This is probably the best evening of my life. Better than any evening I can remember. We have another beer and then we go back outside and Laura rolls us a couple of cigarettes.
I am only fifteen but it's great to be fifteen. I'm fifteen and I'm sitting in some street or other in the middle of winter and Laura is rolling us cigarettes by the light of a phone booth. And we are smoking and drinking and then I start to talk. I'm not singing any more. I'm saying ridiculous things like “In summer the sky is much bigger, did you know that? Bigger than in the city. Here the sky is gigantic. Much, much bigger. And in the summer you have to lie on the ground in the middle of a field, at night, of course, and then look up and when the sky is clear it's...the sky is so big and it's...”
Laura looks up and keeps walking.
“Like it is now?” she asks.
I look up and the sky starts to spin a bit.
“No. Not so wobbly,” I say.
Laura starts to giggle again.
“I'm tired,” she says. She stops. “I have to go this way.”
“And I have to go that way,” I say and point in the other direction.
We stand in the middle of the intersection, and I want to say, Laura, that was great. I want to tell her how much better and nicer and bigger it was than any evening I've ever had, but suddenly it's like before, and I can't get it out.
Laura grins and sways a bit, and I'm swaying, too. We are holding hands again, or still â I don't know. She pulls me toward her or I pull her toward me and her face is close. Then her mouth is on mine, this time longer and softer, and her lips are a bit rough. A little kiss, then another one, and my lips between hers become softer, warm. I open my mouth a bit and she opens hers, and I am kissing her upper lip, her bottom lip, and her tongue is stroking my lips, stroking my mouth.
I hold her hand. I want to be closer to her, I want to hold her face. Her lips are on my neck, her ears are cold, everything becomes warm and I am all flushed. My eyes are closed. And we kiss again and again, and...
Then I open my eyes. Laura looks at me â different, smiling. She gives me a little kiss.
And then she turns and goes.
How long do I stand here?
How cold it is all of a sudden.
PART II
1
What are you really like
?
1. Your crush flirts with someone else at a party that you have been looking forward to for ages. What do you do?
a) I go straight home and lock myself in my room with enough chocolate, tissues and sad CDs to last a week
.
b) Who cares? I'll have way more fun with my girlfriends
.
c) I make the best of things. I dance provocatively, until he can't even think about looking at anyone else
.
d) I ask my best friend for advice
.
What a load of crap. Next question.
2. On the bus, your friends standing behind you suddenly start laughing uproariously
.
a) I turn around and start laughing, too, even though I don't know what it's all about
.
b) I know for sure that they are laughing at me because I have once again done something super embarrassing. I want to dig a hole in the ground and disappear
.
c) I tell them to shut up because I want to read in peace
. What?!
d) I report them to the bus driver
.
Yeah, right.
3. Your friend asks to copy your math assignment
.
a) I tell her that I don't understand the assignment myself, and she should ask someone else
.
b) Sure, no problem. One of these days she'll do me a favor in return
.
c) Never. What if we're caught? I'll fail, just because of her!
d) I take her aside and tell her that we can do the assignment together
.
Oh, brother. What a pile of shit.
4. At the party that you have been looking forward to for ages, you see another girl wearing the identical top
.
a) I run straight home and change
.
b) I run straight home and stay there and never go out in public again
.
c) I rip the shirt off the bloody cow and tell her that she'd better find something else to wear, maybe something that looks good on her for a change
.
d) The girl and I laugh together about this hilarious coincidence and have a great time
.
If such a thing were possible, then maybe there is a chance for intelligent life out there in space.
The clock says only five thirty-four. God. Turn the page.
Or what about...
1. A girl kisses you at the end of a wonderful evening
.
a) Afterwards everything is great, and life is wonderful
.
b) You think too much
.
c) It was a mistake. It must have been a mistake
.
2. If a girl kisses another girl, it means
â
a) You're a lesbian
.
b) You just haven't found the right guy yet.
c) You were drunk and stoned and not in your right mind
.
d) What difference does it make who you kiss? Except for animals, that is. Ew
.
3. If you spend your whole time trying to remember that moment, it means you are
â
a) In love
.
b) Forgetful
.
c) Confused
.
d) Even more confused
.
***
Five thirty-seven. The front door slams. I close the magazine, go downstairs.
Stomp, stomp, stomp
. (Could you just once not stomp down the stairs?) I hear scraping sounds on the floor.
Dennis is trying to drag something through the door.
“What is that?” I ask.
“Don't ask dumb questions. It's a bench. Didn't I say we needed one upstairs? Come on, grab the other end!”
And what if it was nice? Even if you can hardly remember it? What then?
“Where do you want it?”
“In the basement!”
Everything Dennis says has an exclamation mark.
“Over there! Watch out for my hand! Careful! Okay, put it down!”
If you have mainly checked a), then...
“We have to sand it down!”
“We?”
Dennis looks up at me with this expression he often wears â mouth open, cheeks red with effort, forehead creased.
“Yes, WE! You don't think I'm going to do this all by myself, do you? I've already dragged the bloody thing all the way over here!”
Okay, okay.
“Go and get the sandpaper!”
I do it.
Which answers would she check?
Which ones would I?
2
Favorite song.
“All I Want Is You” by U2. That is a great song. Bono does this thing with his voice that only he and David Bowie can do. It sends chills down my spine and makes me want to cry at the same time. He sings about this woman who promises him everything â gold, fame â but he says he doesn't want any of it. He only wants her. But then she breaks all her promises and it's so sad, because at the end he doesn't have anything, not even her.
That song is pain set to music.
Sometimes it's nice to feel sad. To go to the movies and sit in the third row all by yourself and cry. It only works in the afternoons and only when you go to see old films that other people have already seen.
Mum and I are driving into town. She wants to shop for curtains or some other shit at a special sale. She'll drop me off at the movie and pick me up later.
Some people think it's weird to go to the movies by yourself, but I like it. I also like going to the movies with
other people, playing Guess the Ads, buying cheap candies at the bulk-food store and smuggling them into the theater.
The best films are the ones where there's no happy ending, though I like shoot-'em-up films, too. For some reason I love automatic weapons, even though I am normally a non-violent person. Must have something to do with the sound. So a film that ends with a graduation dance where the cheerleader and the captain of the football team get together is truly boring for me.
American Beauty
. Everyone else has already seen it, and it's out on video. But I want to see it in the theater. Suse doesn't like going to movies, and Ines usually has even less money than I do.
The best seat at the movies is in the front half, even the first third, and right in the middle. One of my teachers once said the best spot to be in a movie theater and in a war is at the back, but he didn't know what he was talking about. Though maybe it is true for war, what do I know.
But my spot is taken. There's only one other person in the whole theater and he's already sitting there. Shit. It would be too weird to go into a practically empty theater and sit near the only other person in there.
I walk up the aisle anyway and look down the row. It's some guy eating popcorn, and he's looking at me, and he says, “Well, what a surprise.”
It's Phillip.
I don't know whether to keep walking or turn around.
It would be even weirder to sit near Phillip in a practically empty theater.
He's still looking at me. Then he holds up his box and says, “Popcorn?”
So I sit beside him.
And he doesn't say anything, just sits there munching his popcorn and staring at the screen, which is empty. There's just this design of colors, moving to soft music.
“You really don't want any?” he asks again and holds out the box of popcorn.
I shake my head. I'm feeling bad already and now I'm sitting here beside this blinking idiot...
“
Phillip is really a nice guy...
” I can hear Laura's voice in my head.
If only I hadn't walked so far up to the front. If only I'd just sat a few rows back, then at worst we'd run into each other after the film was over and that would be it.
“Have you already seen it?” he asks.
“No.” Of course not. Otherwise why would I be here?
“I have.”
“Oh.” Moron.
“Twice.”
Sounds like someone with too much money.
“It's a good film.”
Now he's going to spend the whole movie explaining what's going on, saying things like, “Keep your eye on the door, wait for it, now!” â just like the people who somehow always end up sitting right behind me.
“Besides, I was bored.”
Then he shoves another handful of popcorn into his face and chews as he keeps staring at the screen.
***
Laura is totally normal in front of me. I ask myself whether it even all happened â the kiss, the kisses. I've been trying to remember it all week, but somehow I can't. Maybe because I had my eyes closed. That must be it.
But she is avoiding me. It's true that she is in the washroom every morning, but only when Ines or Suse are already there. We are never alone.
Maybe that's what she wants. I'll bet it is.
***
“Have you seen
Magnolia
?” Phillip asks me suddenly.
I nod.
“And? How did you like it?”
I cried my eyes out. “It was okay.”
“Do you go to the movies often?”
“Sometimes.”
“I do, mostly after school. I'm always killing time because the train schedules are so lousy.”
How interesting.
***
She still smiles at me, but only when she's also smiling at the others. She's nice. Still offers me cigarettes. But she is so far away.
***
The lights go out and the ads start rolling.
“The Wild West!” says Phillip.
Oh, my God, he's guessing the ads. Someone please get me out of here.
“This one's easy. Marlboro. Their spots are always the same.”
PLEASE!
“This one's for...a beer. No. But some kind of drink.”
It is not! It's an anti-drug ad, you moron!
“Oh,” he says when the logo appears â Don't Do Drugs.
“And that one's for...” Phillip pauses.
“Audi,” I say.
“Do you think so?”
“No, I KNOW SO!”
He shuts up.
Then the trailers for the new films come on. He doesn't say anything about the first one. But then, “That looks like a piece of shit.”
He's right, but I don't say anything.
“I'd like to see that one, but they'll never show it here.”
“Why not?”
Because this is the asshole of the world and they only ever show Hollywood blockbusters here.”
It's true, but Phillip looks at me angrily, as if it's all my fault.
***
Maybe I did something wrong.
***
It's a good movie. He was right. And he didn't talk once through the whole thing. And maybe I was just a bit snotty. I often am. And grumpy.
The ending is sad, and my eyes get damp â no, more than damp. I start to sniffle. Shit, not now. Not in front of Phillip.
He taps me lightly on the hand and hands me a tissue. “Thanks,” I sniff. He just nods.
We sit through all of the final credits. Then the lights go on and the doors are opened. We leave.
“What now?” Phillips says. He's staring at the notices for the other films.
“What?”
“What are you doing now? Do we want to get a coffee somewhere?”
“No, I have to meet my mother soon.” He still doesn't look at me. “Do you want a lift back?”
He hesitates.
“No, forget it. I'm going stay in town for a bit. Take care.”
And then he turns and leaves.
***
Maybe I did something wrong.
I definitely did something wrong.
Now all I have to do is make it right again.
3
Seven-nineteen. I've arrived at school too early.
“Laura, I have something for you.”