First Chances (9 page)

Chapter Thirteen

Hadie

Unfamiliar faces.

Names that were still foreign to me.

A room that needed all the light bulbs changed.

I was back at the support group. Yay.

Not.

I skulked in a chair by myself, not making eye contact with anyone. My arms were crossed as I stared down at the floor, wishing my parents would stop making me come to this stupid support group.

This was only my second time, but it felt like I’d been coming here forever. I didn’t know how sitting here was helping anyone. It definitely wasn’t helping me. There was no way anything could help me. Not unless Philip could transport me into the
Harry Potter
universe where I could use the resurrection stone to bring back Lincoln.

What made it even more unappealing coming here was seeing that Fiona girl all over Eddie. It shouldn’t bother me, but it did. Seeing him being that close to someone else was kind of confronting. Especially after the almost-kiss that had happened last night at the diner.

I mean, in some weird sort of way that girl was supposed to be me, wasn’t it? That was how the story was supposed to end, right? I was supposed to end up with the sweet, caring guy who everyone approved of. Not with the dangerous, bad boy.

The funny thing was, a huge part of me wanted to be with Eddie. But another part of me—one that was searching for something—couldn’t go through with it. Eddie was one of the good guys, and I didn’t know what I was anymore. He deserved to be with someone better, and that was why I couldn’t care that Fiona was studying him in adoration.

Just from the way he had comforted me yesterday showed what a good person he was. Even after I’d been hot and cold with him, he still found it in his heart to let it go.

“Michael, would you like to share anything with us today?”

The dark-skinned boy beside me slowly got to his feet. He was tall and broad-shouldered, and looked like he could be an athlete. A basketball player was my guess, although I didn’t know a lot about sports. Basically, I was uncoordinated, had no balance, and was a shorty McShorty pants—no athletic ability there.

“Yeah, there is something,” he said, his eyes fixed on Philip.

“Sure, in your own time,” Philip said with that patient smile he gave everyone.

Michael was one of the ones who spoke sparingly. The last time I’d been here, he’d spoken for maybe a minute about struggling with money this winter.

“My aunt got a raise yesterday.” His face was completely calm and the only sign that he may have been nervous was the shuffling of his feet as he shifted his position. “She’s going to let my brother and me stay with her.”

I sat up a little straighter as everyone broke into cheers and claps around me. Fiona actually jumped out of her seat and ran across the circle to give him a quick hug.

Feeling uncomfortable, I turned my head and looked the other way. I felt like I was intruding on a private moment that I had no right being a part of. Like I’d said, it was like opening the pages of a book and reading the story from the middle.

“That’s great, Michael,” Philip said as Fiona resumed her seat beside Eddie. “How is your brother doing?”

Michael appeared relieved, despite his expression not changing much at all. “A lot better.”

“We’re all glad to hear that,” Philip said. “Thank you for sharing that with us.”

With a nod of his head, Michael sat down again. He really was a man of few words. It sounded like his story was heading towards a happy ending.

“Hadie, would you like to share anything today?”

Philip’s voice made me jump, and I glanced at him with wide eyes. No way. There was nothing I could talk to them about. There was nothing I had to share.

“No,” I said quickly, and then stared down at the ground.

There was a pause, but then he moved on to the guy sitting on my other side who said he didn’t have anything to share, but ended up talking about a movie he’d seen the other day. Philip didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Philip didn’t try to steer the conversation in any particular direction. Weird.

Weren’t counselors supposed to probe you about your deepest, darkest secrets? Your fears? What made you tick? What you’d learned that week? That was how they always made it out in the movies.

When Philip got to Fiona, I zoned back in. She rose to her feet, straightening her purple
Led Zeppelin
shirt as she paused for a second.

“Um, this Saturday it will be a year since my brother was shot,” she said, her tone wavering from the usual optimism it held. “I, um, I’m going to visit his grave. I haven’t been able to do it since he died. It’s too hard to-” She choked on her words, and Eddie reached over and held her hand.

I decidedly stared down at the floor again as she continued to speak. I knew how difficult it was for me to visit Lincoln’s grave. I hadn’t gone to see it in weeks.

“My parents are going with me, so I’m going to try and be strong for them.” There was movement, and I glanced up to see she’d sat back down again.

“I know it’s hard for you, Fiona,” Philip said, his tone gentle. “But you’re very brave to face your fears and visit him. Your brother would be proud of you.”

She nodded as her eyes brimmed with tears, and Eddie wrapped a comforting arm around her shoulder. She looked at him with a grateful smile, and his eyes met mine as he rose to his feet.

Embarrassed, I immediately averted my gaze, not wanting to be caught staring.

“Eddie?” Philip prompted.

“I’m really close to buying that car I’ve been saving up for. It’s going to make life a lot easier. It’s not much, but it’s the best I can do for now.”

He sat back down as everyone cheered and clapped for him. So this was what a grief and loss support group was all about? It was about supporting each other and listening to the small trials and achievements in everyone’s lives. I hadn’t expected that.

As Philip went around the circle and wrapped things up, I continued to focus on one spot on the floor. I definitely didn’t want to get caught creepy-staring at Eddie and Fiona again. Not cool, Hadie, not cool.

“Remember, big goals can be achieved with small steps,” Philip said as everyone began to leave. “Have a great weekend.”

I picked up my bag slowly, waiting for Eddie and Fiona to leave ahead of me. I didn’t want to be caught in an awkward walking-out-together thing.

“Hadie, can I talk to you for a second?” Philip asked, approaching me.

Almost dropping my bag at the sound of his voice, I straightened up and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

He studied me, his eyes gliding over my face like he was trying to figure something out. “I know it must be a big step for you coming to the support group, but the only way it’s really going to help you is if you open up to the group.”

Frustration and annoyance immediately shot through me. Who was he to tell me that I needed to talk to a bunch of strangers about the shit I’d been through? It was no one’s business but mine. I was only here because my parents insisted on it.

“I don’t exactly feel like sharing my problems with complete strangers,” I shot back, unable to hide how irritated I was.

“They’re only strangers because that’s what you choose to make them,” he said, his tone perfectly calm. “The point of a support group is to share your problems with people who are experiencing similar things, and by supporting someone else in a similar situation, you can in turn help yourself.”

Philip’s words silenced me. Not knowing what to say, I simply shrugged.

I think he felt as though he’d made his point, because he gave me a slow smile—which reminded me of someone else—before stepping aside. “Have a good night, Hadie. I hope to see you next time.”

He said this as though he expected me not to come back. I gave him a tight smile in return and headed outside, wondering how he maintained his cool so well. Was it because he was used to people coming in not wanting to be there? Had he dealt with a lot of problem cases? Was
I
a problem case?

Embarrassment washed over me as I stepped outside. I had never been a problem for anyone. I was a good girl. I was always polite to everyone. Was I-

“Agh!” I cried as I slammed straight into someone standing outside in the darkness.

Two hands clamped down on each of my shoulders to steady me. I gazed up into Eddie’s handsome face. Eddie. Of course it was Eddie. It was always Eddie.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, trying to force myself to move away from him.

Except my body didn’t really want to. My body was kind of liking the way his fingers grazed against my shirt. In fact, I could stare into his brown-green eyes all night.

Luckily, he released me and cleared his throat. “It’s fine.”

There was an awkward silence; one that I was desperate to break. Maybe Eddie and I could be friends without any other feelings creeping in. Being this close to him, the way he affected me, it was hard to ignore the way my body responded to his.

God, what was wrong with me? I was the one who had limited our relationship and now I was the one who couldn’t control her feelings. My mind was completely out of whack.

“Uh, um, what’s that Michael guy’s story?” I blurted out, not knowing how else to start a conversation with him.

Eddie released a sigh into the night air, his breath smoking in the cold. “Maybe if you cared to talk to any of us then you would find out.”

My eyes searched his as I struggled to push through his curtness. Eddie Cavallari was one of the nicest guys I knew; for him to act this way towards me was like stepping into an alternate universe.

This was not the nice guy I knew. This was not the nice guy I was used to.

“Eddie.” My voice broke a little, but still his expression was austere. “I know I’ve been doing stupid things lately. I know I’ve been pushing everyone away, pushing you away. I’ve been self-absorbed, caught up in my own whirlwind of darkness and destruction, but please don’t turn me away. I need someone, Eddie. I need a friend.”

I had expected Eddie’s mask of coldness to fall apart at my words. I had expected sympathy to replace his stern demeanor. The one thing I hadn’t expected was to make things worse. He looked even angrier now.

“You know what?” He brought his head closer to mine, his forehead creased with deep lines. “Did you ever think that maybe I don’t wanna be your friend?”

A cry caught in my throat. His words slammed into me heavily. How could he say that? I thought he of all people would understand what I was going through.

“I-I.” I took a step back as my head started to spin.

“Maybe I don’t wanna be your friend,” he repeated, placing his hands on either side of me on the wall. “Maybe I want to be more than that.”

I actually stopped breathing then. The intense look in Eddie’s beautiful eyes was captivating, dangerous; something about it was weaving its way into my heart.

For the first time in a long time fear shot through me. I had been guarding myself against this feeling for a long time, yet here was Eddie so easily bringing it out in me.

And a part of me had been eagerly awaiting this for a long time.

Chapter Fourteen

Eddie

Hadie was staring up at me like I was a complete stranger.

Honestly, I felt like a goddamn stranger. I didn’t speak to people like that, especially not Hadie. But this was how frustrated I was when it came to her. I was frustrated and heartbroken, and stupid for not being able to move on.

But a promise to a dead boy kept me holding on. I would not let that promise become a hollow lie.

I wanted to kiss her so badly right then and there, and a part of me had a feeling she would have let me. The way her body was angled towards mine, her partially closed eyes, and the way her mouth was parted told me that she did want me.

But the rejection from yesterday was still fresh in my mind. I would only put my hands on Hadie when she asked me to, and right now she wasn’t exactly admitting to wanting me. Everyone had their expectations and that was mine.

I dropped my hands from the wall and took a couple of steps away from her. I could see her chest heaving up and down, like she had run a marathon and was trying to catch her breath.

“What did Lincoln name his dog?” I asked out of nowhere.

She seemed surprised by my sudden question. It was pretty random, but I had a point to make.

“Chance.” Hadie didn’t look up as she spoke. Maybe it was because I’d mentioned Lincoln’s name and it was still hard for her to think about him.

Of course it was still hard. My dirtbag father leaving us still affected me. Lincoln had meant so much to her; it would take her a long time to heal, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t start right now in some small way.

“Exactly,” I said, moving forward and placing the palms of my hands on her cheeks. “He didn’t name his dog ‘death’ or ‘despair’ or ‘depression’. He named his dog Chance. No matter how hard life kicks you in the face, you always have a chance to pick yourself up and continue living. No matter how bad things are, you
always
have another chance to make things better.”

Confusion clouded her face as she stared into my eyes. Her lips parted once again. “I shouldn’t, but I have-” She stopped herself, but a part of me knew what she was going to say.

Hadie had feelings for me that she was holding back. Feelings that she was trying to fight that resurfaced whenever we were together. I knew; I could sense it, because I was feeling the same way. There was no way I was crazy enough to think this was one sided.

A thought struck me. Maybe it was a way to get through to her. “You asked about Michael, right? Do you want to know what happened to him?”

She slowly nodded, curiosity in her eyes. She may not want to read books anymore, but the girl still had a natural love for stories.

“Michael and his ten-year-old brother, Jonah, lived with their parents. They weren’t a well-off family and struggled with money, but they were a happy. Michael studied hard and was a star athlete in school. His goal was to get a scholarship to play ball in college. Three months ago, his parents both died in a car accident.”

Hadie gasped, her eyes widening. It was good to see that at least she hadn’t lost her compassion for people.

I didn’t give her a chance to digest what I’d said; I simply continued. “Michael and Jonah didn’t have any family who could afford to let them live with them, so their only option was a foster home.”

“But all that would have affected his studying,” she said, her forehead scrunching. “He’s so close to graduating.”

I nodded. “Michael’s aunt, Monique, took them in temporarily, but she wasn’t earning enough to be able to take care of them and her three kids. What Michael shared today was a big deal. His aunt got a raise which means he and his brother can live with her.”

“What? Really?” She released a breath, her eyes bright. “So he could still get the scholarship?”

I nodded again. “In fact, he never stumbled. He kept on moving ahead with his life. Sometimes the only way to move on is to keep living.”

Her eyes locked with mine, full of fear and a little bit of something else. Something crackled in the air between us; something intangible, something that I couldn’t name. All I knew was it was pulling me towards Hadie like I had never felt before.

“Um,” she said, deliberately turning her head away from me so that our eye contact broke. “My mom’s here.”

And just like that, she drifted away from me.

I watched as she hurried to where her mom had pulled up and got inside the car. Once again, Mrs. Swinton rolled down Hadie’s window and waved at me.

“Eddie! Do you need a ride home?”

Hadie’s mom was a really nice lady, and I could tell she really liked me. I had a suspicion that she offered to take me home so that Hadie and I would have to spend more time together.

“Hi, Mrs. Swinton,” I said enthusiastically as I approached the car. “I’m waiting for my cousin, but thank you so much for the offer.”

Her face fell and she gave Hadie a sidelong look. “How was the support group today?”

I rubbed my hands together to keep warm from the biting cold, waiting for Hadie to say something.

She slowly raised her head to look at her mom. “It was okay.”

“What about you, Eddie?” Mrs. Swinton asked. “Do you find it helpful?”

I nodded without hesitation. “The way Philip runs the group doesn’t make you feel like someone’s there analyzing you. It just seems like we’re a bunch of friends working out our problems together.”

“That’s exactly what I hoped for,” she said with a smile. “Maybe Hadie will be able to find people to connect with.”

“I’m sure she will,” I said. “We’ve all been through a lot together, and it’s been nice having kids my own age to talk to.”

“That’s wonderful, Eddie,” Mrs. Swinton said, her brow creasing a little as she studied me. I could tell she was trying to figure me out and what my own loss could be.

It was actually amazing to me that no one in this backwards town had figured out that my dad had run off, probably with another woman. I guess him being in the army was a good cover story.

“Well, I’ll see you next time Eddie,” Mrs. Swinton said with a wave.

“Good night, Mrs. Swinton.” I said, returning the wave. Then my eyes fell on Hadie who was staring down at her lap. “Good night, Hadie.”

She looked up, her face fighting several emotions. “Good night.”