I laughed. “Well, you're a god.”
His big arms snaked around my waist, and he pulled me back against him. I turned my head back over my shoulder and we kissed. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Chad watching us with no expression on his face. His arms were folded, and if he could, there was no doubt in my mind he would have shot laser beams out of his eyes at us.
We danced for a couple more songs, and Dante excused himself to go to the bathroom.
I walked over to Chad, using my shirt to mop sweat off my face.
“What do you think you're doing?” Chad said angrily.
“Dancing.”
“You're breaking the code.”
“Code? What code?”
“You don't sleep with your friends' exes,” Chad hissed through clenched teeth.
“Who said I was going to sleep with him?”
“You're practically fucking on the goddamned dance floor!” Chad snarled. “You don't want to get on my bad side.”
“You need to calm down,” I replied, not allowing myself to get angry. “We're just dancing, Chad. What is your problem?”
“You're right.” He shook his head. “I'm sorry, Jordy. Iâyou know what? I think I'm just going to leave.”
“Why?”
“I'm just not into this anymore.” He looked at me. “You want to go grab something at the Iron Skillet?”
He looked so sad my anger melted away. “Sure. What about Rees and Brandon?”
“We came in Brandon's car. You drove, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Come on, let's go.”
The Iron Skillet wasn't very crowded. I ordered a club sandwich without mayonnaise, Chad a grilled cheese. I was going to regret the sandwich, but I figured I'd do an extra ten minutes on the elliptical machine the next day.
“I'm sorry I was being such a bitch,” Chad said as we ate our food. “Brandon just really pissed me off, and then seeing Danteâ” He made a face. “It just kind of threw me off.”
“He probably was just trying to make you jealous,” I replied, keeping my voice even. “Very junior high school.”
“Well, Jordy, maybe, maybe not.” He gave me a sad smile. “I hope you don't think I think you're unattractive.” He swallowed. “It's amazing the way you've transformed. You look completely different.”
But you didn't say I looked good.
“I'm so glad we're friends,” he went on. “I mean, Rees and Brandon are good guys, but they're not like you.” He looked down at his food. “Sometimes I think you're my only real friend.”
In spite of myself I was touched. “You mean that?”
He nodded. “I mean, Rees and Brandon are fun, but that's all they think aboutâpartying and getting laid. You're different. You're serious.”
He touched my hand.
Here it comes,
I exulted.
“I'm so glad we never slept together,” he went on. “That would spoil everything. You can't stay friends with someone after you've slept with them.”
My heart shattered. “I know,” I managed to say.
I dropped him off at the house and headed home.
As I pulled into my parking space, my phone beeped. I flipped it open. There was a text from Dante.
Hey, man, where did you go? I was enjoying dancing with you. Some other time?
I smiled to myself.
Fuck you, Chad,
I thought as I got out of the car.
It was time for a change in plans, and strategy.
Chapter 10
I
hesitated for a moment, my hand poised to knock on the president's office door. I wasn't sure why I was thereâbut I doubted it was something good. I'd gotten the e-mail that morning, asking if I could stop by at three. No explanation, no hint as to what the meeting was about, so I'd wondered about it all day. Now it was three on the dot.
Don't be a pussy, Jordy,
I chided myself, and knocked.
The door opened almost immediately, and I wondered if Chris Moore had been standing there waiting for my knock. He smiled, which relaxed me a little. “Thanks for stopping by.” He stuck out his hand and gave me the fraternity handshake. “Come on in and have a seat.”
“I haven't been in here since I accepted my bid,” I said. Chris's room was just on the other side of the office. His door was open, and I could see how messy his room was. I sat down in the very same chair I'd sat in to get my bid. Then I was too nervous to pay any attention to the room. It was really small, and there was another door behind the desk. A group photo of the brothers in tuxes was the only decoration on the white walls, and it was captioned
SPRING BETA KAPPA FORMAL
. I crossed my legs and waited.
Chris closed the office door. “We're getting a little concerned about you, Jordy,” he said, walking around and sitting down behind his desk.
“Who's we?” I asked, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. “I can ask, right?”
“Of course you can ask, Jordy.” He gave me a smile. He made a steeple with his fingers on the desktop. “This isn't an interrogation. You don't need a lawyer or anything.”
“Good to know,” I replied, forcing a smile on my face. “So, who's getting concerned about me, Chris? And what about?”
“The Executive Council.” He put his elbows on the desk and leaned forward a bit. He gave me a reassuring smile. “And don't feel singled out. You're not the only brother I'm having a chat with this week.” He shrugged. “We've noticed that you've missed a couple of Monday night meetings, and you weren't around at all last week for Little Sister Rush.” He waved a hand. “I know, you're gay and you don't care about women, I get that, but Little Sister Rush is
important,
even if it's not mandatory.”
“But if it isn't mandatoryâ” I shrugged. “It shouldn't be held against me if I didn't come.” I thought about making an excuseâa term paper or somethingâbut kept silent. I'd gone to Fusions on Wednesday night with Chad and the guys, and Chris probably knew. It wasn't easy keeping secrets at Beta Kappa.
He leaned back in his chair and sighed. “I know, I know, but Monday night meetings are mandatory. And when you miss a few of them, and then skip Little Sister Rush . . .” He spread his hands helplessly. “If you miss another meeting you're going to be placed on social probation. You know what that means, right? You can't come to parties, you can't come to the formal. And you don't want that, do you?”
I bit my lip and shook my head no.
“Which leads to another problem,” Chris went on. “As you know, Big Brother Night is this Saturday. Attendance is mandatory. And you've been chosen.”
I gulped. “Seriously?” I hadn't been expecting that. Since Rush Week, I'd had little interaction with any of the pledges I'd helped recruit. I hadn't even given them a second thought. I'd been so wrapped up in my revenge fantasiesâand I could hardly explain
that
to Chris.
“Seriously,” Chris replied. “And I don't know if you
should
be allowed the privilege of having a little brother. You've really been shirking your responsibilities to the house, Jordy.” He shook his head. “What's going on with you? You were such a
great
pledge.”
“I've been dealing with some personal shit, Chris.” I looked down at my hands. I just couldn't look him in the eyes. I shook my head. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't let my own bullshit interfere with my commitments to the brotherhood.”
“I'm probably going to cross a line here.” He narrowed his eyes. “But I'm sorry, I feel like I have to, Jordy. Believe it or not, I am really worried about you.” He wiped his eyes. “As president, I feel like I have a responsibilityânot just to the brotherhood as a whole, but to every brother here in the house.” He began drumming his fingers on the desk, and I realized he was actually rather nervous. He barked out a mirthless laugh. “I haven't gotten to know you well, but I like what I do know. You know we don't have a problem with your sexuality, right?”
I bit my lip and nodded. “Diversity is our strength.”
“Beta Kappa used to be just as homophobic as every other house on the mall,” he went on. “Sure, there were brothers in the house who were gay, but as long as they kept it quiet there wasn't a problem.” He shrugged. “I consider myself to be straight, but I've been with guys before. I just prefer women. So, I guess you could say I'm bi or whatever. It's only been a couple of years since we made the house more open to people with alternative sexualities, and I still believe that's a good thing. But there's still an undercurrent of homophobia here in the house. It's closeted, if you'll forgive the expression, but there are brothers here who don't like gays. But they deal with it, and at least on the surface don't act on it. Overt homophobia, just like overt racism, is grounds for being expelled from the house.”
“I know.” This had all been part of our pledge training, and I wasn't sure why he was going over all of this with me again.
“I don't know if you were out before you pledged, but one of the things we all take pride inâas a whole, and me certainly as an individualâis the fact Beta Kappa is here for all of our brothers whenever things get tough for them. Some brothers have issues with their coming out process.” He sighed. “How has it been for you?”
I blinked at him a few times. I opened my mouth to say,
Everything's been just fine,
but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. He sat there patiently watching me, waiting for me to say something. A flood of emotions rushed through my mind. But the one thought I kept coming back to was,
He's talking to me because he cares.
I felt like crying.
“It's been hard,” I replied finally, trying to keep my voice steady. “I had no idea it would be this hard.” Tears started filling my eyes. “I mean, Blair and Jeff have been great . . . but . . .”
Chris sighed. “It's Chad York, isn't it?” He got up out of his chair and walked around behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders. “I know you two have gotten close.”
“I don't know that I would call it
close
.” I wiped at my eyes. “I care about him, but sometimes . . .”
He started rubbing my shoulders. “Let it all out, Jordy. You can trust me.”
“I just don't know.” I hated myself for being so close to tears. “I love him and I hate him at the same time.” It felt good to say it aloud. “And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I mean, what am I supposed to do?” A tear slipped out of my right eye. “I mean, sometimes he's so sweet and niceâand then two minutes later he's just so fucking mean.” I wiped at my eyes. “He's been so niceâI mean, he helped me figure out how to dress, and . . .” I let my voice trail off. I waved my hand and struggled to get ahold of myself. “And then other times he just makes me feel like I'm
worthless.
”
“You aren't worthless, Jordy.” Chris patted me on the shoulders and sat back down again. “You have to know that, believe it. You're a great guy. You have a kind heartâI mean, how many brothers have you helped with papers? All someone has to do is ask you for help, and you never say no.” He folded his hands. “You're an asset to the house. You've got a great sense of humorâeveryone likes you.” He gestured at me. “And you've changed so much physically. You don't even look like the same person who pledged last semester.”
“Chad told me heâ” My eyes welled up again. “He told me he could never be interested in someone who didn'tâ”
A muscle worked in Chris's jaw. “So you started working out.” He sighed. “Look, Jordy, I don't have all the answers. But it seems to me you'd be better off with someone who appreciates you for who you are.”
“I'm in love with him.” It felt good to say it out loud. “Chris, please don't tell anyone.”
“What we talk about in here is no one's business,” Chris replied. “Your secret is safe with me. Besides, I kind of suspected.” He sighed. “I've been watching you, Jordyâand the way you look at Chadâ”
I closed my eyes. “Believe me, Chris, I don't want to be. I love him, but I don't like him very much. Does that make sense? Can you love someone without liking them?”
“Apparently you can.” He gently smiled. “That's got to be hard, Jordy. Chad's a hard person to get to know. I should knowâhe's my little brother. Sometimes I wonder if I failed him somehow, you know? He was
different
when he was a pledge. So eager to please, so committed. . . . I don't know if something happened to him between his initiation and the next semester, but he was different when he came back.” He sighed. “Maybe when he was a pledge he was acting, and he didn't need to act anymore when he was initiated . . . but I thought we were close. I was wrong, I guess. Maybe that's who he was all along.” He peered at me. “You've changed, too, Jordyâand I'm not talking about just physically, either. What's with you and Roger?”
“Roger?” I wiped my eyes and got control of myself. “What's Roger got to do with any of this?”
“You two started out really strong, and now it seems like you barely speak.” He nodded. “Did Chad have something to do with that?”
I wanted to say
yes,
but it would have been a lieâand I didn't want to lie to Chris. “No, it's my fault. I chose Chad over Roger.”
“I see.” He looked at me. “Look, I don't know what's going on with you, but you're not the same guy who pledged the house. I know you're going through some stuff, but you're a good person, Jordyâdon't ever lose sight of that. I know you'll get through this and you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
“Thank you.”
“But you can't allow yourself to lose sight of the brotherhood and your commitment to it.” Chris shook his head. “Ordinarily, I wouldn't allow you to take a little brother, given your sporadic attendance this semester, but I also think the responsibility is something you need right now, and it might help you to realize how important the house really is to you. Are you willing to take on that responsibility?”
I thought for a moment. “I think so.”
He smiled. “The pledge who's chosen you is Galen Donovan.”
I gulped. “Galen? Seriously?”
“Seriously.” Chris leaned back in his chair. “I don't want to sound condescending, but I know Galen is a good-looking kid. I don't know if he's gay or straightâyou know we don't askâbut it's your responsibility to see him through this semester, to teach him about brotherhood and to watch out for him. That meansâ”
“I can't sleep with him.”
“At least not until after initiation.” Chris went on. “Sex complicates thingsâas I'm sure you've already found out. I would advise against it.”
I nodded. “I understand.” I stood up and reached across the desk to shake his hand. “Thanks, Chris. I'll be a better brother, and you won't be sorry you let me take Galen.”
“If you need to talk, my door's always open.” He sat back down. “The brotherhood is always here for you, Jordy. Never forget that. Beta Kappa for life.”
“Beta Kappa for life,” I replied, shutting the door behind me.
I stood in the hallway for a moment, a little shaken.
I've been a shitty brother this semester,
I thought,
and I'm lucky Chris's decided to give me another chance. I've let all this idiocy with Chad change me for the worse, and it's consumed me. It's not healthy. I've been obsessed.
I looked at myself in the mirror across from the office door.
I didn't like what I sawâand for once, it wasn't the way I looked.
You've been so consumed with trying to get even with Chad you've let everything else slide. You've let it affect your relationship with Roger, with Blair, with Jeff, with everyone else in the house for that matter. And for what? Because Chad didn't want you? So what? There are plenty of other guys out there who do want you, who do see what you have to offer, and Brandon and Rees were right. You've been acting like a whore, and that doesn't reflect well on you. Let it go, Jordy. Let it all go. You can still be friends with Chad. You know he's not evil, he's a good personâyou've let everything you feel for him be colored by the fact he wasn't attracted to you and just wanted to be friends.