Gone to the Dogs (26 page)

The Chinook is a potentially great obedience breed. I could be wrong about the deal between God and the AKC, and, of course, the UKC is a separate organization. Do canine souls migrate from registry to registry? From breed to breed? Could an AKC golden retriever return as a UKC Chinook? Just in case, I plan to spend a lot of time hanging around UKC obedience rings. I’ll sit next to a lot of Chinooks. I’ll cheat.

S
USAN
C
ONANT
, a recipient of a 1991 Maxwell Award for Fiction Writing, lives in Massachusetts with her husband, two cats, and two Alaskan malamutes. Hew work has been published in
Pure-Bred Dogs/American Kennel Gazette
and
Dog World
. She is a member of the Alaskan Malamute Club of America and is the state coordinator of the Alaskan Malamute Protection League. Susan is the author of dog lover’s mysteries.

If you enjoyed Susan Conant’s
Gone to the Dogs
, you will want to read her dog lover’s mystery,
Bloodlines
, now available at your local bookseller.

Here is a special preview of
Bloodlines
.

BLOODLINES
A Dog Lover’s Mystery
by
Susan Conant

I was writing a story about a tattoo artist in Newport, Rhode Island, who specializes in engraving dead-likeness portraits of dogs on the bodies of their owners. Her professional name—maybe even her real name—is Sally Brand, and she got started in dogs because she was tired of cover-ups.

Cover-ups?
Seaman First Class Jack Doe comes home with “Jack and Jill Forever” freshly and painfully emblazoned on his forearm only to discover that Jill’s deserted him or that the one he really loves isn’t Jill after all but the inconveniently polysyllabic Millicent. The tattoo’s a misfit, right? What he needs is a cover-up. So Sally would update
Jill
to
Millicent
, which can’t have been easy; or if the sailor had soured on love, she’d incorporate the entire original tattoo into the head of black panther, which, Sally tells me, will camouflage anything; or, in the case of an unabashedly narcissistic Jack Doe, she’d cover up the
and Jill
with a pair of frolicking dolphins or an ebony-black-ink rococo anchor, thus leaving only the reliably apt “Jack Forever.”

One night, though, when yet another sailor strolled into Sally Brand’s storefront parlor and asked her to immortalize yet one more transitory human relationship on his upper back, Sally finally wised up and asked, “Hey, fella, you happen to own a dog?” So the guy pulled out his wallet and produced a photo of a Dalmatian with the unimaginative name of Spot. Sally’d done lots of Rottweilers and Dobermans before, but the images had been more or
less generic. The head of Spot was her first real portrait. The rest is tattoo history. Human relationships are only skin deep. They’re laborious, painful, and expensive to correct. But with dogs? With dogs, there are no misfits.

I first heard of Sally Brand at Crane’s Beach, where I saw her work on the heavily muscled chest of a top handler named Larry Wilson, whose tattooed brace of Obedience Trial Champion black standard poodles not only looked just like the originals but even wagged their tails when he flexed his pectorals.

I was so crazy about the idea that I originally had only one question: Where? Rowdy is my right hand, after all, so that seemed like a good idea. But what about Kimi? Both of them? That felt better: two Alaskan malamutes, one on each upper arm, forever eyeing one another across my breasts. Then the guilt set in. What if Vinnie happened to peer down from above? Never having missed a thing on this earth, Vinnie could hardly be expected to overlook the sudden appearance of a sled dog on each of my biceps and the simultaneous nonappearance of a golden retriever bitch anywhere on my body. How could I explain it to her?
Sorry, Vinnie, but there just wasn’t room for everyone?
I mean, how do you tell the best obedience dog you’ll ever own that she got edged out by a pair of
malamutes
, for God’s sake? So I could hardly leave Vinnie out. Off. Not to mention Danny or Cookie or any of the others, even poor Rafe, who was terrified of everything, especially needles.

As I sat at the kitchen table writing up the notes of my interview with Sally Brand, I was still trying to decide
where
and also worrying about
who
and
how many
. Then the phone rang, thus probably saving me from becoming the first tattooed lady ever exhibited by the American Kennel Club.

Four or five times a year, I pick up the receiver
to discover that someone’s dialed my number by mistake. This call, though, was definitely for me: It was about a dog—not just any dog, either, but an Alaskan malamute.

“Holly?”

Holly Winter. Kute with a
k
, right? Welcome to purebred dogdom. And, no, the two litters whelped just before mine weren’t Samoyeds or malamutes or anything else Christmasy. They were golden retrievers, but, yes, of course: December. Woof woof. Let me reassure you, though, and while I’m at it, let me remind myself: Although I’m a member in good standing of the Dog Writers’ Association of America, this is not one of those tales—doubtless spelled
t a i l s
—told from the dog’s point of view. I don’t object to the dog’s point of view, of course; I just don’t know what it is. Although I’ve spent most of life trying to imagine it, I still see it only through a glass, darkly, which is to say that, from what I can discern, it is remarkably like God’s face. Anyway, I admitted to being myself.

My caller was Barbara Doyle. You know her? Well, if you show your dogs, you’ve seen Barbara. She has shepherds. (Foreigner? German shepherd dogs. Good ones, too.) She’s a few years older than I am, I think—maybe in her midthirties—and she’s kind of frail and romantic-looking. We train together at the Cambridge Dog Training Club.

“I happened to be at Puppy Luv this morning,” she said flatly. Like most experienced dog handlers, Barbara has complete control of her tone of voice: Even though she had known what to expect from me, she did not sound ashamed, apologetic, defensive, or challenging. Puppy Luv is a Cambridge pet shop that sells my living birthright for a mess of green pottage, lots of green pottage, but pottage nonetheless.

My own control slipped. I may even have yelled.
In fact, I’m sure I did, because Rowdy and Kimi, who’d been enjoying a morning doze on the kitchen floor, opened their gorgeous brown eyes and lifted their beautiful heads. Anyway, what I yelled was: “What were you
doing
there?” Barbara Doyle isn’t a pet shop kind of person. In fact, she’s a sire-won-the-national-specialty, dam-went-Best-of-Opposite-at-Westminster kind of person.

“Ran out of food,” Barbara said, meaning, of course,
dog
food and not just any old kibble, either, but premium chow. “I know, I know,” she added, anticipating the lecture that was already dripping from my lips like drool from the mouth of a Newfoundland. “I got the smallest bag they had. I never buy from that place. The point is, you do malamute rescue, don’t you?”

“A little,” I said. “Hardly any.” I’d placed a few malamutes, sure, but most of my so-called rescue work had consisted of racking up giant phone bills while failing to find good homes for great dogs. Alaskan malamutes are big and strong, and, of course, they shed their coats, but that’s not why they’re hard to place. All rescue dogs, including all purebreds, are hard to place, all for the same reason: They aren’t puppies.

“Well, there’s a malamute at Puppy Luv,” Barbara said. “I thought you might want to know.”

“Damn.”
Buy on impulse, neglect at leisure
. That’s the real motto of every pet shop that sells dogs. “Damn it,” I said. “Are you sure it’s a malamute?”

The question wasn’t quite as stupid as it probably sounds. Alaskan malamutes are much bigger and brawnier than Siberian huskies. A malamute’s ears are set on the sides of the head, but a Siberian’s ears are set high, and a Siberian’s ears are fairly large in proportion to the size of the head, too, medium size,
not smallish like a malamute’s. A Siberian has a fox tail, like a brush, but a mal’s tail is plumed and carried over the back. A Siberian has blue eyes or brown eyes or even one blue and one brown, but all malamutes have brown eyes. In brief, the two breeds are nothing alike, totally distinct, impossible to confuse, except—well, except that a great big brown-eyed Siberian husky looks quite a bit like a small malamute with a tail and ears that don’t conform to the breed standard.

“According to the sign,” Barbara said. “And it’s a
big
puppy.”

“Brown eyes?”

“Yeah. I took a good look. I just thought you might want to know.”

“I do,” I said mechanically. “Thanks.”

Now that I knew, I’d have to do something. Or do nothing. Neither prospect felt good. Do you understand why? If so, and especially if you love dogs, stick around anyway, huh? It started that Friday morning in February when Barbara Doyle called to tell me about a malamute for sale in a pet shop. It ended less than a week later. If a dog had died during that time, I’d warn you right now. I promise. I wouldn’t want to hear about it, either, you know. I wouldn’t ask you to listen. Honest to
God
spelled backward.

“Barbara could be wrong, you know,” I told Rowdy and Kimi, who sat directly in front of me as I stroked their white throats. As I often remind them, they are certainly the two most beautiful and intelligent Alaskan malamutes in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and possibly in the entire world.

After I’d hung up the phone, I went into the bathroom to wash my face in cold water. Then I returned to the kitchen and reseated myself at the table,
where I discovered that one of the two most beautiful and intelligent Alaskan malamutes in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and possibly in the entire world, had emptied the cup of milky tea I’d carelessly left in reach. Wet tan splotches dotted my pages of notes about Sally Brand. The dogs’ black noses were wet, their muzzles white and dry, their expressions happy and innocent. When the sugar bowl is licked clean, the culprit is apt to be Rowdy. The shredded remains of a grease-soaked pizza carton mean that Kimi’s raided the trash. She’s usually the one who removes the ripening bananas and tomatoes from the kitchen windowsills, but Rowdy shares her spoils. I can even identify who’s eaten what where: Kimi swallows the tomatoes whole, but Rowdy leaves a puddle of juice and seeds. Rowdy is fantastically adept at peeling bananas; a slimy brown and yellow mess bearing visible tooth marks means Kimi. An empty teacup, though, can be either one. When I warn prospective adopters that Alaskan malamutes are big, strong dogs that shed, I should probably add that they’re opportunistic predators as well. On the other hand, they are highly intelligent listeners.

“So,” I went on, “all I do is go take a look, and then I call Siberian Husky Rescue and break the news, and then, too bad, but it’s their problem, not mine.”

Have I lost you? Most pet shop dogs get flown in from the Midwest. The puppies are in crates, the papers aren’t, and whoever picks up the pups at the airport matches up the puppies and papers. Got a fifty-five-pound pet shop “malamute” with pretty blue eyes? Well, now you know why. Don’t let it worry you, though. Siberians are great dogs, too. Oh, but you wanted a
malamute?
What can I say? The obvious, I guess: You should have gone to a breeder.

The dogs gazed soulfully at me. Objectively
speaking, they really are beautiful. If you’re not used to our New England malamutes—Kotzebues—they’d look small to you, I guess, even though they’re considered big around here. Rowdy’s permanent diet usually keeps him reduced to eighty-five or ninety pounds, and Kimi weighs seventy-five, which happens to be ideal for a bitch. They’re both dark wolf gray with white undercoats and white trim—white feet, legs, underbellies, and the undersides of their tails—but Kimi has some pale beige-tan, too. Their faces, though, are distinct: Rowdy has what’s called an “open face.” Yes, I know. It sounds like a Danish topless sandwich, but it means all white, in contast to black facial markings like Kimi’s. She has the works, a full mask: black cap, black bar down her nose, and black eye goggles. Her eyes are deep brown but slightly lighter than Rowdy’s. His are so dark that you have to look closely in good light to see the line between the pupil and the iris. I might also mention in passing that Rowdy happens to have
the
ideal malamute head, rounded over the skull, with standard-epitomizing wedge-shaped ears set on the sides of his head precisely where they belong. Oh, and a nice blocky muzzle, too. Thick bones. Great front. And rear. And you really should see him move. Very typey dog. Breed champion, finished easily. Have I digressed?

Oh, yes. Puppy Luv. I’d never entered the place before. Ever since I’d started writing my monthly column for
Dog’s Life
, I’d been warning my readers that pet shops that sell dogs support the puppy mill industry, and I’d urged my readers and everyone else not to buy so much as a single toy-size dog biscuit at a place like Puppy Luv. Obviously, then, I wouldn’t have gone there to replenish my supply of food, collars, leads, Vari-Kennels, Redi-Liver, Souper-size Nylabones, Gumabone Plaque Attackers, Boodabones,
Nylaflosses, chew-resistant Frisbees, undercoat rakes, wire slicker brushes, shampoos, coat conditioners, flea-control products, or any of the other bare necessities of life. In truth? I’d never entered the place because I’d been afraid to see a malamute puppy for sale there. Yes, I know. I should have been upset at the prospect of seeing any puppy of
any
breed sold to any dog-ignorant, dog-negligent, and maybe even dog-abusive credit card carrier who’d plunk down a Visa Gold. And I was distressed, too. But I cared more about my own breed than I did about the others. Not every human being
values
a great listener. Some people don’t
want
a fascinating companion who takes an active, intelligent interest in the world. Many people don’t
enjoy
a dog who’s a mental and emotional equal. The average person does not actually
relish
being dragged along the street like a sledge on the permafrost. In brief, the Alaskan malamute is the wrong breed for most people, and one of the worst breeds for someone who should never own a dog at all.