Four Shades of Recovery: Boxed Set (2 page)

“Megan, you’re magic,” I admit and then pet her lovely face and hair like a precious gem.

I can’t even begin to describe how amazing I feel at the moment. She’s my sun, moon and stars. Having sex with Megan rates as a self-actualizing experience. No other woman’s touch can even come close. Our chemistry and connection goes beyond the physical; it’s primal. She’s Eve, created only for me. Only Megan fulfills me. I’m a fool to think otherwise.

How can I just let her just waltz back into my bed without any explanation? For the moment, I don’t care. I’m home in her arms, which is exactly where I’ve wanted to be for the past year. We both doze for a while before round number two of our sexual reconciliation begins. Our connection feels better than my dreams.

We spend the night making love like never before. I’m shocked by my physical need for this woman. She seems nearly insatiable for me and my sexual skills. I feel like a man who’s been freed from prison. Our hookup feels so right. I hold her precious face between my hands with reverence as I stare into the eyes of the only person who’s ever broken through my armor. My god, I’ve missed her. We fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms. I haven’t slept this well in a year.

I awaken as dawn breaks and gaze upon the contented looking face of my personal sleeping beauty. My body feels wonderful and sated. I’m delirious with joy at the moment. There is no doubt in my mind that I’m still madly in love with the troubled angel sleeping soundly in my arms. However, I must remember that she has all the power because she broke me this past year.

I call to mind the countless number of times that I woke in the night. I’d been all alone in bed. I’d awaken screaming her name, begging her to return. I can’t forget the emotional pain I suffered at first. That was followed by an overwhelming sense of numbness that I endured this past year. How many evenings did I drink myself into a stupor while looking at photos of us together during happier times?

I stared at pictures of her smiling face wondering what feelings were actually hidden behind her façade. She appeared so happy, satisfied and carefree. But something brewed deep in her psyche. Sometimes, while sleeping in our bed, she thrashed about from a night terror. I soothed her with gentle words and kisses. Perhaps I deluded myself into thinking that my love had healed her and made her whole.

She let me in on her guarded soul, I thought. Sometimes, after making love, she told me how safe she felt in my arms. On other occasions she held me and swore she needed me like no other man on the planet. I felt sure that my charms had melted her reserve. I was wrong.

Apparently, I never accomplished full entry into her life. The three little words that caused her to flee meant so much to me. When I uttered those words at last, with enthusiasm, I looked her in the eye. I expected to see her face alight with pleasure. Instead they initiated panic, fear and avoidance. She dashed my hopes, my dreams and broke my heart in that instant. She’s back, for now.

I quickly slip out of bed when I think of the wrenching pain I’ve suffered. I shower, dress and prepare to leave. I make a decision that any bright business person would; when they’re faced with a risky and uncertain investment. I must walk away. If I don’t, I’ll never recover. I leave Megan sleeping in my hotel bed. Checkout occurs at 11am. I head to the breakfast bar at a nearby café and text my therapist, Dr. Edward Stone. I hope to meet with him tonight for an intense therapy session.

Stone got me through the worst of my trauma over Megan’s departure. He helped me to accept that she left of her own free will. He guided me when I attempted to seek her out. Stone convinced me not to follow Megan and beg her to return. After I reluctantly accepted the end of our relationship, Dr. Stone explored my own past issues with abduction and abuse as a child. We spent months working on the emotional train wreck that I’d become in Megan’s absence.

Until our contact yesterday, I felt I’d come to terms with my situation. Once again, I realized how much I’d been fooling myself. As soon as her hand touched me I unraveled. The sparks between us stunned me. It didn’t take much on Megan’s part to ignite the fire in my psyche. A wildfire that still burns brightly for her. She’s my muse.

I head to my office and focus on work. That’s the only method that helps me cope with emotional pain. The hours fly by as I obsess over my latest acquisition. I’m studying all the financial angles, personnel issues and contracts with an intensity driven by anxiety.

By 6pm, I’m waiting to see Dr. Stone in his office. He fit me in after hours because of the urgency of my message. What I texted was: “Megan’s back.” That’s all he needed to know to determine that an emergency situation existed.

He greets me with enthusiasm and concern, “Matt, let’s hear all about Megan.” We sit in his office face to face as I explain the events of yesterday afternoon and evening.

“As I said, Stone. She totally floored me at the conference. I should admit that Megan ambushed me. She claimed that she wanted me, missed me even and her actions spoke louder than words.” When I explain her actions to Dr. Stone, I’m nearly convinced that she’s changed.

“So she sought you out at the conference, bedded you and promised you what?” He’s probing in a manner that makes me anxious. I’m anxious because I know he’s getting at the truth.

I sputter as I realize that she made no mention of love. “Well…no, Megan made no oaths to me.”

“Then you don’t know where this reconciliation is going?” His insights cause me to flinch.

“I walked out before she could tell me anything. However, I do want to know where she’s been, why she’s back and what she wants with me,” I assert at last with some confusion.

“You left her asleep in your hotel room. Does that mean that you weren’t ready to hear her explanation?”

“Correct,” I admit with a sigh. “Making love to Megan last night felt so right. It all happened so fast, though. I felt vulnerable in her presence this morning. I reminded myself of all the pain she caused me and just couldn’t find the courage to talk with her about it. Now I need to process my thoughts before I let my emotions rule.”

“How do you think Megan interpreted your absence this morning when she woke up?”

“I’m betting she’s confused and hurt just now. At first I thought I could simply leave and not pursue our relationship any further. I wanted to return to how I felt yesterday morning.” Which, by the way, was numb I realize. I’ve been sleepwalking through life this past year. Only Megan can make me feel truly alive.

Stone snorts. “Do you think that’s even possible at this juncture?” He looks incredulous.

I shake my head. “There’s no shutting the door again, after our amazing love fest of last evening. I can’t stop thinking about us, about her. I’m lost to her, Ed.” 

He smiles knowingly. “You came to me to help you sort out your needs, thoughts and feelings. That’s a good sign, Matt,” he assures me. “Tell me what you hope for now with Megan.”

“In my fantasies, I dream that she’s come back after a year of therapy. I hear her apology and her promise that she’s faced her issues. What I most want to hear is that she’s ready to love me. That she wants only me. I know I’m asking for a lot.”

He looks at me earnestly, takes a deep breath and proceeds. “I think that would be expecting a bit too much. That sort of change in her feelings, after just one year, would be unbelievable at this juncture.”

I nod with regret. “I said it was a fantasy. That’s the best possible scenario but I know it’s not realistic.”

“Let’s start with where you are right now. OK?”

I agree to focus on the present. “I’m still madly in love with Megan. She’s all I want, dammit. I can’t lie. When she put her arm around me yesterday, I came alive in a way that hasn’t happened since she left. Her touch feels like magic.”

“Alright Matt, I get it. First, you need to know why she’s returned. Then, see if Megan can be consistent with her goals. Later, you can explore whether or not she’s truly ready to love and commit to you.” 

“It seemed so real yesterday. When she was in my arms, she gave herself to me with absolute abandon. She wanted me badly and seemed like she couldn’t get enough. Megan’s never been so free with me before. Her guard was down last night,” I declare.

I’m trying to convince both of us that all is well. In my rational mind, I know it’s more complicated.

Stone looks hopeful for the first time since we began speaking. “Matt, that was one moment in time. Perhaps you’re correct and she’s different. Maybe Megan experienced an epiphany of sorts on her journey away from you. Give it time however.”

“It would kill me if I knew she slept with or had any sort of relationship with another man while she was away.” My imagination stirs and I feel devastated as I conjure up an image of Megan getting it on with someone else. She’s only mine.

“Matt settle down. Right now, just prepare yourself to listen to Megan’s story. Call her when you feel ready to hear it.”

I take a few breaths and nod my head in assent. “I can do that.”

“Once you understand her motives, then you can determine if her actions, over time, reflect real change,” he advises. Ed gives me the long-term view and it helps.

“OK, I agree. We need to talk about what just happened between us last night.”

“After your conversation with Megan, you should call me to discuss your reactions.”

“What if she wants to see me in person?”

“It’ll be much more challenging to have your discussion face to face because of your strong physical attraction to Megan.”

“I know you’re right, Stone. But, it’s hard when she seems so thrilled to be with me,” I groan.

“You know what my advice is, Matt.”

He stands to end our discussion and I leave, resolved to call her as soon as I can.

I drive to my place preparing myself, both physically and psychologically, for our discussion. However, as I approach the driveway to my building I see her waving and beckoning to me from the outside door. I huff with a mix of frustration and excitement. My broken angel seems determined to see me. I’m more than thrilled.

I park my car and make my way to Megan. She’s wearing heels and an expensive leather jacket with tight fitting pants. I swallow my growing desire and concentrate on the questions that I want to ask her first. I focus on what Dr. Stone and I discussed.

She runs to me like an enthusiastic child and hugs me tight. I’m nearly breathless at our contact but I manage to keep from hugging her as well. She looks up at me with a pout.

“Matt you left me without a note or any warning this morning. Did our fantabulous connection last evening mean so little to you?” She knows how much it meant to me. I assume that she’s taunting me with the question.

Just the fact that she’s using superlatives to talk about our hookup makes my cock twitch with need. Fantabulous. I’m going to store that word away for future reference in my daydreams.

“Why don’t we go up to my place and talk about it?” I suggest while trying to keep some distance between us.

She nods her agreement. “Fair enough baby.” We ride the elevator together as the tension between us mounts. It’s taking all my control to avoid grabbing Megan and kissing her within an inch of her life. I’m already calling to mind some of the highlights from last evening. It’s killing my resolve to find out where she’s been and with whom.

Jared Rush, my security man, waits outside the elevator door as we exit. His look of concern mirrors my feelings exactly. “Can I help you with anything, sir?” He’s testing whether or not I want Megan near me.

I appreciate Rush’s protective stance in regard to my feelings. “I’ll call you, Rush, if something comes up that’s unexpected.”

I lead Megan to my living area and we sit facing one another on two different couches. There’s a distance of at least three feet between us but I can still feel her heat. The woman’s tethered to me, I swear. I breathe calmly for a moment before starting.