Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Since Trey went off
to decide why [you mean if]
he loves me. Messed up!
Brad and I have kept
our thoughts regarding that
night to ourselves, not
easy to do when you’re
spun, and we have been spun
on an ongoing basis.
It’s maintenance spun
now, not really enjoyable spun.
I can nibble soft foods,
sleep fitfully, brain
begging to shut all the way
down. But I’m scared
to shut all the way
down. Scared I might dream.
Scared I might not
wake back up.
On Thursday. I’m fumbling
around in the kitchen, trying
to figure out what to make
for dinner. My head is in
the freezer when the phone
bellows. It takes four rings
to find it, and I’m totally
surprised at who’s on the other
end.
Hi, Kristina? It’s Robyn.
Okay, she’s after something,
and I can guess what.
I don’t
know if you heard, but I left
UOP. I’m working out here
in Moundhouse, and was
hoping you could hook me up.
Moundhouse = whorehouse.
There are several in the little
community, not far from
Nevada’s capital, Carson
City. One was even featured
on a prime-time cable show.
Now, it doesn’t necessarily
surprise me that Robyn is
whoring for the monster, but
I never would have guessed
she’d sink so low as to whore
for truck drivers and tourists.
“Well, maybe I can help you
out.” Don’t want to give it all
up the first time we talk.
“I’ll have to check on it.
But if it’s doable, it will
be on the pricey side.”
Very cool. Some other girls
are interested, too. Can you
and I work out a quantity?
Just like that, I move from low
to midlevel dealer. Good thing
Brad’s connect is bottomless.
Can you come out to the ranch?
I’ll tell them you’re my sister.
Oh, you have to ask for Aphrodite.
Been to a fancy whorehouse
(and believe me, I never have
before!), you might be surprised.
I’m nervous, thinking the Pink
Pussycat will be scary—dark, sweaty,
with lots of peepholes, maybe. But a
better word to describe the place
is gaudy, with plush pink carpeting
and silver and gold brocade covering
the walls. If there are peepholes, they’re
hidden behind paintings of busty
naked women, like in an Old West
saloon. Only pinker. Pink. How
appropriate. It’s early for truckers.
Only a few haunt the “parlor,” perusing
a menu of services and a couple of girls.
Neither men nor girls are what you’d call
attractive. This is no place for romance.
Hey, sis. Long time no see.
Robyn escorts
me to her room, much like she did several
times in the past, only this time she’s dressed
in a purple silk teddy. Her legs are too thin,
her own chest flatter than I remember, and
a thick layer of makeup barely disguises
sores. Monster sores. I chide myself
to slow down before I end up with sores.
Or here.
Robyn’s room is neat.
Guess perverts dislike
having paid-for sex
amidst piles of clutter.
Like everything else here, it’s pink and gold
and sparsely furnished.
It smells of old sweat
and cheap perfume.
Robyn locks the door
and we sit on her bed,
just like in the good ol’
days.
I’m pulling grave
yard so we don’t have
to hurry. Anyway, the
manager is a friend.
That’s how I wound
up here, in fact.
She tells me how she
met the guy, how he
talked her into “easy”
money, working in the
“entertainment industry.”
As she talks, I notice
the way her eyes beg.
“You sure it’s okay to
do the deal in here?”
Her head bobs.
No
problem. I told them
you have some private
news about our mother
and not to interrupt us.
They probably think she
has cancer or something.
Sweet. A little sympathy
goes a long way here.
I can only imagine. I
produce a quarter ounce
of excellent glass and
immediately Robyn’s
hands begin to shake.
She doesn’t only want
the meth. She needs it.
“You can try some if you
want. Where can we go?”
In answer, she opens the
window, turns on a fan
that sits on a small table
by the door.
Right here
is the safest place. I’ll
get the pipe.
I watch her
inhale, eyes popping
pleasure.
Thank God
it’s not street crank.
She talks about the last
crank she snorted, a tip
from a customer. Oh
yeah, truckers love their
crank. And when they’re
all cranked up, they love
other stuff too. The ice
opens her mouth and
she tells me all about it.
Some of ’em are really
gross. I always make
them shower first. No
way will I let something
dirty up inside of me.
Condoms? Yeah, they’re
supposed to wear them.
But they pay a lot extra
if you don’t make them.
They also pay extra for
oral sex and unusual sex,
including threesomes
with other girls. Robyn
claims she’s judicious.
But I know how your
caution can slip, when
you have a threesome
with our pal, the monster.
Feeling slightly better about
myself and a whole lot better
about my own client list, which
has just grown exponentially.
Robyn knows girls at some
of the other ranches too.
Meth is one way they handle
what they do. I guess you could
say it isn’t much different from
trading sex for companionship.
Okay, it’s a helluva lot damn
different. I mean, screwing nasty,
smelly men [without a condom,
yet] to feed your meth habit [no
worries about feeding your face].
The word “condom” reminds
me again that I need to get
in and get on the pill. I’ll
call tomorrow and make
the appointment. And that
reminds me that Trey should
head my way next week. No
calls to confirm, as yet. Anxiety
swims up like a giant squid, snakes
tentacles around my throat. Squeezes.
Brad took the girls to
an Easter egg hunt.
I thought about taking
Hunter, but it’s cold
and he’s just a baby,
anyway. Like he’d
know the Easter bunny
from some giant rodent.
Anyway, it’s a long
drive and I think I’ll
use my time alone to
crash and experience
the snooze of the dead.
Brad traded speed for
some downers. Guess
I’ll have to borrow a
couple. I want to be
good and rested by
the time Trey arrives.
Not that I know exactly
when that might be.
Not that I have a freaking
clue what he might be
up to in the meantime.
I pop an Ambien and
wait, thinking about Trey
and what he might be
doing at this moment. My
head starts to spin, like
riding a Tilt-A-Whirl.
I close my eyes, hang
on tight against loop
the loop in my head.
I’m over the edge….
I rise
up out
of the
depths
into flat
pale light.
Where
am I?
Is it
morning
or night?
Why
are my
legs
sticky?
Sticky red.
Did
I hurt
myself
in sleep?
On purpose?
What
is wrong
with me?
My brain
is mud.
There
goes the Tilt
-A-
Whirl
again.
I’m
spinning
out of
control
again.
Stepping
over
the edge
again.
Pounding. Little fists
falling against the wood
of my bedroom door.
Wake up, sleepyhead!
Daddy has to go to work.
Devon’s voice is bright
as the sunshine, painting
streaks on the walls.
I throw back the sheets.
Blood. Lots of it. Great.
My monthly visitor. At
least I don’t have to feel
so bad about not calling
the doctor. No need for
the pill today, anyway.
I clean up, strip the sheets
from the bed and take
them down to the washer.
The girls are in the kitchen,
munching cereal. No school
this week, they’re all mine.
I put in a call to Trey. No
answer. No surprise. I’m
getting ready to leave a
voice mail when the door
bell rings. He’s here!
LaTreya beats me to the door
and flings it open.
Mommy!
she screams, throwing her arms
around the slender redhead.
Angela steps through the door,
levels me with a shot of green
eyes.
Who the hell are you?
Wearing zip but a long T-shirt
and underwear, I
introduce myself,
“I’m Kristina, the girls’ nanny.”
Angela is unimpressed. [Angela
is totally irritated.]
Well, I happen to
be the girls’ mother. Where’s Brad?
She’s pissing me off. “I figured
that’s who you
were when LaTreya
called you ‘Mommy.’ Brad’s at work.”
Another evil blink of snake green eyes.
I thought I’d take
the kids shopping.
Girls, go put on your shoes, please.
The kids hustle upstairs, which is good.
Trying to take them could
come down to blows.
“Not without Brad’s permission.”
The cobra strikes quickly.
I don’t
know who you
think you are, but
I’ll do as I please with my daughters.
“No, I don’t think you will. You lost that
privilege when you
walked out the door.
Now let’s give Brad a call, okay?”
You are awfully possessive of someone
else’s children.
She
looks me up and
down.
And you don’t dress like hired help.
My face heats, but I stand my
ground. “One call
will settle this.
Let’s go into the kitchen and make it.”
Brad is on his way home.
Angela sits at the kitchen
table, waiting. The girls
bound into the room, all
giggles. I think I’m jealous.
I know I’m jealous when
Brad walks through the
door. The look on his face
is unmistakable. He loves
Angela, through the pain.
Daddy!
cries Devon.
Mommy’s
home.
She jumps into Angela’s
lap and LaTreya moves to her
side, protective. They love her
unconditionally, pain all gone.
I excuse myself so they can talk,
knowing my life has veered,
suddenly, surely. But exactly
which direction it has veered
in remains to be discovered.