Forever Black (17 page)

I
went into the bathroom. I was so angry for my life and for what I did to Connor
I couldn’t see straight. I reached in the bathtub and grabbed my razor that was
sitting on the edge. I took the blade out and held it to my wrist; I was going
to end this pain now. I looked at the blade that perfectly matched up with my
scar as the memories of that night came flooding back in my mind. I threw the
blade down. What the hell was I doing? I fell to ground sobbing as I felt someone’s
arms wrap around me.

“It’s
ok sweetie; I’m here,” Peyton whispered. She looked down and picked up the
blade and then she looked at my wrists, “Jesus Elle.”

We
sat on the bathroom floor for what seemed like an eternity. She helped me up
and walked me to the bedroom.

“I
see you went on a destruction spree.”

I
sat on the floor with my knees to my chest as she remade my bed. I felt like I
had just had a nervous breakdown; like everything that happened in my life just
hit me. Peyton took me by the shoulders and helped me up. She went to my drawer
and pulled a night-shirt out and helped me into it. I felt like a rag doll as
my arms and legs felt limp. I climbed into my bed as Peyton covered me with the
blankets. She scooted next to me and put her arms around me.

“Connor
called and told me everything. Elle I’m sorry, and I wish you would have told
me about the cancer, but now is not the time to talk about this,” she said as
she pushed my hair out of my face. “Get some sleep, I’m not going anywhere, and
if you’re up to it, we’ll talk when you wake up.”

I
didn’t say a word; I couldn’t. I just shook my head and drifted off into a deep
sleep.

I
woke up and looked around the room. I sat on the edge of the bed as Peyton
walked in. “Finally, you’re awake.”  

I
yawned and ran my hand through my hair, “How long have I been sleeping?”

She
put her hands on her hips and twisted her face as if she didn’t want to tell
me, “2 days.”

My
eyes widened, “What? 2 days? Peyton, why didn’t you wake me?”

She
came over and sat on the edge of the bed, “Sweetie you obviously needed it. When
I found you on that bathroom floor, god Elle, I thought you...” She turned her
head and looked at the wall.

I
lightly took her hand, “I know Peyton and I’m sorry.”

She
laid her head on my shoulder, “The only thing that matters is you didn’t. You’re
awake now, and you need to eat. Henry made the most delicious chicken noodle
soup.”

I
looked at her with a frown, “Who’s Henry?”

She
tilted her head and smiled, “Dr. Hottie, he’s been here helping me out while
you’ve been sleeping.”

I
rolled my eyes, “Seriously Peyton, you told him everything?”

“Yeah
Elle, I did; we’re seeing each other now, and I needed someone to talk to,
besides, he’s been the biggest help.”

I
got up and felt light-headed. Peyton grabbed my arm, “You need to eat Elle;
it’s been 2 days.”

She
helped me to the kitchen. All I could smell is the aroma of the chicken soup,
and it was amazing. I didn’t feel like eating, but my body told me I had to. I
sat at the table as Peyton set the bowl of soup in front of me, “Eat up.”  

“Where’s
my phone?” I asked her.

“It’s
over on your desk, I charged it for you.”

I
walked over and pulled it out of the charger and turned it on. I patiently
waited for it to turn on so I could see if Connor texted me or called. There
was nothing, not even a voicemail. I should have started crying, but there were
no tears left in my eyes.

Peyton
sat across from me as I slowly ate the soup Henry had made. “Ellery, why didn’t
you tell me about your cancer coming back? I thought we were best friends?”

I
couldn’t look at her because I was ashamed. I knew my secret would hurt the
people close to me. I’ve already lived it, and I couldn’t go through it again.

“Peyton,
I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to tell you, believe me, but I
couldn’t bear to stand in front of you and see the look on your face after I
told you. It was bad enough I had to tell Kyle.”

She
reached over and touched my hand that was resting on the table. “Elle, I would
have stood by you and supported you. I seriously cannot understand why you
wouldn’t tell me. I get that you were scared, and you didn’t want me to worry,
but what were you going to do? Just go off and die alone?”

I
got up from the table and sat on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest and
burying my head in my hands. “My life has been made up of hurting people
Peyton. I need you to understand that. After my mother died, I was left as a
reminder of her to my dad, and that hurt him so much, he had to drink himself
to death just to cope. Then there was my suicide attempt and cancer.” I could
feel the tears starting to spring back to life.

Peyton
sat down beside me and put her arm around me pulling me closer. “I do
understand where you’re coming from Elle, but do you want to know what I think?
I think you made the wrong decision not to tell anyone, especially Connor, and
now you have to deal with the consequences. I’m sorry; I don’t mean to kick you
while you’re down, but you not telling anyone has caused more pain than if you
would have been honest from the beginning.”

I
leaned my head on her shoulder, “I’m sorry Peyton; I hope you can find it in
your heart to forgive me.”

“I
can and have forgiven you Elle, but you have to promise me that you’ll call the
doctor and start treatments right away because…” Peyton started to cry. “I
can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

I
turned towards her and hugged her tight. “I’m sorry, and I promise to get
help.”

Peyton
got up to clean up the
kitchen as I went to take a shower. I
got dressed and put on my coat.

“Excuse
me, where do you think you’re going?” she asked.

“I
have a couple of things I need to do.”

“I
don’t think it’s a good idea that you go anywhere.”

I
lightly laughed, “Are you my mother now?”

“No,
but I do worry about you and I want you to be safe, Oh god I sound like a
mother,” she smiled.

“I
won’t be gone long, I promise.”

I
walked out the door and headed down the crowded streets. You would think that
the coldness of the air would chill my bones, but every part of my existence
was already numb.

I
walked over to the next block to a church I’ve admired since I moved to New
York. I needed to seek solace in the house of God. I had unanswered questions
and unfinished business. I reached the steps of the church and pulled open the heavy
door that led inside. I have wanted to visit this church since I moved here,
but Kyle wasn’t a church fan and wouldn’t go with me.

I
looked around at the beauty of the stained glass that overtook the windows and
many rows of wooden pews that stood before me. I knelt at one of the pews and
said hello to God before I sat down. I stared at the altar as memories of my
childhood flashed before my eyes; memories of me sitting in a pew just like
this one, in the front row, staring at the large wooden casket that held my
mother. My father holding his face crying as strangers all around gave me their
sympathetic looks.

A
single tear fell from my eye. As I wiped it away, a man in a white robe sat
down next to me.

“Good
day my child, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Hello
father, I’m just here because I have some unfinished business with god.”

He
gave me a surprised look, “Unfinished business, huh?”

I
looked down and laced my fingers together, “Yeah, I need some questions
answered about my life, and I was hoping to get them here.”

The
priest sat and listened to me as I told him about my life. I confided in him
about my mother and father’s death, my past and recurrent battle with cancer
and how I hid the truth from Connor. I didn’t tell him about my suicide attempt,
but it wasn’t too hard to hide when I lifted my hand and pushed my hair behind
my ear. The priest looked at me and lightly touched my wrist.

“You’re
a survivor and god gave you a second chance at life.”

I
shook my head, “I know that father, but what good is that second chance if I’m
not going to live a full long life?”

He
patted my hand softly, “You don’t know you won’t live a full long life, and it
doesn’t matter what you went through before; what matters is that you survived
it. God won’t give you more than you can handle. He knows you’re strong enough
to handle this again.”

I
looked down and bit my lip. My emotions were all over the place. “The chemo was
awful,” I whispered.

“Chemo
isn’t supposed to be fun, but you survived and it made you stronger. What you
need to understand is that you refusing to get treatments are just another form
of suicide.”

I
looked up at his face; my eyes stinging with tears. He was right. I never
thought that what I was doing was a form of suicide. He took my hand and patted
it once more as he smiled and walked away.

I
was walking down the street, not knowing where exactly I was going, thinking
about my conversation with the priest when I stopped in front of Pizzapopolous.
My stomach tied itself in knots as I stared through the window remembering how
I made Connor eat pizza with his hands. I lightly smiled as I stepped into the
Starbucks that was next door. The aroma of coffee was making me salivate as I
ordered a mocha latte. I took my latte and sat at a table towards the back. I looked
at the time on my phone. It was already 2 pm. I dialed the phone number that
kept consistently calling me for the past 4 months.

“Good
afternoon, Dr. Taub’s office, how may I help you?” The perky voice on the other
end spoke.

“Hi
this is Ellery Lane; I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Taub”

“Oh
ok, well the first appointment I have is November 5
^th
at 3 pm.”

I
sighed, “Do you realize that it’s September 30
^th
and November 5
^th
is far away?”

“Sorry,
but that is his first available appointment.”

I
was now starting to get agitated, “May I please talk to Dr. Taub?”

“I’m
sorry, but he’s with a patient right now; may I take a message for him?”

Once
again I sighed, “Yes, tell him Ellery Lane called and I’m ready. He’ll know
what I mean.” I hung up before she could say anything else.

I
put my phone on the table as I looked up and had a near heart attack when I saw
Connor walk through the door. He looked rough, like he hadn’t slept in days. He
wore dark jeans and my favorite grey t-shirt that defined his muscular chest. A
few days’ worth of stubble sat upon his face. His hair was tousled in a
different way, but he still looked perfect and hot as hell. I panicked, and I
didn’t want him to see me, so I did the only thing I could; I hid under the
table.

The
place was packed with people conversing and studying, so the chances of anyone
seeing me under the table were slim; with the exception of Dr. Hottie who knelt
down and peered his head under the table.

“You
ok down there, Ellery?”

I
waved my hand to shoo him out-of-the-way so I could see when Connor left.

“I’m
hiding from him,” I mumbled pointing to the line.

“I’ve
got this,” he winked.

Henry
stood up, walked over to Connor and shook his hand. He kept him talking until
Connor got his coffee and then patted him on the shoulder as he walked out the
door. I got up off the floor and sat back in my chair. Henry walked over and
sat across from me.

“Thank
you, I owe you one.”

He
smiled and took a sip of his coffee, “Nah, now we’re even.”

I
cocked my head to the side and raised one eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

He
lightly laughed, “If you wouldn’t have needed stitches that day you came to the
hospital, I never would have met Peyton.”

I
pursed my lips together, “You really like her don’t you?”

The
grin on his face was priceless. “I do, and I know it’s soon, but I’m going to
ask her to move in with me.”

“I
know she’s crazy about you; I’m glad my injury brought you two together,” I
smiled.

He
leaned over the table and brought his hand above my eye. “I must say I did an
exceptional job with those stitches,” he smiled. “I have to go; I have rounds
at the hospital. I’ll talk you soon Ellery.” I waved goodbye as he walked out
the door.

My
phone, face down on the table, started to ring. My imagination went wild with
the hopes that maybe it was Connor. I picked it up and looked at it. It was Dr.
Taub’s number.

“Hello,”
I answered.

“Ellery,
its Dr. Taub, I’m glad you called. I want you to come in for some blood work tomorrow
morning. After I get the results, we will go ahead and schedule the
Chemotherapy. I’m happy you changed your mind.”