George Washington Zombie Slayer (15 page)

Chapter 35

The First Continental Congress

The First Continental Congress met in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in September of 1774, but it didn’t accomplish a
whole hell of a lot. There were 343 Colonial big shots in attendance like Washington, Samuel Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Monroe and a host of delegates from throughout the thirteen colonies. These were America’s Founding Fathers.

The
First Continental Congress was held to allow various representatives of the thirteen colonies to discuss options, issues and opinions regarding the British, and to take whatever appropriate action they could all agree upon.

The main problem was that there was not a consensus regarding appropriate action against the British. Not yet. Many in a
ttendance still felt they were British subjects and hoped to return to that status with greater political freedom. Others regarded rebellion as inevitable. The majority, however, were taking a “wait-and see” type approach, and letting themselves be guided by the unfolding of events and reacting to British policy.

No one knew exactly what neede
d to be done, or when. So as often happens at political meetings with too many big shots, many people talked, and few things actually got done.

Certain
, generally agreed upon ideas were even now percolating in their founding father brains, like the right to life, liberty and property.  They asserted that these rights should be protected now, and in the future.

It was suggested by some
small number of delegates that a militia army should be formed, and George Washington snapped to attention as the obvious choice to lead such an army. But most other delegates, as yet uncertain as to the need for a standing army, forcefully poo-pooed the very notion and left a dejected Washington wishing more delegates had felt differently.

There was much lively discussion of the British use
of zombie soldiers and ways their practice could be dealt with. At one point, South Carolina delegate Pierce Butler spoke up. Butler was perhaps the largest slaveholder in America and although he was doubtful of the moral implications and political viability of the institution of slavery, he nonetheless defended it for two distinctly personal reasons: greed and selfishness.

“The use of zombie soldiers is i
ndeed frightening,” Butler said. “But not nearly so frightening to me as the thought of having a negro delegate among us,” he said, clearly referring to Thomas Jefferson.

“Hey
, Pierce,” George Washington immediately stood and said aloud to Mr. Butler before the assembled body of the First Continental Congress. “Why don’t you just sit down and shut the fuck up?”

The red-faced
Pierce Butler sat down in shame at this chastisement by the well-respected Washington, amid much laughter in the meeting hall. The further discussion of zombies, and Jefferson, and slavery, was put off until a later time.

So while the British Parliament declared that the American Colonies were in a state of rebellion, t
he one thing the Founding Fathers did agree upon was the need to establish a boycott of British goods. Representatives from all thirteen Colonies heartily endorsed the boycott proposal, and it was implemented much to the chagrin of British merchants. Following the implementation of the boycott, hundreds of thousands of pounds of British goods sat in giant warehouses in London and other port cities, unsold and unused. And British manufacturers were furious.

The Continental Congress also agreed to discontinue the trade and importation of slaves. Of course, no prohibition was made on the breeding and selling of fresh, American-made slaves. Buying a foreign slave was now akin to buying a foreign car. Overseas slaves were expensive to import, and there was less motivation to do so, as there were plenty of reliable models for sale domestically.  The program
to outlaw slave imports was essentially the American continent’s first “Buy American” campaign.

There was also talk of a Second Continental Congress, at a date yet to be decided.
For now, the delegates would return to their Colonies, restless and frustrated.                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                              
Chapter 36

          
                       Liberty or Death

There was a general sentiment among the Founding Fathers, throughout the entire thirteen colonies, that various levels of severe discomfort were preferable to the loss of freedom. That is, if need be, they were determined to suffer grievously for the sake of liberty.  It was a concept to which a great deal of thought was given, but one which they initially struggled to put into words.

In early 1775, Washington wrote to a business associate that, “I think we have set upon a path which ends either in liberty, or does not.” Jefferson recorded in his personal jo
urnal about this time that, “For the fruit of Freedom to grow, tree of liberty must never be fertilized by being pee’d upon.”  In a letter to the British-appointed Governor of Massachusetts, Benjamin Franklin wrote, “There are hard choices to be made, though I truly say to give me liberty, or give me indigestion. For the loss of freedom is like eating a piece of spoiled mutton. It is unpleasant to the taste, sour to the stomach, and comes out more stinky than when it went in.” Needless to say, the initial declarations regarding liberty were not stirring to the soul.

Patrick Henry boldly stated the most famous sentiments regarding freedom and liberty while speaking at a convention of Virginia delegates in St
. John’s Church in Richmond, Virginia in March of 1775. Sadly, no one thought to transcribe Patrick Henry’s speech that day, although even the recollections of this speech, passed by word of mouth and the newspapers of the day, soon rendered the speech as legendary. But as no one had a written text of the speech, it was culled together from the recollections of those in attendance.

One attendee noted that
, “Mister Henry spoke with passion, stating firmly that we Colonists were being shackled with the chains of tyranny, and that our God-given rights were being violated and tread upon.”  Another observer recalled that, “Patrick Henry stirringly decried the abuses of our personal Liberty. He called the British ‘evil fuck-tards,’ and swore that his liberty was more precious to him than his own testicles.”  Nearly all the witnesses to the speech recalled the powerful and climactic closing of Henry’s oratory. And though one witness, perhaps erroneously, recalled Henry challenging the British to “give me Liberty or give me a good spanking,” it is more likely he actually spoke what several other witnesses recalled: “but as for myself, give me Liberty or give me death!”

These were the words that stirred a people
to action and planted the seeds of a nation. A line had been drawn. The British sought to maintain their will through the violation of individual liberty. The Colonists were determined to prevent this.

The moment had arrived, at l
ong last, for Revolution.

Chapter 37

The Shot Heard ‘Round the World

And it came to pass that in April of 1775, Cornwallis ordered British troops to march to the town of Concord and to seize or destroy the munitions and weapons present there.

The
New Englanders, of course, were ever vigilant regarding large British troop movements in and around Boston, and the “word-of-mouth” network of secret codes shared between patriots permitted strategic information to be spread at wildfire speed. Most New Englanders anticipated a British move upon Concord.

The initial
codified system regarding the sharing of information on British troop movements was somewhat cumbersome and complex. The Colonial Minuteman Signal Guidebook for 1775 stated:

“
In the event the British are marching 500 troops or less via land deployment, the Colonials should hang a single lantern in the steeple of the Old North Church to alert other militia as to that troop movement. If more than 500 British troops are marching, three lanterns should be hung, but only in the event the British were marching by land. If the British forces of 500 or less are dispatched by sea, then two lanterns should be hung. Unless which a force of greater than 500 British troops are dispatched by sea, in which case four lanterns were to be hung. And should the British deploy forces by both land and sea, then five lanterns should be hung, with the fifth lantern being either of red or amber hue. In no event shall six or greater lanterns be utilized.”

Needless to say
, the Colonial “secret code” system was one in need of revision and improved clarity. A fragment of a letter from George Washington to Paul Revere in early April of 1775 shows Washington’s skillful ability to simplify and decomplicate confusing military codes and orders:

“Hey Pauly- I noticed that lantern alert system is extremely fucked up. Mightn’t we use simply --one if by land and two if by sea?  Sincerely, GW-“
 

Washington’s system was immediately adopted, and proved useful in providing clear and important information.

Upon seeing the lanterns, several riders were dispatched to alert neighboring towns and villages regarding the approach of the British troops. Among these riders was a now-famous silversmith by the name of Paul Revere. But there are several myths regarding Revere’s ride that have sprung up over the years.

The first myth is that
Paul Revere actually completed his “midnight ride.” In point of fact, Revere rode only a short few miles before he was stopped and detained by the British. He never completed his route, and the information he shared over the small distance he actually traveled was essentially worthless. Although several riders did proceed many miles to warn the colonials of the approach of British troops, Paul Revere was not among them.

The second myth was that he had always planned to make the ride
in the first place. In reality, it was Paul Revere’s fat, lazy, drug-addicted brother Rush Revere, a man of much talk and little action, who was originally going to make the ride. But when Rush Revere was put a-horse, his great bulk snapped the spine of his horse like a twig and killed the animal. And so the slimmer Paul was chosen to ride another horse to warn the Colonists.

When the British troops arrived in the tiny hamlet of Lexington, on route to Concord, they were
expected. Residents had been warned some hours earlier and the local militiamen had assumed formation in the center of town. British officers were aghast to find a few dozen of the local farmers, blacksmiths and other townsmen in defiant formation upon the King’s Green, and with loaded muskets in hand.

Hundreds and hundreds of British troops rode into Lexington and were formed in line of battle.  A British officer rode forward a
nd gave the Colonial militia an order to “disperse from the King’s Green.” This order was ignored.

The British officers were initially going to send forward
a few of their best troops and simply disperse the Colonials by point of the bayonet. But one sly British officer, his name lost to history, said “I have a better idea. Let’s scare the shiot out of these buggers,” and he called forth a hundred of his zombie soldiers.

The men of the Lexington militia were at first filled with unease at the sight of these horrific, pale monsters in British uniforms being guided by bugle call and formed up in line of battle against them.  But when the bugle blew to sound the advance, the men of the militia began to panic more with each passing step the zombies took forward.

Although clad in British uniforms, the faces of the zombie soldiers were as dead men, swollen, bleeding,  pale and inhuman. To these simple militiamen, who had never seen a zombie before, it was as if Satan himself had guided these undead soldiers against them. Panic ensued.

While some of the militiamen ran, others leveled their muskets and fired into the approaching zombie soldiers, to
no effect. The zombies continued to advance. 

Though many
soldiers escaped, several of the Lexington militiamen were overrun by zombies, eaten and nearly entirely devoured.  They would not become zombies themselves, for there was not enough of them left to be transformed.

Adding to the chaos, after s
eeing the Colonial militiamen firing upon their zombie kinsmen, the second, reserve row of living British Redcoat soldiers opened fire, without orders to do so, upon the remaining  Lexington militiamen, shooting and killing several more of them.