16
BEST
“I
really think Konner is the right man for you, girl,” Isha said to me after the luncheon. Isha, Sam, and I were trying to come up with a way to get Cheryl out of her predicament and Sam had just gone to the bathroom.
I was very caught off guard by the statement. It was kinda ironic, though. I had been thinking about Konner a lot over the past few days. He hadn't called or come by unexpectedly like he had the last time I'd thrown him out. I couldn't blame him at all. That day I had told him to leave when he'd been on my case about getting an HIV test; I had treated him so badly if I were him I wouldn't wanna be bothered with me either, let alone be in a relationship with me. All he did was extend kindness, care, and concern, and all I did was give him the cold shoulder, making him feel like I didn't need him in my life. And that was far from the truth.
“Hello? Earth to Cassidy. You here, girl?” Isha said.
But I wasn't listening. I was trying to visualize Konner holding me tight, telling me everything was going to be okay, and me kissing him, feeling good inside. But that dream was too far gone and stupid. I could possibly kill him if I had what I was afraid to find out about.
As I thought of Konner, it became clear that I'd made a mistake. Though he was not college educated, he certainly was intellectual, philosophical, and intelligent. He was a man who loved God more than he loved himself. A man who understood that people had tough backgrounds, imperfections, and drama. A man who saw good in other people and a man who saw good in me. Being around him made me feel better. Thinking about him made me happy. But dumb me had sent him away.
“You care about him, too. I see it in your face,” Isha said.
“It doesn't matter what I want. He deserves better than me,” I said.
“He doesn't care about, about ...” Isha looked away, unable to conjure up the words.
“What, the disease?” I said. “Sure, he doesn't care about that now, but what if I have it? Would he want a girlfriend who's HIV positive?”
“He's a good man, Cassidy. He's trying to go about doing things the right way.”
“I've never really had a boyfriend I could share my life's story with, but Konner was so caring. I didn't know what to do with his love. I was trying to push things a little too far, messing up his walk with God. Maybe all this turmoil I'm dealing with is because I didn't respect that.”
“You should let him be the judge of what he wants to put up with or deserves to be around. I see him all the time, walking around our church youth group, and he asks me if you're okay.”
“He deserves much better than me, though, Isha,” I said to her.
“Well, the heart loves who the heart loves,” Isha responded, clutching her chest. “And you ain't as bad as you think.”
“Who loves who? That preacher man?” Sam asked as she walked back from the bathroom. “If that's who you two are gabbing about, then, girl, that man does love you. That day you kicked him out, he was a lost soul. I saw him sitting outside our place when I stepped out to get some milk, and he was pretty much in tears. I saw him quickly wipe his eyes when he saw me.”
“He was probably sad from the news I told him. He wasn't upset because we were over.” I tried convincing my girls. “That was it, right?”
“Maybe,” Sam said. “But I don't think so.”
“It was probably both. You know, just his emotions mixed together. He is a sensitive and emotional man who preaches and speaks the Word passionately. But all I'm saying is give him a call,” Isha said.
“Okay. Well, the waiters are waiting to clear the room. Plus, enough about me. What are we going to do about Cheryl? I feel like I'm being so hypocritical, trying to lift her spirits and get her to quit being so isolated when I know exactly how she feels. This is some scary stuff,” I said as the three of us walked out of the grand hotel.
When we got in Sam's car, she said, “We're still a family, and we're not gonna back away from what scares any of us. You're not going to have to be strong by yourself. Cheryl's not going to have to be strong by herself.”
“Yep,” Isha said, leaning up from the backseat and soothing my shoulder with her touch. “We are all in this together. You and Cheryl are not going to go through this alone.”
Â
It wasn't a good day for Beta Gamma Pi. The thirty days weren't even up, and the Regional Coordinator had paid us an unexpected visit to speak to us. I guess I was supposed to care and be on my best behavior, listening and being attentive, but my attention was elsewhere. I was at my wit's end trying to figure out how I was gonna get through to Cheryl. No matter how much of an effort Sam, Isha, and I tried to put through, she wanted nothing to do with us.
Konner was kinda in the same
leave me alone
category. I had taken Isha's advice and called him twice but had gotten no answer or returned calls. I texted him repeatedly one whole day while I was in class, and still no response. I hoped he wouldn't leave me hanging, but yet he was. I had even gone by the church, but he wasn't there. I left a message with his secretary telling him to call me, but that effort didn't bring the results I wanted either.
So now I was in the mindset of just leaving it alone. I had done everything I could to try to apologize and let him know, if nothing more, that I wanted him in my life as a friend, a minister, or a personal counselor. I didn't have to be a rocket scientist, astronaut, or scientific engineer to realize he clearly wanted to be left alone.
Realizing Konner was out the picture, I focused back on what the Regional Coordinator was saying. “Some of you are looking around and not taking this seriously, but let me be real with you. The school has contacted the sorority, and you ladies are under major investigation. Not only are you in trouble with the school, but the sorority has to look at how we're gonna take action from all this. You know you are not supposed to conduct an activity without an adviser present. Worse than that, no one gave approval to dismiss her. After your vote to dismiss her, the state director and I contacted her to understand why you all removed her, and she's been vagueâmeaning I recognize there is a good chance she caught you all doing something illegal. You all did not go through the proper procedures. I was not advised, and the National President didn't know. You can't just remove someone because you feel she's not capable. Then you guys are playing maverick by standing up for one of you who possibly needs some serious help, if she beat up a young lady like that. We got word that the other girl is pressing charges, and if you guys don't understand what probation means and that you were to have a squeaky-clean year, y'all might have to be the first to go down in history for destroying this Alpha chapter because of your foolishness.”
The room was more silent than a graveyard. All my chapter sorors looked uneasy. They weren't having to deal with the possibility of losing their lives to AIDS, but it was highly probable they were losing their letters. Now they felt like I didâscared to death.
The stern Regional Coordinator continued. “It seems your chapter is more about hazing, boasting, and partying. Actually, Grand Chapter is not about any of those things at all. We wear our letters with pride, but we don't have to boast and brag about who we are. People see our work based on our deeds, not on our words. But when you conduct horrific actions, like break what our policies say by getting rid of someone because she's holding you accountable for being the best collegiate you can be, some things have to change. If the whole chapter isn't suspended, quite a lot of you will be. From this moment on, you guys will not have any activities. And the only way I will consider a recommendation to the National President for this chapter not to be removed is if you comply with the school to come clean and make the girl who fought come forward. You must also get your adviser, Dr. Garnes, to serve with you all again. She is not your ex-adviser, because we did not grant your request to terminate her service.”
“But we don't want her!” Torian yelled, and Loni yanked her back in her seat. Other sorors screamed out, “Shhh!”
Angrily, the Regional Coordinator said, “Yeah, you all better quiet down, whoever that is, because this is not about what you all want. Grand Chapter knows what is best and what is needed. If you can't comply, no more Alpha chapter. That is definitely not a threatâit's a promise. Handle your business.”
Â
As Sam and I arrived back at our place from the meeting with the Regional Coordinator, both of us were stunned. With eyes wide open, as if we'd just witnessed a historical event or something, we were shocked to see Cheryl perched at our front door. Sam immediately went over and hugged her tight. The grip wasn't reciprocated, but as I looked at Cheryl and saw her eyes tear up, I knew she appreciated it.
“Hey, Sam, I need to talk to Cassidy,” Cheryl said, staring at me with a face I could not read.
“Sure, girl,” Sam responded as she came out of the hug, straightening up Cheryl's shirt that had been messed up during the embrace.
Before unlocking the door and going inside, Sam peered over at me as if to say
Please take care of my friend. Please don't say anything to make Cheryl upset
. I nodded at Sam, signaling to her that I understood.
When Sam was inside and Cheryl and I shared the privacy of the outside air, she said, with no emotion, “I need you to go with me.”
“Okay,” I said, without knowing where we were going. As Cheryl moved toward her car, I thought about the fact that the chick may still hate my guts, so I wisely asked, “Where?”
She walked back to me and got really close, so close that I could feel her breath on my skin as she said, “I owe you a big apology. I've been so mad at you and others in the chapter for not telling me what kind of monster Al Dutch was, when all I had to do was live by God's word and keep my legs closed in the first place. I wouldn't be in such a predicament.”
Hearing her apologize was tough to take. I still felt responsible and didn't want to be off the hook. However, I knew, to connect with her again, she had to forgive me. Deep down I knew I was wrong for showing Al Dutch I was willing to give it up at the party that night; so, too, was Cheryl ultimately responsible for giving in to him herself.
Cheryl continued, “Well, now it's time for me to face the music. I've gotten so many e-mails, phone calls, and texts about you not wanting to get tested. Now it's time to go. We both may be infected, maybe both not, and maybe only one, I don't know. But we need to know, Cassidy. As many people offered to go with me to find out what was going on, I knew there was one person who understood how uneasy all this feels. And if you came all the way to my crib that night you found out, I need to help you through this as well. I guess what I'm saying is, if you can come to me and let me know that your heart is breaking and that we are both carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, I know now that I can't care only about myselfâI have to care about you, too.”
Cheryl's words were profound. We did need to get through this together. Like a person with a horrible toothache dreading to go to the dentist, so, too, had I been putting off going to get the HIV test.
“Let's go deal with our consequences. We both have to do this,” she said as she gripped my hand.
Without hesitating I said, “Okay. But I need to make one more stop.”
Cheryl said, “Cool.”
I had Cheryl drive to Ginger's dorm. She and I hadn't talked in a couple weeks. She had called and left messages, but just like Cheryl had done with me, I hadn't returned them. Ginger's support and concern had suddenly sunk in.
Cheryl stayed in the car, and I went up to talk to Ginger. I told her where the two of us were going. She said she had an appointment for the following week, but why put it off? She grabbed her purse, and the three of us were off to the clinic where Al Dutch had been tested.
As we sat in the waiting room, none of us spoke. Ginger couldn't stop fidgeting, and Cheryl couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop praying.
Silently I chatted with God.
Lord, right now the three of us are getting ready to go through with this HIV test. I know You're always on Your game, but today is a big day for Ginger, Cheryl, and me. Could You help us out and only give us news that is best?
17
GRATEFUL
T
he next two weeks were brutal as I waited for the results from my HIV test. Thank goodness I had school projects and sorority drama to occupy my mind. Otherwise I would have lost it again. Every day I went to the mailbox, nervous, to see if there was an envelope from the clinic, and I was relieved when there wasn't so I wouldn't have to deal with the outcome one way or the other.
But one particular day after I put in my key and opened the mailbox for our apartment, I felt a panic attack coming on when I saw the clinic's name at the top of the letterhead.
PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL
were stamped on the outside of the white envelope for Cassidy Cross. The time to find out my fate was now.
Also keeping me sane was the fact that I had been studying God's word. If there was one thing I had learned it was that God won't give you more than you can bear. Believing in my faith, I tore into the envelope. Now was the time for me to deal with it. Whatever it was I had to face, I wouldn't have to do it alone.
Slowly I read the words:
Cassidy Cross, you have tested negative for the HIV virus. Please be advised that we recommend two more sets of testing over the next six months
.
The letter had more instructions, but I needed to speak to the doctor to make sure I was cleared for now. Immediately rushing to the phone to dial the clinic, I got on my knees as the phone rang. God had done me a favor, and before I did anything else, I had to express my gratitude.
“Lord,” I called out, “thank you, thank you, thank you. I've learned a big lesson. I know I'm not out of the woods, but thank you, Lord. It feels like a mountain has been moved from my heart.”
“Dr. Oak's office. May I help you?” the lady said, cutting off my praise.
Gathering my thoughts, I said, “Yes, this is Cassidy Cross. I just had some HIV testing done.”
“Yes, Ms. Cross, this is Nurse Stevens. How may I help you?” the sweet voice said.
“I just received my letter.”
“Great, do you have any questions about the results?”
“Yes, may I speak to the doctor?”
Nurse Stevens said, “She has just come out from seeing a patient. If you hold just a second, I'll get her on the line.”
Moments later, the doctor said, “Yes? Dr. Oak.”
“Yes, Doc, it's Cassidy Cross. I just got my results.”
“Let me just pull up your results, Cassidy. Here we go. Yes, you are HIV negative. I'm very happy for you. Again, we do recommend more testing. I don't know if you read the letter in its entirety. It doesn't mean you're completely out of the woods, but this is a great sign, so you should be relieved.”
“Yes, ma'am, I am. How do I do the other testing? When do I set it up?”
“I'd say come in to the clinic in three months. Then come three months after that. I don't recommend any sexual activity. Only abstinence keeps you completely safe from possibly spreading anything to someone else. Do you understand?” the doctor said.
“Yes, ma'am, I understand,” I said and I hesitated. “My friendsâyou know, the three of us came in there togetherâI don't want to call somebody and have their results not be like mine.”
“I do understand, but I cannot give out any information on another patient. Friendships are very important; you need them. You hear what I'm saying?”
“Yes, doc, I think I do.”
“Okay, well, take care,” she said.
As I hung up the phone, my hands started to shake. The doctor couldn't give me personal confidential information, but she had told me enough. Sister to sister, I had gotten it. One, if not both, of my girls hadn't been given the same great news I had. Now I just had to figure out what I was going to do about it. How would I want someone to deal with me if my test had come back positive? Would I want to be left alone or not?
Realizing I would want comfort, I quickly got into my car and went over to Cheryl's house. I'd be able to tell what was up without even asking her. Sure enough, when I saw her, she was open arms, hugging me, screaming until she realized she didn't know what my results said.
And then she asked, “You cool, too? Everything all right?”
“Yes!” I let out with the joy of a bride walking down the aisle.
“What about your friendâhave you talked to her? You know, the girl on the dance team?” Cheryl asked.
“I'm going to go see her now,” I said, realizing Ginger may need me badly.
Still happy from her news, Cheryl said, “You want me to come? I know we've all got something to celebrate. I just know it.”
“No, I don't even know if she's home or whatever. You enjoy the moment,” I said, trying not to give away my concern for Ginger.
“Okay, call me later. I'm so happy. I thought I was going to lose my life, Cassidy. I know I have to take some more tests, but this is good, this is great. Call me later,” she said as we hugged.
Now I knew Ginger's results. What could I say to encourage her? I went over to Ginger's house and heard crying before she even came to the door.
“It's meâlet me in, please. It's Cassidy.” She opened the door and waited for me to give her my fate.
“Please tell me you're okay. I don't want both of us to have to go through this. I was just with him too much in the summer, I guess.”
“Well, it takes only one time. Don't beat yourself up about it.”
“Are you okay?” she asked, waiting for my test results to be shared.
“For now I'm negative. I do have to have other testing,” I said, not trying to be too excited.
“Oh, my God, I've been praying you're okay,” Ginger said unselfishly as she gave me an embrace of joy. “I don't know how I'm going to get through this. How am I going to tell my parents? What kind of future will I have?”
Smiling, I said, “You're going to be okay. They have treatment plans. What's awesome is that you know.”
Trying to stay sane, Ginger said, “Yeah, I talked to Dr. Oak, and she said there's so much we'll be able to do.”
“Isn't that good news?” I said as she wiped her tears.
“Yeah, I'm looking on the bright side. Thanks for coming by. You're okay, and you came by to check on me. You're a good person, Cassidy.”
“I'm glad you're okay. We're both going to be okay,” I said, hugging her tight.
I meant it. We were both going to be all right. I knew God had us both.
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Isha and Sam were overjoyed with the fact that Cheryl and I had received great news from our tests. They took us to get ice cream. They took us to the nail shop. They took us to the movies. They just were loving on us and letting us know how happy they were for us.
I didn't take it for granted that I had friends who cared so much. And though I had personal joy, I made sure I stayed connected to Ginger as well. Everyone knew she'd been tested, and everyone knew she wasn't out around the campus celebrating and giving testimony about how she had come through this time and would make sure she was never so promiscuous again. When everyone would ask me what was up with her and what her results were, I just avoided the question, and that in and of itself gave them their answer. Ginger and I spent time on the Internet looking up information about what she was going through, and we also went to the library and found a tone of inspiring news. There was medicine she was going to be able to take on a regular basis, and just like celebrities who had come out about having HIV and had not gotten AIDS because of treatment, we felt that all hope was not lost.
I was visiting Ginger in her apartment one day when my cell rang. I looked down and was surprised to see it was Torian. What did she want with me? She and I didn't hang out, and we weren't the best of friends. I was actually shocked to get her call, and I wasn't going to answer it. But when I didn't pick it up the first time, she immediately called back again.
“Yeah?” I answered, a little huffy, letting her know she was catching me in the middle of something.
Not caring what I was doing, Torian boldly said, “We need to talk to you. We're trying to get our adviser back, and the chapter wants me to go talk to her. I'm not really down for all that. I was trying to see if you would do it.”
“Are you kidding?” I let out in frustration.
She was the one who had been so vocal about getting the chapter to oust our adviser in the first place. Now she didn't think she needed to apologize? Why did she think I'd do her dirty work for her?
“Maybe that didn't come out right. I need your help, Cassidy,” Torian said, understanding that she was ticking me off.
Sighing and tired of the bull, I said, “She's not going to listen to me. I tried to get her to help us before, and basically she said thanks, but no thanks. That bridge is burned for good.”
“Maybe you didn't try hard enough. I know she likes you.”
“That's just it, Torian, she liked all of us. We should not have let her go in the first place. Our chapter is gone, because she's not coming back,” I said.
“Listen, I didn't call you to bash me. She forced my hand; she got in our business. Advisers aren't supposed to run our chapter. Really, they're supposed to advise, not demand. She crossed the line, and weâmost of usâtold her to leave.”
“Well, then, weâmost of y'allâneed to tell her to come back. Maybe she'll hear you out, even though I'm sure she's heard from the state director and the Regional Coordinator to know that if y'all don't get her back, we don't have a chapter. With her knowing that, holding that card, you'll have to hold your breath. And when you hold your breath I suggest you not be under water, because when you let go, Alpha chapter will be sunk.”
“Whatever. I don't even know what you're talking about.”
“Don't get amnesia. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not going to help you. Bye,” I said, hanging up.
“I was so bummed out that I didn't pledge,” Ginger said to me, trying to help me calm down. “Now I'm going through this, and I wish I had sisters to be there for me like you're there to help me through this.”
“Sisterhood is good, but sometimes, just like you have family that's crazy, you get some sisters who think you're supposed to do anything for them, and it's just not like that. You can't bail people out all the time. How are they going to learn a lesson?”
“I guess that's just it. When you truly care for people, you want to go through the hard lessons for themâI mean, I feel like I'm going through this HIV thing so you don't have to,” Ginger said.
“Well, I still have more tests.”
“Yeah, but there's a big chance you're fine, and that gives me hope to keep going on. I'm carrying some of the weight of it all from both of our bad choices. Shouldn't you carry some of the weight for your sisters who don't always do the right thing? We all make mistakes, but how long should we have to pay for them, you know?”
“Yeah, but you and I realized our bad choices. We were with a jerk. This girl doesn't even realize she was wrong.”
“So maybe you should talk to her about that and not just turn your back and hang up on her. I don't know, forget it,” Ginger said, really making me think.
Immediately, I thanked Ginger and told her to call me anytime. Soon as I got in my car, I called Torian. She met me at my house, and we had a severe heart-to-heart.
“I know I was wrong,” Torian admitted. “I was just around a whole bunch of our sorors when we last talked. I know it's stupid, but I didn't want people hearing me feel weak. However, it's killing me to know that I'm basically the reason our chapter might not be in existence anymore. People followed me, and I led them into a hot mess. I just need you to go with me to talk to her. I'll apologize. I was wrong.”
I set up a meeting the next day with our ex-adviser. She heard both of us out, and Torian was surprisingly extremely forthcoming about the err of her ways. Reluctantly, our adviser agreed to come back. I learned that Ginger was right. Everyone deserves a second chance, particularly when they felt really bad for their mistake. Everything was working out for us Betas. We had unity again, and now we had an adviser. We at least had a fighting chance to stay on campus. But what would happen with Cheryl?
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Another week passed, and things were coming together. I had gotten a good bill of health at least for the next couple months, I was ready for my exams, and I had great grades, so I knew my scholarship would stay intact.
My mom and I had been in contact, and she had confessed so much about her past that had been painful for her. Hearing things I didn't know was bringing us closer. She felt so bad about everything I had gone through with my uncle Bill. Like me, she and my aunt Sally were in counseling.