Flesh: Part Sixteen (The Flesh Series Book 16) (2 page)

My mouth falls agape for a moment. “She was my best friend, Lucian. That makes her more than just a client.”

“We didn't do anything beyond the scope of what you and I discussed.”

“But you saw her naked,” I practically yell.

He's silent for several seconds, blinking slowly as if he's trying to control his own anger. “Amy, I'm a surgeon. If you have issues with me seeing people naked, then you probably should have thought about that before you decided to pursue me.”

“Pursue you?” I huff. “If I recall, you were the one who wouldn't leave me alone in the beginning. I didn't want anything to do with you. I wanted to keep things strictly business.”

“Would you listen to yourself?” He narrows his eyes. “Do you even believe half of the bullshit you're spewing out right now? I don't think I've ever met anyone who lies to themselves more in my entire life.”

I show him my palms in surrender. “You know what, we're obviously not going to be able to have a civil conversation, so I'm just going to leave. You said you wanted to talk. We talked. I'm done, Lucian. I'm so done right now.”

I turn to leave, but he grabs me by the wrist. His touch pushes my rage button, and I reflexively slap him as hard as I can. My hand throbs from the force of it, but Lucian doesn't give me time to recover. In an instant, he's caught my other wrist and pushed me back against my car. I struggle for half a second before stilling, the look in his eyes draining all of my sense away.

He doesn't look hurt or angry or frustrated or anything in between. His eyes are hooded, and all I see behind them is affection. It sickens me, but I know that he's much stronger than I am. There's no escaping him.

“You think this is all about you.” He gives my body a gentle shake to make sure he has a good grip on me. “You always think everything is all about you, but it's not.

“I hate the way you make me feel. I hate the way you're capable of hurting me. Do you want to know why I really took Janice as a client?”

I don't. I really don't. The way he's looking at me, it makes me feel things. That what he's saying is genuine. That what he's about to say is going to hurt. I don't want to feel any more pain from him. I say nothing, but he keeps speaking anyway.

“I wanted this to be over between us. You were right. We're not good for each other. Oil and water.

“Since I met you, we have hurt each other time and time again. Not only have you hurt me emotionally but also physically. I've never allowed a woman to physically assault me like you have since my early days in the lifestyle. You're far braver than you should be. Far more passionate than you give yourself credit for. You love fully and don't even think about the consequences until they're right on top of you. And you don't hesitate to strike hard and deep when you feel backed into a corner.

“I took Janice on because I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to hurt you because you hurt me. It's not fair and it's not right. And I didn't enjoy a fucking second of it. And do you know why? Because I love you. I love you and it fucking kills me.

“
I never wanted to see your face again. I thought you would just lay down and take it like a good little girl. But you're not a good girl, no matter how much you want to pretend you are. You're every bit as nasty and spiteful as I am. And even though you did this. Even though you came here and wrecked my shit and slapped me and are being a complete and total cunt, I still love you.”

He lets me go and turns from me, taking several steps away before stopping and gazing up at the sky. My brain is telling me to get in the car and peel away on my rims, but I'm frozen in place. All I can do is stare at him with tears silently cascading down my face. Everything inside of me hurts, and I can feel the pain radiating from him as well.

He loves me?
He took Janice on as revenge for the stuff I said at the restaurant. Holy shit, we are the same. I'm no better than he is.

I gaze down at the spray paint on Lucian's driveway. What happens now? I don't even know anymore. I'm so confused and overwhelmed and just sad.

“People who love each other shouldn't treat each other this way,” I mumble.

“No. They shouldn't.” He shakes his head.

“I guess we've both screwed up a lot.”

“More than a lot.” He rubs his face with both hands, then his neck.

“I...” I hesitate, feeling like I shouldn't say what I'm thinking, but somehow knowing that it's important. “I loved you too, you know.”

“Loved me?” He turns to look at me finally.

Even though it doesn't feel like a good moment to be embarrassed, I still am, my cheeks warming up a bit. I think I hate him, but inside my heart I know that's not true. I've already said too much. He doesn't need to know anything else. As he told me, it's over between us. There's no point in prolonging things.

“Can I call the taxi now?” I wrap my arms around myself protectively, not because I'm worried that Lucian will advance on me again, but because I don't want to feel this pain anymore. There's so much of it hanging around like a thick fog.

“If I let you go, then when you get in that taxi, I'll never see you again.”

I can't tell if it's a question or a statement, so I simply say, “No. Well, not until I can get my dad to come back with me and put new tires on the car. But I won't bother you.”

“I don't want that.” He looks sincere, which only hurts more.

“Lucian.” I drop my arms to my sides, trying to be strong enough to say what I need to say. “You and I both know this isn't going to work. You want me as your submissive. I'll never be a submissive.”

“I thought I would be fine without you. And maybe I eventually would have been had you not come here today.” He avoids my gaze, staring off into the distance. “But I've felt sick and broken ever since I did what I did. I thought it would make me feel good, but it didn't. I wasn't lying when I said I didn't enjoy a second of it. It just made me feel vile and wrong. I wanted to hurt you, but I was hurting myself in the process, knowing that I was doing damage that couldn't be undone.

“I canceled the interior design project because I knew I wouldn't be able to face you afterward. I was hoping that you'd see it as a definite sign that things were over between us. I was hoping it would give me some closure.

“But all day yesterday I just felt miserable, walking around in a deeper depression than I've experienced in a long time, my heart...shattered. I realized I didn't want to live without you, but I also knew it was too late.” When he looks up at me, his eyes are brimming with tears. “I don't want it to be too late. I'll give up Flesh.”

Crap. He's crying. Must be strong
.

“That's not enough for me anymore,” my voice cracks, and I silently curse myself. More than anything, I want to give in to him, but I know that it's wrong. As he said, we've hurt each other way too much. Two wrongs don't make a right, and we have way more than two under our collective belt.

“Then move in with me.”

“What?” My eyes dart up to his face, my mouth falling open again.

“Move in with me. I'll still give up Flesh. We can try things your way. If you're living with me, you'll trust me more. We can have a real go at this, doing things the right way. No more avoidance. No more purposefully hurting each other?” He seems uncertain about that last part, but I know it's directed at me and my cruel, flapping mouth that likes to take stabs at him when I'm angry.

“Oh Lucian, I don't know.” I bite my lip, my mind going a million miles a minute. Internally, I know that I want this. But he has just said so many raw things to me. I'm not sure if he actually means it or if he's just acting out of fear of losing me forever.

“I'm willing to give this one last try if you are. I'm willing to put it all on the line for you.”

I suck in a breath, trying to grasp on to reason. My brain plays a montage of everything we've been through together. I want to focus on the bad—need to focus on the bad, so many horrible things. But I can't help but see the good as well. Playing with liquid latex at Flesh. Him teasing me with my camera when I first came to his house to take pictures and then caring for me when I hurt my ankle. I see him breaking down and telling me about his wife. The moment when he said he was afraid of what he was starting to feel for me. All of it is just too much. How I haven't started pathetically mewling yet is beyond me.

Lucian walks over to me and reaches out to take my hands. I stare down at his thick fingers gently caressing mine. His touch sends a shiver of desire through me, more emotional than sexual. I feel a connection to him. I don't want to feel it, but it's still there.

“Please, Amy. Give us this last chance. The thought of never seeing you again kills me. I don't want that. I want the opposite. I want you in my life all the time.

“I want to wake up beside you. Make you breakfast in bed on the weekends. Sit next to you in the mornings and watch the news, which I know you hate, by the way.” He bends slightly to catch my gaze, and I can't help but laugh.

“How do you know I hate it?” I shy away.

“Because you never really pay attention to what's on. Just like I know you hate the History Channel.”

“You're such a dick.” I wipe my face with the back of one of my arms. “Making me watch it when you know I don't like it.”

“I won't do it anymore.” He wrinkles his nose playfully. “We'll find something we both like to watch. I can watch the History Channel whenever you're not around. It will be like my secret porn,” he leans in to whisper.

I giggle again. “History Channel porn. Nice. I'm not going to come home to you jacking off to Helen Keller, am I?”

He shrugs, tilting his head up. “Who knows? She was kind of sexy.”

I slap at his chest, hating that he's melted my heart already. For a few seconds, it feels like everything is alright between us. But I know it's not. There's still so much that's messed up.

The corners of my lips dip into a frown as I think about it all, as reality sets in. “I wish I could pretend that this makes everything better, but you've screwed up so much in my life. My boss is mad that you canceled the interior design contract. I moved out of my apartment because I can't stand to look at Janice anymore.” I pull my hand away from his, hugging myself to place a barrier between us.

“Let me fix it. Let me fix everything.” He looks at me earnestly.

“How?”

He licks his lips, his expression guilty. He takes a deep breath and rubs the back of his neck with his hand. “The work thing won't be an issue. I have lots of very wealthy friends. I can send business your way.

“As for Janice, what happened wasn't really her fault. When she found out that I was going to be her Dom, which she didn't know until I walked into the room at Flesh, she said she didn't want to do the scene. She was really worried about how you'd react. But I saw the opportunity I had to get back at you, so I convinced her that you and I were over and that everything would be alright. You know how persuasive I can be.”

My jaw tenses as I think about every single time he's ever seduced me. It makes sense that Janice wouldn't be able to resist him, but it still ticks me off. Even if Lucian told her that things were over between us, she still should have known that she was breaking the sacred girlfriend code. You don't mess around with your best friend's ex. Ever. Under any circumstance.

“This isn't just about you.” I shake my head. “She let you do those things to her.”

“It wasn't her fault, Amy. You have to believe me.”

I sigh, my mind a mess of confusion as to whether or not I want to forgive her—as to whether or not I want to forgive both of them. What they did to me was far more painful and nasty than anything I did to Lucian.

“So you two didn't mess around at all?” I ask reluctantly.

“No. We didn't kiss. Didn't touch beyond what I needed to do for the scene. I really don't think either one of us enjoyed it. I should probably give her her money back.” He looks over my shoulder at the road.

“No. She doesn't get her money back.” I know she doesn't have a lot of money to waste, but it's a small consolation for my forgiveness. “You're going to take that money and buy me something nice.”

“Am I?” He smirks.

“You are.” I step forward, my fingers moving to trace down the front of the form-fitting t-shirt he's wearing. “A housewarming gift.”

“A housewarming gift?” he parrots back before a smile stretches across his face. “Does that mean?”

“Yes. This is it though.” I try to keep a straight face. “If either one of us screws up again, it's over. For real, this time. We can't keep doing this.”

I expect him to say something else, but instead, he rushes forward, lifting me up to twirl me around. Everything feels so surreal. The sadness that's been sitting over us like a raincloud is completely dispelled, and I allow myself to fall into the euphoria of realizing that I'm finally getting what I wanted from him all along. At least, I hope I am.

When he sets me back down, I wipe the pleased grin from my face, not wanting him to see how happy all of this has made me. “So, just to be clear, I'm not going to be your submissive? That's not why you want me to move in, right?”

“No.” He shakes his head. “You'll be my girlfriend, but we're still going to do kinky stuff. That part of me can't be compromised.”