Graham Ran Over A Reindeer (10 page)

Coward.
If he’d never hit Rudy, Graham would still be dancing around the idea of asking him out because he was chicken-shit. Things suddenly clicked, and wooden pegs fell into the correct holes. Tomorrow was not a guarantee and it was silly to dwell on what-ifs. He wanted to be happy. He wanted a lifelong partner. He wanted years and years of pure joy. So why was he pushing away the man that promised to give it to him?

Forcing his chill-stiffened legs to move, he burst into the house and located his keys. His sister’s questioning voice followed him as he rushed back out the house and hopped in his truck. The wheels spun on the ice as he pushed the speed. The sun had set, the light quickly fading, but all Graham could focus on was getting to Rudy as quickly as possible. The man had left once and come back, but Graham knew in his heart, Rudy wouldn’t be coming back this time.

He slid out several times, but when the Snowden house came into view, his heart kicked into gear. He didn’t see Rudy’s truck anywhere—was he too late? Pulling up to the house, he killed the engine and jumped out. He banged on the front door, calling for someone to let him in, but no one seemed to be home. Racing around the back, he found the lights of the kitchen out. The ache in his chest intensified as he ran his eyes over the corral, the caribou huddled against one side of the fence. Tentatively, he took steps toward the herd, hoping one might have a newly growing antler… Graham leaned against the fence, his lung hurting from the cold. It was too late. Rudy had left to go live with his grandmother and Graham knew he deserved to linger here, alone. The man had offered Graham his most precious gift and he’d thrown it away like underwear from a distant aunt. He deserved to be miserable.

A snort to the side caught his attention and Graham snapped in a big breath. A caribou stood against the tree line. Its fur was thicker, especially around its neck and the rack on top its head was huge. Its ears perked and Graham took a step forward. Aged grey eyes tracked him, but Graham got the sense it wasn’t afraid of him. The caribou turned and retreated into the forest.

“Wait!” Graham shouted and pumped his legs. He broke through the trees, hard snow pelting him from every direction. The animal—shifter?—was nowhere to be seen, but Graham followed the hoof prints. As he went deeper, the trees thickened and the light dimmed so he could hardly see where he was going. His thighs stung from navigating thick snow and his body shook from the frigidness that had sunk deep into his bones. Realizing he’d lost his chance, he fell against a tree. He slowly slid to the ground, too weak with grief to hold himself up.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed. He pulled his coat closer. Sticking his hands in his sleeves, he collapsed in on himself. He needed to get back to his car before he turned into a Popsicle, but he wanted to mourn a little longer. He was so caught up in his misery that he missed the crunch of snow. Frozen stiff, he couldn’t move his neck to see who was standing next to him, but he could hear the air moving through powerful lungs and feel the heated breath rushing past him. A heavy weight lowered to the ground in a thump and warm, soft fur came against him. Graham dug his chilled fingers into the down and leaned against the caribou in search of warmth. A big head arched around and the soft hairs of the shifter’s muzzle glided across Graham’s cheek. He made a sound of need and wrapped his hand around a growing antler.

Rudy.
Graham got as close as he could, the heat thawing him enough so that he could speak through chattering teeth. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared. Mom and Dad died when I was a kid, and then you left when we were getting close… when I was young and fragile and needed you. I’m afraid you’ll leave again. Years down the road, you might find someone like you that you can love more than me… then leave.”

That soft muzzle came against his cheek, the whisker-like hairs tickling his skin. He tightened his grip around Rudy’s antler. Though he knew his touch was probably irritating, he needed to keep the man he loved close to him. Resting his head against the mass of fur, he closed his eyes, praying Rudy would stay.

Putting to words his fears did a lot to clear his mind, but he’d hurt Rudy and he was terrified that pain couldn’t be soothed.

Chapter Twelve

Rudy snuggled as close as he could to Graham, the man’s shivers vibrating against his body. What had Graham been thinking running through the woods at night without proper protection? Nudging Graham with his nose, he licked at the man’s cool skin. This wouldn’t do. As happy as he was that the man was seeking his comfort, Rudy’s prime directive was to see that Graham was safe and healthy.

Rising to his hooves, Rudy ignored Graham’s protest and trotted toward the house. He easily navigated the crusty snow and thick brush and raced across the backyard. Nearing the back porch, he commanded the shift to rise and his body reformed until he was human again. He gathered the clothes he’d left on the bannister and hastily dressed. Grandfather was likely still in the woods and would keep an eye on Graham until Rudy returned to him. Grabbing a blanket from the laundry room, he pumped his legs hard as he could back to Graham. The man was still huddled against the tree, his body folded in on itself to conserve heat. Throwing the blanket around Graham’s shoulders, Rudy helped him to his feet.

A stiff, cold hand cupped Rudy’s cheek and chapped lips covered his. Rudy moaned into the kiss, desperation filling him. He never thought he’d feel the man so close again, or scent his skin and see those gorgeous blue eyes look at him with such… love.

“Let’s get you warmed up, and we’ll talk,” Rudy said.

Nodding, Graham leaned against him for support and Rudy used his superior sight to guide them back to the house. When they were upstairs and in his room, Rudy set Graham down on his bed and got him bundled under the covers. He rushed back downstairs and heated some water in the microwave then mixed in some hot cocoa. When he was satisfied with his efforts, he returned to his bedroom. Graham accepted the cup eagerly and Rudy watched as he sipped at the liquid.

Is he really here?
Rudy expected this to be a delusion, one borne from being hit by a car… again.

“Thank you,” Graham said after a moment. “I feel better now.”

“You shouldn’t wander the woods at night without gloves and a scarf. You scared me,” Rudy confessed. “I was afraid you’d freeze to death.”

The man set the mug on the bedside table and sighed. “There wasn’t much else on my mind other than you. I thought I was too late when I didn’t see your truck in the drive way.”

His heart kicking, Rudy forced himself to remain realistic. Biting his lip, he nodded. “Grandfather insisted I get a tune-up before hitting the road. I don’t want to leave you, Graham. But I… I’m in love with you and seeing you every day and knowing I can’t have you is excruciating.”

Graham set into motion and pulled Rudy in bed with him. Rudy knew he shouldn’t allow himself to get so close, but he was unable to help himself. He wrapped his arms around Graham and bumped his forehead against the man’s. A long while passed and the man stopped shivering.

“I think you leaving all those years really did a number on me. I’m just scared that you will one day decide I’m not what you want and leave again.”

The heartbreak in Graham’s voice sent a spear of pain through Rudy. “No, you don’t understand. We mate for life. Once bonded, there is only ever one and that is it. The bond is unbreakable, even in death. I could never love anyone else nor could I tolerate being away from you. You are my one, Graham. My life-mate. You always were and I want us to be together, but I understand if you are unable to accept what I want from you.”

Closing his eyes, Graham let out a big breath. “I do want to be with you and make a life together. I just need time to adjust… what do I tell my family when they notice I’m not aging? I can’t rush into this…”

“I’m sorry you thought I was forcing you,” Rudy muttered, hating himself for pushing too hard. “That wasn’t my intent. I just want you to know the joy you’ve given me. The gift is a precious thing and what better to give it to the man I love? I got ahead of myself, and for that I apologize.”

Graham urged Rudy close, his gaze reflecting vulnerability. “I love you. And I realize love isn’t easy, but I want to be with you. When you’re gone, it’s like missing the other part of me, that free and wild creature unafraid of living life to the fullest. I want that. But I don’t want to rush, either. I want to savior our relationship.”

“I want to give you everything, Graham. All of me. I promise to cherish you as any life-mate would. But I won’t force you into anything. This is solely your decision and I will honor whatever you choose no matter how painful. I do hope you give me the chance to show you why being with me would be worth your while. I know we can figure this out. There is an old belief among my people… it is said that the Great Spirit intended for humans and Elementir to mate. That all humans and Elementir are but halves of a single spirit until they come together in love and unite as one.”

Making a sound of need, Graham buried his nose against Rudy’s neck. “I want to give this a try. A real shot, but I need you to guide me into your world, not take my hand and pull me along. Do you understand what I am saying?”

“I do. And I promise to be gentle,” Rudy murmured against his lover’s hair. “Whatever it is you want, you let me know and it will be done.”

Graham craned his head to look Rudy in the eye. A smile twitched at the edge of his lips and Rudy leaned in. He pressed his lips against Graham, but let him lead the kiss. A warm tongue skimmed Rudy’s bottom lip and he opened his mouth. Seizing the opportunity, Graham swallowed Rudy’s moan of victory. It was a tender kiss, one of slow, deep licks and cherishing caresses.

Breaking away, Graham sighed as he rested his head on the pillow. His eyes scanned Rudy’s face, and the man’s fingers traced his jaw as if he were examining a precious jewel. Rudy knew it would take them a long time to get where he wanted to be—hell it had taken his parents a decade to get there, but he had no doubt he and Graham would always love each other. They were best friends and would always be, but Rudy couldn’t help feeling as if he were destined to have been hit by Graham’s truck. Maybe fate was tired of watching them dance around each other and had decided to give them a little push.

“I love you,” Rudy muttered. “Always have and always will.”

The man made a very purr-like noise. “I do like those words on your lips.”

“Good. Get used to them because I won’t be happy until I tell you a hundred times a day,” he said, the excitement rising.

“Mhm,” Graham murmured. “You know what they say… show, don’t tell.”

A laugh bubbled up Rudy’s throat and he looked at his mate. Arching a brow, he inquired, “Make up sex?”

“You bet your bells,” Graham growled then tackled him.

Chapter Thirteen

Next Christmas…

Rudy laughed as Graham tugged him out of the house when no one was looking. As they walked toward the trees surrounding Sue’s house, the clamor of Christmas Day dinner slowly dimmed.

“I thought I’d never get you out of there. I didn’t realize how well our families would get along. I think your grandfather is in love with my nieces,” Graham said as he threw an arm around Rudy’s shoulders. “And Sue’s husband and Dad Anik are like old college buddies, it’s weird.”

“Yeah. I’ve never seen Mom get so tipsy before. I mean, we need to drink a lot to get drunk and it doesn’t last very long, but she seems determined to get there,” Rudy said, trying to cover his laugh. “I’m glad everyone is having a blast, though.”

“Me, too. Makes it easier to break the news to them about me if everyone is buddy-buddy.”

Rudy stopped and pegged the man with a serious look. He had a hard time believing a year had passed already and though their days were filled with love and joy, Rudy knew that hurdle was quickly approaching. The tribunal had sent a follow up letter a few months ago, inquiring about the status of Graham’s heritage and whether or not Rudy’s
light-well
was intact. Grandfather had promised he could stall them, but Rudy didn’t want the council to send someone out here and scare Graham away. The man was finally comfortable with him and no longer looked twice when a caribou strolled through the yard or Mom and Dad walked in the house completely naked after a long run.

Withdrawing the brightly wrapped box from under his arm, Graham grinned. “So, I was a little disappointed in your gift to me. I mean, I know it’s hard to beat that wooden dildo you gave me for my birthday, but—”

“Shut up!” Rudy chuckled and pushed the man away playfully. He had intended it to be a gimmick gift, but Graham had cheated and opened the present when he wasn’t supposed to—right in the middle of his family. Thankfully, everyone was amused by the whole thing and no one died of embarrassment.

His eyes hooding, Graham licked his lips. Rudy instantly picked up on his lover’s apprehension and his instinct kicked into gear. He opened his mouth to demand what was wrong and how he could fix it, but Graham silenced him with a finger to Rudy’s lips. Holding the present up, he said, “Merry Christmas, Rudy.”

Narrowing his eyes in suspicion, he accepted the box and tore through the paper. He pushed the lid away then frowned at the old cloth inside. Heat suddenly raced to his face and his stomach churned like a cement mixer. With shaky fingers, he unfolded the cloth to reveal a wooden bowl and a dagger sheathed in leather etched with runes. He snapped his attention to Graham who was smiling softly, but seemed overcome by nerves.

“I asked your mother for guidance about taking the final step, and she gave me the bowl and knife,” he explained, his tone hitching. “She wouldn’t tell me much except that if I was ready, I should give this to you and you’d know what it meant.”

Rudy did his best to work his mouth, but nothing would come out. The box in his hands felt as heavy as a cement block and the thin jacket around his torso was like an electric blanket.
This isn’t happening.
There was no way Graham was accepting the gift. He had resigned himself that Graham might never be ready for it. Rudy was prepared to take what the man was willing to give, even if it meant Graham aged and died.

Graham fidgeted and scratched the back of his neck. “You need to explain it to me. You never really went into detail about the technicalities and I didn’t want to ask for fear of breaking the balance we found—”

Rudy pressed his lips to his man’s and cut off his words. Graham sighed into the kiss and opened, but his tongue was clumsy.

Pulling himself together, Rudy asked, “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he whispered then cleared his throat. “Yes. It’s what I want. I know it won’t be easy watching those I love die, but I want to be your equal.”

Closing his eyes in pure elation, he let out the breath he had been holding. He covered the bowl and dagger with the cloth then weaved his fingers into Graham’s and pulled him toward the driveway. They were silent as Rudy steered his truck to his house, but Graham seemed content, his lips curled up in a comfortable smile. When they were in front of his house, Rudy killed the engine, then hopped out. Guiding him toward the barn, Rudy couldn’t stop looking at Graham—he was so beautiful and Rudy knew he’d never get tired of looking at his mate.

Rudy secured the barn door then got the lamp burning. Under the soft glow of the light, he took a seat on a hay stack. Graham sat facing him and Rudy opened the box. His hands quaked as he removed the bowl and offered it to Graham. “
Hidah
. It means well. This one is carved from an oak species that went extinct a few thousand years ago. It’s been in my family for a very long time.”

Graham accepted it and Rudy watched as his lover’s pale skin slid against the darker wood of the bowl. He bit his lip then asked, “I take it this is to hold the
light-water
?”

“Yes.” Rudy unbuckled the clasp on the sheath then slowly withdrew the dagger. The polished blade reflected the light in a blinding flash and Rudy ran his thumb along the braided handle of the blade. It was crisp and new, a sign that it was only used for a specific purpose and rarely. “
Khean
. Knife, or something that cuts.”

Graham’s brows went down and his throat shifted hard as his eyes traced the length of the dagger, the tip severely pointed. Rudy gave him the time he needed, not wanting to force the moment. Something fell into place inside the man’s mind and he gaped, his eyes going wide.

“No… please tell me I got this wrong,” he demanded.

“Forgive me, Graham. This is tradition and how it’s been done since the beginning. My
light-well
must be punctured from the outside and this dagger has been designed to do such a thing,” he explained carefully.

“I can’t hurt you like that,” he croaked. “Can’t we use a needle, or something non-lethal?

His lover’s concern stroked his heart in all the right ways. “It will hurt, but only for a moment. But the joy to come afterward will outshine any amount of pain. The gift is a selfless act of love as well as a sacrifice. An offering of such significance demands payment and my pain is that due. I know this is shocking to you, but I want to feel that pain. I want to experience what it means to be Elementir in the most primal of ways. Not all Elementir are blessed with a
light-well
and to circumvent the process would be an insult to the miracle. Please, Graham.”

Graham ran his eyes all over Rudy and the tools, his heart racing. “Better to give than receive?”

“Something like that,” he said, grinning.

Closing his eyes, Graham sucked in a big dose of air and slowly let it out. He repeated the process several times then flipped his lids open. “Okay. I’ll do it. What else do I need to know?”

“I ask that you hold the
Hidah
for me while the
light-water
drains from my body. I must keep the wound open or the breach will heal. Once my well is empty, you must drink it. Please, Graham… you have to be sure this is what you want. The
light-water
will degrade quickly if you do not consume it and the gift wasted. Once it is out of my body, there is no going back.”

Rudy knew Graham was nervous, but he didn’t hint any hesitation. He was sure the man understood the significance of the gift and wouldn’t back out at the last second.

“Okay. I want this, I really do. I want to be with you in all ways and watch the world pass with you by my side.” His hands shook as he held up the bowl, his chest pumping hard from labored breath.

Swallowing a lump the size of a Christmas ornament, Rudy undid his flannel then pulled his shirt over his head until his torso was bared. He moved around and came to sit in front of Graham. He got close enough that their knees touched. He took a moment to admire the man that was about to become his life-mate. They were both terrified, but they were in this together and Rudy couldn’t ask for more. Taking up the dagger, he smiled at his man.

Graham tipped his head toward the dagger, watching in fascination as it flashed in Rudy’s hands. “I can do this.”

Rudy took a deep, cleansing breath then palpated the center of his chest with his fingers. When he found the correct spot, he positioned the tip of the dagger between his pecs. With his free hand, he straightened his palm then pressed it against the blunt end of the dagger. His attention was glued to Graham, and he realized he needed the support of his lover.

“I love you,” Graham croaked.

Rudy smiled right before excruciating pain consumed him.

****

Fuck, is this actually happening?
Graham’s mind swirled like a hurricane. He could hardly breathe as Rudy set the knife against his chest—
it’s too close to your heart
, he wanted to scream. He reminded himself the man was Elementir and knew what he was doing. He hated that Rudy would be in pain for one second, but he accepted it was his way. Collecting himself, he put his best face forward, determined to let Rudy know that he was prepared for this.

“Love you,” Rudy said, his expression reflecting happiness.

A bark of shock filled the barn and it took a long second for Graham to realize he’d made that sound as he watched the dagger slide into Rudy’s chest in a single, powerful thrust. Rudy shivered and his breath came in uneven gasps and Graham wanted to gather him in his arms. He didn’t completely understand Rudy’s desire to experience the pain that came along with sharing his gift, but Graham wasn’t about to take it away from Rudy no matter how much he wanted to. Rudy’s smile faltered and Graham remembered his part in the whole thing. Grabbing the bowl with numb fingers, he held it under the dagger. The man winced then twisted the blade a fraction, his expression tainted by pain. Graham gasped as what looked like liquid gold rushed from the wound and started to fill the bowl. Transfixed, Graham gaped as the bowl grew warm in his hands and the liquid seemed to emanate light.

Rudy glanced down at the bowl, then leaned in until he was a hair away from Graham. Though he was so obviously in pain, he smiled, his eyes shining with devotion and tenderness. “Love. You.”

Graham made a desperate sound as Rudy twisted the knife again, the man’s composure weakening. He groaned hoarsely and Graham fought the natural urge to take away the source of his lover’s agony. More
light-water
spilled out and into the bowl and Graham could do nothing but watch in fascination as it turned into a dribble then stopped. The bowl full, he blinked at it, sure he could see his reflection.

“The choice is yours,” Rudy rasped, his hair brushing Graham’s forehead. “No matter the form you choose, I will love you forever.”

A cacophony of emotions slammed into Graham and he was sure he was going to pass out. Rudy closed the distance between their lips and moaned into the kiss. There was very little energy behind it, but Graham didn’t miss the sincerity in Rudy’s statement—he didn’t need to go into details, but Graham understood Rudy was willing to let him go if he wished to become anything other than caribou.
This is it. No going back.
Dropping his attention to the bowl, he swallowed hard. The basic shape of his face looked back at him, but he swore he could see something more… something he couldn’t explain. The sound of labored breath pulled him back to reality and he brought the bowl to his lips, his hands vibrating.

Fear of the unknown stilled him and he closed his eyes. Parting his lips, he forced himself to drink. There was no taste, only texture and as he took the first swallow, his throat burned. Still, he gulped it down. He felt as if he were swallowing fire, the thick fluid scorching him from the inside out.
You thought this would be easy?
Rudy had suffered to drain his well, and Graham figured it had to hurt going in, too.

Forcing the last of the
light-water
down, he gasped as he tried to catch his breath, the sting quickly abating. He didn’t know what the
light-water
was, but it settled in his stomach easily, like milk soothing indigestion. He flipped his eyes open. Rudy was hunched over, the dagger still firmly in his chest, but he looked beyond happy. He pulled in a big breath, then slid the knife out. His expression twisted into agony, but he didn’t make a sound. Discarding the blade to the side, Rudy wrapped his fingers around the back of Graham’s neck and pulled him into a kiss. Graham’s hand tangled in his lover’s hair as the man kissed him tenderly—

Graham gasped into Rudy’s mouth, then bowed over as pain twisted deep in his gut. Rudy caught him and held him close to his body.

“Don’t fight it,” Rudy whispered. “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

He had meant to respond, but it felt as if he had swallowed an ember. The fire quickly rekindled and started to spread outward until his lungs burned and every beat of his heart hurt. He could hear himself begging for mercy, but his vision faded and Rudy’s words grew distant. Darkness surrounded him and he panicked, but something warm and gentle held onto him. A pinprick of light erupted, then another and another until the blackness was filled with stars and glowing gasses… Graham’s body grew light, and everything rushed passed him as if he were traveling through the cosmos at super speeds. Stars became clusters and clusters became galaxies. They seemed to rotate around a central point of light and as he grew further away, he realized he was seeing the universe in a scope he could understand—somewhere in that tangle of galaxies was Earth. More lights flared around the marble-sized universe, and Graham came to understand that he was seeing the bigger picture as billions of universes stretched endlessly in front of him. The plane in which he lived was nothing more than a single cell of a larger entity, a playing field among many that made up something bigger, something he knew he could never grasp. A Great Spirit. A being beyond all mortal comprehension.