Fitzwilliam Darcy, Rock Star (49 page)

Jane looked at him mutely and nodded.

“Did you mean it?” he asked. “When you sang ‘The Longest Good-bye’? Did you mean it? Were… Are you really ready to give it all up? Just like that?” He couldn’t mask the bitter hurt in his voice.

“What else could I do?” she asked, her voice low. “Did you expect me to just sit around? To let you and your friends keep messing with my friends and me? You hurt me. You hurt all of us, and I couldn’t stay there and let it go on.”

Charles looked down at the table and closed his eyes. Her words cut him deeply, and even more painful was the knowledge that she was right, and he deserved it. “Will you let me explain, please?”

“What difference will it make?” she asked wearily.

“It will make a difference because I love you and you love me.” Jane shook her head but he would not be stopped. “No, Jane. I was wrong, completely wrong and I admit that. I didn’t trust you with the truth and I should have. But I know you told me the truth when you told me you loved me. And you may not believe me, but I do love you. I have since the night we met and I will never stop.” His words were fierce and intense. He carefully took one of her limp hands in his own and said, “Please, let me explain. You deserve to know.”

Jane looked at him for a long time. His hair and body were the same, but his face had changed. He looked older, and his eyes were marked by a sadness she had never seen in him before. His perpetual cheerfulness was gone, and looking at him, Jane was hard pressed to remember it; his face was so stricken. Jane squeezed his hand and nodded to him to start.

Charles squeezed her hand back in gratitude and began. “Almost six years ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.” He closed his eyes against the painful memory. “At first I thought it was nothing. Yes, it meant an operation, but I figured with all the different treatments, she would be okay.” He paused and looked into her eyes. “I was wrong. She fought it, we all fought it together, for nineteen months, but in the end, there was nothing left. She died four years ago this month.”

Jane’s mouth fell open in involuntary sympathy. She reached out to take his hand in both of hers.

Charles continued, “When she finally died, I was devastated, but I was also exhausted. Caro and I had been pushing to finish our degrees, because that was what she wanted, while we were spending as much of our free time with her as possible. I got to the point where I knew the flight schedule between San Francisco and Providence as well as I knew my class schedule,” he said with a quick grin, “but in the end, there was nothing we could do but grieve together, and we did.”

“I’m sorry,” Jane said compassionately.

“So am I. She would’ve loved you,” he told her, his eyes gently holding hers. “Anyway, after she was buried, I found I needed to get away from California. Home had too many bad memories and I just needed a break, so I flew out to New York and spent some time with my best friend, Will.” His voice was thick with memories. “Will was going through a hard time with his band, and somehow focusing on him and his problems made it easier to handle the pain from my own loss.” He looked at her and shrugged. “Well, you know this part of the story. I joined the band, we were a huge success, I got Caro to come out and work with us.

“But I left my father behind,” he said slowly. “I talked to him regularly, but I was busy, busy being a star, and busy working through my grief. I didn’t realize that I had left Dad all alone or that he wouldn’t be able to handle it.” Charles frowned.

Jane could see he was blaming himself for something. “What happened?” she prompted him gently.

“You know, I still don’t totally know,” he said in bitter amusement. “I was doing great, top of the world, and one day I get a call, and Dad’s been arrested.” His face struggled with his emotions. “He was charged with insider trading.” He looked at Jane, his face puzzled, as if she might have an answer. “Apparently he pissed off the wrong people. I don’t know. All I know is that he was alone. Mom was gone and Caro and I were gone, and no one was there for him.”

“Charles, it’s not your fault,” Jane told him, her hand on his arm.

Charles shrugged. “The worst part of it was I still couldn’t be with him. Will was there when this all broke. He was great. He was the clear head we needed. Right away he saw what would happen if the tabloids got hold of the story, so he and Caro worked like crazy to make sure it didn’t happen. That’s where all those crazy rumors about the band came from. Darcy deliberately leaked them, so the press would chase him and ignore me.”

He sighed. “But even still, I couldn’t go to the trial. It was too chancy. Instead I stayed in New York, very publicly, while Caro slipped out to him.” His voice was bitter and tired.

Jane couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Elizabeth had told her it was something bad with Charles’s father, but she had no idea. She was touched by the pain and guilt he felt, and as she held his hand, trying to help him deal with his feelings of guilt, Jane realized something. Charles hadn’t kept the news of his father from her because he didn’t trust her to keep the secret. He hadn’t told her because he was ashamed. He felt guilty and ashamed for his father and for himself, and he was afraid she would be ashamed of him too. Her heart broke with this knowledge, and she knew then that she loved him, that she would always love him.

“He was convicted and sentenced to two years in prison.” Charles’s voice had taken on a strange, emotionless tone that was quite unlike him. “He served for a year, and during that time, I only visited him twice.”

“You should have told me,” Jane said gently, her hand stroking his. “You shouldn’t have carried this all on your own.”

Charles looked at her, his eyes filled with so much despair that it had completely defeated him. “I know. I know,” he told her regretfully. “I still can’t believe it. My dad, he took me on my first camping trip and taught me how to ride a bike and now he’s an ex-convict. I just can’t reconcile… Anyway, two weeks ago was his parole hearing. That’s why I was in California. He was released and Caro and I spent the week getting him settled. When he was convicted, he had us sell his house. There were too many memories there and most of his money was gone with all the fines he was forced to pay. When I bought the place in Muir Beach, I made sure it had a separate apartment on the grounds, so he would have a place to live when he was released. I spent the last week helping him get readjusted to being free.”

Jane’s hand reached up and brushed his soft golden curls. “That was very kind of you. You’re a good son.”

He shook his head slowly. “Jane, if I were a good son, this never would have happened. I would have stayed closer to him and made sure he was okay, instead of running away.”

Jane touched his face, stilling him and bringing his eyes up to meet hers. “Charles, it’s not your fault. He made his own choices.” She stopped and took a deep breath then committed to her course and revealed something she had never told anyone. “My parents, they have a lot of problems too. It’s not obvious, but it’s there. My mom overspends terribly and my dad is…” she sighed, “he’s very hard on her. He hurts her feelings and puts her down all the time. And it’s very hard. You want to help your parents, because you love them, but you can’t. You have to break away and let them live their own lives, because you can’t rescue them every time and you can’t make them change. I’ve tried.”

Charles looked at her eyes, which were open to him, and he saw the truth in her words. He opened his arms to her and she was there, holding him tight, and he wasn’t certain who was comforting who, only that they had a moment of perfect understanding.

“I missed you so much, Jane,” Charles whispered into her hair. “Every day I missed you and every night was a thousand times worse. I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the phone and started dialing you, to tell you to fly out. I needed you.”

“Why didn’t you?” Jane asked.

“Because I’m a fool. Because I didn’t think you would understand. I knew you had appearances and work, and I didn’t… I couldn’t tell you about Dad over the phone, and I didn’t think you would just drop everything and fly out to California because I asked you.”

Jane locked eyes with him. “If you had called and told me you needed me, I would have come. Nothing would have kept me away.”

“I know,” Charles said as he kissed her lightly and pressed his forehead against hers. “I’m a fool, Jane. I’m so sorry. I should have told you.”

Jane found that once she had loosed her emotions, she couldn’t hold them back. “What happened when you came back?”

Charles gave a bitter snort. “You mean when I sunk from fool to moron? I was miserable. I just needed to see you. I don’t know why, but I went to the party and I got drunk. I hated myself and my life and I couldn’t take it anymore, so I got blotto.”

“What about the picture?”

“What picture?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“There was a picture of you in the paper with that girl,” Jane explained, her voice carefully neutral.

“Really?” Charles asked. He shrugged. “I had no idea.” Then he looked at her as a thought passed over him. “You didn’t think that I…?”

Jane shook her head. “I didn’t know what to think, Charles. From your phone calls, I thought you wanted to break up with me.”

“No! Jane, never!” He sighed and dropped his head, “
Christ
, when I think about what I said over the phone. Oh, Jane, I can see where you would get that idea. I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I didn’t know about the picture and I didn’t know that you were in the theater when I sang ‘It’s All a Joke.’ I was hung over and had sat around waiting for too long, and when Will suggested it, I thought it was just to piss off the MTV people. I had no idea, really.”

Jane believed him. He was holding nothing back, either verbally or emotionally. She moved back, out of his arms, and tried to make sense of her thoughts and feelings. This new information did explain many things, but still, she had been hurt deeply by him. She still wasn’t sure if she could trust in him.

Charles watched her pull away. He understood. “I don’t blame you, Jane. I’m very sorry. I made the biggest mistake of my life, but please believe me when I tell you I do love you, and I’m sorry.”

He stood up and moved to the doorway. “Thank you for letting me explain everything, Jane. I hope you will forgive me someday.” He left then, with a nod to Elizabeth, let himself out the front door, and walked to his black Denali. His limbs felt shaky, like he had just run a mile. He leaned against the SUV as he opened the door and let the July heat escape. He had done it. He had apologized to Jane, but he found that he completely agreed with her. He wasn’t good enough for her and he didn’t deserve her forgiveness.

Jane sat perfectly still, trying to understand what had happened, when an icy coldness hit her. Charles, who had brought warmth and love to her, was leaving, and all she had when he was gone was pain. She got up and ran.

He was swinging himself up into his seat when she burst out the door. “Wait!” she yelled as she ran barefoot to him. Charles was back on the ground when she reached him and flung herself into his arms. “Don’t go,” she cried, as she buried her face into his T-shirt. “Please don’t go.”

“Jane?” he asked, his heart in his throat.

“I know! I know, but when you held me, I felt better than I had in weeks.” Her words tumbled out in a rush. “And then you went away, and all the hurt came back.” She looked up to him, her eyes brimming with tears. “I need you, Charles,” she admitted brokenly. “I need you and I don’t know what to do.”

Charles found himself comforting her, his emotions spun out of control. He rubbed his cheek against her soft blonde hair as her hands clenched in his shirt and she sobbed convulsively.

“Let’s go back into the house,” he said with far more confidence than he felt. Holding each other, they got through the door and as far as the entryway before they stopped and just held each other tightly, their bodies taking mute reassurance from the presence of the other.

Charles pulled himself together first. He gently eased Jane’s face up to his and kissed her tear-stained cheeks. “It’s going to be okay, Jane. We’re going to be okay.”

Jane listened for a second to Charles’s heartbeat pounding against her own chest. It comforted her. Just the return of his scent to her nose eased some of the pain she carried. She opened her eyes and looked at him worriedly. “But there are so many things to work out,” she sighed. “And what about the others? Char and Lizzy?”

Charles kissed her forehead gently. “I know,” he said softly. “It’s a lot.”

“I just wish we could go away together for a while, just you and me.”

Charles looked at her and smiled, his thoughts quickly falling into order. “Why can’t we, angel?”

“But,” Jane murmured, puzzled, her soft mouth left open in confusion.

“I’m sure Lizzy can handle things here, right, Lizzy?” Charles looked up to see Elizabeth exactly where he knew she would be, watching from the end of the hall. He smiled to her.

Elizabeth smiled back. “He’s right, Jane. You go with Charles. I’ll take care of things here.”

Jane looked at Elizabeth and smiled gratefully. “Thank you, Lizzy.” Turning to Charles, she said, “Okay, I’ll go pack.” She hurried up the stairs, leaving Charles alone.

He pulled out his cell phone and dialed his home number and waited for his sister to pick up. “It’s me. I need you to find a place for Jane and me to be alone for a few days.”