He breaks the silence when he asks me, “Did everything work out between you and Noah? Do I need to ask if you used a bed to makeup?”
I giggle again, but also blush, as I smile to myself remembering the amazing orgasm Noah gave me last night. I pick up another cushion and pretend to throw it at him, “You sod, yes, we sorted through some things, and he gave me some letters to read.”
A sombre mood suddenly creeps up on me as I think about Juan and what those letters might contain. I sigh and once again lean my head back and close my eyes while everything twists and turns through my mind. I have a lot of questions floating around in my head and I suddenly blurt out, “How do you forgive someone who has hurt you again?”
I didn’t expect Hans to answer as I am saying it more to myself. “I think you need to ask yourself a few questions. Can you walk away and never see Juan again? Can you push past the fear and let go of the blame? Do you love him enough to listen to what he has to say?”
My hands cover my face and I let the tears fall, yes I love him and what Hans said hits home, because I know that’s what I have been doing. I’ve let fear and blame eat away at me. I wipe my eyes and stand glancing down at Hans and smile weakly at him, “When did you get so wise? Thanks Hans, I better go and read these letters to see if I can find my answers to get past this.”
He nods at me and says, “You will.”
I turn away from him and stride to the bedroom with purpose. I make myself comfortable by putting a pillow between my shoulders and the headboard and with trembling hands I pick Noah’s letters up. I gaze down at them running a hand across the top. My heart starts thumping louder and I gasp for a breath as a tightness attacks my chest.
This is it Peppa: you will either be lost or found in Noah’s words to you.
I open the first letter and read the first line ‘
To my darling sweetheart, I have never experienced real love until you...
by the time I have finished reading it my heart bursts open wide with love and tenderness. The second letter has me clenching away at my heart as Noah describes the pain and suffering he has been going through. I stopped noticing the tears falling, which stained the paper I am reading from, by the fourth letter. Noah didn’t leave anything out. I read about the first time he and Juan had sex, which causes a flare of jealously to rip through me. I also find out I have rivals for their affection in the form of a pig called Dolly and a cow called Flora. I laughed at some of his stories but most of all I ached for the love he clearly showed in each letter.
My phone beeps at me letting me know I have a message, when I pick it up I see it’s from Noah so I quickly open it.
Hi beautiful, I wanted to let you know that things didn’t work out tonight. There were too many press still hanging around Devil Records. I want my family to know I’m ok first before the press do. I know that means another day for you with my sister, but a plan is being put into action as I write this and you will notice the press disappear tomorrow. I hope you understand, I’m trying to put everything right. I promise you, we both love you Peppa so fucking much it hurts. I hope my letters are giving you some comfort and answers, we both can’t wait to see you again. xxx
I notice in the text and in the letters I have read that Noah always includes Juan, telling me they both love me. He never leaves one of us out and I wonder to myself if he does the same with Juan. It’s then that I realize that Noah is the one caught in the middle of all this and I really don’t like that fact.
I send a text back saying,
I understand, today didn’t go to well, but I can cope if you say you will get it sorted tomorrow. My heart is breaking as I read your letters, I’m so sorry Noah. I’m really lost for words for now. But please know this, I do love you both and I’m trying to break free from the chains that have locked themselves around my heart because of the lies. Take care of you both see you soon. xxx
Tears begin to gather as I tighten the hold on my phone, waiting for Noah to respond. I read what I have sent and notice I made it about Juan too, which has to tell me something. The tears begin to flow when his next message comes.
You are the whole amazing solar system and so much more. xxx
I trace his kisses with my finger wishing I can kiss his lips right now, like I did last night. My bladder lets me know it needs to be emptied and while I’m in the bathroom I splash some water on my face. I change out of my clothes, put my PJ’s on and climb back onto the bed. I pick up the next letter and carry on reading.
I swear I can see the light die in Juan’s eyes each time he leaves me to be with you. The love he has for us both has taken its toll on him. He feeds me his blood and gives you the support you need from my disappearance. But what does he get Peppa? He has our love, there is no doubt about that, but what do you do when all you sense from him is torment and immense loathing of himself? The lies are tearing him apart and the thing is, he told them for us, so we could be free of them. For him to only take them all upon himself and load himself down with the weight of the world on his shoulders. If he wasn’t already dead, I can honestly say he is slowly dying inside and I’m scared Peppa, I’m so fucking scared.
I didn’t think I can hurt any more than I already do, but my heart feels like it split in two after reading that and I cry out in misery. I hold myself, letting the tears fall and the pain rack my body as I rock back and forth in sheer agony. I didn’t hear the door open and I didn’t detect the bed move with the weight of someone on it until I felt arms surround me and words of, “Ssshhh, it will be ok.” Monica holds me until I calm myself. After there are no more tears to cry and I hiccup on my sobs.
“Are you ready to tell me whose ass I need to beat for putting you in this state?” I try to laugh but it comes out as a huff and I move my head to stare at her as I realize it is buried in her breasts. “I love you, but no one needs to be attacked by a pissed off Monica. I’m just upset at some of the information I’m finding out from Noah’s letters.” Her eyes roam the bed, “Noah wrote all these? What do they say?”
I pick one up and look at it, “They tell me what he has been going through since he vanished from my life.”
She picks one up herself and moves away from me to read it. “Oh my god! Peppa listen to this.”
Can you imagine if you knew this secret? Could you really keep it to yourself? Please think about that, because that’s what it comes down to. Could you be around Lara and not want to tell her I’m alive? Could you sit there and lie to the police that you had no idea where I am?
I felt a stabbing pain to my heart at hearing those words, because there it is as bold as can be. Juan and Noah both know I don’t like to lie and he is right. I couldn’t have sat there with Detective Payne, pretending I didn’t know where Noah was. How could I face his mother and father and not want to tell them, which would have been even harder especially after the way they are treating me? I had to play the part of the broken hearted girlfriend, not only protect Noah, but Juan as well. I have been brought into the lie and find I hate every moment of being around Lara and not be able to tell her the truth.
And it dawned on me in that moment that Juan did everything to keep me away from that and I started to understand why. “Peppa.” A hand waves in front of my face and I blink a few times to focus back on Monica.
“Sorry Monica, I had a light bulb moment. I don’t mean to be rude but I really want to finish reading these letters.”
“Is that a good thing? Because I don’t think I can take any more of your snotty face.”
I throw myself into her arms, “I’m trying to get past the hurt I feel for being lied to and the letters are helping me with that.”
Monica leaves me to it and I continue taking in what Noah needs me to understand.
I sit here and write away to you and I can only hope that when you know the truth, your heart is big enough to disregard the affliction that the lies have caused. Don’t deny the love that I know we carry for each other, let it grow so it heals you. My biggest failure will be to lose you both but I will never love two people more. You are both my forever.
I stack up Noah’s letters, feeling drained of energy. I have been hit with every emotion today and my nerves are frayed. Who ever said love is easy, needs a punch in the mouth. Yes, I obtain the answers I need, but I’m also being honest with myself, I’m still wounded by Juan’s lies. But at least I am now ready to talk. I crawl inside the bed covers, hold the letters to my heart and fall asleep feeling some of those chains breaking.
When I arrive at work the next morning, the press is still there in force and Lara has already started her day. There is a line of customers waiting to be served so I quickly rush behind the counter to help her out. I'm hoping we will be busy again so I can avoid speaking with Lara. I'm doing to her what Juan has done to me and I don’t like that one bit. I didn’t feel like I'm living under a dark black cloud anymore, I'm letting go of some of the blame and know forgiveness is on the horizon. Lara has noticed my mood change too as I laugh at something one of the customers says.
“You seem happier today Peppa. Did you make up with Juan?” Confusion crosses my face, first Jacob and now Lara. How did they know? And more to the point, what do they know?
Lara must have picked up on what I am thinking from my facial expressions. “Daddy mentioned it to me. He said Juan told him it is over between you two.”
A part of me is hurt by that, but this is Donald we are talking about. I have no idea what game he is playing now, but I am honest with my answer, “Things are strained between us right now, but I’m hoping we can sort everything out.”
She hands a coffee to a customer and glances my way, “I hope you do. You are meant for each other. He adores you, as does my brother.” I see the sadness in her eyes at mentioning Noah and I have to turn away from her as remorse curls around me and I want to stop her pain.
I speak loudly so she can hear me, “I’m just going to clear some tables.” I don’t wait for her to answer. I leave her taking another order.
While tidying up after people, I find some newspapers and I finally get to read the headlines. Cruz’s headline makes me snicker to myself, his face is classic. I then go on to read about Saul telling the fans how sorry Viper is that gigs have been cancelled, that it wasn’t down to them and someone was trying to ruin them. I didn’t have time to read it all as the table is soon occupied again. I'm glad the truth is out there now and that Viper will be able to carry on without any more sabotage.
It is after the lunch rush that I notice the press vans start to disappear. An hour later the street is clear. I know Noah has made that happen and find some solace that tonight Noah will come back from the dead, so to speak. Some fans still linger around and keep us busy for the rest of the day. I take a glance at the clock: it reads 4.30 pm. The cafés tables are still full and I have a delivery coming at 5:00 pm so I have to start clearing the room. I stroll over to Lara and tell her, “That delivery is coming in half an hour, I’m going to start announcing we are closing soon. I will clean up, you can leave early if you like.”
Lara's eyes roam the room and she shrugs her shoulders, “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay and help with the delivery?”
I shake my head, “Lara you have been a life saver covering for me, so please go. I can handle everything.”
She agrees, but I still find myself shoving her out of the door ten minutes later as she thought she would help me by clearing some tables of customers. I manage to get everyone out a couple of minutes early so I begin to wipe tables and stack chairs. The delivery van arrives dead on five and I start helping him carry the boxes to the back room.
I stumble with one box as a flare of heat builds inside of me and through our connection, I know Noah and Juan have arrived. I drop the box as adrenalin pushed my blood through my veins quicker and run to the door gazing across the road to see if I can catch a glance at them both before they go in, but I see nothing. They are so close and every fiber of me wants to go to them, but Noah needs this time with his father and with me rushing over there will make me look guilty of what Donald accused me of.
So with a heavy heart, I turn away and carry on with the job at hand. I thank the delivery man when I sign his form to say I have received the goods. I pick up the last box and carry it inside and head for the back room. I place it on top of the others and turn to walk back out front when I notice the lights are now turned off. I frown and mutter to myself, “Maybe a light tripped out.”
I take a step forward and I’m greeted by an eerie voice that says, “Don’t keep me waiting Peppa. You have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to getting you alone.”
My eyes widen and begin to dart around the room as a shiver runs down my spine searching for the man whose voice I know well. I stop breathing for a few moments when my eyes find the figure of Jacob sitting on top of one of the tables. I sense the blood drain away from my face and begin to breathe heavily. The horror of the situation sinks in.
My fearful eyes flicker to the front door and his voice comes again, “I’ve locked it. You will have to go through me to get out.” Then comes his maniac laugh. He pulls two chairs out, jumps off the table and sits in one, “Take a seat Peppa, I have a story to tell and you need to hear it.”
My body starts to shake and I dig my nails hard into my palms, hoping to somehow jolt something inside of me that has gone numb.
Is this really happening?
My lips quiver and tears start to spill down my face as I open my mouth to speak. “Jacob, why are you doing this? Please let me leave.”
His hand thumps down on the table, “I have been nothing but polite Peppa, but I can change that and drag you over here by your hair. NOW SIT!”
I jump out of my skin at his raised voice. My legs start to buckle underneath me, I fall against the wall and slide down it. Within seconds, he looms over me, grabbing me by my hair and I scream out in pain. I’m pulled to my feet and he spits out his next words into my face, “I warned you, now keep that pretty mouth of yours shut or I will shut it for you. Start walking.”