honey, I’ve got to get your pancakes off the stove before they burn!” she chuckled.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” I said, stepping back and fighting tears.
I’ve missed you!
I wanted to scream. But instead I moved to sit down with Colton and Grace, who were wolfing down their breakfast.
It was the wait of a moment before I got my own stack, and I tore into them as well. No one could make pancakes as good as my mom’s, a fact Colton, Grace, and I all agreed on whenever I made us pancakes for breakfast. It was as though there was a secret ingredient only mothers knew that made them taste worlds better.
When we all had our own plates of food and our glasses were topped off with milk, Mom sat down with us, her slim hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee. She asked us all how school was going, listening with patience to Grace’s long winded description of why she liked her teacher, and nodding slowly as Colton recited all of the times tables he had memorized so far.
I kept silent in my chair, sitting in the background, only watching. Colton and Grace needed these memories, this close time with her. I already had my own to cling to. It had only been when my mother had found herself pregnant with Grace, when I was eleven, that things had begun to sour quickly, and my parents had grown bored with the idea of having a family. I had practically raised Grace myself.
“Lyla? It’s almost time to go!”
I was pulled from my heavy thoughts by my mom’s gentle shake. “What? Oh, sorry. Gosh, it is almost time!”
I bolted up from my seat, only just realizing that I had yet to get dressed. In my room I threw on a jumper, simultaneously pulling my hair up into a ponytail. A quick stop at the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and I was ready to go, standing next to the door, backpack in hand as I waited for Colton and Grace, who were tripping down the hallway.
“Have a good day, all of you!” Mom said as she herded us toward the front door. She gave all of us a hug and kiss on the cheek, holding me an extra beat as she whispered into my ear, “I love you, Lyla. I am
so
proud of you.”
I treasured her words as we struck off for school, all grinning together.
Grace was beaming. “I like Mommy like this,” she told me.
“Me too,” I said, pulling Grace closer in a one armed hug as we were walking. I couldn’t bear to think how disappointed she would be when ‘Mom’ disappeared again. “Me too.”
Later the same day, I felt myself at the opposite end of the spectrum, sitting in a small, cramped first-grade chair and explaining to Grace’s teacher, Mrs. Livingston, that my mom couldn’t possibly get off work early enough for a parent-teacher conference. I could either address the concerns, or help her arrange a time to call, at which point I would undoubtedly have to impersonate my mother. She hadn’t remembered to come to the school for this meeting. After a long pause and a hesitant flash in her eyes, Mrs. Livingston withdrew a few papers from a folder and spread them across the table. A moment later, the reason she had decided to continue on with me when most teachers would insist on a parent became clear.
“As you can see, these are all pictures of what Grace calls her ‘family’. But when I asked her who the two people in the picture were, she said they were you, and her brother, Colton. She never seems to draw her parents. I was just wondering if she saw them very often?”
I steadily kept eye contact with Mrs. Livingston, my face impassive. “They work quite a lot,” I told her. “Even on the weekends.”
“Do you all eat dinner together a couple nights a week?” she persisted.
“Of course. Whenever they are able.” I leaned forward slightly, as though I was totally intent on this conversation. “Mrs. Livingston, surely you’ve noticed the economy is not at its best right now. My dad was laid off after Christmas last year; he only found a new job at the end of this summer. I’m sure you can understand that there are responsibilities that need taken care of after so long without a principal income. My mom ran ragged trying to keep up with all of us and the jobs, and Colton and Grace sort of came to be my responsibility.”
It was a collection of half truths. I never lied,
never
, except where Colton and Grace were concerned. My father
had
lost his job, but that had been five years ago. My mother
had
run ragged trying to make ends meet until he found a new one, but I would forever remember that time as when things between my parents had gone sour, and they had never recovered from it as in times past. Mrs. Livingston nervously shuffled all the papers back together, looking anywhere but at me.
“Oh, well, of course, dear, I certainly didn’t mean to pry, or, or violate-”
“It’s all right,” I said, cutting her off with a facilitating smile. “I graduate this year, and can work quite a bit while attending Columbus State, so things should improve a lot then, if we can all just stick out this year, together.”
Mrs. Livingston looked even more flustered. “Well, well of course. My, well, good luck with everything, Lyla.”
“Thank you very much for your understanding,” I said graciously, and stood up carefully from the too-small chair. And then I ran from the classroom. Lying. I absolutely hated lying to people. It was a sin, and I knew that. But what was the alternative? Sometimes they wanted to help, but mostly? They always let you down.
Oh, that’s a nasty black eye, Lyla, I’ll have a talk with your guidance counselor about it, don’t worry.
Colton seems to jump very easily and get nervous at loud noises. I was just wondering if you had any idea why?
and today, the newest,
Grace doesn’t include her parents in family pictures she draws, does she see them much?
Oh yes, all the promises to ‘look into your situation and get back to you with some options’ always ended up with the same result – silence.
And my biggest fear, the reason I didn’t even try anymore and told white lie after white lie? In December I would turn eighteen. I wouldn’t be considered a ward of the state. That meant if Colton and Grace were sucked into the foster care system, I wouldn’t go with them. We would be separated. I might never see them again. And that scared me more than anything,
anything
else in the world. I would die before that happened.
After the meeting with Grace’s teacher, I had to drag Colton and Grace with me to the monthly student council meeting. I slipped in a little late, just catching the end of the introduction by our teacher, Mrs. Talbot. Natalie and Austin, my vice president and treasurer respectively, both leaned over with identical frowns and whispered
Where were you?
’s.
I mouthed a sorry back to them and stood as Mrs. Talbot called on me. I went through the motions of the meeting overview – finances, events, fundraisers, and dances – but my heart wasn’t in it. Luckily, I only introduced the topics, and Natalie and Austin went in depth on them. Our secretary scribbled away as Nat went on and on about the Halloween dance at the end of October, and Austin briefly explained the money needed and how we planned to raise it. Finally, we were released.
Natalie eyed me speculatively as the three of us exited the school, Colton and Grace tripping along behind us.
“What’s the matter, Lyla?” she asked, suddenly seizing my arm. “Something is totally wrong, plus you were late. You’re
never
late.”
“It’s nothing,” I said, gently shaking loose of her. I was always careful to walk with Natalie between Austin and me, since every once in a while I got a tingle of unease down my spine whenever he looked at me. I was positive now that he had absolutely no recollection of what he had done, and it wasn’t wholly his fault, but I didn’t think I would ever be able to completely trust him again.
“Totally not nothing,” Austin insisted now, smiling down at me in his gentle way.
“Really, guys, it’s nothing. I-I got a B-minus on my first big calculus test and I’m a little worried about rebounding, that’s all.” Another half lie. In reality, I had gotten a B+, which still wasn’t my best, but I knew exactly how to distract them.
“I hate calculus,” Austin groaned.
“Don’t worry,” Natalie said cheerfully, “I failed my first test! Want to come over and do some hardcore Halloween dance planning?”
“Sure,” was Austin’s instantaneous reply.
“I can’t,” I said, looking at the ground. “I have plans right now, but I could come over in a few hours.”
Both Natalie and Austin stared at me. I felt as though I had grown a second head or something, and squirmed uncomfortably. “What?” I asked.
“Plans with
who
?” Natalie asked.
I shrugged off her tone, knowing she hadn’t actually meant to insult me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any friends. The three of us were well known throughout the school, thanks to student council, youth group, other clubs, and all the volunteering we did. But my family situation and my reluctance to trust anyone, especially with my secrets, meant that I saw very few of those people outside of school.
I took a deep breath, knowing I would have to tell Natalie and Austin the truth about all my visits with Rafael eventually. It might as well be now. “Remember the homeless-looking guy who kept standing outside church awhile back?”
“He still does, sometimes,” Natalie said promptly. Her mom was the office secretary in the rectory and youth coordinator, so Natalie was usually the first to be up to date on parish goings-on.
“Go on,” Austin urged.
“His name is Rafael,” I whispered quietly, letting them figure it out for themselves.
There was a long moment of silence, then Natalie shrieked, “Are you for
real
?”
We had reached the point where our paths would split, at the parking lot where Natalie and Austin would drive away in their cars, and I would continue walking. I stopped and looked at both my friends, blinking against the bright sun behind them.
“Yes, I am,” I confirmed.
Austin was shaking his head. “Lyla, do you know how
dangerous
that is? You aren’t meeting him all alone, are you?”
“How did this even happen?” Natalie wanted to know.
I looked down at my feet, wishing I had just kept all of this, kept Rafael, as my own deep secret. “Well, he was at the library a couple times when I went with Colton and Grace, and you don’t understand how
lonely
he always seemed, and finally, we got to talking and…” I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about the whole thing. “We hang out from time to time. Always in a very public place,” I assured Austin, who was still looking extremely concerned. They also didn’t need to know
time to time
really meant
every day
. “And he’s not actually homeless,” I added quickly. “But he’s not from around here. He’s just staying here for a while. For his… work.”
There was a very long, drawn out silence, and when I couldn’t stand it any longer, I clapped my hands together, forcing a cheerful smile. “Well. I have to get going or I’m going to be late again! I’ll see you guys later tonight, okay?” I began walking backward away from them, my fake smile still firmly in place. “Colton, Grace, let’s go!”
“Lyla, come on, wait a sec!” Natalie called, sounding exasperated.
“I’ve gotta go!” I called back apologetically, and when Colton and Grace caught up with me, I turned my back to them, walking quickly onward to the park.
It had hit me sometime during the student council meeting that all I wanted to do was see Rafael. No, I
needed
to see him. After the roller coaster of feelings I’d been riding since waking up that morning, I wanted his calming presence and rational thoughts. I didn’t know Rafael’s last name, where he was from, or even how old he was, but I knew he didn’t judge people. He had amazing insight, could look into a problem and see it from everyone’s side, and deep down, I felt his faith ran deeper and much stronger than mine ever had a hope to be, and that was why I trusted him.