Following Your Heart (22 page)

“I'm sorry,” Susan whispered. “But I just can't.”

T
he singing had started and James sat on the hard bench watching as the boys who were leaving for instruction class rose from their seats and followed the line of ministers upstairs. After a respectful pause the first girl got to her feet, moving with quick steps. Another girl stood to follow, and another, until four of them formed a line behind the boys.

James's head jerked sideways as the
Englisha
girl rose from the women's section, pushing through the aisle of women and babies. When she arrived at the bottom of the stairs the last girl was already halfway up. Teresa's cheeks were bright red, her eyes on the floor. So the
Englisha
girl was going to instruction class? How about that? That could only mean she really was willing to marry Yost Byler.

Teresa looked young as she dashed up the stairs after the others. James watched in horror. She obviously didn't know Amish tradition where no boy, let alone a girl
ran
up the stairs to attend instruction classes. A low gasp rippled through the women's section, as Teresa caught her shoe on the edge of the steps and ended up on her knees. Susan rose to her feet, sitting down again when Teresa continued on as if nothing had happened.

James shook his head. She had looked so helpless for a moment, her dress splayed across the steps, her hands white on the handrail. But she wasn't helpless, was she? How could she be helpless and have a baby without a husband? Girls didn't get in such situations without knowing what they were doing. And how could she be helpless and travel all the way from the
Englisha
world to the Amish community? No one did that without courage or perhaps a great dose of stubbornness. But Teresa didn't look stubborn.

The song leader bellowed out the first syllable of the next line, and James looked down at the little black songbook he was holding. The boy seated next to him held on to his side of the page. Taking a deep breath, James joined in with the others.

His thoughts kept racing though. Why had Teresa looked so frightened at the Sunday night hymn singing when Yost had been looking at her? Hadn't she agreed to marry him? Yost was here this morning, seated in the men's section even though he was not married. That's how old the man was.

This was a puzzling situation, and it wasn't that Teresa wasn't
gut-
looking. She was quite striking, especially this morning with her cheeks flushed from the embarrassment of lagging behind the others. Why was Teresa doing this?

At this moment she was upstairs sitting on hard-backed chairs listening to the ministers reading the first two of their eighteen articles of faith. That would leave nine lessons to go and five months, followed by baptism and then marriage to Yost. That was if she went through with the plans, which from the way she bounced up from that spill on the stairs it was obvious she would.

So why did that bother him? That was the real question. James concentrated on the page in front of him. He really shouldn't be thinking these thoughts, especially about an
Englisha
girl. Why was he even admitting that Teresa was
gut
-looking? Had he no sense in his head at all? Didn't temptations come in the world's
gut
-looking packages? The preachers never grew tired warning of that danger.

Glancing up, his eye caught Eunice seated in the girls' section. She was looking at him, and smiled when she caught his eye, the contact lingering for a long moment. Now there was also a
gut
-looking girl and available to him. She'd take up his offer to drive her home in a heartbeat. Perhaps he should, he thought, letting a hint of a smile creep onto his face. Eunice brightened considerably before looking back down at her own songbook.

James kept looking at Eunice's face. There was no hint of blushing. Eunice was a confident girl. That she would consider him an option ought to be a compliment. It would be nice, wouldn't it, to have a girl like that? A girl who knew what she wanted, and who would go along for the ride. They could grow old together, never trying to get anywhere, just living a simple life.

Allowing the thought to linger, James glanced away from Eunice. His life could be like that, if he wanted it to be. Why then was he thinking about the
Englisha
girl?

In front of him in the women's section, Susan's
Mamm
got to her feet carrying Teresa's baby toward the bedroom. He was wrapped in a blue blanket; his little face turned upwards, one hand waving around as if he was trying to reach something on the ceiling.

After what seemed like a long time, but was only several songs later, the first of the returning boys appeared on the stairwell. Thomas watched as the line of identical black suits came down the stairs, followed by the girls in their plain dark dresses. Teresa brought up the rear, her face tense, almost pale, each foot seeking for the step before she took it. The others had left her several steps behind by the time they reached the bottom of the landing.

James watched her face as Teresa moved down the aisle in the women's seating, finding her empty place on the bench. Another song was given out, and she kept her eyes on the page, her lips moving. Did the girl already know how to sing German? That could hardly be possible, but she was clearly trying.

The bedroom door opened and Susan's
Mamm
came out, carrying the baby. Approaching Teresa, the baby must have caught sight of her, turning its head in her direction. A light seemed to come on in Teresa's face, moving outward from her eyes until she beamed. She reached her hands out to take the baby.

James looked away. Obviously, Teresa loved the baby, but what mother didn't? This was not unusual, and yet it was. He searched his mind for the reason, but found none. Would not any of the Amish women do the same? Yet none of them had a child outside of marriage. Was that not the difference? An illegitimate child would be an awful thing for them and scarcely endurable.

They might even reject the child. And Teresa could have done so, could she not? She was an
Englisha
, and they had their ways which an Amish girl did not have. Horrible ways of removing a child from existence before it was born, and beyond that there were easy ways of placing a child with other parents. Teresa did not need to be here, accepting this situation.

A vision of Yost Byler rose in James's mind, standing in line with the men earlier this morning, his tattered black hat pulled down over his ears, minute traces of straw clinging to the bottom of his pant legs. Teresa was willing to accept that? She was willing to marry Yost? And for what?

The answer glowed before his eyes, shining out of the joy of Teresa's face when she looked at the child. She was doing it because she loved her baby with a depth quite beyond explanation.

James drew in his breath, concentrating on the pages in front of him. A soft click of shoes on the hardwood steps above him brought the singing to an end. The ministers were filing down the stairs. When they were seated, the first speaker got to his feet and began speaking. But James was watching Teresa's face as she held the baby. One little hand was sticking out of the blue blanket, the little fingers wrapped around one of hers. A smile was spread across Teresa's face as she looked down at him, joy written on every feature of her face.

James pulled his eyes away, turning toward the preacher. But the words kept running together in his head, his mind unable to pull away from the sight he had witnessed. This was a very
gut
-hearted woman. An equal in love even to his own
mamm
and her seven children. So now the question really needed to be answered. What in the world was Teresa doing marrying Yost Byler?

Because she had sinned?
Yah
…but more than that. Because she loved her son. James stared at her, both hands clenched on the edge of the bench. Such love did not deserve to be given to Yost Byler. The man could not return that kind of love to a wife.

Moments later, the first minister concluded his remarks and knelt down to lead them in prayer. At the “amen,” they got to their feet and remained standing, as Deacon Ray read the Scriptures. James kept his balance, light-headed, staring at a single spot in the floor. He should never have started wondering about this
Englisha
girl. That's what came of minding other people's business.

What if
Daett
found out about his questions, let alone his conclusions? James glanced at his
daett
's face, now studiously reading from the pages of the Bible. There would be trouble indeed, much trouble.
Daett
was behind much of the current treatment of Teresa, and if his own son came to her defense, it would be a serious matter indeed.

His sympathies would likely be viewed as rebellion at best, and falling for the forbidden things of the world at the worst. But was that true? James searched his heart. Was he falling for the allurements of the world? Daring to glance at Teresa again, he shook his head. She was
gut
-looking, but not enough to risk one's reputation over.

Out of the corner of his eye James caught Eunice watching him. Eunice's eyes were filled with questions, a slight frown on her face. James met her look, and she raised her eyebrows. Had he been found out? He smiled, and Eunice's face softened. Hopefully no one would believe her if she said that Deacon Ray's son had been looking at an
Englisha
girl that way.

But Eunice didn't seem to be suspecting anything, so he shouldn't have to worry about her. She looked away and he did likewise.

Deacon Ray finished reading and everyone sat down, the house rustling with the sound. James tried to listen to the next sermon, refusing to turn in the direction of the women's section. Eunice was still visible out of the corner of his eye, and she obviously was keeping an eye on him, her gaze coming his way every few minutes.

Well, let Eunice think what she wanted to. She had no evidence, and he had done nothing wrong. Toward the end of the sermon, when Eunice was looking away, he dared glance toward the women's benches, but Teresa was gone, the spot empty. By the time Eunice looked back, James was watching the minister who was wrapping up his sermon. Moments later he was asking for testimonies.

When those were completed the minister turned to Bishop Henry, who cleared his throat and said, “We're so grateful today that all which was spoken and heard could be declared as the Word of God. This is what all of us strive to do each day with our words and actions. Let us now be dismissed with the Lord's blessings. Church will be back here in two weeks, and we have no further announcements to make.”

The smaller boys jumped to their feet, moving toward the front door as fast as possible without drawing stern looks from the men's section. James stood when his turn came, ignoring Eunice's gaze on him as he walked by her.

Outside in the barnyard Thomas sidled up to him. “Did you see Eunice making eyes at you? She could hardly look at anything else!”

James allowed a soft smile to spread across his face. “I did. But you ought to be upset, I would think. Aren't you afraid I'm stealing your girl?”

Thomas laughed. “So why don't you take her home tonight? Eunice is a sweet girl.”

“So why don't you?” James shot back.

“Because I'm waiting on Susan; you know that,” Thomas asserted. “I was so hoping she would come along to instruction class today, but she didn't. She's so stubborn. But not more stubborn than me. I'll wait her out if it takes years.”

“How do you think Teresa did?” James asked.

Thomas raised his eyebrows. “Not bad, I would say. Your
daett
didn't bother her with any German questions.”

“Maybe
Daett
wants this thing to work between her and Yost Byler,” James said.

Thomas laughed. Then he stopped suddenly. “Whoa! What's this interest in the
Englisha
girl? Are you after her yourself?”

“Of course not,” James said. “But it still doesn't seem right. She deserves better than Yost.”

“My, my.” Thomas slapped James on the back. “If I didn't know you better, I'd say you had it bad. But don't worry, Teresa will make it. I feel a little sorry for her sometimes, but what can we do about it? The important thing is that everyone's trying to find a way out of the troubles she's caused—which, I might remind you, she brought on herself. You'd be much better off taking Eunice home tonight and forgetting your troubles with her charming smiles. How about I line her up for you?”