They clashed, they snarled, they bared their teeth. They weren’t kidding here. They were both alpha males trying to claim their mate. At that moment I hated what we were, hated that we could be reduced to wild animals governed by instinct instead of by our hearts and minds.
“Don’t do this!” I yelled, but they ignored me.
This was worse than the fight they’d had in the cave. I’d sustain more than a black eye if I tried to get between them. I was likely to end up with a gaping hole in my throat.
They broke apart and then came back together, growling and snapping their jaws. Shifters are larger and stronger than the wolves in the wild. Connor and Rafe were well matched, and they weren’t afraid to fight, to tear at each other.
I pushed myself to my feet. I had to stop this madness. I’d loved Connor forever and loved Rafe just a short time. Which was more important: the length of time or the intensity of emotion?
They separated, and the golden wolf slowly circled the black wolf. Rafe seemed to be hurt. When we are bitten by one of our kind, the wound we receive doesn’t heal as quickly as those delivered by other animals. Something in our saliva stops the healing process that usually occurs when we’re injured while in wolf form. I wondered what Mason might do with that information. If you had no vulnerabilities, you could never be destroyed. We, however, could be destroyed.
Judging by how heavily Rafe was breathing, how still he was, how he was sizing up Connor and waiting…I knew he’d been hurt. In the moonlight, I could see a dark dampness on his fur. It flowed from near his throat, the most vulnerable part of his wolf form. If Connor had nicked Rafe’s carotid artery, though, he’d have bled out already. That hadn’t happened, but it looked like he’d gotten him good anyway.
I knew Connor, had seen him fight, knew he could be lethal. I knew he had the habit of sizing up his opponent and determining his weakness—and then he’d strike. He suddenly became still, put his weight back on his haunches, and I knew he was going to go for the kill….
I also knew that Connor’s primal instincts had taken over. He always worked so hard to control them, to be more human than beast, to be civilized. When Connor emerged from his barbaric haze, if Rafe was dead, Connor would never forgive himself. I suspected that if Rafe came out the victor, he would live with regrets over killing Connor. I also knew that regardless of who died, I would always blame myself because I hadn’t been strong enough to make my choice before it was too late.
“No!” I screamed as I ran for them.
The moonlight washed over me and pain shot through my body. It was more intense than I had ever expected. I doubled over and fell to my knees.
Connor launched himself at Rafe.
Rafe lunged for him in return. I heard the clash of bone and flesh. I struggled to my feet and staggered toward them. I felt as though my bones had turned into shards of glass.
I had to do this. I had to reach them. Since the beginning of summer I’d begun to have doubts. I’d shared my doubts with them and made them each feel less than who they were. This wasn’t their battle to fight. It was mine.
I thought about the joy I felt when I was with Rafe. I thought about how I always wanted him to touch me, how desperately I wanted to touch him. I remembered how he’d admitted hungering for me. That desire for him lived inside me, too, terrifying me with its intensity. I’d been afraid to give in to it, to embrace it. I’d feared that it was temporary.
But I knew now that it was the call of my mate, the lure of my destiny. If I didn’t accept and fight for it now, I would lose it forever.
Rafe and Connor were rolling over the ground, snarling and snapping at each other. Two feral beasts, exhibiting nature at its most untamed—but inside there was still that spark of human that separated us from the true wolves. I was counting on that now.
I dropped to my knees and cried, “I choose Rafe! With all that I am and all that I will be, I choose Rafe as my mate.”
They both stilled at once. I looked into the brown eyes of the one who, in only a short time, I’d come to love more than anything. In those brown depths, I didn’t see victory or satisfaction. I saw instead a love so deep, so powerful, that if I hadn’t already been on my knees I would have fallen to them.
I shifted my gaze to the eyes of blue. I saw hurt pride there—but no deep loss, no true devastation.
“I’m sorry, Connor,” I said softly. Pain ripped through me and I bit back a scream. “I wanted it to be you. You’ve been with me for every important moment in my life—but this moment belongs to Rafe. I love him so much that it scares me. You were the easier choice, but the wrong one.”
The black wolf pulled away from the blond one and moved beyond my vision. The blond wolf slowly rolled over to his feet. With a last look in my direction, he loped off into the forest.
Agony poured through me like molten fire. I doubled over, refusing to scream.
Suddenly, Rafe was kneeling beside me, the robe wrapped around him, his hands grasping my arms. “Lindsey, do you accept me as your mate?”
I looked into his beautiful chocolate eyes, could see the blood flowing from his shoulder where Connor had dug his fangs into Rafe’s flesh. I nodded. “Yes, Rafe. I love you.”
He pulled me close, held me tightly, and kissed me. I concentrated on the strength in his arms, the power of his kiss. It was what I needed to distract me. The pain began to recede, like waves that had washed up on the shore. It had seemed so powerful, so overwhelming, but now it was easing away and all that surrounded me was Rafe—Rafe and whatever he might feel for me.
He’d fought for me. It was something the ancients had done, but as far as I knew no one had done it in modern times. I was overwhelmed that he would risk so much for me, overwhelmed that Connor had answered the call to fight—and then walked away. I didn’t have time to think about that or what it might mean.
All I could think about was Rafe and all the strange sensations running through me, as though my blood now contained a thousand glittering stars. Rafe deepened the kiss. I was tingling all over with a sensation that seemed caught between pleasure and pain, and then I felt as though I’d been harboring fireworks that suddenly burst through me….
Rafe was no longer kissing me, but was nuzzling his cold nose against mine. He was a wolf.
And so was I.
I glanced down. I was just as I’d always thought I’d be. A beautiful white, like the Arctic wolf.
You’re so pretty.
The words popped into my head, and I realized they weren’t my thoughts. They were Rafe’s.
I can hear your thoughts.
If wolves could grin, he was grinning.
Forgive me for challenging Connor, but I couldn’t give you up that easily, not without a fight.
You could have been killed.
I’m not usually one for corny thoughts, but if I couldn’t be your mate, I didn’t care what happened.
Don’t ever do that again.
I won’t.
I glanced around.
Where’s Connor? He’ll always be my friend. I should go to him.
Trust me. He’ll want to be alone for now. You can find him later.
He nuzzled my throat.
I want to show you the world through the eyes of a wolf.
He started to lope away, and I rushed after him. It was strange that my heart no longer had any doubts. It seemed silly now that I hadn’t known my own heart’s desire.
Rafe was the one. The one I loved deeply, the one I wanted with me through all the challenges in my life. I knew that now, could feel it just as I felt my own heart pumping throughout my wolf’s body.
We climbed to a spot on the mountain where we could look out over the national forest and up into the vast expanse of sky. In the shape of a wolf, I felt a stronger connection to it all, as though I were more attuned to nature.
Part of me was sad that Connor wasn’t here with me. He’d been with me through so many important moments—but now I understood that I was never meant to share this moment with Connor. It was Rafe’s moment. It had always been his.
I looked over at Rafe.
I love you.
In the silence of the night, I heard his answer.
I love you, too.
I can’t explain what it’s like to take another form. On the one hand, everything is totally different: the way I move, the way I think, the way I perceive the world. On the other hand, none of it is strange. It’s still me.
After what must have been hours but seemed like only minutes, Rafe and I returned to the clearing. I closed my eyes and imagined myself as I’d always been—even though I’d never again be what I was before the wonder of this transformation. But I saw myself as a girl. I felt a tingling, like an electrical current, running through me—and when I opened my eyes, I was once again in human form. Reaching down, I picked up the robe I’d been wearing before the change and draped it over my shoulders.
Looking around, I saw Rafe coming out of the forest. Wearing his jeans, he held his shirt in one hand and his shoes in the other.
Suddenly I felt more exhausted than I’d thought possible. I swayed. Immediately he was beside me, wrapping his arm around me, drawing me up against his side. I felt a soul-deep connection with him that I’d never experienced with Connor. Part of me was sad, hoping that my childhood friend would be okay. A part of me even missed him. But most of me was still just blown away by all that had happened on this night. I finally knew who my true mate was. I rested my head in the curve of his shoulder.
“It can wear you out the first time,” Rafe said quietly, pressing a kiss against my temple.
“Only the first time?”
“It gets easier.”
With my first transformation, I had finished healing. The gash on my leg and the hole in my shoulder were both gone, having left behind only minimal scars. The wounds Rafe had received tonight, the result of a Shifter bite, were slower to heal but weren’t life threatening; they’d leave scars, but then, I had a couple as well. And I have to admit it: I thought his scars were sexy because they were a testament to what he had been willing to give up for me.
He led me toward the cavern behind the waterfall. Once inside, he released his hold on me, tossed his shirt and shoes to the side, and began preparing a place for us to sleep. I sank down onto the ground and drew my legs up beneath me. I watched as he worked, arranging only one pallet. Tonight there was no question that we would sleep together. For the first time it would be without guilt, without feeling as though I were betraying Connor.
I’d made my choice—and by leaving, he’d accepted it.
I thought about putting on my clothes, but my skin was still incredibly sensitive. I remembered how my mother always wore silk; perhaps this increased sensitivity was a side effect.
I shoved myself to my feet. “Let me help.”
Crouching beside the mound of blankets and pillows, he looked up at me. I thought I’d never grow tired of gazing into his warm, brown eyes, seeing the tenderness there that he felt for me. “No. This is part of the ritual.”
Suddenly I was a little nervous. Girls always talked about the transformation and being with their mates, but they never really talked about what came after. I knelt opposite him. “Really?”
“Yeah. Back in the old days this would be the first night that a couple would sleep together.”
“How do you know that?”
“Mating 101.”
I laughed, and some of the tension eased.
“Hey, I’m not kidding,” he said, his voice serious, his smile warm. “The elders make us sit through a lecture on how we’re supposed to treat our mates.”
I dropped my head back and groaned. “Brittany is so right. We’re totally archaic.”
My stomach tightened as I thought about her. I shifted my attention to the waterfall.
“She’ll be all right,” Rafe said.
I wasn’t so sure. “If I’d made the right choice earlier, Connor might have been with her.” Had my indecision killed her?
“No, he wouldn’t have. And knowing Brittany, she wouldn’t have taken a castoff.”
“I think she would have taken him. She…well, I think she loves him. Or at least she thinks she does. I mean, how can you ever really know until you’ve spent time alone with a person?”
“Then maybe they’ll hook up after tonight.”
If she survived…
She had to. She had to be okay.
Sitting on the blankets, Rafe moved closer to me and skimmed his fingers along my cheek. “She’ll be okay. She’s been preparing for tonight—working out, eating right. She’s in great shape. She’ll handle the change just fine.”
He was right. I had to believe that. I didn’t want anything to ruin our first night together as mates. I shoved all thoughts of Bio-Chrome and Brittany and the outside world to the farthest corners of my mind. Tonight was mine—mine and Rafe’s.
He swept in for a kiss, and I stopped him with a hand to his shoulder. “You can read my mind,” I said. “When you’re not in wolf form.”
“Yes. True mates are always in tune, regardless of the form they’re in. Concentrate and you’ll know what I’m thinking.”
It was a little difficult to concentrate on his mind when his mouth was doing such wicked things with mine. He was kissing me more deeply than he ever had. It was as though he wanted to brand me as his—but the full moon had already accomplished that. It had forced me to choose, and I’d chosen him.
We tumbled onto the mound of blankets. With so many of them piled up, they were more comfortable than I’d expected. Rafe held me close, our arms and legs intertwined. The robe I’d been wearing became nothing more than a blanket to cover us. Skimming my fingers over his bare chest and shoulders, I wondered if his skin was as sensitive as mine.
“Yes,” he murmured before he came in for another kiss.
Once again I tried to focus on his thoughts rather than on the kiss.
Silky…warm…mine…forever…
He was lost in the awe of it all, the wonder of us. I let my thoughts go, let everything go until there was nothing except us.
I felt much stronger the next day when Rafe and I packed up and began our journey back to Wolford. He was certain the Dark Guardians would be gathering there. Lucas had sent out word. We needed to begin preparing for our battle with Bio-Chrome.
We traveled slowly, taking our time. We wanted to remain in this blissful state as long as possible, because we knew hell would soon be nipping at our heels as we faced Mason and his father. I knew my parents would be at Wolford, waiting to officially welcome Connor into the family.
Surprise! I finally listened to my heart and not yours.
My parents were probably not going to be pleased with my choice, but something had happened as a result of my transformation—or maybe it had happened before, when I’d finally found the courage to make my choice. I felt as though I’d come into my own. I loved my parents and wanted to make them proud of me—but no longer at the cost of my own happiness. If they didn’t accept Rafe as my mate, well, then they’d lose me.
It was the pull of destiny, the call of wild beast to wild beast, but I knew I belonged with him.
Near twilight a couple of days later, we arrived at Wolford. We went through the front door into the foyer of the mansion. I tensed as my mom and dad emerged from a hallway.
“Hey, Mom. Dad. You know Rafe.”
My mom did the weirdest thing. She smiled and hugged Rafe as though he were a long-lost relative. When she stepped back, Dad shook his hand.
“Connor explained…,” Mom faltered.
Dad finished. “He said…well, he confessed that he didn’t truly love Lindsey in that way. Inconceivable! All these years it seemed as though he adored you. Sometimes you just never know about a person.”
Sometimes you don’t even know about yourself.
“Speaking of Connor, do you know where he is?” I wanted to see him, just for a moment, to know that he was all right.
“He and Lucas are in the library talking with the elders again about this Bio-Chrome situation.”
“What about Brittany? Has she come back?” I asked.
Reaching out, Mom straightened the collar on my shirt, as though I needed to be sharply dressed to stand up to the news she was about to deliver. “No, no one’s heard from her.”
I felt a pain so sharp that Mom might as well have slapped me. “Have they sent out anyone to look for her?”
“They have no idea where to look.”
She sounded so damned calm—as though I’d simply asked her to change her blouse.
“That’s no excuse.” The idiocy of
no one
looking for her! Not even her mom? Then I remembered that her mom had gone to Europe. Bad timing on her part. How I refrained from shouting was beyond me; maybe the shift had caused me to mature. “She has to be in the forest. We start at one end and we sweep through to the other. She could be hurt, suffering because she went through the transformation alone. Or, God forbid, Bio-Chrome might have her.”
I didn’t want to say out loud that she might also be dead. I absolutely did not want to go there.
Rafe put his arm around me and drew me up against his side. There was strength and comfort in his gesture. “I’ll talk with Lucas, see what we can do about looking for her. We’ll find her.”
He briefly brushed his lips over mine in reassurance before saying good-bye to my parents and heading toward the library to find Lucas.
“He seems like a nice young man,” my mother said.
“He is,” I assured her. “He’s totally awesome. And I love him more than I thought it was possible to love someone.”
“We always thought you and Connor—”
“I know, Dad,” I said, cutting him off. “But see, it’s always been my decision, my choice. I chose Rafe.”
Dad gave me a warm smile. “Well, at least now I have someone who can keep my car running.”
“You have more than that, dear,” Mom said sternly. “You have someone who can make our daughter very happy.”
I couldn’t have been more stunned if she’d suddenly announced she wasn’t a Shifter.
“Oh, don’t look so shocked,” she said. “I was young once. Someday I’ll tell you about all the hoops your father jumped through to win me.”
“I can’t wait.” But I also couldn’t wait to see Kayla or Connor—or to figure out what we were going to do about Brittany.
After hugging my parents and making plans to have dinner with them, I took my backpack upstairs to the bedroom I was sharing with Kayla and Brittany. Kayla was sitting on the window seat when I walked in. She hopped up, ran across the room, and hugged me.
“I’ve been so worried about you.”
I smiled at her. “I’m fine.”
“So you chose Rafe.”
I didn’t think it was possible, but my grin grew. “Yeah. I love him so much, Kayla. If he doesn’t think I hang the moon and the stars, I don’t care, because I think he does.”
She squeezed my hands. “I’m so happy for you, Lindsey. I sorta always felt like he was the one for you.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“Because it had to be your choice, your decision.”
For someone who had just joined our pack, she was learning quickly.
My smile faded. “Have you seen Connor?”
She nodded. “He’s going to be okay. So tell me, was the transformation everything you thought it would be?”
I nodded. “And more.” I slung my backpack onto my bed. “I’m worried about Brittany, though.”
“Yeah, me, too. She just disappeared. No one knows where she went.”
“They’re not even trying to find her.”
Kayla grimaced. “Not exactly true. They’re just not announcing it because people are very tense right now with this whole Bio-Chrome mess. They sent a couple of Guardians out to search for her. But they’re leaving most of us here just in case we’re attacked.”
“We should all be looking for her.”
“And leave Wolford unprotected?”
She was right—the elders were here, our history was here—but I didn’t like it.
“Besides, it hasn’t really been that long. Maybe she’s just taking her time getting here.”
“Maybe.” But it didn’t feel right to me. Something was wrong. I just knew it.
I walked over to the window and glanced out. Connor was walking toward the forest. I wondered if Rafe’s presence had made him leave the library. “I need to go talk with Connor.”
I rushed out of the residence and into the forest. Strange, but I caught Connor’s scent even though I wasn’t in wolf form. I followed it until I came to a small stream. He was standing beside it.
“Hey,” I said quietly as I approached.
He glanced over his shoulder. “Hey, yourself. How does it feel to be a full-fledged Dark Guardian?”
“Amazing.” I stopped beside him. “Connor—”
“Please don’t apologize again,” he interrupted. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since the other night. You’ve been my friend forever. I just always thought we were destined to be together, but the truth is…what I felt for you—I’m not sure it was love. Not the kind that Lucas has with Kayla. And not what you have with Rafe. Believe it or not, I’m really happy for you. I’m glad you found that.”
Fighting back the tears, I hugged him tightly. I needed to do that in order to truly let him go. I leaned back and held his gaze. “I do love you, Connor.”
“And Rafe.”
“Absolutely, I love him, too. And differently. But you’re still my friend. You’ll always be my friend.”
“You’ll always be mine, too.”
We started walking back to the residence. “I’m worried about Brittany,” I told him.
“Don’t be. If there’s anyone who can survive going through the transformation alone, it’s her.”
“She likes you, you know.”
He shook his head. “Don’t even go there. I think I’m going to go girlfriend-less for a while.”
“Oh, don’t do that,” I pleaded. “There’s someone for you.”
“We’ll see. But it sure isn’t going to be Brittany.”
I didn’t say anything, but I knew Brittany could be pretty stubborn. If she wanted Connor, I wasn’t sure he’d stand a chance.
That, of course, depended on whether she was still alive.
Later that night, after I’d gone to sleep, I woke up again. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what had startled me. But I had that sense of something not being right.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on Rafe. Then I felt the connection as his mind called out to me:
Miss you.
Miss you, too. Where are you?