Authors: Iyanla Vanzant

Forgiveness (31 page)

T
HE REASON YOU KEEP ATTRACTING THE ONES WHO LEAVE IS BECAUSE YOU EXPECT THEM TO DO SO
.

Like many women, I had numerous stories of betrayal, disappointment, heartbreak, and vileness that I had hung on the hook of “men.” I could have told you chapter and verse what I had done for them and what they had not done for me. I used the sordid details of my stories as an excuse to talk badly about men, judge them, mistrust them, expect little from them, and give of myself begrudgingly as I waited for the axe to fall on my neck. If I were to tell the truth, which is my intention, I would admit that even while I was lying across the bed with my head resting on his chest, licking the butter from the popcorn off of my fingers, there were several persistent thoughts playing in the background of my mind:
I wonder what he really wants from me? This is too good to be true! He must have another woman somewhere. I wonder when and how he is going to leave me.
What my male friends pointed out to me was that if I thought it, he felt it. One went so far as to say, “The reason you keep attracting the ones who leave is because you expect them to do so. You cannot get what you want until you understand what you expect.” What the … ! He’s a man! He’s crazy!

It took me a minute to regroup, but when I thought about what he had said, it began to make sense. I had watched my father, my uncles, my brother, and even my son—only on occasion—treat the women in their lives less than honorably. I watched my stepmother, my aunties, and countless of my sister-friends cry their eyes out over how the men in their lives had betrayed their trust and their love. My observations as a child and a teenager, coupled with my own experiences as a young woman, had left me angry, suspicious, judgmental, and, okay, I’ll admit it, bitter. I had loved one man most of life only to have him leave me not once or twice but four times for someone else. I watched my daughter struggle for 15 years in a relationship. I helped my sister pack and sneak away in the night from a 12-year relationship. Somewhere in the back of my mind, not only was I bitter about what I had seen and experienced, I really did not want any part of it or men again. How was this possible? The thing I was chasing was the thing I didn’t want. The thing I yearned for was the very same thing I was afraid of, and it was
their
fault entirely! Men and their nasty, mean, callous ways were totally and completely responsible for the craziness I was experiencing! But then again, if I can only attract what I expect, what was I to do with all of the hurt, sadness, sorrow, anger, and fear that had built up as a result of what I had seen and experienced? Forgive it! Damn!

I
FORGIVE MY MIND FOR BELIEVING THAT WHAT WAS IS WHAT ALWAYS HAD TO BE
.

It ain’t easy being a queen or a forgiving soul.
I forgive you, Daddy, for never being there for me and letting me down even when you were there.
To forgive means you must be willing to see things differently in spite of the hurt you feel.
I forgive you, my uncles and cousins and family friends, for violating my innocence with your sexual deviance.
When you spend more time being angry, hurt, and upset about what happened, you pretty much barricade the door of what is possible.
I forgive you, my brother, for abandoning me when I needed you most.
It is impossible for you to express, accept, or demonstrate true unconditional love until you forgive those who did not know how to love.
I forgive you, women in my life, you who stayed in pain longer than it was necessary or productive to do so.
Once you become willing to let it all go, God will open a new space in your heart and rewire your brain to know, receive, and express love in healthy ways.
I forgive myself for believing that what I made up about who they were is the truth I had to live with for years of my life.
Forgiveness is not an easy chore to undertake, nor is it for the weak.
I forgive you, God, for leaving me out here to figure out all of this on my own.
Yet forgiveness is the daily minimum requirement for a healthy, fulfilling, and meaningful life.
I forgive my mind for believing that what was is what always has to be.

D
AILY
F
ORGIVENESS
P
ROCESS
R
EMINDERS

For a more detailed explanation of the
Daily Forgiveness Process Guidelines
,

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed for at least 30 to 60 minutes.
Still your mind for at least 5 minutes or listen to the
Stillness Meditation.
Read the Forgiveness Prayer once silently and once aloud.
Scan the
Emotional Triggers
List.
Write out the 12 Forgiveness Statements for each day’s topic on thinking, judging, and believing in your Forgiveness Journal (Days 1–18). Write your Forgiveness Letters (Days 19–21).
Perform your Pro EFT™ Forgiveness Tapping Sequences.
Process thoughts and feelings consciously through your Forgiveness Journal Reflections.
Listen to the
Gratitude Meditation
on the Forgiveness CD.
Complete the day’s practice in quiet reflection or with meditative music.
Be sure to do something good for yourself today!

I F
ORGIVE
M
YSELF FOR
J
UDGING
M
EN

T
oday is about forgiving men. If you are a man, you may need to forgive your father, brother, or another male figure who has caused hurt, harm, or disappointment in your life. If you are a woman, you may need to forgive those whom you have loved or those who refused to love you; those who have hurt you, shamed you, and abandoned you; or those who left you scarred or wounded. In our world, masculine energy—represents authority, power, and strength. When we have distorted and painful images of men and masculinity, more often than not we find ourselves in dysfunctional relationships with all forms of power and authority. This means that when we need it most, our strength wanes. Open yourself to consider the glorious possibilities that lie just beyond how you have seen, held, and related to the masculine energy of the Creator that is embodied in all men.

F
ORGIVE THE MEN YOU HAVE LOVED OR THOSE WHO REFUSED TO LOVE YOU
.

A P
RAYER OF
F
ORGIVENESS

Dear God:

Today I ask for and open myself to receiving healing and restoration of my mind, my heart, and all of my relationships with men. I confess that I have not always been kind or loving toward men. I confess that I have held judgments about men and against men. I confess that I have allowed unkind, unloving, judgmental thoughts and beliefs to infect my relationships with men. For this, I ask for and accept Your forgiveness, and I forgive myself.

Today, I ask that my heart and mind be opened so that I will accept all men as Your sons and my brothers. I ask that You create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me so that my divine relationship with all men will be restored. I ask for the will to forgive and move forward in love.

I lay down my weapons.

I open my heart.

I forgive.

I let it be!

And so it is!