Slipping out of his suit jacket, he wondered if maybe it wouldn’t be better for both of them if he simply joined her there. It might even be good for Michelle. Maybe all she needed to be free from her past was to keep finding herself in his arms. Because he just didn’t believe she was as in love with her husband as she claimed. If she had been, she wouldn’t have responded to his kisses as she had.
He took a quiet step forward. What if he was wrong? How could he be sure she
wasn’t
still in love with her husband? What if her response to Jacob was a substitute for what she couldn’t have? What if Michelle hated herself when he kissed her? Could he live with that? Was a kiss worth losing the friendship of the woman he loved?
He leaned over her, bracing his weight on the back of the couch as he smoothed her hair away from her face. With a sigh, she turned over, flinging her arm out over the edge of the couch. Something glinted in the light from the single lamp she’d left on. Her wedding ring.
Jacob straightened and backed away. It wasn’t for him to decide whether or not Michelle loved her husband or to determine what was best for her. Even if she
was
hiding behind her marriage vows, he couldn’t be with another man’s wife. And as long as Michelle wore Brian Colby’s ring, that was exactly what she was—another man’s wife.
Jacob went down the hall to check on the girls, giving himself a couple of minutes to pull himself together before he woke Michelle. As he kissed his three sleeping daughters good-night, he promised himself he’d call Ellen first thing in the morning. They’d reached some new understandings tonight. Maybe, for the girls’ sake, they’d be able to salvage some of their old love.
* * *
M
ICHELLE
MISSED
another easy shot and knew there wasn’t any way she was going to win the match.
“You wanna call it quits?” she asked her father.
He picked up her towel and locker key and handed them to her. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so distracted,” he said.
“It’s been a rough week.”
He looked at his watch. “I’ll bet your mother’s home by now. She has a way of making almost anything look better.”
Michelle stood on tiptoe to kiss her father’s cheek. “I love you, Pop.”
“I love you, too, baby. Don’t ever forget that.”
* * *
G
RACE
WAS
OUT
BACK
with a pitcher of lemonade when Michelle and her father got home.
“Everything okay?” she asked, looking from one to the other for an explanation of their early arrival.
“Everything’s fine,” James said, answering for both of them, but Michelle didn’t miss the silent communication that passed between her parents as her father leaned down to kiss his wife. “I think I’ll go fix that drip in the guest bathroom before I take my shower,” he said, taking a glass of lemonade with him.
Grace poured some of the freshly squeezed fruit juice for Michelle as her daughter sat down beside her in the lounge chair. “You want to talk about it?”
“Jacob’s ex-wife is in town.”
“The girls’ mother?” Grace asked, frowning.
Michelle nodded. “He’s seen her three times in the past week.”
“Is she here to stay?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t asked.”
“Why not?”
“I figure if he wants me to know he’ll tell me. It’s not like I have any hold on him.”
Grace nodded. “Is Jacob happy to see her?”
“He doesn’t seem unhappy.”
“So where does that leave you? Are you still spending time with his girls?”
“Some, and I don’t know where it leaves me. Part of the problem is I have no idea where it
should
leave me.” As fast as she blinked them away, tears welled in Michelle’s eyes. She didn’t want to break down in front of her mother. Grace worried enough about her already.
A bird flew over to the patio table and perched on the pitcher of lemonade. Michelle swished it away. “How can I want the man’s children and have nothing to do with the man? I keep telling myself that a relationship with Jacob is wrong, and yet it’s eating me up to think of him out with that woman.”
Grace cast her a motherly glance. “Why do you think that is?”
“Because I’m jealous, that’s why. I can’t have him, but I don’t want anyone else to have him, either. Doesn’t make me a very nice person, does it?”
“It makes you human, honey.”
Michelle stared out at the lush green lawn wishing she were a little girl again, able to climb into her mother’s lap and wait for her to make everything better.
“I’m scared, Mom.”
“I know, sweetie. It may be time for you to make some decisions.”
“I’m afraid I’m going to lose the girls, and I love them so much.” Michelle gazed at her mother. “I don’t know when I started feeling as though they were part mine, but I do know I can’t bear the thought of losing them. If their mother comes home to stay, they aren’t going to need me anymore.”
“Has she been spending a lot of time with them?”
Michelle shook her head. “I don’t think Jacob’s even told them she’s in town. Allie thinks he’s out doing business when he’s with Ellen.”
“But she’s their mother! Doesn’t she want to see them?” Grace asked, her usual calm manner gone.
“I’m not sure Jacob’s given her the chance. She may not want to see them for all I know, but I think that even if she did he wouldn’t allow it. Not until he’s sure she’s not going to hurt them again.”
“He’ll never have that guarantee. Not from anyone.”
“I know. But in Ellen’s case I can see him being especially careful. After all, she deserted them once, so who’s to say she wouldn’t do it again? The last time, she took them to a neighbor while Jacob was at the station and drove off without a backward glance. They were too young to realize what was going on, but something like that would kill the girls now.”
“If it was that bad I’m surprised he’s even seeing her again.”
“Apparently she’s changed. But it still doesn’t seem fair that she can suddenly waltz back into their lives and claim them as if she’d never left. Just because she gave birth to them doesn’t make her their mother, not in the ways that count.”
“No, it doesn’t. But it does give her some legal rights. And the truth of the matter is, honey, if Jacob decides to get back with Ellen, if the five of them become a family again, there’s not a lot you can do about that.”
Michelle’s voice trembled. “Are you saying you think I should just give up?”
“No, sweetheart.” Grace reached across the table for Michelle’s hand. “I’m saying you need to think long and hard about what you want and what you’re willing to do to get it. Answer me this. Are you in love with Jacob?”
The denial that rose automatically to Michelle’s lips froze there. She couldn’t lie to her mother, even if she was still trying desperately to lie to herself. “Maybe,” she whispered, ashamed.
“It’s not wrong to love someone, Michelle.”
“It is when you’re married to someone else.”
“Brian’s been gone a long time, honey. You’re a different woman now. It’s only natural for your feelings to be different, too. If Brian had been here, you two would probably have grown together through the changes the years have brought. But apart, who knows?”
“I’ve always thought the love Brian and I shared was like yours and Daddy’s. I thought it would last forever.”
“If Brian had been here it probably would have. Michelle, your father and I have been together more than thirty years, and yes, we’ve been very lucky to be able to maintain our love throughout our marriage, but a lot of that comes from growing together and coping with life’s challenges as a team. Who’s to say what would’ve happened if we’d been apart for years, dealing with life’s hardships separately?”
The quiet of the afternoon settled around them. “Are you telling me I should forget Brian and tell Jacob I love him?”
“No. Whatever decisions you make have to be ones
you
can live with. And only you can decide that. I wish with all my heart I could help you, but this time I just can’t.”
Michelle leaned over, hugging her mother. “You already have, Mom. Just by being here.”
“That’s one thing you can count on, sweetie.”
* * *
“O
KAY
,
GANG
,
CLIMB
IN
.” Jacob stood in the school parking lot, opening the Explorer’s front and rear passenger doors.
“It’s my turn to sit up front, Meggie,” Jessie said, trying to push her sister aside.
Meggie didn’t budge. “It’s not, either. You sat in front on the way to school.”
“I did not. Allie did.”
“She’s right, Meg. Hop in back with Allie. You’re first tomorrow morning,” Jacob said. He never forgot the seating schedule.
“How come you came and got us today, instead of Nonnie?” Allie asked, climbing in beside her sister.
“Because we need to do some shopping. We’re all out of bread and milk.”
“We coulda goed later. I’m hungry for my snack.”
“Me, too. What’s for a snack, Daddy?” Jessie asked.
Jacob checked to make sure all seat belts were fastened and then put the Explorer into gear. “We’ll stop for ice-cream cones, and we couldn’t go later because I have a date tonight.”
“Another one?” Allie asked.
He glanced at her in the rearview mirror. Her face looked like a disapproving schoolmarm’s. “I was home with you guys last night, Al, and for the most of the weekend, too. You’ve never minded my dating before.”
He caught the look between Allie and her sisters. “We don’t mind, Daddy,” she said. For an actress, she did a pretty poor job of lying.
“Is Michelle coming to stay with us?” Meggie asked.
“Michelle’s having dinner with her parents tonight, punkin. Laurie’s coming.”
“I don’t want Laurie.”
Jacob pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store. “What’s the matter with Laurie?” he asked, turning to face Meghan. His middle child was wearing the stone-faced expression he recognized all too well.
“I want Michelle.”
Allie and Jessie exchanged worried glances. The girls knew better than to talk that way to their dad.
“I already told you that Michelle’s busy tonight, Meghan. Laurie’s coming and I expect you to be good for her.”
Meggie didn’t argue but she didn’t agree, either. She climbed out of the Explorer silently and didn’t say a word for the rest of the outing. Jacob felt as if he was walking a tightrope that was about to shred.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
T
HE
FEELING
WAS
STILL
with Jacob a couple of days later when Nonnie came out to the garage to find him. He was working on Jessie’s bicycle, realigning the chain that had come loose when she’d sideswiped a curb the last time she’d been riding.
The housekeeper stopped just inside the door, her face lined with concern.
“Meghan pinched her fingers in the step stool. I don’t think she’s broken anything, but they’re bleeding and she won’t let me attend to them.”
Jacob dropped his screwdriver and headed toward the house. “What was she doing with the step stool?”
“Trying to reach a puzzle up on her closet shelf.” Nonnie wrung her hands as she hurried beside Jacob.
“Let me guess,” he said, holding the kitchen door open for her. “She didn’t ask for help with that, either, did she?”
“No, Mr. Ryan. I’d have reached it for her if I’d known she wanted it.”
“I know you would’ve, Nonnie. Don’t worry about it.” He headed down the hall toward the sound of running water in the girls’ bathroom.
“Let me
see,
Meggie.” He recognized Allie’s commanding voice.
“I wanna see, Meggie. Is it bad?” Jessie asked.
Both girls stepped aside as Jacob entered the room. “Meggie hurt her hand, Daddy,” Jessie said, wide-eyed.
“On your step stool,” Allie supplied.
Meggie looked at him as he lowered himself to one knee beside her. Fresh tears welled in her big brown eyes. By the look of things, she’d shed more than a few before he’d gotten there.
“What’s the problem, sport?” he asked, removing Meggie’s hand from the water. Her little fingers were icy cold.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.”
“I’m sorry, too, Meg,” he said. The skin had been stripped away just below the knuckles of her index and middle fingers, and the surrounding area was already black-and-blue.
“Can you bend them?” he asked, holding up her hand.
She sniffled, but very slowly all four of her fingers bent forward into his palm.
Jacob reached into the medicine cabinet for some antiseptic cream. “No bones broken, but your hand’s going to be pretty sore for a while. We’ll put some ice on it as soon as we get you cleaned up.”
“Okay, Daddy,” Meggie said, subdued.
“Does it hurt real bad, Meggie?” Jessie asked, watching from the side of the sink.
“Not too bad.”
“She’s not in trouble, is she, Daddy?” Allie wanted to know.
“No, Al. She’s not in trouble.”
But
he
was. Ever since he’d begun going out in the evenings regularly, Meggie had begun withdrawing more and more. First from Laurie and now from Nonnie. The problem wasn’t going to go away. It wasn’t going to take care of itself. And he couldn’t ignore it any longer. He was going to have to have a long talk with Ellen. It was time to bring her home and introduce her to her daughters.
* * *
M
ICHELLE
WENT
to the gym after work on Thursday, needing to release some of the tension building inside her. She was no closer to making any decisions about her life. How could she, in good conscience, forge ahead in a new relationship while she still believed Brian was alive? And yet she dreaded waking up each day and going in to work, afraid Jacob would tell her that he and Ellen were getting married again.
She’d just walked in the front door after an hour at the gym when the telephone rang. Ms. Wilson, the principal from the girls’ school, was calling. A truck had run into a hydro pole by the school, bringing down the power lines. School had to be let out early for the day and Jacob couldn’t be reached.
“I called Mr. Ryan’s housekeeper, Nonnie Moore, but she’s out for the day, as well. Your name was the only other one on the list of approved caregivers,” Ms. Wilson said.
Michelle thought of the traffic between her part of town and Jacob’s. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes, half an hour tops,” she said, hanging up as soon as she’d assured herself that the principal would wait that long.
Still wearing the gray sweats she’d put on after showering at the gym, Michelle hurried out to her car. She didn’t want the girls waiting around like unwanted puppies. As she drove down the 405, she tried to remember if Jacob had said anything about where he was going after work. She couldn’t remember him mentioning anything. She wondered if that meant he was with Ellen; he’d stopped telling Michelle when he was going to be with his ex-wife.
The girls were in the cafeteria with a handful of other students when Michelle arrived. Allie and Jessie were sitting across a table from Meggie, their backs to the door, trying to color by the dull light filtering through the windows. Meggie was watching the door.
She leapt from her seat the second she saw Michelle.
“You really came!” she said, running over to take Michelle’s hand.
Meggie’s grip was like a vise, nearly cutting off the circulation in Michelle’s fingers. “Of course I came,” Michelle said, bending to press a quick kiss on Meggie’s cheek. It was a statement of how distraught Meggie was that she allowed Michelle’s kiss. She’d been limiting their tokens of affection to hugs only.
Allie and Jessie bounced out of their chairs with a flurry of goodbyes to their schoolmates, and Michelle herded the girls out to her car.
“All the lights went out, Michelle, and it was really dark,” Jessie said as Michelle pulled out of the school lot. Jessie and Meggie were strapped in the back seat. The girls had told her that it was Allie’s turn to ride in the front.
“It
was
a little scary,” Allie said.
“And Meggie said you weren’t coming to get us, even though Allie told Ms. Wilson to call you,” Jessie said.
Michelle stopped at the corner and glanced back at Meggie. She was looking out her window.
“Why would you think I wouldn’t come, Meg?”
Meggie shrugged, her head still turned away.
A car honked behind Michelle, and she pulled through the intersection, turned into the parking lot of a convenience store and stopped.
“I told all three of you I’d be here for as long as you needed me, Meg. Didn’t you believe me?”
Meggie nodded. Allie and Jessie were watching the exchange, silent for once.
“So what’s changed?”
“Maybe you didn’t want us anymore.” The words were so soft Michelle could barely hear them. But they hurt. A lot.
She reached back and tapped Meggie’s shoulder. “What would make you think such a thing?” Michelle asked, holding Meggie’s solemn gaze with her own.
“Daddy’s been doing dates. A lot. And not with you.”
Michelle felt a rush of fear.
“And you thought that would make a difference to the way I feel about you three?”
“You won’t marry Daddy if he’s doing dates with other people.”
“I can’t marry your daddy, anyway, Meg. I thought you understood that. I’m already married. But remember what I told you? Even if my husband comes home, even if I have other children someday, nothing’s going to change the way I feel about you. And that works the same if your daddy ever gets married to somebody else. I love you guys.
Nothing’s going to change that—ever.
”
“Even if we’re bad?” Jessie asked.
Michelle smiled at the little girl, barely holding her tears at bay. “Even if you’re bad.”
Allie turned, placing her hand on Michelle’s arm. “Don’t you think you could love our daddy, too?”
“I think your father’s a pretty special man, Allie, but I already promised to love someone else, and your daddy has the right to date anyone he wants to date.”
Allie chewed her lip, pondering that.
“She’s just like all the rest.”
Michelle looked into the back seat. Meggie was staring out the window again.
“Who is, Meg?”
“The lady. She doesn’t want to meet us, just like all the rest.”
“You don’t know that, Meggie.”
Meg looked at Michelle, her eyes too old for her age as she nodded. “Uh-huh. That’s why Daddy always has to go places to be with her without us. People say we’re too much trouble, ’cause there’s three of us all at once, and it’s true ’cause no one ever wants us. They just want to be with Daddy.”
“No, Meggie! It’s not like that at all.” Michelle could hardly believe what she was hearing.
“Meggie’s right, Michelle,” said Allie. “We heard Katie Walters’s mommy say it. And even our own mommy didn’t want us, and not Jennie or all of Daddy’s other girlfriends, either. Besides, people always look at us when we go places and say things to Daddy like ‘You sure have your hands full.’” Allie’s voice grew very adultlike as she mimicked.
“Have you talked to your daddy about this?”
“He told us we’re not too much trouble and it wasn’t our fault Mommy didn’t want to stay with us, but he has to say that, ’cause he’s our daddy, doesn’t he, Allie?” Jessie looked at her sister for confirmation.
Michelle had had no idea things were this bad. “Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, girls, but
I
don’t think you’re a handful at all. I think you’re a heartful. Do you know what that means?”
All three girls shook their heads, their eyes trained on her. “It means that you fill up my heart until it’s full of love. And that’s an awful lot of love, because my heart’s been almost empty for a long time.”
Allie leaned over, hugging Michelle. “We sure wish you were our mommy.”
Michelle took the girls home, and while they waited for Jacob she did everything she could to convince them they were the light of her life. But nothing could stop Meggie’s words from running around and around in her head. There were some home truths Jacob Ryan was about to hear just as soon as Michelle had him to herself.
* * *
M
ICHELLE
WAS
STILL
UPSET
as she drove to work the next morning. Jacob had invited her to stay for dinner the night before, but she’d been too angry with him to pretend, even for the girls’ sake, that nothing was wrong. So she’d gone home, instead, and gotten madder and madder. Jacob had to know what he was doing to his girls. Ms. Wilson had pointed it out to him months ago. He’d told Michelle so himself. So why did he continue to foster the triplets’ belief that no one wanted them? Why was he keeping even their own mother from them?
The radio show was a nightmare. Part of her knew that her attitude was irrational, but her anger continued to fester inside her regardless. And no matter how hard she tried to banter with Jacob as usual, her words kept sounding more like nasty barbs than playful darts.
“You gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Jacob asked as soon as they’d signed off the air. Even in his baggy sweats and T-shirt, he looked pretty intimidating.
Michelle tossed the CD she’d been holding onto the counter. “Yeah, I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You. You’re what’s wrong.” She had no idea where the words came from. She’d never talked to anyone like this before.
Jacob stood up so fast his stool spun. “
I’m
what’s wrong? And how’s that?” His voice had grown soft, deceptively soft.
Michelle stood, too, her back stiffening as she thought of her conversation with the girls. “Your daughters think they’re nothing but trouble—that nobody wants them. Do you realize Meggie didn’t believe I was coming to get them yesterday even after Ms. Wilson told them I was on my way? I know you’re aware of their problems, Jacob, because we’ve talked about them. Is seeing Ellen so important to you that it’s worth your daughters’ emotional stability? Where are your priorities? How can you be so insensitive to their needs?”
And to mine?
Jacob’s jaw clenched, his eyes like flint. “
My
priorities are right where they need to be, right where they’ve always been—with my children. I may not always get it right, but I
always
put them first. And right now what my girls need is a mother. One who’s willing to live with them, not just visit occasionally. And it looks like Ellen might be interested in that.”
“She’s so interested they don’t even know she’s in town?” Michelle asked, sarcastically.
“They don’t know she’s in town because I think it’s in their best interests not to tell them yet. I’m not bringing Ellen back home until I’m certain she’s here to stay. I can’t risk putting them through another one of her dramatic exits.”
“I’m not so sure you’re sparing them anything. They’re already feeling rejected.”
“It would be worse if they grew to love Ellen again and then lost her. At least now they think they aren’t wanted by someone who doesn’t know them. And maybe my way isn’t right. I’ve never claimed to be an expert at this. But at least
I’m
trying.”
“And you think I’m not?”
He slid his hands into the pockets of his sweats. “I guess that is what I think.” His eyes were as hard as a rifle barrel as he delivered his blow. “You claim to care, Michelle, but you wear your wedding band like armor, and whenever things get too much for you, you retreat to your shrine of the past. You tell the girls you love them, but you’re really too frightened to risk loving anyone.”