Forever (3 page)

T
he DJ slows it down
. The Spence takes my hand and leads me off the dance floor. As we pass Andrew and Marco, I whisper in Andrews’s ear that I’ll be outside.

N
o matter how drunk
, how mad we get with each other, Andrew, Jess and I always look out for each other.

I
am so
sweaty and hot; I need fresh air. The Spence asks if he can join me. I agree.

W
e get
our wrists stamped before we step outside to cool off.

W
e find
a quiet part of a curb and sit down. I pull out my phone to check the time.

“
P
ast your bedtime
?” The Spence jokes.

I
put my phone away
. A street vendor across the street serves up bacon wrapped hot dogs and ice-cold sodas.

“
T
hat sure smells good
,” I mention, off-handed.

I
mmediately
, The Spence springs to his feet and dashes across the street. Before I know it, he delivers me a dog with all the trimmings and an ice-cold Coke. I devour the dog in between sips of soda.

W
hat is
it about street food at 2 am? It could be made of cardboard, but it would still be the best food I’ve ever tasted.

“
C
an I take you out
?” The Spence blurts out. “On a real date. No expectations, no hands, I promise. You can meet me; wherever. It doesn’t matter.”

T
he Spence gets
serious for a moment, “I’ll be a gentleman.”

I
consume
the last bite of my dog and wipe my hands with a napkin.

“
O
kay
,” I agree.

“
O
kay
,” The Spence echoes as Andrew and Jessica join us. The Spence and I set our first date for tomorrow, at the movies.



I
feel
little butterflies in my stomach as I get ready. I put on lip gloss, a form-fitting t-shirt and jeans. Nothing special. I walk out to my car where Jake leans up against it.

I
freeze in my tracks
. I wasn’t expecting to see Jake today. He usually tells someone when he’s coming home. But there wasn’t any advanced warning or time to make myself scarce.

“
H
i
, Sidney,” Jake says as he takes a step away from my car, towards me.

“
H
i Jake
,” I say as I use my keys to open the car door.

J
ake places
his hand over mine. I pull my hand away. Oh, how this has become so awkward and uncomfortable.

“
C
an you give me a minute
?” Jake almost pleads.

I
owe him that
. I stand, with my arms folded. I say I’m ready to listen, but my body language tells him different.

J
ake clears his throat
, “I thought you should know that I’ll be playing rugby for Ireland. My dad… our dad, has dual citizenship, so I qualify. They’ve invited me, and I’m going.”

I
have
no idea what Jake wants from me. Is he telling me this in hopes I’ll ask him to stay? Or is he letting me know that he’s accepted our breakup and that we’ll never be together again? I have no clue.

I
just listen
.

“
I
leave tonight
. Just wanted to tell you myself.”

“
W
ow
, it sounds like an amazing opportunity, Jake. It wasn’t so long ago you were questioning whether you even wanted to play. Now you’re going pro? It’s a big step. But I’m sure you’ve thought it through,” I falsely encourage.

“
I
have
,” Jake shares. “There is nothing left for me here, so I might as well jump at this opportunity.”

J
ake waits
for me to say something… anything to give him reason to stay.

I
can’t
.

“
J
ake
… you’ll do great. They’re lucky to have you.”

J
ake stares
me dead in my face. His eyes swell with water. I’ve never seen Jake tear up before. He opens my car door, and I climb in. Once I turn on the ignition, Jake takes a step back, away from the car, as I back out of the driveway.

M
y heart breaks
into a million tiny pieces, yet I can’t let Jake know that. I drive away, on my way to see, The Spence.

I
study
Jake from my rear view mirror. He stands there, like a statue, not moving an inch.

I
know
that I’m breaking him in two, but there is nothing I can do about it.

N
ever in a million years
, did I see myself as the person I am today; putting my mom’s happiness before my own, no matter how much it hurts… because it’s the right thing to do.

I
’m beginning
to like myself.



I
meet
, The Spence outside the movie theater. I don’t tell him what just went down between Jake and me. I try to put it out of my mind.

T
he Spence pays
for both our movie tickets; an IMAX showing, so it sets him back $32. He makes it a point to flash the wad of cash in his wallet to impress me.

I
’m sufficiently impressed
.

O
nce inside the theater
, he buys a huge tub of popcorn for us to share. And when I say huge, I mean HUGE. You could bathe in the size of that tub. We pair it with large cokes and junior mints.

O
nly a few others
are in the theater. We sit in the middle, away from any big-headed people who could block our view.

O
nce the movie starts
, The Spence reaches for my hand. I like this less aggressive, more respectful side of him. Our finger’s interlock and stay that way throughout the entire movie.

A
fterward
, the lights go up and the theater empties. The cleaning crew enters.

“
L
et
’s walk this popcorn binge off,” I suggest to, The Spence.

W
e walk out
, hand and hand. We leave our cars in the parking lot and walk down the street in silence until we come upon a small, urban park with monkey bars and swings.

I
race
, The Spence to the swings and beat him. He takes it pretty well.

I
plop myself onto a swing
; shuffle steps backward as far as I can go before I release my feet and swing forward. I pump my legs with reckless abandon in my effort to touch the stars.

T
he Spence
and I laugh our guts out as we continue to try to outdo each other. But I have a trick up my sleeve.

I
pump
my legs and swing as high as humanly possible. When I’m at the zenith of height, I jump off the swing!

I
do
a summersault before landing on my back.

T
he Spence
, races to my side, “What the hell?” his words mixed with equal parts concern and adulation.

I
giggle uncontrollably
which signals to, The Spence, that I’m okay with no bones broken.

H
e bends
over and steals a kiss before he lays down next to me. We gaze up at the stars.

W
hy hadn’t
Jake and I had this kind of fun before? We started off hot and heavy, with nowhere left to go.

I
like being silly
, laughing and playing on the swings. But I wish I had shared this evening with Jake instead of, The Spence.

“
D
o you think love
, no matter how wrong, should take precedence over everything else?” I innocently ask, The Spence; giving no hint as to the magnitude his response will have on me.

T
he Spence turns
around to face me. “That all depends,” he says.

“
I
’ll bite
. Depends on what?” I ask.

“
O
n whether you
’re talking about me… or Jake.”

I
sit up
. What did he just say? Did he say, Jake?

“
I
t’s pretty
obvious the two of you had feelings for each other.”

“
I
t was
?” I say. “How?”

“
N
o one gets
as messed up over a girl unless they’ve boned her,” The Spence says so eloquently.”

“
Y
ou knew the entire time
?” I questioned.

“
P
retty much
. But after the two of you broke up, I figured I had a chance… Do I, Sidney… have a chance?”

I
so much want to say yes… but I can’t. I still want Jake. I’ve tried severing ties, but it’s not working.

I
turn to
, The Spence and sit on his lap. I clasp my hands behind his neck and pull him close. I kiss him, just once. Of course, the guy slips in the tongue and shoves his hand down the back of my pants.

I
slap
his hand away as I stand. “You can’t let it be just about a goodbye kiss, now could you?”

T
he Spence stands up
, “Knew it would be my last opp.”



T
he next day
, I leave work early and ask my mom to meet me at home. Of course, she’s concerned.

I
don’t know
how she’s going to take it. My biggest fear is that she won’t be able to look at me after I tell her.

W
e sit
at the kitchen table, across from each other. She pours herself a glass of wine in preparation for the news.

I
ask
her just to listen first until I’ve said everything I’m going to say.

M
y hands shake
, my voice quivers as I utter the five words that could break her… “I’m in love with Jake.”

M
y mom says nothing
. She simply finishes off her glass of wine and pours another. She downs that one as well.

“
I
f you are ashamed
of me… I’m sorry,” I say.

M
y mom breaks
the silence after my announcement.

“
S
idney
, I could never be ashamed of you. I am a bit taken aback, however. You’re brother and sister, for God’s sakes. By marriage, I know. But still. Frankly, I don’t know how to feel, what to think, Sidney. Your relationship changes our entire family dynamic.”

S
he pauses for a moment
, “Does Ben know?”

I
tell
her that Jake told Ben on the plane ride back from the holiday, but that we’ve broken it off.

M
om is pretty pissed
off right now because she feels she’s been left in the dark far too long. I apologize to her and beg for her forgiveness.

T
hrough my tears
, I manage to leave it all on my mom’s lap. I tell her how happy I am that she found Ben and that I would do anything not to mess that up. I told her that I would stay away from Jake, if that is what she wanted, if she felt it would jeopardize her marriage.

T
his weight lifts
off my shoulders and onto hers. I didn’t mean for it to work out that way. But there’s no getting around it.

I
t was
all left up to her.



I
get
off the city bus in front of a stadium. I walk past a security guard too busy flirting with a local to notice I’ve walked past. I walk down a dark corridor that leads to the open field.

I
reland’s rugby
team stretches jogs in place and performs wind sprints. Jake stretches his calves before he spots me. He looks in my direction. I don’t know if he recognizes that it’s me.

H
e does
.

H
e races towards me
, picks me up and swings me around. His new teammates clap.