Gabriel's Rapture (34 page)

“The tent is beautiful.”

“Does it please you?”
he whispered.

“You always ask me that.”

Gabriel’s smile faded slightly, but he resisted the urge to frown. “You used to like the fact that I am a considerate lover.”

Their eyes met and Julia looked away. “It’s a lovely gesture, but I would rather have had a letter from you or a telephone call three months ago.”

It appeared as if he wanted to argue with her, but in an instant his expression changed.

“Where are my manners,” he muttered. He offered his elbow, escorting her to a small bistro table that was set up in a corner of the stone patio.

Small white lights shone down on the patio from the branches of an obliging maple. Julia wondered if Gabriel had hired an exterior decorator just for the occasion. He pulled out her chair, and when she was seated, gently eased it closer to the table. She noticed that the centerpiece on the table was filled with orange and red gerbera daisies.

“How did you manage all of this?” Julia unfolded her napkin and placed it in her lap.

“Rebecca is a wonder of New England industriousness.”

Julia gave him a questioning look, but her question was soon answered when Gabriel’s housekeeper served dinner. Rebecca was tall and plain and wore her salt and pepper hair in a short bob. Her eyes, which were large and dark, sparkled with amusement. Julia divined quickly that Gabriel had taken Rebecca into part of his confidence, at least as far as this evening was concerned.

Despite the elaborate décor and the perfect music, dinner was a simple affair by Gabriel’s standards: lobster bisque; a pear, walnut, and Gorgonzola salad; steamed mussels with
frites;
and then finally and most gloriously, a blueberry tart with sour lemon ice cream. Gabriel served her champagne, the same
Veuve Clicquot
he’d served the first time she dined at his apartment. That evening seemed so long ago, even though it was less than a year.

They made small talk during their meal, discussing Rachel’s wedding and Scott’s girlfriend and her son. Gabriel described the things he liked about his house and those he didn’t, promising Julia a tour. Neither of them were in a hurry to begin discussing the events leading up to their separation.

“You aren’t drinking?” She noticed that he’d imbibed only Perrier with his meal.

“I quit.”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Why?”

“Because I was drinking too much.”

“Not when you were with me. You pledged not to get drunk anymore.”

“Precisely,” he said.

She looked at him carefully, at the way his eyes indicated there was a very unpleasant experience behind his words. “But you enjoyed drinking.”

“I have an addictive personality, Julianne. You know this.” He smoothly changed the subject to something more pleasant.

When Rebecca served dessert, he and Julia exchanged a look.

“No chocolate cake tonight?”

“Non, mon ange,”
Gabriel breathed. “Although I’d love nothing more than to feed you again.”

Julia felt her cheeks grow red, and she knew it would be a poor decision to go down that road with him before they had their conversation, but as he gazed at her with undisguised passion, she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“I’d like that,” she said, quietly.

Gabriel smiled as if the sun had just returned to the sky after a protracted absence and quickly shifted his chair so he was seated next to her. Close.
Very
close. So close that she could feel his warm breath on her neck, which goose pimpled in anticipation.

Gabriel picked up Julia’s dessert fork and placed some pie and ice cream on it and turned to face her.

As she gazed at him with longing, his breath caught in his throat.

“What is it?” She looked at him in alarm.

“I’d almost forgotten how lovely you are.” He traced the curve of her cheekbone with his unencumbered hand and brought the fork to her lips.

She closed her eyes and opened her mouth, and at that moment, Gabriel’s heart soared. Yes, it was a little thing—almost inconsequential if one were to consider what tales to tell a confidante. But Julia didn’t trust quickly or easily. The ease with which she made herself vulnerable to him made his heart beat quick and his blood pump fast.

She hummed at the mixture of flavors, opening her eyes.

He couldn’t help himself. He leaned closer so their mouths were parted by mere inches and whispered, “May I?”

She nodded, and he pressed his lips to hers. She was sweetness and light, gentleness and goodness, and the burning and searing goal of all of his earthly hunts and fascinations. But she didn’t belong to him. So he kissed her gently, like he first kissed her in the orchard, with both hands tangling in her long, curled hair. Then he pulled back to watch her face.

A contented sigh escaped her ruby lips as she sat with eyes closed, floating.

“I love you,”
he said.

Now her eyes were open. Her expression reflected an unnamed emotion, but she didn’t say it back.

When dessert was well and truly over, Gabriel suggested they take their espressos to the tent, dismissing Rebecca for the evening. Night had fallen on this little patch of Eden, and like Adam himself, Gabriel led a blushing Eve to his bower.

She kicked off her shoes and curled up on the futon against the cushions, nervously chewing her fingernails while Gabriel lit the candles in the Moroccan lanterns. He took his time, adjusting them so their light flickered over the futon seductively. Then he lit the other candles that were scattered throughout the tent. Finally, he lay on his back next to her, hands behind his head, angled so he could see her face.

“I’d like to talk about what happened,” she initiated.

Gabriel gave her his full attention.

“When you showed up outside my apartment I didn’t know whether to hit you or kiss you.” Her voice was low.

“Didn’t you?” he whispered.

“I didn’t do either.”

“It was never your nature to be vindictive. Or cruel.”

She took a deep breath and began. She told him how it broke her heart to have left message after message with him, only to have them unacknowledged. She told him about her surprise at finding his apartment abandoned. She told him about the kindness of his neighbor, and Paul, and Katherine Picton. She spoke of her continued sessions with Nicole.

Julia was too busy fussing with her espresso to notice how unsettled he’d become. When she mentioned how the textbook he’d passed to her had ended up on her shelf unopened, Gabriel cursed Paul.

“You aren’t allowed to curse him.” Her tone was sharp. “It wasn’t his fault that you put your message in a textbook. Why didn’t you choose a volume out of your personal library? I might have recognized it.”

“I’d been ordered to stay away from you. If I’d put a volume from my library in your mailbox, Jeremy would have noticed it. As it was, I chose a textbook and I placed it in your mailbox after hours.” He huffed in frustration. “Didn’t the title mean anything to you?”

“What title?”

“The title of the textbook:
Marriage in the Middle Ages: Love, Sex, and the Sacred.”

“What should it have meant, Gabriel? For all I knew, you’d labeled me as your
Héloise
and left me. I didn’t have any reason to think otherwise and you didn’t leave me with one.”

He leaned forward, eyes flashing. “The textbook was the reason. The title, the photo from the orchard, the image of St. Francis trying to save Guido da Montefeltro…” His voice cracked, and he paused, in agony. “Didn’t you remember our conversation in Belize? I told you I’d go to Hell to save you. And believe me, I did.”

“I didn’t know you’d sent me messages. I overlooked the textbook because I didn’t know it was from you. Why didn’t you call me?”

“I couldn’t talk to you,” he whispered. “I was told that the Dean would interview you prior to your graduation and that he would ask if you’d heard from me. You’re a lovely woman, Julianne, but a terrible liar. I had to send messages in code.”

Julia’s surprise registered immediately on her face. “You knew about the interview?”

“I knew about a great many things,” he said stoically. “But I couldn’t tell. That’s the point.”

“Rachel told me not to despair.” She captured his gaze for a moment. “But I needed to hear those words from
you
. Our last night together, you had sex with me, but you wouldn’t talk to me. What was I supposed to think?”

Tears overflowed her eyes. But before she could wipe them away with her hand, Gabriel’s tugged her from her safe corner into his outstretched arms. He pressed her to his chest and kissed her head, before wrapping his arms around her back.

Somehow, the feel of his arms around her made her cry harder. He squeezed her gently.

“My pride was my downfall. I thought I could court you while you were my student and get away with it. I was wrong.”

“I thought you chose your job instead of me.” Julia’s voice was filled with hurt. “When I discovered you’d moved out of your apartment…Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?”

“I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Forgive me, Julianne. My goal was not to hurt you, I promise. I regret everything that you described.” He kissed her forehead once again. “I need to tell you what happened. It’s a long story. And only you can tell me how it ends…”

Julia pulled away so she could see his face better, bracing herself for what was to come. Her sudden movement seemed to cause the scent of her hair to waft over to him.

“Your hair is different,” he murmured.

“A little longer, perhaps.”

“It doesn’t smell of vanilla anymore.”

“I changed my shampoo.” She sounded curt.

“Why?” Gabriel shifted his body to eliminate the gap between them.

“Because it reminded me of you.”

“Is that why you aren’t wearing your earrings?” he asked, fingering her earlobe.

“Yes.”

He paused and gazed at her, his hurt evident.

She looked away.

“I love you, Julianne. No matter what you think of me or what I did, I promise that I was only trying to protect you.”

She moved to lie on her side, careful not to touch him.

“I am your faithful one, Beatrice,”
Gabriel quoted, his eyes brimming with emotion. “Please remember that when I tell you what happened.”

He took a deep breath and said a silent prayer before beginning his story.

“When you and I appeared before the hearing officers, my hope was that we would say very little and force them to show what evidence they had. But it became clear that they weren’t going to rest until they’d laid charges and punished us.

“I screwed up when I submitted Katherine’s grade for your work to the Registrar. Since the administration was worried you’d been awarded the grade because you were sleeping with me, they were going to suspend your grade while they investigated further.”

“Could they do that?”

“It’s a provision listed in the policies governing academic behavior. As long as the grade was incomplete, you wouldn’t be able to graduate.”

Julia blinked at Gabriel as understanding washed over her. “No Harvard,” she whispered.

“No Harvard this year and probably no Harvard ever, since they would have been suspicious as to why the University of Toronto was suspending your grade. Even if Harvard never learned the reason, they have so many applications. Why should they give you a second thought when they could admit someone with a spotless record?”

Julia sat very still, the weight of his words pressing down on her.

Gabriel scratched at his chin in agitation. “I was afraid the hearing officers were going to ruin your future. But it was my fault. I’m the one who persuaded you that it was safe to get involved with me; I’m the one who invited you to Italy. I should have waited. My selfishness is what led to all this.”

He gazed into her eyes and lowered his voice. “I’m sorry I ruined our last night together. I should have talked to you. But all I could think about was how worried I was. I never should have treated you the way I did.”

“I felt so alone the next morning.”

“It was the worst way for me to deal with my anxiety. But I hope that you believe me when I tell you that it wasn’t just a…” He paused, stumbling. “A fuck to me. Every time we were together it was always,
always
done with love. I swear.”

Julia dropped her gaze to the futon. “For me too. There’s never been anyone else, before or since.”

He closed his eyes for an instant, relief coursing through him. Even though she’d felt angry and betrayed, she hadn’t followed her anger to another man’s arms. She hadn’t given up on him completely.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

He took a deep breath before continuing. “When you confessed to our relationship and I saw the Dean’s reaction, I knew we were caught. My lawyer was prepared to stonewall, hoping that the committee would excuse me or hand down a ruling that I could challenge in court. But when you confessed, you provided the corroboration the committee needed.”

“We had an agreement to show a united front. An
agreement
, Gabriel.” Julia’s voice grew heated.

“I acquiesced to you in good faith, Julianne. But I also promised that I wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt you or to end your career. That promise takes precedence.”

“An agreement is a promise.”

Gabriel leaned forward. “They were threatening your future. Did you really expect me to sit there and watch it happen?”

When she didn’t respond, he challenged her. “Did you sit there and say nothing when they told you they were pursuing charges against me?”

Her eyes flew to his. “You know I didn’t. I pleaded with them. They wouldn’t listen.”

“Exactly.” His blue eyes bored into hers. “From whom do you think I learned about self-sacrifice?”

She shook her head, not bothering to contradict him. “If we broke the rules, then why didn’t the Dean try to punish both of us?”

“I’m the professor; I should have known better. And Professor Chakravartty was on your side from the very beginning. She doesn’t think professor-student relationships can be consensual. And sadly for us, they found that old email of yours.”

“So it was my fault.”

Gabriel gently leaned over and brushed the back of his hand against her cheek. “No. I persuaded you that we could break the rules and get away with it. And then, instead of taking responsibility for my actions, I sat there behind my lawyer. You were the only one brave enough to tell the truth. And once you did, I had to confess.

“I agreed to accept their sanctions if they brought the investigation to a speedy conclusion. The hearing officers were only too glad to dispose of the matter without a lawsuit and they agreed, promising leniency.”

Julia wore a pained expression.

“Unfortunately, their definition of lenience and mine were two different things. I expected to be censured, not forced to take a leave of absence.”

He scrubbed at his face with his hands. “Jeremy was furious at the prospect of losing me, even for a semester. I’d caused a scandal that would embarrass not only him but my colleagues and the other students in the department. Christa was filing a lawsuit against the university too. It was a huge mess, and I was at the root of it.”

“We were at the root of it, Gabriel. I knew the rules, and I broke them too.”

He gave her a half-smile. “The rules are written in such a way as to excuse the student because the professor is the one with the power.”

“The only power you had over me was love.”

He kissed her softly. “Thank you.”

Gabriel’s heart was full, almost to the brim. She hadn’t looked back at their time together and viewed him the way the hearing officers did. She hadn’t recoiled when he kissed her. In fact, her lips had welcomed him. She gave him hope that by the end of his story, she’d still be at his side.

“When they brought Jeremy in, I begged him to help us. I promised I’d do anything.”

“Anything?” Julia asked.

He shifted again. “I had no idea he was going to side with the hearing officers and demand that I cease all contact with you. It was a rash promise made in a fit of desperation.”

Julia moved away from him. “What did he say?”

“He persuaded the committee to place me on administrative leave. It was effectively a suspension, but they didn’t call it that in order to avoid tainting the department. I was also prohibited from supervising female graduate students for a term of three years.”

“I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

He pressed his lips together. “I was told to end things with you immediately and cease all contact. They said if I violated this condition, the agreement would be void and they would re-open the investigation, into both of us.” He paused, seemingly struggling for words.

“If they thought I was a victim, why would they threaten to investigate me again?”

Gabriel’s blue eyes cooled. “The Dean suspected you were telling the truth—that our relationship was consensual and that I was trying to save your reputation. He wasn’t about to let us go off into the sunset together. That’s why I sent you the email.”

“That email was cruel.”

Gabriel’s eyebrows knitted together. “I know. But since I was sending it from my university account to your university account, I assumed you’d realize it was all for show. Have I ever spoken to you like that before?”

She gave him a challenging look.

He winced. “I mean, have I spoken to you like that since I realized who you were?”

“Could the university really demand that you stop talking to me?”

Gabriel shrugged. “They did. The threat of Christa’s lawsuit was hanging over all of us. Jeremy seemed to think that if I took a leave of absence that he could convince Christa to drop the lawsuit. And he did. But once again, he said that if he found out I was still seeing you, he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me.”

“That’s blackmail.”

“That’s academia. Christa’s lawsuit would have damaged the department, possibly irreparably. Jeremy would have lost the ability to recruit top faculty and students because people would hear that it wasn’t a safe place to be. I didn’t want to be embroiled in a scandal any more than he did, and I certainly didn’t want you hauled into a courtroom as a witness.”

Gabriel cleared his throat, clearly struggling. “I agreed. Jeremy and the Dean made it clear that they would interview you at the end of the semester to see if I’d kept my promise. I had no choice.”

Julia toyed with the folds of her dress. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you demand a recess so you could explain what was happening? We were a couple, Gabriel. We were supposed to work together.”

He swallowed thickly. “What would have happened if I’d taken you aside and explained what I was about to do?”

“I wouldn’t have let you go through with it.”

“Exactly. I wasn’t going to allow you to lose everything because of my failures. I couldn’t live with that. I only hoped that you would forgive me—someday.”

Julia was stunned.

“You were willing to risk everything to save me, thinking that I might not forgive you?”

“Yes.”

Julia felt her eyes grow teary, and she swiped at them blindly. “I wish you could have told me.”

“So do I, but I promised Jeremy that I’d stay away. Before he entered the hallway, I tried to speak to you, but John and Soraya kept interrupting.”

“I know, but—”

He interrupted her. “If I’d told you it was only temporary, they would have realized from your expression. They would have known I had no intention of following through on my promise. I’d given my word.”

“But you planned to break it.”

“Yes. Yes, I did.” He was quiet again for a moment, looking off into the distance.

“That doesn’t make sense, Gabriel. You made all kinds of promises to them, but you broke them. You put the textbook in my box, you wrote me a message…”

“I planned to do more. I was going to email you, saying that it was only until the end of the semester. Once you’d graduated and I’d resigned, we would renew our relationship. That is, if you still wanted me.”

Gabriel’s voice dropped. “I knew you would be watched. And that the Dean would interview you to find out if I’d kept my promise. I worried about your ability to lie.”

“That’s bullshit,” said Julia fiercely. “You could have sent me an email and explained that I needed to pretend to be heartbroken. I’m not a great actress, but I can act a little.”

“There were other—factors.”

She closed her eyes. “When I fell, you looked at me as if you hated me. You looked disgusted.”

“Julia, please.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her to his chest. “That look was not meant for you. Any disgust I felt was directed at the hearing and myself. That look was not meant for you, I swear.”

Julia shed more than a few tears at that moment, the consequence of shock and anxiety and a measure of relief at having her questions answered. But some of the most important questions remained.

“I hate that I’ve made you cry again,” Gabriel said ruefully, running a hand up and down her back to comfort her.

Julia wiped her eyes. “I need to go home.”

“You can stay with me tonight.” He glanced down at her cautiously.

She was conflicted. Staying with him could possibly undercut all the things she had yet to say, but running back to her cold, dark apartment seemed cowardly. As always, she knew that once she allowed herself to curl into his side, her body and heart would drag her mind along with them.

“I should go.” She sighed in defeat. “But I can’t bring myself to leave right now.”

“Then stay—in my arms.” He kissed her forehead, murmuring his love against her skin.

Slowly, he extricated himself from her embrace and retrieved a couple of blankets, pausing to blow out the candles as he did so. He left the tea lights lit in the Moroccan lamps overhead, admiring the play of light and color against the walls of the tent. The very air shimmered.

They made a nest together in the center of the futon. Gabriel lay on his back with his beloved at his side. He did nothing to stifle the deep sigh of contentment that escaped his lips as he wrapped his arm about her shoulders.

“Gabriel?”

“Yes?” He stroked her hair slowly, reveling in the feel of the silkiness of the strands as they slipped through his fingers. He tried to savor her new, unfamiliar scent but found himself mourning the loss of the old one.

“I—missed you.”

“Thank you.” He squeezed her tightly as a feeling of cautious relief coursed through him.

“I used to lie awake at night, wishing you were with me.”

Gabriel’s eyes watered at the sound of her vulnerability and her courage. If he ever had a moment’s doubt that he would love and admire her forever, no matter whether she chose him or not, that doubt faded away like a wisp of smoke.

“Me too.”

She hummed to herself and within minutes, the two weary, former lovers were sound asleep.