“Silver, I know you aren’t trying to hear this right now. I’ve lost people I cared about due to violence too but I’m telling you that this wasn’t your fault. He was involved in some stuff he shouldn’t have been, straight up, with the wrong damn people. Not only that, your guilt about this has probably clouded the reality of the situation. I mean, honestly, shit…do you understand what could have really happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“Look.” He brought her close to him, held her in a secure embrace. “When a mothafucka is after someone to the point that they want to kill them, the
last
thing that person needs to do is go over to the crib of the woman he loves. What if whoever killed him had followed him over here that night, huh? These mothafuckas out here don’t give a shit if they shoot ya mama, ya Paw, ya newborn kid, nobody! I know you know this… a killer don’t give a fuck, especially when he is hell-bent on revenge. You’d just be a casualty of war or turned into an example right with his ass. Soulless people are born every damn day, and they grow up and get grudges and guns.
“You could have gotten killed,
too
! Don’t you see? He was probably panicking and not thinking it through so though you thought he was on some bullshit, you saved your own life more than likely and didn’t even know it. I can’t tell you what to do, how to feel, how to live… but you did the right thing. Nothing about this would’ve turned out right.”
Zenith stunned her with his words, yet, though her brain accepted the revelation she hadn’t even contemplated, her heart refused to let go so easily. The guilt was ingrained, had become a part of her… familiar. It slid right in and made itself comfortable, and she protected the shit from the likes of logic.
“Look, Silver, I understand you loved him, but the world is real fucked up, okay? People sometimes accuse me of being negative and overly pessimistic, but that’s not true. I’m just realistic is all.” He raised his hands and dropped them, sighing. “When you have lowered expectations, life is easier to navigate. Accepting someone’s true colors is easier, too.”
“Unfortunately I agree with you about that.”
“You did yourself a favor. That would have been nothing but trouble. You are here to live another day because you didn’t cave in. You stood your ground. Some bad choices you just can’t come back from.” His voice sounded grave, as if he knew firsthand about unstoppable death. This unnerved her, but drew her a little closer to him, too. “The facts are that there is no way you could have stopped what happened to him,” he reiterated, really trying to convince her, drive it home. She wasn’t completely buying it, but appreciated his timely efforts nevertheless.
She sat there for a moment or two, rolling around the information in her mind, making it soft and gooey, easier to digest. Zenith had a damn point. He had more than a point; he had several. Sure, she’d thought about what he’d stated a time or two, but not quite in the way he put it.
“This isn’t exactly what I was trying to talk about tonight” She shrugged. “But I guess you’re right, it needed to be said.”
“And I guess you have some unclaimed baggage from that relationship, and you said all of this to say that you want to take this slow because he was the last man you really loved, right?”
She paused, then nodded…speechless.
“And you think it’s crazy that you’re talking about this on a first date, because I might be the first guy in a while that you actually liked. When you don’t vibe with someone, it’s easy to not get too deep, but when you’re feelin’ somebody, it’s hard to hide the true you. I like that you went on and told me this, stepped out of your comfort zone.”
She nodded, utterly fascinated by this man. How had he gotten to be so intuitive? To the point she didn’t have to say anything, but he’d understand her anyway.
“I’ve dated a few divorced women, okay? I’ve seen this before but you got some extra shit because the man is dead and I don’t know if it’s been only a few months since he passed or a few years—don’t really matter when you loved someone. But you can’t let go, so that means you can’t let me
in
…and that’s a problem.”
“That’s… that’s not what I said.”
“That’s not what you said, but that’s what you’re saying.”
Yeah, he’s reading me. Reading too damn much.
Quiet reigned for a moment or two.
“I’m not attacking you, okay? I’m not perfect, either. I don’t even know what I really want when it comes to dating anymore.” He let out a long sigh.
“You should have told me that before asking to see the inside of my bedroom.” She smirked, fighting a laugh. He cracked a grin.
“Nah, not like that. What I mean is, I meet women and I’m not sure where it will go, and I don’t always care. I’m thirty years old. I’ve had time to play and party. On one hand, I think I still got some time to keep doin’ me, but… if the right woman comes around before that, what? Do I turn away? Let her go? Who knows?” He shrugged. “I don’t know who that will be, but when I first saw you, something about you… something about you made me pay attention. And when you acted real fucked up, it pissed me off. Normally, I would have shrugged that shit off, but I was mad all night about that. You’d gotten under my skin. It was the way you looked, the way you moved, your voice, your hands… It was everything.
“And now that we’ve talked, getting to know one another, and had such a good time tonight, I think I’d be stupid to not see where this could go. I can’t promise you anything right now. We’re not like that yet—we’re not there. There’s just this initial interest between us, a connection.” His eyes narrowed on her, tense, thoughtful.
“I can’t promise you anything except to be honest with you, and that’s what I’m doing.”
“I can appreciate that.” She looked out the front window and glided the tip of her tongue across her teeth. “No smoke needs to be blown up my ass, Zenith. Never was needed in my case, and never will be.”
“Good, same here. I know you’ve heard all of this before, but something about you
makes
me care this time. It’s not my intention to hurt you, to ’cause you any pain. I’m just a drummer you saw at a club who thinks I may have found someone special.”
She took his hand, and squeezed it.
“I don’t like drama, okay?” he said after a short pause.
“Why are you saying that to me?” Her brow lifted in suspicion. “I don’t, either. I don’t run around with a bunch of silly, immature people.” She released his hand and waved it at nothing in particular. “I don’t get down like that. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought up David and just waited. This was a first date, after all. Just tried to lay my cards on the table…”
“Don’t be mad about it and no, you weren’t wrong to bring it up. You needed to say it and I wanted to hear it. It’s cool. I’m not saying that because of what you told me, okay? I’m just trying to give you more insight about who I am, is all.”
“Okay, I got it.”
“All I’m saying is I don’t like a lot of craziness when I’m dating someone… I hate that; I’m too old for it.”
“This sounds personal.”
“It
is
personal. It’s happened more than once.”
“Okay, you’re going to have to tell me what happened because my business is out there, and you keep hinting around at something… Give me an example.”
“Alright, like I had one chick that fucked around on my phone so much, I ended up being locked out of it for eight days! Apple wasn’t playin’! Neither Apple, nor Orange or Banana could save me.”
Silver burst out laughing, unable to handle the man a second longer.
Too much!
The mood quickly waned though as he went on.
“That was some bullshit! She sittin’ there looking at the television straight ahead, right? Like she ain’t doing shit and I look down at my phone and it says it’s on lockdown ’cause of
her
nosey ass. She tried a bunch of different codes, all wrong, so my phone said, ‘bye bye.’”
Silver was done. Resting her head on the window, she laughed herself nearly to death, wracking her body. It felt good to let go like this on a date, and enjoy the words being shared. It felt so damn good.
“I don’t like waitin’ a long time for sex, either.”
“Don’t start…” She glared at him, ready to grab her purse and write him off as a lost cause.
“Hear me out; you didn’t let me finish. Look, I’m telling you that I feel like if two people want to do it, share that time with one another, then they should. We both want to do it, but I understand your situation. I
do
. You’re smart; we can have a great conversation. That’s important to me. You like good music. You seem to know who you are and what you want in life. I like that. Maybe some of it can rub off on me.”
“How did you become so self-aware? Insightful? I mean, I know you’re not a kid, but you still seem so young to be this mature and intuitive. No offense,” she said, echoing her earlier thoughts.
“None taken. I think when things happen that we think are unfair, it makes some people grow up a bit faster, become a bit harder sometimes. It makes us close off a bit. I think we might have that in common… I don’t know, but it seems like it.”
“We do… we do.”
“Even in our rough start, like at the auto parts store, I can say I liked some of our interaction. Maybe it’s because I feel you challenge me, or maybe it’s because you came around… maybe it’s because aggression is a stress reliever, too, and someone who can keep up with me is a turn on. Who knows? Can’t really explain why; that doesn’t even sound right, but I do.”
“But I’m the crazy one?” She pointed to herself.
“Yeah, you’re the crazy one.” He laughed lightly. “But it’s the kind of crazy I like.”
“Do you, now?” she flirted, giving him bedroom eyes.
“I could show you better than tell you… but I’ll get my chance. Anyway…” Scratching the side of his nose, he looked casually out the window, denying her his sultry gaze, but only for a spell. “I’ve been listening to everything you’ve said. I’ve been paying close attention. And I just want to get to know you better, is all.”
“What can I say? I am interested in you, too.”
“So, if getting to know you and going deeper means you’re not ready to invite me inside, literally…” She chuckled at his innuendo. “Then I’m willing to wait, okay? No more pressure tonight.”
“Okay…good. Thank you for being understanding.”
“Now come here again…”
She leaned in closer, and he placed a sweet kiss against her lips, then pulled away slowly, but his gaze never wavered from her.
“Go on inside and get some sleep.” He opened his door to get out.
“No, you stay right there. I can get it. It’s late; stay in the car.” Grabbing her purse, she opened the car door, letting herself out. “Goodnight, Zenith. Thanks for dinner!” She blew him a kiss. “We’ll talk soon.”
“You’re welcome and of course we will.” He winked at her in his customary way.
Though she couldn’t see him, she could feel his stare linger upon her. His scent covered her, layered over her in a veil of protection, lust, and understanding. She inserted her key in the door and looked over her shoulder. He was still there, watching her, making sure she went in safe. He gave her a slight nod and waved his big hand in her direction. She let herself inside, and a few moments later heard him start his truck and drive away. The rumble seemed to vibrate throughout her body, as if in his own special way, he’d touched her nevertheless. As she stood in her small living room, she battled a state of confusion. She had a hard, rock solid crush on the man, the kind she hadn’t experienced since… well, for quite some time. She made her way down her hallway and into the bathroom.
Quickly undressing, she wiped herself down, wincing at the slick, clear, dime-sized puddle in the middle of her black panties. She washed herself with a wet washcloth, everything except her neck. She could still smell him on her there, and she wanted to make it last, certain it would help her dream beautiful things, like a soothing lullaby before bed.
Naked, she made her way inside her bedroom and slid on an oversized Janis Joplin t-shirt and pulled up her thick braids in a sloppy bun with a scrunchie. At last, she got cozy under her sheets.
Ahhh yes, this is good… relax.
She grabbed her remote control and channel surfed until her phone buzzed about twenty minutes later. She looked down at the thing, and butterflies took flight in her stomach when she realized who the sender was. As she read, more laughter gurgled in her throat…
Zenith:
I just got in the house. I hope you didn’t see the front of my pants. I would use some Indian humor and say it was pointy like a teepee, but that’s not politically correct now is it? Not that I really give a shit about that. How are you? You good, little mama?
Silver:
I’m great and you just made me laugh again.
Zenith:
I like making you laugh. I live in my grandfather’s attic with the cobwebs and shit, just like you thought, but before I go to sleep up here with my stolen dish satellite cable, old 80s porn VHS tapes, and warm, stale beer, I wanted to tell you something important…
Silver:
What?
Zenith:
NEVER order that fucked up salad again when I take you out somewhere. You knew you didn’t want it when you ordered it. Trying to be cute.
She quickly wrote back, typing in her text with proper and proud dexterity.
Silver:
You are crazy! Tell Paw I said hi when you go back downstairs and pay your half of the rent. LOL
Zenith:
I can’t, He kicked me out last month and doesn’t know I’m crashing up here. I gotta be quiet and piss in a bucket.
Silver:
LMAO! This better not be true. Anyway, I had fun. Tonight was pretty damn good.
Zenith:
I had a good time, too. Your lips are even softer than I imagined. Goodnight, baby. I’ll call you tomorrow.
Silver:
Great, okay. Goodnight to you, too.
She set her phone down and pulled the sheets around her a bit snugger. Closing her eyes to the world, she imagined being hugged and embraced, cocooned in the most beautiful of ways.