Authors: Diane Capri,Christine Kling
She was staring directly at the camera, and I noticed the deep lines at the corners of her eyes, the furrows in her brow. Though the weather in the photo was bright and sunny, in her eyes I saw the dark squall of her painting.
“We have expectations,” he said, “but then we discover life is full of hurts and disappointments and shortcomings.”
I nodded and took a swig from my beer. “Yeah, I’ve had a few of those lately.”
“What makes you so hard on yourself?”
“Me?” I cocked my head to one side. “What do you mean?”
“You’re a smart, funny, talented, beautiful woman. Aside from being a terrible cook, you’ve pretty much got it all.”
A smile touched the corners of my mouth for a little while, but as we sat quietly watching the sky turn violet, the sour taste returned.
Neal looked so damned cocky and happy and pleased with himself in the other photo. We’d made love that morning and made pancakes for breakfast before going ashore and exploring the ruins of an old fort down in the Dry Tortugas. It was funny that I even remembered we’d eaten our last papaya that day, feeding each other spoonfuls of the juicy pink-orange flesh dripping in lime juice.
“Neal saved my life down there, B.J. He didn’t have to come back and put that regulator in my mouth.”
“No, he didn’t.”
“It’s funny in a way. Crystal said he was a romantic, that he would come back for me—and he did. He died because he came back to save me.”
“Yes, I know.” He kissed the side of my head and smoothed back my hair. “And you should be happy for him.”
I turned to face him, puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“Seychelle, do you really think Neal was all that content with who he had become? The Neal we knew back when you first met him was a guy who was struggling with lots of inner demons, but he was trying, really trying, to be good for you. I don’t know all his history—I don’t even know if his history would explain it—but for a while there, with you out of his life, the demons took over. He did things that he could never erase. I think he went a little crazy hiding up there in the Larsens’ house watching you and thinking about all that money out there, with him the only one who knew where it was. Finally, at the end, you gave him a chance to get his senses back, to do an honorable thing.”
I reached over my shoulder and stilled his hands. “So you’re saying I should forgive Neal, is that it?”
He laughed softly and exhaled in a deep sigh. Before he could say anything more, I turned to him.
“Please, don’t say anything for a few minutes. I want to tell you something. Just listen, okay?” I took a deep breath. “The summer when I was eleven, my mother asked me to go to the beach one day,” I began.
***
When I’d finished, we both sat in the netting, quiet for several long moments. Finally I said, “I was just a little kid.” I squinted at the horizon. “I didn’t know much about who my mother was. These past few weeks I’ve come to see just how dark her bad days must have been. No wonder she couldn’t climb out.” My voice cracked, but I swallowed and licked my lips. I felt like a huge stone was pressing on my chest, preventing my lungs from inflating. Clutching the photos and knowing in my own way that I was speaking directly to them, I said, “I miss her so much.” The school of tarpon had reversed their direction and were moving off, back toward the slick water of the pass. “I forgive ...”
I couldn’t get the rest of it out, but he knew what I meant. I forgave all of us.
The photos fell into the netting when I stood up and clambered out of the bow hammock and dove off the starboard hull. I had to get away, be alone. As though in one of the annual lifeguards’ qualifying races, I swam the crawl stroke with everything I had, all out, feet pumping, arms arcing out of the water and slicing back in with barely a splash. Each breath felt like burning sandpaper in my throat as my head rolled out of the water, gasping out of the corner of my mouth. I was headed out to the pass, to the dark, swift-moving currents, to the blue-hole depths where shadows lurked.
When I could no longer see the bottom and the surface of the water bulged smooth and taut, I kept at it, swimming with every ounce of energy I possessed, and still I stopped making any progress through the pass. The incoming tidal current sweeping through the narrow cut was just too swift. I flailed with all my strength, but I did not move an inch over the bottom. Finally, I took several short quick breaths and dove, angling downward, ears popping, lungs straining.
I opened my eyes and saw the huge silvery silhouettes gliding around me, unafraid, oblivious to my presence. Without a mask and with very little light underwater the enormous fish seemed to appear as if by magic, looming out of the shadows swirling and swimming around me in an underwater ballet. The tarpons’ scales, great round glistening disks, shimmered in the dark water finding and reflecting the last rays of the dying day. With their low-slung jaws and big dark eyes, the huge fish might have looked evil were it not for their total indifference.
I reached out to touch a fish as it passed so close to me, but as if with some unique schooling perception, the fish’s impressive body turned just out of my reach. As he turned, so did the dozens of others around him, and I wondered if it was that primordial cooperation that we’d given up to gain our free will.
My head broke the surface, and I let out a whoop so loud, it startled the egrets nesting in the mangroves on the bayside of the key. The two birds took to the air, bouncing off the tiny elastic limbs of the tree. I floated peacefully, surrendering to the current carrying me back to the boat.
B.J. stood up forward on a pontoon, leaning out over the water, his arms wrapped about the lower shrouds. Even at this distance, silhouetted against the coral-colored sky, his white grin glowed against his dark skin. He lifted an arm in a wave and hollered that dinner was ready. I began to stroke my way back to the boat with a different sort of urgency. All my appetites had returned.
THE END
Florida Is Murder
A Continuing Conversation With Diane Capri and Christine Kling
What do writers talk about over a glass of wine or a leisurely dinner? When two authors have known each other as long as we have, the conversation ranges widely but always returns to our love of reading and writing our stories. Book lovers are like that the world over, we’ve found. After all, that’s why you stopped by, isn’t it? Come on over. Pull up a chair. Relax. Join us while we share some things you’ve not heard about us before. Let’s see....where were we?
Diane Capri:
Chris, you’ve been a boat bum for decades. I’ve noticed that boat lovers seem to be voracious readers, too. Why is that?
Christine Kling:
I think it has to do with the fact that we live off the grid when we’re aboard. We aren’t dragging around a long extension cord and there is no cable that reaches out to sea. When you’re cruising on a sailboat, there is lots of time because it is a very slow mode of travel, and slowing down your speed and your body clock just puts you in the mood to get lost in a book. There’s a bit of a chicken and the egg thing here in that I’m not sure which comes first, loving boats or loving books, but I guess the part of people that makes them attracted to both is that part in us that makes us dreamers. To love books, you have to have the imagination to play the whole story out in your head - to see it in your mind’s eye. And boaters are always dreaming about being captain of their own ship off in some exotic land performing acts of courage. Even if you have a little plastic boat like I do, you still dream that you’re Captain Jack Sparrow.
So that is my story of what draws me to books and reading. How about you, Diane? What were the first books you loved? Were you a reader as a kid?
Diane:
You bet I was. Reading has changed my life many times. I’ve always loved reading and I can’t imagine a life without books. Early on, I read everything: cereal box labels, fliers delivered to the house, Mom’s magazines and Dad’s newspapers. I can remember being a small child riding in the back seat of the car and reading every single sign along the highway. We took a lot of long car trips back then and my parents, bless them, managed not to kill me for being such a pest. My mother loved reading and read to us from the moment we were born. Maybe even before. Reading has always been as natural as breathing for me. But as we grew older, Mom was constantly looking for ways to amuse us that weren’t expensive. The library was a natural option. There were no bookstores in our small town, and of course, that was long, long before e-books made getting a book any time, any where -- even in the middle of the ocean -- possible. So once a week, we’d traipse over to the library, spend hours choosing our books and proudly pop our library cards down on the checkout table. It was great fun for all of us. I worry that moms and kids don’t do that sort of thing as much any more. Of course, we didn’t have as many other amusements available to us when I was a kid. Reading transported us to other worlds and other lives and was ever so much more fun than watching TV. Except for Perry Mason. I’m persuaded those old TV re-runs are at least part of the reason I became a lawyer where I really learned to write.
Now out there in the middle of the water, with no one to save you from whatever terrors you find between the covers of a good book, Chris, don’t you worry about great white sharks and perfect storms? What was the most harrowing sea adventure you’ve ever survived? And did your love of reading help at all?
Christine:
Ah, storms. Right now I am sitting on my boat tied to a mooring in Man O War Cay in the Bahamas. I’ve got my morning coffee and toast, the sun is burning off the night’s chill and drying the dew on the decks, and the wind is barely ruffling the flag at the stern. Have you ever noticed how difficult it is to think about storms when the weather around you is lovely? (Yeah, the human ability to forget pain is the only reason there are second children). I’ve been very lucky in my sailing. I haven’t ever experienced a real gale at sea. I’ve crossed the Pacific Ocean to New Zealand, sailed from California to Panama, cruised most of the Caribbean and Venezuela, and yet, the most wind I’ve experienced at sea has been about forty knots. But believe me, that is very scary. The odd thing is that I kind of enjoy being pushed to my limits like that. You have to think on the fly. One time when I was traveling with my husband and my ten-year-old son en route down to the Virgin Islands, we got hit by a severe squall that blew out our mainsail. At that point, you have to adapt to the new circumstances. What do we do now? There is something exhilarating about having to make it up as you go along - and again that might be something that also attracts me to writing.
What is it about your character (you, not the fictional ones) that attracts you to writing? Is it that exhilarating fear of facing the blank page and not knowing if you will be able to do it again?
Diane:
Oh, man! I’m always full of bravado when I’m pumping up my courage -- “I’ve done this zillions of times before, of course I can do it again!” -- but the fact is the message never quite seems to seep down to the fingertips, you know? In some ways, writing the first book was easier because I had never written a novel before and the challenge was simply to finish the book. Each book after that brings a totally different challenge, doesn’t it?
Christine:
Yes, sometimes it does seem like in this business, the more you know, the more you learn how much you don’t know. To be a writer you have to have the confidence and courage that somebody out there will actually want to read your stories (and somehow push that courage down to your fingertips :-), but at the same time we tend to be shy and even somewhat fragile in that when things in our careers take a downturn, it’s quite easy to decide that’s it! I’m a fraud, I never could write, I should just quit! I’m sure you know what I mean. Quick story: my first four books were published by Ballantine Books and after the first one was published, my first editor was let go, and I was assigned to the under-30 up and coming movie-star-handsome editor. We never really hit it off and he wouldn’t communicate with me. I’d go to conferences and discover he was there even though he had never even told me he was going. I’d email him and he wouldn’t answer my emails. When I sent him the manuscript for my fifth book, I waited and waited. After four months, I finally worked up my courage and wrote him saying that I had fulfilled the option clause of my contract, and that I was withdrawing the book from consideration to publish it myself. I was terrified that I had made the biggest mistake of my life! But in the end self-publishing that book and then getting the rights back to my Seychelle books and self-publishing them has been the best thing I’ve ever done for my career. I now have more readers than ever before and if that’s not the measure of success, I don’t know what is.
So, once you do surmount the challenges of writing a book, and you have a new manuscript in hand, what would be your dream way of getting that book out there to your readers? I know you have done both traditional publishing and self-publishing. What do think is best for you today?
Diane:
We’ve known each other a long time, and we’ve traveled the long and bumpy publishing road together. It’s not surprising that publishing companies have the same ups and downs as other businesses do. But it was shocking to me when my publisher went into bankruptcy (and ultimately out of business) and I was forced to go to court to get the rights back to books that I had created out of nothing but air. Like you, though, owning all my books again turned out to be a fabulous thing for me. Now, I own my own publishing company for my ebooks and I partner with another publishing company for tree books and another for audio and two more publishers for non-fiction books and gift books. So I guess we’ve both become what they’re calling these days a “hybrid” author, meaning both self-published and published by other publishers. And I have to say that I like this “hybrid” life the best of all the things I’ve done so far. It’s fun to have control over my work, to make decisions about editors and cover art and such. But it’s also great to have a team of qualified professionals handling the myriad other things that need to be dealt with in the life of our books. Especially on days like today when I’m up to my ears in alligators with writing projects!! Hybrid author gets two thumbs up from me!