GRIND (The Silver Nitrate Series Book 1) (10 page)

Gregory, on the other hand, was still living at home, suckling off Mama like some newborn pig. They’d get into it every now and again, but their disagreements never went anywhere, unless one counted him disconnecting a call in a huff a sign of progress. He reminded her too much of David, always in the middle of some shit, expecting service and favors but giving little in return.

Nevertheless, she loved each and every one of them, and talked to her mama and sisters often. Mama had raised them all to have high self-esteem, to embrace their individuality, but she’d stressed the importance of getting an education. Mama had a high school diploma and was a straight A student; regardless, she regretted not going away to college before starting a family. She brought it up often, making it clear how she’d limited herself when the world was so big, and she wished she could have expanded her wings. Still, she never made Silver or her siblings feel bad because she’d gotten married young and started a family. That had been Mama’s choice, and she was a good mother despite her challenges… especially after Dad had left.

Silver sat on her comfy living room couch with a Titiana Groovy Blue cigar in one hand and a glass of Casamatta red wine in the other. She gazed at the time displayed on her Blu-ray DVD player, knowing it was too damn early to be drinking, but what the hell; one only lived once.

Reaching out for her iPhone, she dialed her mother’s number. The woman answered right away, but all she could initially hear was Con Funk Shun’s ‘Love Train’ blaring in the background.

“Oh, so you went
way
back this morning, huh?” Silver teased as her mother began to sing the lyrics in a hysterical off-key pitch.

“You know it!” The woman started snapping her fingers and a few seconds later, she turned it down. “How are you doing this morning?”

“I’m good… drinking and smokin’ at 8:00 a.m.. Aren’t you so proud of me?” Silver teased, drawing a laugh from her mother.

“I
am
proud of you, with your crazy self. What do you have planned today and when are you comin’ to see me?”

“Today I need to work on my bike, Mama. And before you ask, noooo, I’m still not finished.” She shook her head and grinned. “As far as when I’m coming, I’ll try to head down there next week, if that’s cool.”

“You and that bike… Girl, you always are putting stuff together. I don’t know why you just won’t take it to a shop! You’ve been that way since you were a little kid. You scared me that one time though…”

“Mama! Not this story again.”

But the woman chuckled, ignored her, and kept on anyway. “You were seven. You wanted to take the toaster apart and put it back together. You grabbed a screwdriver but you ain’t unplug it first. Girl! An angel was looking out for you because you was just jamming that thing in there over and over again. You made me scream so loud when I saw you. I think I had my first piece of gray pop up that day.”

“Don’t try to blame that gray hair of yours on me, just like you keep telling me I gave you the worst labor out of all of your children. You’re laying the guilt on thick, huh?”

“You did!” The woman cackled. “Ruby and Topaz are lucky to be alive, because I considered getting my tubes tied after what you’d done to me. Didn’t make no sense. I should’ve known you’d be a rebel… You’re my twin.”

“I know, and I’m proud of that, too.” Silver shook her head and took another sip of her wine. The smooth plum flavor tasted so good going down.

Hmmm… this is yummy.

She turned the glass slowly back and forth, watching how it slid slightly up the curve of the glass and then pooled back down to the bottom. She was already preparing in her mind for the next serving. She tapped a few ashes of her cigar into a nearby Darth Vader ashtray that sat on the end table.

“You seem a little quiet? Everything okay?”

Silver set her wine glass down and slipped her hand inside her oversized, cotton-colored robe.

“Mama, I was just in a reminiscent mood I guess, especially now that you brought up what I used to do as a kid. Hey, do you ever think about my father anymore?” She looked at her wine glass on the table, noticing the glints of light that hit it from the sun gleaming through the window.

“No, I don’t.” She could hear a lighter flick, and knew Mama was lighting a cigarette. Silver was quiet for a few moments, not even certain what to say next as she slid her feet, clad in only socks, over one another. Mama’s answer had thrown her off, unexpected.

I’ve thought about him a time or two. Why hadn’t Mama?

“I haven’t seen him since a few weeks after Ruby was born.” She blew out air. Silver could almost envision the smoke rings rolling from between her purple painted lips. “I tried to find him a couple of times, for all your sakes, not mine, but, like I told you years ago, I just gave up and then… I didn’t even care.”

“Mama,” she sighed as she picked up her glass of wine, took a sip, and set it back down. “I thought about my father, how I didn’t really know him, you know? It used to upset me, but now,” she said with a shrug, “it’s just a curiosity, I suppose. I know his name, his birthdate, that you and he met at a party when you were only sixteen… but he left when I was so young, I just can’t see his face anymore unless I look at a picture.”

“Baby, like I told you, Bryce Sr. had a drug problem. He got caught up. He told me a week before he left that he was going to go to South Carolina and try to find work. He did as he said he’d do, and I never saw him since. I know for a fact he left, the bus station remembered him, but he was actin’ funny anyway, so I wasn’t sure if it was the drugs talking or he lied, and planned to leave us altogether. I spent years trying to figure that out until I just accepted that God made me y’all’s mother, and I was going to do the best I could. My parents helped me, and thank God for them or there was no way I could have raised five kids on my own. You were all smart, and I wanted you to know it and do something about it. Y’all are my blessings.”

“Awww, Mama, you’re our blessing, too. I love you so much.” She smiled sadly as she tried to push the thoughts of a father long gone out of her mind.

“I love you, too. Even though you hated me during your teen years.”

“Yeah.” Silver shook her head. “That’s just because we were too much alike, and I had the hormones and all that other mess going on. I don’t know how you were able to take me, Topaz, and Ruby with all our female stuff!” She burst out laughing. “And don’t let us all be on our periods at the same time.”

“Girl!” Her mother cracked up hard into the phone. “Your brothers would see that tampon box on the bathroom counter and get tha hell outta dodge! Ain’t nothing like four women PMSing and wanting to kill everything that moves.” Silver burst out laughing as the hilarious memories came back to her …and then, her eyes settled on her wineglass again, and an image of her first love bringing her a bottle of Nabuko to celebrate their one year anniversary rushed her senses.

“I’ve been thinking about David lately. Sometimes I still can’t believe that he’s gone.” She ran her hand up and down her bare leg, sensing a sudden chill.

“Yeah, you had a hard time, sweetie. You and David… Well, you were both just so young, Silver. You got married too young, baby. I wanted you to learn from my mistakes. But I loved David, you know I did, and I wanted you two to work out.”

“I know, Mama. He knew it, too. You were always upfront with your concerns… I guess I should have listened.”

“Silver, we have to make our own mistakes. Plus, you were so stubborn and strong-willed, it wouldn’t have made any difference. Plus… baby, you were in love. People don’t think straight when those types of emotions have taken over. He just needed to grow up. And then when he got involved with all that craziness, I just couldn’t deal with him anymore.” She heard the woman exhale.

“Something went wrong, Mama, and for the life of me, I can’t figure it out. It was like he totally changed.” Prickly passages from her memory bank came to the fore, things he used to say, and the way he used to say them…

“He didn’t change, Silver. You and that boy—sorry, that young man—hadn’t reached your maturity. You were growing up together, changing together. I know all about that first hand. Not all changes are good changes, though. He’d lost his innocence, but that didn’t have much to do with you.”

“But it affected me all the same. We were too young to get married, that’s true… but I loved him so much, Mama. I always say that to you; it’s like I’m trying to prove it to myself or something, like I need a witness.”

“I know you loved him, Silver, but… you knew it wasn’t working. You even had to leave him and honey, I’m not trying to sound cold but you have to live your life. My first concern is about my baby. Everyone else is secondary and he was tearing you down. He ain’t mean it, but intentions really don’t mean shit at the end of the day… I need another cup of coffee, got me on this phone saying these things, but I guess they need to be said.”

She sat there and thought about Mama’s words, hating the truth she was relaying.

I haven’t been living my life? Work is going great… but there’s more to life than work. Mama don’t understand though. It’s not just because he’s dead. It’s… nevermind.

“Silver, I’m just going to come on out with it. Since you’ve brought this up, you are going to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth or may the mothership come and take me away right now! I’ve seen you change, and I don’t like it.”

“I haven’t changed, Mama; at least, not in the way I think you’re implying.” She wanted to get smart with the woman, put her in her place, but that was simply because her defenses had been tickled, and annoyance set in. No one knew her like Mama did, so there was no point in arguing with the woman, at least not about this…

“You’re
not
the same, Silver. You’re withdrawn, and it’s like you don’t want to feel anything anymore. When I look in your eyes, some of the light in them is gone. Do you know that your eyes are one of the most beautiful features on your face? They are so shiny, like a doll’s. Now you know I ain’t into all of this beauty shit, but I’ve always said how gorgeous and smart my babies are, especially my girls. Heads turn when any of you walk into a place! I know I’m biased, but it’s the truth. When I was younger, I would always hear that tired bullshit of, ‘You’re pretty for a dark skinned girl.’ I made certain that none of my babies would have a complex over that, or at least I’d die trying. You came out looking just like me, and I knew we had a special bond as soon as I looked down at your tiny, precious 7 lb. body.

“When you opened your eyes that first time, Silver, I fell in love, instantly. Your father, both of your grandmothers, aunts, cousins, everyone talked about how damn perfect you were. Skin like ebony satin! Hair so soft, black and thick! Lips just sultry… and you grew into a gorgeous woman with a brain. The fact that you are absolutely brilliant and independent makes you all the
more
wonderful. I want you to do your thing, honey. I want you to flourish. Don’t waste time; don’t live in the past.”

“Mama.” Silver sighed, closed her eyes, and shook her head. “I have a good job and I—”

“Why aren’t you dating anymore, for instance? Something is wrong! I ask you about any men you’re seeing, and I never hear the same name twice. You go out and—”

“Mama, please.”

“I’m going to say it because you need to hear it! I’ve had this bottled inside for months, Silver. We’re so close, and I never want to rock the apple cart because maybe it’s wrong, maybe it’s right, but besides your friend Clara—whom I can’t stand but that’s beside the point—I’m your closest friend and you’re mine. I know you respect my opinion, and you know I’d never bullshit you… but I need to tell you, as your mother, as the first person who ever loved you.”

“Tell me what, Mama?” She felt a budding tear in her eye, and hated that. Mama was about to bring down the hammer… and it was going to hurt something awful.

“Silver, you aren’t living anymore. You’re just alive…”