Great-Aunt Sophia's Lessons for Bombshells (32 page)

Not only is thinner not healthier, it also apparently is less attractive than plumpness
.

Author furious, and in search of bacon
.

August 13

Trainer and nutritionist fired
.

Sophia claims Author’s sheaf of research printouts were immaterial to decision. Of greater import was Author’s recent inexplicable improvement in bombshell sexiness. S. claims Author is exuding sexuality, as if sex constantly on Author’s mind
.

S. likely aware of sexual relationship between Author and despised male (nothing gets past her), but is making show of saying nothing
.

August 15

Author’s bedroom. Bedroom. Bedroom
.

August 16

Dr. Andrew noticed Author’s changed eating habits and slight weight gain, and expressed concern. Dr. repeated supposed longevity benefits of CRON. Author was tempted to wave research papers under Dr.’s nose, but thought better of it, as Dr. being so sweet otherwise. He brought flowers, held Author’s hand during walk in garden, and talked about hopes for future: wife, kids, volunteer work for Doctors Without Borders. Again, Dr. almost kissed Author, but obviously gun shy after first disastrous kiss
.

Author in dilemma over Dr
.

Author very fond of Dr., Author enjoys talking with Dr., and Author finds Dr. physically attractive in gentle way. Author also still tempted to side with Dr. re: Steinbeck cricket, and admires Dr.’s altruism. However, Author strongly feeling guilt of secret sexual relationship with enemy of Dr
.

Author unwilling (unable?) to give up secret sexual relationship
.

Author unwilling to give up potential for long-term relationship with Dr
.

Author can only conclude that diet/exercise/beauty lead to nymphomania, which leads to unsavory, dishonest, sluttish behavior
.

Is above considered evidence of decline in Author’s sense of self-worth?

Author wonders if attempt should be made to turn sexual hunger from despised male to Dr. All problems solved, if successful
.

August 17

Garden. Garden. Garden
.

Author obviously has no self-control, no self-respect. Despised male has uttered no word of affection for Author beyond moans and grunts of pleasure. Why does Author continue with him when Dr. is available? Is sexual relationship with despised male interfering with Author’s ability to bond with superior male?

Author growing deeply confused over what she wants. At beginning of summer, answer was obvious: write dissertation, get boyfriend. Summer is almost over, and no writing on dissertation has occurred. One intelligent, ideal male is courting her with long-term thoughts. One cretinous lout is banging her (revolting phrase unfortunately apt in circumstances), but never mentions the future. Cretinous lout does show surprising flashes of insight, humor, and protectiveness, though
.

Or is Author only seeing some good in the despised male in order to feel better about her continuing sexual relationship?

Sexual relationship clearly messing with head. Confusion abounding
.

At beginning of summer, Author was firm in her beliefs regarding validity of her studies and point of view regarding pursuit of beauty and the damage it does to women. Now, Author reveling in own appearance
.

Question: Has Author gained confidence with improved appearance?

Answer: Author likes looking better and not being self-conscious about body. Assumes that strangers think better of her now than they did a month ago, and that makes her more comfortable around them
.

But
.

Author is noticing the weight of other women more than used to. What looked normal before now looks a little porky
.

Are fat and body image the real issue, though? Or is it that Author expects world to hold itself to whatever standards she sets for herself, whether standards are being heavy or thin, a rational or emotional thinker, one who lives by feminist or traditional values? Author views the world through lens of her own experience, and judges accordingly
.

How grossly unfair
.

Maybe what is right and wrong is more fluid than Author thought. As situation changes, so do judgments. Morals, too, to some degree, given what Author has done with D. Author adapts both thinking and behavior to her circumstances
.

Ironically, Author notes that values being dependent upon surrounding culture and circumstance is basic tenet of Women’s Studies. Apparently Author did not learn as much as she thought in her classes, if truth of said tenet is only now hitting home
.

Author doesn’t deserve Ph.D
.

Stupid Author
.

(Author notes additional evidence of decreasing self-esteem.)

If above is true, then how can Author ever form a clear idea of how to live her life? How can she move forward on a path with conviction, when she knows that it is the present environment forming her views as much as either innate or previously learned values? And what trouble might she get herself into, if she has no firm convictions to guide her?

Maybe it doesn’t matter how a woman lives her life. She could be a bombshell sex kitten or a spinster with a pile of books, moldering in an ivory tower. One has the same worth as the other, and could be as right for Author as the other, depending on the circumstances
.

What is Author supposed to be or supposed to become? “Grace Cavanaugh the Women’s Studies Ph.D. candidate” may have just been an illusion created to match existing circumstances
.

Maybe there is no unique, eternal “Grace” inside Author, a Grace who was meant to have a specific future, and who, no matter what the surroundings, would have grown up to believe the same things. Maybe there’s no unique, eternal person inside anyone
.

Present existential crisis is further proof that pursuing bombshell beauty is harmful to women
.

August 18

Despised male busy working on MG for historic auto race. Sophia very distressed at any mention of race but refuses to discuss beyond mumbling words like “dangerous” and “foolish.” Author beginning to worry about race and risk to despised male
.

Why does Author care what happens to said male? Again, sexual relationship clearly messing with head
.

Also, Author has been thinking
.

If it doesn’t matter in which direction she moves—bombshell or academic, low achiever or high achiever, Democrat or Republican or League of Flying Spaghetti Monster—or even if she moves at all, what does she do? She needs to do something with her life, or else why live it?

So, what does Author want to do?

What does Author want, period?

August 18½

Bedroom. Shower
.

Sex still good, but Author noted decreased happiness postsexual encounter. While orgasm was reached, still there was . . . disappointment. Author waiting for words of affection from despised male, words that did not come
.

Author knows better than to expect them. So why does she want them?

August 19

Author taking ballroom dance lessons
.

Gardens off-limits for sex, as workers preparing for gala costume party in four days. Theme: A Long Ago Night in an Enchanted Forest. Sophia to wear green velvet dress from portrait in den. Author to wear vintage strapless black-sequined gown
.

Author must immediately halt intake of bacon if gown is to fit
.

(But Author still unwilling to give up bacon.)

August 20

Author has been thinking again
.

In deepest heart of hearts, Author wants only one thing. The same thing everyone wants. The same thing everyone has always wanted
.

Author wants to be loved
.

Best chances of rewarding long-term relationship are with Dr. Andrew. But sexual relationship is interfering with bonding
.

Therefore:

Sexual relationship with despised male must end
.

CHAPTER

22

T
he Duesenberg rolled down the eighteenth fairway of Pebble Beach Golf Links with Darlene at the wheel, Lali riding shotgun and laughing as she waved to strangers like a homecoming princess on a float, and Grace and Sophia in the backseat, wearing enormous hats fit for a garden party with the queen. They were bringing the car to be displayed in the Concours d’Elegance.

Despite her hat, Grace wasn’t feeling festive. She’d been avoiding Declan for two days, ever since she’d realized that if she wanted a real relationship with someone—like Andrew—she had to end the affair with Declan.

She didn’t know if she was strong enough to do it. She didn’t know
how
to do it. How did you break up with someone you weren’t really “with” to begin with?

She knew what would happen. Declan would accuse her of thinking too much: she was having fun, so where was the problem? Then she’d feel like a freak for spelling out her cost-benefits analysis of continuing to have sex with him: the risk versus reward; the profit and loss; the return on investment. And she’d agree that that
was
all too analytical. But it hurt too much to admit the real reason they had to stop.

She was falling for him.

Her heart beat faster whenever he approached, and her face lit up when they greeted each other. She laughed too much at his jokes and slipped his name into conversations with Sophia, Lali, her mother . . . anyone.

Her heart’s defenses against him were falling, one by one. If she didn’t save herself now, she would be emotionally obliterated when Declan abandoned her. And that day
would
come, she constantly reminded herself. He’d said nothing to make her think it wouldn’t, that he’d changed, that
he
was becoming attached to
her
.

There were moments where Grace thought
maybe. . . .
Moments when she’d catch him watching her from across the room, a soft half smile on his lips. Or when he’d catch her mood before she spoke, and ask if all was well, a crease of concern between his brows. Most of all, though, it was the moments after sex that got her, when he’d cradle her in his arms and dot her with tender kisses . . . but never, ever utter a word of what was in his heart. Each time, her hoping heart was disappointed. Each time, the pain of that disappointment grew more crushing.