For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (5 page)

“What’s been the happiest moment of your life so far?”

I flinched when he asked, thinking of Aaron’s proposal and replaying it in my mind. Aaron and I knew since tenth grade that we wanted to get married, but life had other plans. He was always thoughtful and romantic, coming up with surprises for me. He had bought one of those blank books to write our love story in and filled the whole thing out.

Giving it to me as a gift, I flipped through the pages, laughing at things he’d written, admiring photos he’d added to it. But when I got to the last section, a section set up for the future, I saw that Aaron had taped an engagement ring to it. I looked up from the page and saw he was already kneeling in front of me and I didn’t even let him ask. I just threw myself at him and whispered “yes.”

I unconsciously grew emotional in front of Rhys as he became aware that I was not comfortable sharing the memory playing in my mind. He appeared guilty, trying to gauge the situation and attempted to comfort me. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, unconvincingly. “I don’t know how to answer that one.”

I became flustered, blinking back the tears when he put his hand on mine and said, “Don’t worry about it, you don’t have to.”

“No, it’s just a complicated answer. Sorry,” I said and he again squeezed my hand with reassurance.

“It’s quite all right.”

He left it at that, but I could tell that I had intrigued him, that he was respecting my privacy, but interested in what could cause such heavy emotion. We waited for the bill in tense silence, regret in his eyes for asking and I knew he felt that we had just taken a few steps backwards in becoming close. For the remainder of the day we functioned, or didn’t, in that manner—him walking on eggshells, and me avoiding his eyes.

I gave him materials to look over during the weekend and when he took them he stared at me. “Thank you.”

He lingered for a moment, hands at his side as he silently requested reconciliation. I swore his lower lip pouted as he hugged me, a short one this time and he whispered, “I’ll see you Tuesday.”

CHAPTER FOUR

M
y walk home dragged to no end as I slowly processed the way I had acted in front of Rhys. I considered how ridiculous, unprofessional and awkward he must have found me, how confusing it must have been. Guilt and humiliation were battling inside my body - all the while his facial expression imprinted in my mind, haunting me. Once home, the only relief was that I was finally on summer break for four weeks. I bathed for over an hour, struggling to stay awake in the tub before I dried off and lay in bed. Surprisingly, I fell asleep quickly, likely because it was the end of the semester and I was emotionally drained after lunch.

Being around Rhys was like riding a wild carnival ride, fun in the moment, but dizzying by the end. Overall I felt wonderful around him, but that strange sentiment filled me with shame that I had allowed him in. When I moved away, I swore I would keep to myself, and now I was forced to keep seeing someone I couldn’t resist; he was just too likable. I’d become comfortable around him over our lunches, but didn’t know how to function with how uneasy that relaxation felt, leaving me completely unwound. Just before I dozed off my phone vibrated with a text from him.

Rhys: I’m sorry to bother you. I know I said I’d only message with questions, but I can’t stop thinking about lunch. I feel awful that I obviously struck a nerve, and I’m rather sorry. You don’t have to elaborate, but I’m a friend if you want to. Hope you have a better weekend.

I read it through blurry eyes and fell asleep immediately after.

I slept in till noon, a rare occurrence, only awaking when a neighbor slammed their door. Remembering his text, I looked around to find my phone on the carpet. Rereading it a couple of times, I realized that he probably assumed I was angry or ignoring him. If I answered him then, hours later, it would be weird. I also didn’t know what to say, so I left it alone, staying in bed for the entire day except to eat or use the bathroom.

The following day was a different story. I awoke at 9:00 a.m. and made the decision to be productive. Taking advantage of my early start and break from work, I cleaned my desk, organized my closet, and decided to go for a run in Hyde Park. After the laziness from the day before, there was an itch in my legs to burn off some energy. I laced my sneakers tight, put on my headphones and walked toward the park with a new positivity that I would figure things out. Running was my escape, my way of dealing with my demons. It was something I started right after Aaron passed as my main coping mechanism. My parents worried, especially since I was barely eating. But it was the only time I could escape the pain. After running four miles in thirty minutes, I felt rejuvenated and powerful, my natural high putting me in charge of my problems.

When the weather allowed it, I made a habit of stretching by the pond and that day it was glorious. Gone was the evidence of winter, and you could feel the comfortable summer humidity mingling with the crisp spring air. I took off my sweat-soaked tank top, and lay on the ground to loosen my muscles. With some mellow Sam Smith playing loudly in my ears, I stretched my legs and was in the middle of a pigeon’s pose when someone grabbed my shoulder from behind.

I turned aggressively with a squinted gaze and grabbed the hand. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the light, but when they did I saw him staring down at me, gorgeous with the sun shining behind him, making him appear god-like. Letting go of his hand, I roughly tugged my headphones out of my ears to finally hear his words.

“Sorry!” he said, chuckling with a hand on his chest. “I’ve been calling you for over a minute from back there.” He pointed far behind him. “I was running and as I came around the turn I thought I saw you.”

Rhys had been staring into my eyes and then took a moment to assess me, looking up and down my body as I remained stretched out on the grass. I swiftly felt naked, becoming aware that he was seeing me in my sports bra. It was basically a bathing suit, in some ways more modest, but I still felt exposed. His eyes came back to mine, and he gaped at me as if I were deaf since I hadn’t responded to him.

“Hi,” I managed to say still confused to see him there. I was secretly pleased to see his beautiful face, entrancing eyes and all. Usually, though, I had time to mentally prepare myself and was left speechless.

“Hi,” he said, with a glowing smile. He knelt down on the grass beside me and made himself comfortable. I didn’t say anything, only continuing to stare and confuse him.

After a moment he said, “Ellie, is everything okay? I texted you last night, did you get it?”

Great.
Now I really looked like an asshole. He may be incredibly masculine, but his eyes held so much emotion, like a puppy in one of those god-awful adoption commercials. The ones that make you want to kill yourself. As he watched me, I could see him contemplating which was worse: that I didn’t get the message he’d taken time to send, or that I did, but didn’t care enough to answer. I told the truth hoping he would believe me.

“I got it, but I was half asleep and passed out with the phone in my hand.”

He nodded, his lips in a straight line.

“I promise,” I nodded, trying to reassure him.

Rhys smiled softly, seeming to take comfort in my insistence. If I was promising, that meant I cared. “Is it okay if I stretch here too? I’m done with my run.”

“Sure.” I didn’t question it, but I didn’t believe him either, suspecting that he’d found me and wasn’t ready to let go. He’d obviously thought about my issues since Thursday and it lingered between us uncomfortably. As he stretched his long frame accented with muscles, I eyed him through the privacy of my sunglasses. He was fit, toned in all the right places, and dressed in tight running leggings that hugged and accentuated all the muscles of his lower body. It was too tight in some areas, and I’m ashamed to admit I glanced at inappropriate places out of curiosity. Reprimanding myself mentally, I looked away hoping he hadn’t noticed. Thank god he broke the silence and distracted me.

“I’m quite distraught over Thursday.”

“It’s okay, Rhys,” I interrupted. “It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s mine,” he broke in. “I shouldn’t have suggested the game. You’re clearly uncomfortable around me. I don’t know you well, and I’d like to, but I shouldn’t force it. I know there’s something you’re keeping close to the vest, and while you’re entitled, I wish you wouldn’t. I understand though, so I’m going to give you space and stop pushing it.”

I felt terrible, looking down at the fresh blades of grass to avoid the disappointment his eyes held. He was so endearing as he put himself on the line. It was sweet really, to have someone who knew so little of me, open up so much of themselves. He simply wanted to help. I couldn’t understand why. His unusual kindness caused an unusual candidness in me, because how could I not be warm to him after he opened his heart to me?

I shook my head. “Rhys, you’re right. I normally don’t open up to people for a long time, if ever. But I would be lying if I said it’s not different around you, you’re unexpectedly genuine. I’m going to tell you something personal, if only to help us through the next few weeks.”

His expression was torn, seemingly pleased that I wanted to unveil my secrets, but disappointed to hear me setting an expiration date to our time together.

“I know I’m not the easiest to be around; I tend to be withdrawn and I’ve had those walls built for some time now.”

His eyes stared at me with intensity as he rose from his stretch to lean on his arm and listen. It was beyond distracting, making it difficult to keep my thoughts together.

“It’s nothing you’ve done, you’ve been wonderful actually. But I experienced a great loss and I don’t usually let people get close to me. The special person I mentioned the other day, the one that’s not around anymore, you assumed it was their loss. They didn’t break up with me or hurt me. The truth is, it’s my loss.”

I paused, taking a deep mental breath, bravely continuing as I stared at the ground. “I was engaged to my high school sweetheart; we lived together, went to college together. Two years ago he passed in his sleep next to me, and I woke up and found him.”

I looked back to gauge the sadness and shock overwhelming his eyes. He continued listening without interruption. And then, it all poured out like some valve on the point of bursting.

“As traumatizing as that was, the worst part is I don’t have him to experience life with, to love anymore. It’s made conversation difficult, since any topic you can imagine makes me think of him, and so I shut people out instead. I have a hard time letting people in because I’m scared to lose them too, and I don’t share much because I’m extremely protective of him. He’s in here,” I pointed to my head, and then my heart, “and in here, and I don’t let him out often.”

Rhys stared at me longingly for a while before quietly asking, “Is that why you moved here, what you were trying to get away from?”

I nodded, astounded that he remembered that fact. Again he remained quiet and continued watching, causing me to wish I could read his mind. The longer he stared, the more stripped I felt and I’d started regretting my choice to share. I could see him processing me, peeling each callous layer of my personal prison, and I couldn’t help but sense he wanted to free me. His face was calm and contemplative as he measured my words. Taking the weight off his hand, he sat up and bent forward at the waist to grab mine.

He gripped it affectionately, as usual, and said, “I’m so very sorry for your loss.”

I shrugged and rolled my eyes, “It’s fine, please don’t pity me.”

He shook his head with sincere eyes. “No, you’ve mistaken me. I’m sorry for
your
loss, as in your loss of hope and happiness, your life ahead of you. I can’t imagine it’s easy losing your future. We’re supposed to bury our parents, not your partner or dreams ahead.”

Water pricked at my eyes and I could only stare in disbelief. I hadn’t felt that understood by anyone in a very long time. Astonished by his attentiveness, I failed to form words and blurted out my thoughts. “No one’s ever apologized like that
in two years. I mean for
me
, and not Aaron’s death.”

Rhys tilted his head slightly. “Well, it’s true. You didn’t just lose him, you lost a little of yourself. It seems you’ve moved here to find yourself again, yes?”

I agreed as I discovered the peculiar sensation to have someone you barely know suddenly understand everything about you.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“For what, dear?” he asked, his brows furrowed in bewilderment over his blue eyes.

“For understanding.”

∞

We continued stretching in silence and finished at about the same pace. Rhys stood up and again I couldn’t resist glancing at his perfect physique. Reaching out his hand, he pulled me to my feet in a jolting motion that brought me intimately close to his body, and I had to subtly take a step back to meet his gaze. He was at least six to seven inches taller than me, and I felt oddly short considering my tall height.

In revealing my secret, an ease seemed to have washed over me. I was surprised to have control of my nerves that left me feeling bare and discovered, but unfortunately it didn’t last long. My anxiety flared. I noticed him glancing at my exposed waist, so I placed my hand there in a pathetic attempt to cover up. He noticed discomfort, glanced up and asked, “Are you going home now?”