Read French Children Don't Throw Food Online
Authors: Pamela Druckerman
French Children Don't Throw Food (35 page)
After just a few days, Bean’s English – which was once mid-Atlantic-mysterious with a British twist – now sounds almost fully American. She says ‘car’ with a full, flat ‘ahr’. However, she’s definitely milking her status as an expatriate. My mum says they listened to her language tapes in the car, and that Bean declared, ‘That man doesn’t know French.’
Bean does try to figure out what’s happened in Paris since she has been away. ‘Is Daddy fat? Is Mummy old?’ she asks us, after about a week. My mum says Bean keeps telling people when I’ll arrive in Miami, how long I’ll stay, and where we’ll go after that. Just as Françoise Dolto predicted, she needs both independence and a rational understanding of the world.
When I tell friends about Bean’s trip, their reactions split
straight
down national lines. The North Americans say that Bean is ‘brave’ and ask how she’s coping with the separation. No Anglophone parents I know are sending kids her age off for ten-day stints with their grandparents, especially not across an ocean. But my French friends assume that detaching a bit is good for everyone. They take for granted that Bean is having fun on her own, and that I’m enjoying a well-deserved break.
As the kids become more independent, Simon and I are getting along better. He’s still irritable, and I’m still irritating. But he’s decided that it’s OK to be cheerful sometimes, and to admit that he enjoys my company. Every once in a while, he even laughs at my jokes.
I’ve made concessions too. I micromanage him less, even when I come out in the morning and he’s serving the kids unshaken orange juice. I’ve figured out that, like them, he craves autonomy. If that means a glass full of pulp for me, so be it. I no longer ask what he’s thinking about. I’ve learned to cultivate – and appreciate – having some mystery in our marriage.
Last summer, we went back to the seaside town where I first noticed all those French children eating happily in restaurants. This time, instead of having one child, we have three. And instead of trying to manage in a hotel, we wisely rent a house with a kitchen.
One afternoon, we take the kids out for lunch at a restaurant near the port. It’s one of those idyllic French summer days, when the whitewashed buildings glow in the midday sun. All five of us are able to enjoy it. We order our
food
calmly, and in courses. Everyone stays in their seats and enjoys their food – including some fish and vegetables. Nothing lands on the floor, and there’s no shouting. It isn’t as relaxing as dining out alone with Simon. But it really does feel like we’re on holiday. We even have coffee at the end of the meal.
Glossary of French Parenting Terms
Attend
(ah-tahn) – Wait, stop. A command that a French parent says to a child. ‘Wait’ implies that the child doesn’t require immediate gratification, and that he can entertain himself for a few seconds or minutes.
Au revoir
– Goodbye. What a French child must say when he leaves the company of a familiar adult. It’s one of the four French ‘magic words’ for kids. See
bonjour
.
Autonomie
– Autonomy. The blend of independence and self-reliance that French parents encourage in their children from an early age.
Bêtise
(beh-teeze) – A small act of naughtiness. Labelling an offence a mere
bêtise
helps parents respond to it with moderation.
Bonjour
– Hello. What a child must say when he encounters a familiar adult.
Caca boudin
(caca booh-dah) – Literally, ‘caca sausage’. A curse word used almost exclusively by French preschoolers.
Cadre
(kah-druh) – Frame or framework. A visual image that
describes
the French parenting ideal: setting firm limits for children, but giving them tremendous freedom within those limits.
Caprice
(kah-preese) – A child’s impulsive whim, fancy or demand, often accompanied by whining or tears. French parents believe it is damaging to accede to
caprices
.
Classe verte
– Green class. An annual class trip in which children as young as six or seven spend a week or so in a natural setting. The teacher chaperones, along with a few other adults.
Colonie de vacances
– Holiday camp. One of hundreds of group holidays for kids as young as four, without their parents, usually in the countryside.
Complicité
– Complicity. The mutual understanding that French parents and caregivers try to develop with children, beginning from birth.
Complicité
implies that even small babies are rational beings, with whom adults can have reciprocal, respectful relationships.
Crèche
(kresh) – A full-time French nursery, subsidized and regulated by the government. Middle-class French parents generally prefer crèches to nannies or childminding in private homes.
Doucement
(doo-ceh-mahn) – Gently, carefully. A word that French parents and caregivers say frequently to small children.
Doucement
implies that children are capable of controlled, mindful behaviour.
Doudou
(doo-doo) – The obligatory comfort object for young children. It’s usually a floppy stuffed animal.
École maternelle
– France’s free state preschool. It begins in September of the year a child turns three.
Éducation
(eh-doo-cah-see-ohn) – Upbringing; the way that French parents raise their kids.
Enfant roi
(an-fahn rwa) – child king; an excessively demanding child who is constantly the centre of his parents’ attention, and who can’t cope with frustration.
Équilibre
(Eh-key-lee-bre) – Balance. Not letting any one part of life – including being a parent – overwhelm the other parts.
Éveillé/e
(eh-vay-yay) – Awakened, alert, stimulated. This is one of the ideals for French children. The other is for them to be
sage
.
Gourmand/e
(goohre-mahn/d) – Someone who eats too quickly, too much of one thing, or too much of everything.
Goûter
(gooh-tay) – The afternoon snack for kids, eaten at about 4 pm. The
goûter
is the only snack of the day. It can also be a verb: did you already
goûter
?
Les gros yeux
(leh grohz yuh) – The big eyes. The look of admonishment that French adults give children. It signals that they should stop doing a
bêtise
.
Maman-taxi
– Taxi mother. A woman who spends much of her
free
time shuttling her children to extracurricular activities. This is not
équilibré
.
N’importe quoi
(nem-port-a kwa) – Whatever; anything you like. A child who does
n’importe quoi
acts without limits or regard for others.
Non
– No. Absolutely not.
profiter
(proh-feeh-teh) – to enjoy the moment and take advantage of it.
Punir
(pooh-near) – To punish. To be
puni
– punished – is serious and important.
Rapporter
– To tell on someone; to grass. French children and adults believe that it’s very bad to do this.
Sage
(sah-je) – Wise and calm. This describes a child who is in control of himself or absorbed in an activity. Instead of saying ‘be good’, French parents say ‘be
sage
’.
Bibliography
Antier, Edwige, ‘Plus on lève la main sur un enfant, plus il devient agressif’,
Le Parisien
, 15 November 2009.
Auffret-Pericone, Marie, ‘Comment réussir à se faire obéir?’,
Enfant
, October 2009.
Badinter, Élisabeth,
L’Amour en Plus: Histoire de l’amour maternel
, Paris: Flammarion, 1980.
Badinter, Élisabeth,
Le Conflit: la femme et la mère
, Paris: Flammarion Lettres, 2010.
Belsky, Jay, ‘Effects of Child Care on Child Development: Give Parents Real Choice’, March 2009.
Bennhold, Katrin, ‘Where having it all doesn’t mean having equality’,
New York Times
, 11 October 2010.
Bloom, Paul, ‘Moral Life of Babies’,
New York Times Magazine
, 3 May 2010.
Bornstein, Marc H., Catherine S. Tamis-LeMonda, Marie-Germaine Pecheux and Charles W. Rahn, ‘Mother and infant activity and interaction in France and in the United States: a comparative study’,
International Journal of Behavioral Development
(1991), 21–43.
Bronson, Po and Ashley Merryman,
NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children
, New York: Twelve, 2009.
Calhoun, Ada, ‘The battle over “cry it out” sleep training’, 17 March 2010,
Salon.com
.
Carroll, Raymonde,
Cultural Misunderstandings: The French-American Experience
, Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1990.
Cimpian, Andrei, Holly-Marie C. Arce, Ellen M. Markman and Carol S. Dweck, ‘Subtle linguistic cues affect children’s motivation’,
Association for Psychological Science
, 18:4, 2007.
Cohen, Abby J., ‘A brief history of federal financing for child care in the United States’,
The Future of Children: Financing Child Care
, 6 (1996).
Cohen, Michel,
The New Basics
, New York: Collins, 2004.
Delahaye, Marie-Claude,
Livre de Bord de la Future Maman
, Marabout, 2007.
De Leersnyder, Hélène,
L’enfant et son sommeil
, Paris: Robert Laffont, 1998.
Dolto, Françoise and Danielle Marie Lévy,
Parler juste aux enfants
, Paris: Gallimard, 2002.
Dolto, Françoise,
Les Étapes majeures de l’enfance
, Paris: Gallimard, 1994.
Dolto, Françoise,
Lettres de jeunesse: Correspondance 1913–1938
, Paris: Gallimard, 2003.
Dyck, Vera and Kerry Daly, ‘Rising to the challenge: fathers’ role in the negotiation of couple time’,
Leisure Studies
, 25:2 (2006), 201–17.
Eisenberg, Arlene, Heidi E. Murkoff and Sandee Hathaway,
What to Expect: The Toddler Years
, London: Simon and Schuster, 1996.
Epstein, Jean, ‘
Parents, faites-vous confiance!
’ Interview on
aufeminin.com
.
Ford, Gina,
The New Contented Little Baby Book
, London: Vermilion, 2006.
Franrenet, Sandra, ‘Quelles punitions pour nos fripons?’,
madame.lefigaro.fr
, 28 February 2011
Galinsky, Ellen, Kerstin Aumann and James T. Bond,
Times Are
Changing
: Gender and Generation at Work and at Home
, Families and Work Institute, 2009.
Gerkens, Danièle, ‘Comment rendre son enfant heureux?’ Interview with Aldo Naori,
Elle
magazine, 26 February 2010.
Girard, Isabelle, ‘
Pascal Bruckner et Laurence Ferrari: Le Mariage? Un acte de bravoure’, Le Figaro – Madame
, 11 September 2010.
Guiliano, Mireille,
French Women Don’t Get Fat
, New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2005.
Hausmann, Ricardo, Laura D. Tyson and Saadia Zahidi, ‘The Global Gender Gap Report 2010’, World Economic Forum.
Hulbert, Ann,
Raising America: Experts, Parents, and a Century of Advice About Children
, New York: Vintage Books, 2004.
Kahneman, Daniel and Alan B. Krueger, ‘Developments in the measurement of subjective well-being’, J
ournal of Economic Perspectives
, 20:1 (2006), 3–24.
Kamerman, Sheila, US Senate Testimony, 27 March 2001.
Kamerman, Sheila, ‘A global history of early childhood education and care’, background paper, Unesco, 2006.
Krueger, Alan B., Daniel Kahneman, Claude Fischler, David Schkade, Norbert Schwarz and Arthur A. Stone, ‘Time use and subjective well-being in France and the US’,
Social Indicators Research
93 (2009), 7–18.
Krueger, Alan B., ed.,
Measuring the Subjective Well-Being of Nations: National Accounts of Time Use and Well-Being
, Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 2009.
Lareau, Annette,
Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race and Family Life
, Berkeley: University of California Press, 2003.
Lareau, Annette, ‘Questions and answers about unequal childhoods’,
http://sociology.sas.upenn.edu/a_lareau2
Marbeau, J. B. F.,
The Crèche or a Way to Reduce Poverty by Increasing the Population
(trans. Vanessa Nicolai), Montreal: 1994 (first published 1845).
Marcelli, Daniel,
Il est permis d’obéir
, Paris: Albin Michel, 2009.
Melmed, Matthew, Statement submitted to the Committee on Education and Labor, US House of Representatives, Hearing on Investing in Early Education: Improving Children’s Success, 23 January 2008.
Mindell, J. A. et al., ‘Behavioral treatment of bedtime problems and night wakings in young children: AASM Standards of Practice’,
Sleep
, 29 (2006), 1263–76.
Mischel, Walter, in G. Lindzey and W. M. Runyan (eds),
A History of Psychology in Autobiography
, Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2007.
Mogel, Wendy,
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
, New York: Scribner, 2001.
Murkoff, Heidi, Arlene Eisenberg and Sandee Hathaway,
What to Expect When You’re Expecting
, New York: Pocket Books, 2002.
Ollivier, Debra,
What French Women Know About Love, Sex, and Other Matters of Heart and Mind
, New York: G. P. Putnam’s Sons, 2009.
Parker, Kim, ‘The harried life of the working mother’, Pew Research Center, 1 October 2009.
Pernoud, Laurence,
J’élève mon enfant
, Paris: Éditions Horay, 2007.
Pinella, Teresa and Leann L. Birch, ‘Help me make it through the night: behavioral entrainment of breastfed infants’ sleep patterns’,
Paediatrics
, 1993: 91(2), 436–43.
Prochner, Larry, ‘The American creche: “Let’s do what the French do, but do it our way”’,
Contemporary Issues in Early Childhood
, 4:3 (2003).
Richardin, Sophie, ‘Surfez sur les vagues du désir!’,
Neuf Mois
, February 2009.
Rossant, Lyonel and Jacqueline Rossant-Lumbroso,
Votre Enfant: Guide à l’usage des parents
, Paris: Robert Laffont, 2006.
Rousseau, Jean-Jacques,
Émile or On Education
, trans. Allan Bloom, New York: Basic Books, 1979.
Rousseau, Jean-Jacques,
Émile, or On Education
, trans. NuVision Publications LLC, 2007.
Sawica, Leslie, coordinator,
Le guide des nouvelles mamans
, free booklet prepared with support from the French health ministry.
Senior, Jennifer, ‘All Joy and No Fun’,
New York Magazine
, 12 July 2010.
Sethi, Anita, Walter Mischel, J. Lawrence Aber, Yuichi Shoda and Monica Larrea Rodriguez, ‘The role of strategic attention deployment in development of self-regulation: predicting preschoolers’ delay of gratification from mother–toddler interactions’,
Developmental Psychology
, 36:6 (Nov 2000), 767–77.
Skenazy, Lenore,
Free-Range Kids
, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2009.
Steingarten, Jeffrey,
The Man Who Ate Everything
, New York: Vintage Books, 1997.
Suizzo, Marie-Anne, ‘French and American mothers’ childrearing beliefs: stimulating, responding, and long-term goals’,
Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology
, 35:5 (September 2004), 606–26.
Suizzo, Marie-Anne, ‘French parents’ cultural models and childrearing beliefs’,
International Journal of Behavioral Development
, 26:4 (2002), 297–307.
Suizzo, Marie-Anne, ‘Mother–child relationships in France: balancing autonomy and affiliation in everyday interactions’,
Ethos
, 32:3 (2004), 292–323.
Suizzo, Marie-Anne and Marc H. Bornstein, ‘French and European American child-mother play: culture and gender considerations’,
International Journal of Behavioral Development
, 30:6 (2006), 498–508.
Thirion, Marie and Marie-Josèphe Challamel,
Le sommeil, le rêve et l’enfant: de la naissance à l’adolescence
, Paris: Albin Michel, 2002.
Turkle, Sherry,
Psychoanalytic Politics: Jacques Lacan and Freud’s French Revolution
, New York: The Guilford Press, 1992.
Turkle, Sherry, ‘Tough Love’, Introduction to
When Parents Separate
by Françoise Dolto, Boston: David R. Godine, 1995.
Twenge, Jean M., W. Keith Campbell and Craig A. Foster, ‘Parenthood and marital satisfaction: a meta-analytic review’,
Journal of Marriage and Family
, 65: 3 (August 2003), 574–83.
Warner, Judith,
Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety
, New York: Riverhead Books, 2005.
Zellman, Gail L. and Anne Johansen, ‘Examining the Implementation and Outcomes of the Military Child Care Act of 1989’, research brief, 1998, Rand Corporation.
Zigler, Edward, Katherine Marsland and Heather Lord,
The Tragedy of Child Care in America
, New Haven and London: Yale University Press, 2009.