Goddess Interrupted (19 page)

No. Henry was the one who’d given up. He was the one who’d declared it over the moment he refused to touch me or treat me like his wife. He was the one who’d lost us somewhere; I was only giving up the search, as well. There was nothing I could do, no magical words I could say to fix everything if he’d already abandoned us.

“Cannot do what, exactly?” said Henry, and I heard the strain in each word he spoke, as if it took monumental effort for him to form them. My palms were sweaty, and more than anything I wanted to take it back and apologize and beg for him to talk to me so we could figure this out, but he wasn’t going to do that. And even if he did, tomorrow things would go back to this, and neither of us would ever be happy again. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do that to me.

“This,” I said softly. “Us. Last year, when we were—before we were married, I thought
now
would be perfect, and that I would be happier than I’ve ever been in my life, getting to be with you. Getting to love you for the rest of eternity. But no matter how much I want to love you, you won’t let me, and I can’t do this anymore.”

Henry didn’t move. I wanted him to come over to the bed, to take my hand and tell me he was sorry, that he’d try harder, but he didn’t. He stared at the door instead. “May I ask what precipitated this decision?”

There it was, the elephant in the room. The thing I wasn’t supposed to see. The thing that changed everything. “You kissed Persephone.”

At once, several emotions passed over his face. Shock, shame, humiliation, anger, pain—relief? Yes, relief, as well. “I did not expect her to tell you. I am sorry.”

Dead silence. Out of all the things I thought he might say, that had never crossed my mind. “That’s your response?” I blurted. “That you’re sorry I found out? Persephone didn’t tell me, Henry. It was this so-called
gift
. I was in the room with you. I saw every damn second of it. I heard every single word you said to her. I
watched
you do it.”

I blinked rapidly to stop myself from tearing up again, but I was fighting a losing battle. He didn’t care. He wasn’t even going to pretend he’d done something wrong. “You know what James told me at the end of the summer? He said I had a choice, and he was the only one who was going to tell me about it, because everyone else was so concerned with your happiness that they didn’t give a damn about mine. I told him I’d already made my choice when I’d married you, but he kept insisting I wait. I didn’t understand what he meant, but now I do.”

“James.” His name was twisted and ugly on Henry’s lips. “Yes, of course he would fool you into second-guessing yourself. For purely selfless reasons, I am certain.”

“I’m not second-guessing myself,” I snapped. “I’m second-guessing
you.
I’ve given you every chance in the world to show me that you want me here, and you’ve given me nothing. You run off whenever you think you’re going to have to be in a room alone with me for more than two minutes at a time. You don’t touch me, you barely talk to me, you haven’t so much as kissed me since I got here, let alone treat me like your wife. Like your equal. James warned me you’d do something like this, and I was stupid enough to insist he was wrong.”

Throwing James in his face again and again was cruel, but I couldn’t stop myself. Out of all the people in my life besides my mother, Henry was the one who was supposed to understand and know me best, not James.

“Then perhaps I should leave you and James be,” said Henry, and the thunder in his voice gave me goose bumps. “Is that what you want, Kate? My permission to be with him? You have it. For spring and summer, you may do whatever you wish with whomever you wish.”

“And what about fall and winter? Am I supposed to sit pretty and wait for the day you decide you love me?”

“I do love you.”

“Then show me.”

“I am trying,” he said sharply. “My apologies if it is not good enough for you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Doing nothing is never going to be good enough, Henry. Right now, from where I’m sitting, it looks like the last thing you want to be is my husband. You can say you love me all you want, but if you only ever act like the opposite’s true, then I can’t trust your words anymore.” My voice cracked. “Dammit—is this what it’s going to be like forever? Tell me now. Save me the misery if you’re never going to look at me the way you look at Persephone.”

“I cannot simply stop feeling something for her,” said Henry through clenched teeth. “She was part of my life for a very long time.”

“I know. I
know
you love her. I’m not asking you to forget she ever existed—I’m asking you to put her in the past, where she belongs, and live your future with me, not a ghost.”

Henry’s throat constricted. “That is what I am trying to do.”

“But you’re not.” I ran my fingers through my hair, frustration building up inside of me. “Henry, you kissed her.”

“She kissed me.”

“It doesn’t matter.” I slammed my hand down on the mattress, and Pogo scurried underneath my pillow. “Don’t you get that? You wanted it. You enjoyed it. You wanted more once it was over. And everything she was trying to show you—she doesn’t love you anymore, don’t you get that? I do. I love you, and you’re going to lose me because you’re too afraid or too—too uninterested or—I don’t know. I don’t know why you won’t let me love you the way I want to.”

I waited for Henry to say something, anything to help me understand, but he was silent. Wildly I searched through every excuse I’d made for him since arriving, every possibility that had occurred to me. Anything that would explain the man I loved turning into a stranger.

The thing he’d said to Persephone, the reason why he’d bolted from the throne room that afternoon. “Is it because you think Calliope’s going to kill me the moment you let yourself feel something real for me? Because I’m immortal now, Henry. She can’t kill me anymore.”

“Cronus can.” The words came out so choked that I hardly understood them, but there it was. His excuse. I softened.

“Cronus didn’t.” I slid to the edge of the bed, close enough for him to reach me in two steps, but he stayed put. “He hunted us down, and when he had the chance to kill me, he didn’t.”

Finally Henry looked at me, his eyes glittering with confusion, but I kept going. If I let him change the subject, I would never be able to finish this.

“You don’t need to spend every waking moment protecting me now. I’m supposed to be your partner, not your burden, and if that’s all I’m ever going to be to you, then I don’t want to be here anymore. I want you to love me. I want to look forward to coming here every fall. I want winter to be my favorite season because I get to spend it with you. So tell me that’s going to happen, Henry. Tell me things are going to be better, that you’re not going to think of Persephone every time you touch me. Tell me that you’re going to love me as much as you love her, and that I won’t spend the rest of eternity paling in comparison to your memories of my sister.”

Silence.

“Please,” I whispered. “I’m begging you. If you don’t…if you don’t, I’m going to leave. And I don’t mean for the summer. I’m going to leave the Underworld, and I won’t come back.”

He flinched, and I instantly knew I’d said the wrong words, but I couldn’t take them back now. “Perhaps that is best,” he said. “You will be safer on the surface, and the others can protect you.”

“I don’t need protecting.” I was crying in earnest now, and my throat was thick and my voice strangled, but I kept going. “I need to know I’m not going to be miserable for the rest of my life.”

“I should not be your only source of happiness,” said Henry stiffly. “If that is so—”

“It isn’t. You’re not. I have my mother and Ava and—”

“James,” he finished for me, and I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but I didn’t want to lie to him. James was my best friend. “Yes, I am aware. I will not give you an excuse to leave. If you wish to do so, then there is the door. I am sure James will be happy to have you all to himself. Now, if you will excuse me, I have preparations to make.”

I opened my mouth to tell him where he could shove his assumptions, but his last words caught me off-guard. “Preparations for what? What’s so important that you have to leave when we’re in the middle of this?”

“My apologies,” he said coolly. “I thought you had already made your decision to abandon me.”

I snatched a pillow from behind me and hurled it at him. Without moving an inch, he deflected it before it was halfway to him. “You’re a jerk,” I snapped. “If this is how you treated Persephone, then you know what? I don’t blame her for leaving you. In fact, she was an idiot for waiting so long.”

Unspeakable agony flashed across Henry’s face, and I clapped my hand over my mouth the moment I realized what I’d said. “Oh, god, I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

“Yes, you did,” he said. “You meant every word.”

I buried my face in my hands and stifled a hiccupping sob. My lungs burned, and all I wanted to do was curl up on the bed and cry, but I couldn’t. Not when Henry was here. Not when he was finally talking to me. “I hate this,” I whispered. “I hate fighting with you. I’m not asking for the moon and the stars, I promise. I just want you to love me, to want me, to spend time with me, to
talk
to me.”

“And you expect to achieve that by behaving like this?” he said. “You believe that saying such things to me will somehow make me forget the eons I have already lived?”

“As opposed to what? Not saying anything at all? I’ve tried giving you time. I’ve tried risking my life to save yours. I’ve tried everything I can think of, but when you won’t even talk to me—”

“Henry.”

I looked up at the sound of Walter’s voice. He stuck his head in the door, and as he focused on Henry, he pointedly ignored me. I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful or offended.

“We are about to begin,” he said, and Henry nodded tersely. As soon as the door shut, Henry released a breath as if he’d been holding it for centuries.

“We may continue this later, if you wish, but I must go now. We are planning for the battle.” He hesitated. “Titans are strongest on the solstices, and we expect Cronus will escape completely sometime in late December, so there is not much time.”

I closed my eyes. If I hadn’t been stupid enough to sneak into the cavern, Persephone would have handled things, and none of this would be happening. “Would you mind if I took a day or two before I left? I want to say goodbye to everyone.”

At first Henry said nothing, but finally he nodded. “Take as long as you need.”

He was halfway out the door when I blurted, “Can I visit you sometime?”

In the moment it took him to turn to face me again, I thought I saw a hint of a smile, but it was gone before I could be sure. “Whatever happens between us, Kate, I will always want to be your friend. It—” He paused. “It is more than I have had before.”

More than what Persephone had given him. That brought me a small amount of comfort, though the distance in his voice kept me from smiling. “I’ll come see you sometime.”

“Then I will do what I can to ensure that you will not come back to an empty palace.”

“I— What?” He thought he wasn’t coming back? Or was he going to fade? Die in battle with Cronus? Did it even matter? “Henry, what do you—”

Before I could finish, thunder rumbled in the room, and Henry blinked out of sight, leaving me alone with fear and questions with no answers. I hurried to the door and threw it open, hoping in vain he’d be there, but I was alone.

It was over.

Chapter Sixteen
Battlefield

Henry didn’t come back after the meeting ended.

I stayed in our bedroom all day as I waited for him, preparing what I was going to say over and over again in my head, but nothing sounded right. Demanding the things I wanted from him—needed from him—wouldn’t fix anything. He had to decide to change; to work on this with me. To treat me like an equal and do whatever it took to keep our relationship alive. I couldn’t do it for him, and no amount of pressure was going to help. If anything, it would drive him away.

However, short of a miracle, I was leaving. I’d set aside the clothes I was going to bring with me, and all day I thought about what I was going to do and where I was going to go. I didn’t know anyone else on the surface, and I had no idea how the others lived. Did they have homes like Henry did? Did Mount Olympus really exist? Did they have mortals they loved and stopped in to see every few years?

Part of the reason I wanted to delay my trip was to give Henry the chance to realize what had gone wrong between us, along with the opportunity to fix it. We wouldn’t be perfect in a day, I knew that, but there was a chance he would try. In the end, that was all I really wanted.

However, the other reason I was delaying was simply because I didn’t know what to do. I could ask my mother, I supposed, or James or Ava, but they were planning their strategy to survive a battle with a Titan, and the last thing they needed was something else to worry about. I wasn’t going to abandon the council and walk away from my immortal life, but I didn’t know where to go or how to get there, and for now that was a good enough excuse to stay put.

The day passed slowly. Every time I heard footsteps in the hallway, I held my breath and waited for the door to open, but it was never Henry. My mother checked on me twice, once after the meeting to tell me she would be scarce while helping the others set the trap for Cronus, and the second time to wish me good-night. With each hour that passed, my heart sank a little more, and finally I gave up hope of seeing Henry that night.

I wasn’t tired, but Pogo was. He curled up on the pillow beside me and snored while I stared up at the ceiling and tried to picture how this would end. Would Henry say goodbye? Would he really want me to visit him? Would the other gods ignore me? My mother wouldn’t, and I could count on seeing Ava whenever she grew bored or lonely, but the others—even James I wasn’t sure about, unless he decided to pursue me once I was no longer married. Would I let him? I didn’t know, and I hated myself for my uncertainty. For even thinking about hurting Henry like that, whether we were still together or not.

Well past midnight, the crushing weight of reality set in. Once I left the Underworld, I would likely never see Henry again. I wouldn’t be in his realm and easily accessible, like Persephone was, and I was certain he would never come looking for me. No matter how many promises he made to allow me to visit, the best I could hope for was seeing him at council meetings—if he didn’t decide to fade anyway.

I sobbed softly into my pillow. Everything I’d done since first entering Eden Manor had been to prevent this from happening. I’d done everything I could to save my mother and Ava from death, before I’d known they were goddesses, but while I had failed them both, I hadn’t failed Henry. He still existed because of me, because I loved him, because I’d married him and agreed to rule the Underworld with him. And now I was taking that away from him.

I wanted to stay. He needed me to stay, but I couldn’t live like this anymore. He had to understand—he’d wanted to fade when Persephone had left him, and he’d only stayed after the eleventh girl had died because the council had asked him for one more try. But he wasn’t asking me. He’d told me to go, and so I would.

In the middle of the night, I heard another set of footsteps, and this time there was no knock before the door opened and closed. I pushed myself up on my elbows and squinted through the darkness. “Henry?” I said, stunned. He’d come back—half a day after he said he would, but I wasn’t going to be picky.

He removed his shoes and set them in his closet. “I am sorry for disturbing you. Go back to sleep.”

I couldn’t very well go back to sleep when I hadn’t been sleeping in the first place, but I bit my tongue and watched, certain he’d leave for another bedroom once he was done. He changed into silk pajama pants, and as he walked around the bed to his side, my heart hammered. He was going to sleep in here after all.

“Is it too warm?” he said as he settled in. “You are not underneath the sheets.” He seemed to be keeping as much distance between us as possible in the massive bed. Whether it was because he didn’t want to be near me or because he wanted to give me space, I didn’t know.

“I wasn’t sleeping,” I said. “Is everything with the council okay?”

“As good as things can be at this stage. We have all decided what our roles will be, and we have set a timetable from now until the winter solstice.”

It was still nearly two months away, but with all of the preparation they had to do, what if it wasn’t enough time? How long did it take to build a trap that would hold a Titan? “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I thought you were leaving.”

“If there’s something I can do around here, then I don’t have to go right away.”

“There is something.” He turned on his side facing away from me. “Stay out of trouble, let me know if anything suspicious happens and do not visit Calliope. Other than that, if there is anything specific, I will be sure to let you know.”

I sank down on the bed until my head touched the pillow. I didn’t bother getting under the blankets. “All right,” I said, trying to hide my disappointment. Was that all I was to him now, a burden to be closely watched so I didn’t get myself into more trouble? “Then it’ll make no difference to you if I leave sooner rather than later.”

He was silent. The minutes ticked by, and I stared into the darkness, searching for something to say to him. Anything that would help him understand I wanted to stay, but not like this. Not when he didn’t want me here.

“James and I were never together,” I said quietly. “Whatever you think happened in Greece—it didn’t. We went as friends, and that’s all we were. I waited for you to show up. I looked for you everywhere we went, because I was so sure you’d surprise me, and when you didn’t, it hurt. It was like you didn’t want to see me at all.”

I reached for his hand, but at the last second, I pulled back. I couldn’t handle his physical rejection on top of everything else right now.

“I’m not leaving you for him. I’m not leaving you for anybody, and I never would have gone looking for something better. You
are
my something better, and I wish—I wish I was yours, too.”

Resounding silence filled the room. My heart raced as I waited for him to say something, anything in return, but when he didn’t so much as look at me, disappointment crushed any hope I had left. I turned away from him and buried my face in my pillow, struggling to convince myself that he was tired and had fallen asleep before I’d said a word. I’d waited too long to start, and I couldn’t blame him for that. I would have to make an effort to repeat it in the morning, and if that failed, then at least I would leave knowing I had done everything I could.

“Good night,” I whispered and closed my eyes, certain sleep wouldn’t come anytime soon. Even if it did, all of my dreams would be nightmares filled with Calliope and the moment Persephone had kissed Henry, and nothing was worth reliving that. I’d wait until I was so exhausted that I wouldn’t dream at all.

Without the blankets, the room was cold, and I shivered. The mattress shifted underneath me, and Henry wrapped his arm around me and pressed his chest against my back. He was warm, and his hand searched until he found mine.

“Please don’t leave,” he said, and his lips brushed my neck. I trembled again, but this time for an entirely different reason.

For the rest of the night, neither of us said another word.

* * *

I stayed.

As the weeks passed, we didn’t talk about anything I’d said to Henry or anything he’d said to me. Sometimes he didn’t come back at night, but those were the days when he would reappear exhausted the next morning, and I let myself assume that he was working. We acted friendly toward one another during the few minutes a day we saw each other, but that was all we were. At night, I waited for him before I went to bed, and when he crawled in, he embraced me without a word. He never kissed me and he never apologized, but he wanted me to stay, and that was enough for now.

I made myself scarce as the others prepared for war. I explored the palace, finding each room more or less exactly where it had been in Eden, which made things both easy and dull. One day I attempted to figure out how many rooms there were, but after losing count twice, I stopped.

Sometimes James or Ava found me, and we would spend the day together, talking about nothing in particular and pretending they didn’t look terrible. The upcoming battle was already taking its toll on everyone, but whenever I brought it up, they assured me that they’d been through worse.

I avoided Persephone like the plague, and I didn’t bother to hide it. Whenever she entered a room, I walked out, usually with a ready-made excuse. On the few occasions I was forced to be near her without escape, I kept my head down and stayed quiet, and she never said a word to me. If she felt guilty—or if she thought she’d done the right thing—I didn’t want to hear about it.

Despite how useless I felt, I did get some satisfaction in knowing that at least I wasn’t burdening anyone. I read, I explored, and I kept my word to Henry. I also spent countless hours struggling to harness my ability. Twice I managed flashes, but it was never in the right place. When I wanted to go to Cronus’s cavern, I wound up at Persephone’s cottage, where Adonis tended to the flowers as he waited for her to return. And when I wanted to see what was going on in the meeting, I wound up in the room full of windows again, the one where Henry had kissed Persephone. Or Persephone had kissed Henry. It didn’t matter.

Other than that, I had no success. Whatever step I was missing, I couldn’t figure it out, and despite my mother’s insistence that I would get it eventually, I felt like a failure. No wonder the others didn’t want me helping out in the battle. I wouldn’t want me to help, either.

The closer we got to the winter solstice, the more anxious I became. Whether or not anyone was saying it aloud, all of these preparations were my fault. I’d put Henry in a position where he’d been forced to open the gate. If anything happened to them, it would be on me, and I couldn’t bear that guilt.

Ingrid was the only other thing Henry and I fought about. He didn’t want me to go anywhere near Cronus’s prison, and I insisted on keeping my promise to see her. Finally we compromised, and Henry brought Ingrid to the palace for an afternoon the week before the solstice.

While the others were in the midst of preparing, Ingrid and I wandered through the jeweled gardens, which extended to the edge of a black river that ran through the stone walls on either end of the monstrous cavern. The River Styx.

“I was so close to living here forever,” said Ingrid with a sigh, and we made ourselves comfortable under a golden tree with rubies the size of apples hanging from its branches. “You’re so lucky.”

“I wouldn’t call it luck,” I said, digging my toes into the black sand. “More like nepotism.”

She laughed, and as she settled beside the trunk of the golden tree, I picked one of the rubies and sniffed it. Nothing. If Henry could create these beautiful jewels, why couldn’t he at least give them the illusion of having a scent? I kept the flowers he’d left for me in the Underworld in a crystal bowl in the middle of my closet, and even after all this time, they still smelled like candy. Then again, they were real. Sort of.

I hesitated. “What would you have done if Henry never loved you as much as you wanted him to?”

“We can’t choose how much someone else loves us,” said Ingrid as she dipped a toe into the river and shivered. “He picked me for the test because he thought he’d come to love me like that in time. He wouldn’t have picked you if he didn’t think the same, you know.”

“It doesn’t feel that way,” I mumbled, and when Ingrid pressed me, I told her everything that had happened since we’d returned from Cronus’s cavern. The fight we’d had, what he’d said to me, how he’d told me to leave—and then changed his mind when he’d found out that James and I hadn’t done anything after all. How we’d been cordial since then, but hardly husband and wife. How afraid I was that we never would be.

By the time I was done, Ingrid had her arm around me, and I stared at the jewel in my hand as if it held the answers to every question I’d ever had. “I met Henry when I was seven,” she said as she toyed with a lock of my hair. “It was the early twentieth century, and my parents were German immigrants. We didn’t have any other family in America, so after they died, I lived in an orphanage in New York City.”

“I grew up in New York, too,” I said faintly, and Ingrid smiled.

“I think Henry has a weakness for New Yorkers,” she said. “And girls without much family. I think he feels like it’d be easier for us to love him if we’re already lonely.”

I shook my head. She was right, of course, but that didn’t make it any easier to remember how much Henry hated himself. “I could’ve had a huge family back in the city and loved him all the same.”