Fog (28 page)

Taking a deep breath and ordering myself not to piss my pants, I open the hatch. At first, it requires some force, but then the door is ripped from my grip and bangs against the side of the plane. Cold wind rushes in, and the fishtailing goes from tolerable to violent. The machine dips into the cloud cover.

Okay, time to take a nice comfy leap into a bed of white sheep’s wool.
 

Ugh, I’ve never been good at bullshitting myself.
 

I shut my eyes, grab both sides of the doorframe, and propel myself out of the machine with a cry.

Wind rips at my cheeks and eyelids. The wet clouds are as cold as ice.
 

I try not to think of an impending death by being smashed to smithereens. Doesn’t work, though.

My heart is hollering. Or maybe it’s stopped by now. I can’t really tell.

I break through the cloud cover and see Earth racing toward me. Below me, everything is white. Only a black, dotted line of naked trees and a few dark, windswept rocks are spinning like crazy. Like arms of a clock telling me my time is running out.
 

The storm of my quick descent roars in my ears. I’m dizzy, trying to balance my limbs in thin air, trying to slow the tumbling of my body. At some point I’m supposed to release the parachute. Not sure when, though. I’ve never jumped from an aircraft.

For a short moment I wonder if I’m free. I think I am, now. Even before I touch the ground, before I reach civilisation, before I can be sure I’ve survived all this. Two years of Hell behind me. It feels unreal. Just like flying.
 

I grin, and the wind gushes into my mouth and through my teeth until they hurt.

My breath is a series of groans in too quick succession. I should try and stop hyperventilating. There’s a uniform mass of white below and a uniform mass of white above. No idea how close or far away the ground is.

With a rush of panic my survival instinct kicks in as the single line of trees begins to show faint details of branches and shadows of piled up snow. I stop thinking and start reacting. I kick my heels and move out my arms and hands stretching flat against the pushing air. My tumbling ceases and I pull the release. The parachute jerks me away from death. I hit my head on the stock of my rifle.
 

Squealing like a pig that meets the slaughterer, I hold on to my ruck and watch the ground approach. Just as I think that I’m too fast, the ground hits me, hard. Pain shoots up my legs and hips, and I roll and plough through the deep snow. The parachute drags me and, finally, brings me to a halt.

Gasping, I look up at the clouds. I’m invisible. I bark a single, croaky laugh.

I move my legs and instantly, pain sets my right ankle on fire. It almost makes me regret I pulled the release at all. I must have pulled it too late, but then, if I’d done it only a few seconds earlier, the parachute wouldn’t have opened because I was still spinning like a maple seed in a hurricane.

I roll onto my side, scrape snow out of my mouth, ears, and collar. I must have lost my wool hat. When I brush snow from my hair it comes off slightly rusty. It doesn’t worry me; it’s not my own blood.

My body feels stiff and ice cold; I need to move. I strip off my gloves, unstrap my ruck and the parachute and peel myself out of all that equipment. Snow is falling thickly, but at least there’s no wind. Bit by bit, I pull in the parachute. It’s heavy; fresh snow weighs it down and more is falling onto it. It takes about ten, fifteen minutes just to get the thing bunched up next to me.

My fingers brush over my pant leg, gingerly probing the muscles of my calf, ankle, and foot. My ankle hurts like shit when I touch it. There’s no blood on my pants or boots, which means the fractured bone didn’t break the skin. But there’ll be internal bleeding that’ll cause painful swelling in about twenty-four hours. Depending on the severity of the injury, I might be unable to walk.

I twist my neck to assess the distance to the nearby trees. More than a hundred metres. Okay, I’ll crawl, or scoot on my butt — backwards like some stupid crab. Without a good stick to serve as a crutch, I won’t get far. But I don’t even know how far precisely I need to walk to reach my destination. All I know is the direction: south, southeast. More or less.

I pull the knife from its sheath and cut the parachute into shreds. My breath is cloudy. There’s a layer of fresh snow on my pants, boots, and the ruck. Wrapping my ankle tightly in strips of fabric produces more pain. I’m angry at my leg, it’ll kill me if I let it. To croak today is not on my list anymore.

With my ruck serving as support, half dragging it, half leaning on it, I make it to the group of trees in a bit more than half an hour. Or in what feels like half an hour. I’m soaked in sweat when I lean against the first trunk. As soon as I stop moving, cold creeps in with icy fingers.

I find a dead branch that looks the right length and thickness, break it off and clamp it under my armpit to test its stability. It doesn’t creak when I put the combined weight of my ruck and myself on it. I sit back down, pull my snow goggles out of my pack and snap them on my face.
 

Even with the injury and not knowing where precisely I am, my situation isn’t hopeless. Actually, it’s quite all right, everything considered. I have all my possessions — my ruck, clothes, cookware, provisions, plus a bunch of small and useful things, and most important of all: my knife, pistol, and ammo. Even my rifle. I need to get used to its weight and feel again. And I have to push away the memories it evokes.
 

A laugh bursts from my chest. There are so many memories that need to be pushed away, I should get my brain washed.

One last glance at the compass, then I stand and hobble away from the Carpathian Mountains.

———

Snow is coming down; large and heavy flakes. Four days of snail’s pace limping didn’t get me far. My provisions have been eaten, the little oil in my petroleum burner is gone. Eating snow to replenish liquids would kill me in a day or two. So that’s it, basically.
 

My ankle hurts so much I want to puke. I’ve been ass-scooting since this morning. It took ages to move only fifty metres. My pants are soaked, and caked with ice. I’m freezing. There’s absolutely nothing that looks familiar to me and I have no clue where I am. The maps crashed with the aircraft — in my hurry to get out of the machine, I forgot them and this mistake is going to kill me now. There’s nothing in sight that can help me pinpoint my precise location. A distant forest and I are the only non-white things sticking out of this snow desert.

I keep wondering what I was thinking when I ran from Erik and his men, and whether, at some point, I really believed I could make it.

I gaze up at the sky that has been overcast since I fell from it. Above the clouds are Erik’s satellites, their various UV/Vis and shortwave infrared sensors are unable to see me now. Up until a few days ago I’d hoped to make him believe that I’d crashed and burned in his aircraft, so he wouldn’t come looking for me. It doesn’t matter anymore.

With a sigh, I remove my snow goggles and lean back against a tree trunk. My knees are knocking against each other. The vibration sends waves of pain up and down my injured leg. I close my eyes and slow my breathing, thinking of the friends I’ve left behind and wondering what I have done to be the only one left alive. For a very long time, I believed I couldn’t bear the guilt.
 

Today, I don’t feel this weight. Now that I sit and stare into the white expanse, I begin to miss things that seemed irrelevant for so long. Strangely, the one thing I yearn for is autumn — the turning of the land, the blushing of the trees before they get naked. Funny, what one suddenly learns to appreciate when time has run out. Or maybe it’s just me not wanting to freeze, to be so hungry and utterly thirsty. Autumn was nice. Sun. Colours. Food in abundance.

When, gradually, my shivering subsides I know that the warmth my body seems to feel is the first messenger of my end. I don’t mind. It’s a kind way to go. I’ll fall asleep and, by tomorrow morning, I’ll be an icicle.

I think of Rajah, her kindness, her voluptuous body, her soft voice. ‘Sometimes, in my dreams, I’m holding you,’ I once told her, and she smiled, the baby at her breast cooed, and she reached out her hand — calloused, red, and a little swollen from too much work. I took it into mine and she pulled me closer to kiss my wrist. Our smiles and the touch of her lips to my skin were her death sentence. We had believed that, for one moment, no one was watching.

Weakness kills. I’ve learned that lesson.
 

I’m ready now.

I’m ready.

And so tired.

The yapping of excited dogs sounds from afar. I wake from my stupor. The thought of being torn apart by a pack of hungry wild dogs mobilises my last bit of energy. I slip a round into my rifle, and run my index finger over the cold trigger guard. The temperature is so low that the metal is sticky to the touch.
 

Breath clouds my view and my scope. I let the condensation clear, prop the weapon onto my healthy knee, and gaze through the finder. Two rows of six dogs each, a sled with a heavy load, a handler.

A tear skids down my cheek.
 

I lower my rifle, cry, ‘Over here!’ and wave.
 

The animals approach quickly. Their yapping mingles with hoarse huffs. Only a moment later, they come to a halt. Sighing, I close my eyes, revel in the noises they produce, the smacking of tongues and muzzles, the pattering of paws in snow. I try to taste the sounds, but my mouth is parched.

The pulse in my fingertips taps erratically. I can almost feel the warmth and softness of the furry animals.
 

I will not die. Not today.

I made it.
 

He’s more bear than man. His beard is dotted with icicles, his shaggy brown hair melts into a thick fur coat that reaches down to his shins to meet two large boots. Gloves with cut-off fingertips and a hat are made of coarse, waterproofed wool. Silently, he gazes down at me as if I’m an apparition from another world.
 

I’m about to point out that he’s the one who looks absurd — a cross between man and beast — when he lifts the muzzle of his rifle and points it at me. It’s an old weapon, but accurate enough to kill from such a short distance.
 

‘I am Mickaela Capra, Sequencer’s apprentice in her third year.’ I almost gag on my own words. ‘I lost my SatPad. I’m injured and need to contact my people.’ I cock my head at him, trying to look friendly. I forget how that’s supposed to work with men. ‘Could you help me, please?’

He scowls and doesn’t lower his weapon. If he squeezed the trigger now, the bullet would hit me in the solar plexus.
 

‘Where’s your Sequencer?’

‘He was killed by the BSA,’ I answer.

The muzzle drops a fraction and that’s when I know he’s close to where I need him. I push a bit more. ‘Did the Sequencers already pick up the samples of dog lungs?’

He blinks. ‘Might be in a week or two. I don’t know your face. How come you know about the tuberculosis monitoring campaign?’

‘I was with your clan two winters ago. Katvar made me this.’ I slip my cold hand under my scarf and tug at the small ivory dog.

The disapproval in his expression comes as a surprise. His eyebrows bunch up as he slings his rifle over his shoulder and offers me a hand. ‘Can you stand?’

———

A settlement appears on the horizon — small, shadowy blobs amid the white. ‘Why are you so far east this winter?’ I ask, although I know perfectly well.

‘Ran into problems with the neighbours.’

‘Problems that made you move your winter camp several hundred kilometres?’

The bear man, Sal, doesn’t reply. He introduced himself a couple of minutes ago, after two long and silent hours of racing through the snowy countryside. But I’m only guessing how long we’ve been travelling; the sun is covered by clouds and time crawls slower when one wants to be done with freezing, with being hungry, thirsty, exhausted, and in pain.
 

I’m folded up next to a moose carcass. While it was still warm, I had my arms wrapped around its furry neck, my fingers dipping into the wound and then into my mouth, again and again. I have no idea how he killed the moose, because the hole in its neck was not inflicted by a bullet. Whatever caused it, it looks as if Sal has enlarged it with a knife. There’s another hole in the animal’s chest, a little smaller. I’ll ask him about it later.
 

Now, the carcass is stiff, its blood tastes off, and I can’t quite move my limbs from underneath the heavy body. At least, I got a little liquid and a few calories into me. Life is improving.

The wind carries cries of welcome to my ears. My heart skips a beat. All will be good, I tell myself. And yet, somewhere in the back of my skull is a scraping sensation.
Danger!
it whispers over and over again, making my muscles tense and my head ache. I try to calm my breathing.
 

The sled slows as we enter the village. My eyes are sharp, scanning for potential attackers. My right hand wants to touch the pistol strapped to my leg, but I won’t let it. One doesn’t beg for help wielding a loaded gun. I ball my empty hands to fists. All will be good, I repeat in my mind.