Authors: A. L. Wood
Natalie
Waking up, my iPod still blaring music into my ears, I slide the curtain open observing what everyone is doing. From my point of view I can see the kitchen table where Liam is currently sitting, eating a sandwich. He is a gorgeous specimen of the male race. Rough around the edges but with a smooth soft soul. Just being near him soothes me, my emotions.
I should inform him of the con
frontation between Steele and me. Maybe he can find a way for me not to be alone with him. Or maybe a way I can discourage Steele from wanting anything like that to happen again. I know Steele is a man of non-repetitive bed partners. If and when ever I decide to give myself to someone, it will be with one who wants to share my bed for the long run.
With the state of my life, my past, my present, I can’t see where my future is going and if I will ever allow anyone in besides Layla. My gut is telling me that Liam is a decent candidate to share some piece of myself with. Usually my mind overrides my gut
instincts but I need someone on this bus who will have my back. Protect me from myself. I am weak, never having anyone from the opposite sex showing any kind of sexual interest in me. I really thought I was stronger than this, until I met Ryan.
The way he made my body catch fire earlier, losing all of my control.
Embarrassing myself because I couldn’t stop what we were doing. Only coming down from the sexual high when he smacked my hand away. His disgustful stare, instantly cooling the hot quivering need. Determined to keep my innocence, and pride intact. I slide my ass down my bed latching on to the ladder and hop to the floor.
Approaching Liam, he looks up and gives me a small
friendly smile. Not asking I squeeze in next to him and start eating the chips off of his plate. He says nothing. We sit there eating in silence. Contemplating how I should bring the subject up, I glance at him nervously and he notices.
“Som
ething on your mind Princess?” He asks, reaching his arm around me and pulling my body up against his side.
Being embraced by him, it feels natural.
Almost brotherly. If I ever had one, I am sure this is how it would feel. When we were in the back bedroom we didn’t even speak. Words weren’t needed to express how we were feeling, I didn’t know his issues nor he mine. Unjudged comfort is what we gave each other. There were no questions that needed asking and I know whether I shared this with him or not when and if a time came I needed him as a defensive shield, he would take the chance.
Liam is also
Steele’s friend. His bandmate. I couldn’t nor would I ever, want to get in between their friendship. The only way I can see protecting what they have is by discussing it. Letting him know what is racing throughout my mind.
“Can we go in the back bedroom to talk? I would feel better if no one overheard us.” I whisper. He doesn’t speak. He just slides down the wrap around L- shaped seat pulling my body along with his.
Still holding my hand he leads me to the back bedroom, opening the door shoving me insid
e and then shutting the door. Grabbing my hand again he pulls me towards the bed that’s up against the wall. He pulls it away from the wall and lets it drop to the floor. Liam sits down and pulls me down with him. Our knees touching, our arms rubbing each other’s side by side. He’s allowing me time to decide how I want to start this conversation, and for that I am grateful.
I look
at him from under my eyelashes. How he the one? Who makes me is feel so comfortable? To most he would be intimidating, hard, gruff, and full of angst. Downright scary. At least six-five with a body builder physique. Short brown hair, buzzed close to his scalp. I can see tattoos peeking out of his shirt. This is what people see when looking at him on the outside.
Inside I see a desperate weeping soul, needing to be held and loved. In him, I see myself looking back at me. He’s lost. Tears threatening to fall, because his pain is what I feel every
day, he pulls me closer. Wrapping me into his arms clutching me close, for the second time that day.
Seems everythin
g is happening in seconds today. At the same time Liam and I fall into an embrace, Steele opens the door. A new first though, Steele doesn’t walk away. I wish he had. But he didn’t. This time, he rips Liam away from me. Liam lets go willingly. I believe he was trying to deflect a confrontation with Steele. When Liam is about a foot away from me, Steele punches him hard in the face. I don’t even bother checking if Liam is ok before I begin lashing into Steele with my words.
“Wh
at the fuck is wrong with you?” I scream beyond enraged.
“Nothing is wrong, nothing at all Natalie
.” He says eerily calm.
This do
es not satisfy me as a response. You don’t just punch your best friend for no reason. I look back at Liam who is clutching his face and biting his lip. He wants to attack Steele back but he’s also trying very hard not to make the fight worse.
“
There has to be something wrong for you to walk in here and punch your best friend in the face.” I state. Calling him out.
“How
about you answer me a question? What were you two doing in here? What did I interrupt? Is that why you are mad Natalie? Two different band mates in one day. Wow! You’re another regular groupie aren’t you?” He says, laughing.
U
nable to help myself I smack him, open handed on the face, angered beyond belief. I don’t wait for an explanation, an excuse or a retort, I storm out of the room.
Steele
She fucking smacked me. The amount of things I have ever done with woman, in all of my experiences, I have never had one smack me. She left me speechless for the second fucking time today. Stuck staring at Liam, he wouldn’t even look at me. I can’t tell him the truth. Sorry man. When I initially walked in here I believed you two to be doing something. Turns out you weren’t but I had already reacted and punched you.
Yup. Not admitting that. Even though they weren’t doing anything, he shouldn’t have had his arms wrapped around her yet
again. I trust him with my life. For some reason I don’t trust him with her. Not with my Minx. When in the fuck when did she become mine, my fucking Minx? Tonight cannot get here fast enough.
Ignoring Liam, not wanting to have this conversation with him right now. I
will, later when we are off the bus, preferably drunk and searching for pussy. Alcohol inhibiting my mind will make it less likely that our conversation will end in a fist fight. I walk out of the room, taking the same path Natalie took only seconds before.
I make a beeline straight for the driver, asking how much longer it will
be until we hit our destination. The Hilton in Albany. He tells me we have about two hours depending on traffic. It’s rush hour now so everyone is on each other’s asses bumper to bumper.
Disregarding everyone
, I grab some clothes and plan on having yet another shower in one day. With Liam and Natalie shacking up in the back bedroom the bathroom is the only place I can go to escape. By the time the cold shower cools the uncontrollable burning thrum of my body, we should be at the hotel. Hiding out here in the bathroom is a much better choice. Rather than having to face Natalie and Liam’s angry and questionable stares.
Liam seems to have taken to my Minx rather quickly,
I’m shocked though because he has known what my plan was all along. She is by no means of any consequence. She’s only here temporarily, I desperately want to figure out what it is that’s going on between them but it’s none of my business.
Not my place.
I shouldn’t care but for some reason the thought of them going to each other for comfort just bugs me. Embracing, holding on to one another like life support, the thought consumes me, putting me in a rage of jealousy.
I need
to remind myself why I steer clear of women for the long term. They only want what my life can give them. The money, fame and connections. No one is interested in me. My soul or my pure intentions. All women are fake, materialistic, greedy, and selfish. I don’t have room for bullshit like that in my life. Unless she’s game for one night, I do not have room for her in my bed.
Stepping out of the ice cold shower, my mind is wagering back and forth on what to do. Should I stay out of her way?
Ignore her? Push her into Liam’s arms?
Could I
conscionably deal with that?
Fuck it. Tonight I’ll
fuck her all away with a stranger. Fuck away the lingering remnants of her body against mine. Fuck away the hauntingly abandoned looks she’s always shoving onto me.
Steele
Hightailing it off of the bus to light a
cigarette that I have been craving for hours. Since we left Boston. The altercation earlier, only making me crave nicotine even more. For the past hour I have been pacing the bus like a god damn junkie in need of my next fix. Already having an overnight bag packed in hand and not waiting for anyone else, I rush into the hotel lobby.
Ready to grab my room key and disappear, I race to the
concierge desk. We only use hotels that have employees whom respect our secrecy about where we are staying. God forbid someone let that information out. The press would have a field day and so wouldn’t every married and unmarried woman above the age of eighteen. It would cause a nightmare of numerous events.
Knowing that
Mel used my alias to reserve my room, it’s a long standing joke. “Eddie Hurst” I tell the lady at the desk, waiting to check me in. When signing our first recording contract Mel had asked me who my idol was. What musical artist I wanted to live up to. Possibly lifting the bar they had set. I told him Eddie Van Halen. He had laughed at me then, and even laughed when signing us. He thought that it was impossible.
Once we proved him
wrong and showed him that we would reach every one of those goals he started calling me Eddie. She pulls up my alias, has me sign a paper about damaging the room and hands me a card. Not caring to look back I stroll out of the lobby to the elevators. Not looking at my key card until the doors of the elevator close in. Third floor room I think to myself. Hoping luck is on my side that Liam nor Natalie are roomed near me.
On second thought, that could be a good thing. Me coming back with a s
tatuesque blonde haired groupie and Natalie seeing. It has the potential to right things between us. Warn her off before she gets caught up in my shit storm.
Rememb
ering the wager made between us guys, trying to make some kind of amend with Liam, I grab my cellphone out of my pocket and send a group text to the guys.
Me: I still
have the lead. Anyone game to change that tonight? Bar. Alcohol. Women.
Zepp:
Game. What time?
Gage:
You’re going down dick
Me: Don’t
want to go out too early, 11?
Liam:
I wasn’t going to go but sure. You’re buying though Steele. You fucking owe me douchebag
Jason: You
can’t win every time fucker
Me: 11 it is, bring your best bitches
Me: L, it’s always on me lol
Putting my cellphone on charge, relief consumes me. Unsure if my actions earlier fucked Liam’s and I friendship. I’m close with every one of the guys, they are the only ones I’ve let know even a bit of myself, my past. What makes me, me. Their friendship and this band is something I do not want to risk, for anything or anyone.
Chapter 16
Natalie
Watching Steele run off of the bus, afraid to confront his demons head on, Liam grabs the hand that’s holding my clothes for the night. He then pulls my overnight bag out of the other, pulling my now empty hand with him and closing his fingers around mine, yanking me of the bus. Zepp, Gage and Jason following behind us. We enter the breathtaking lobby showcasing all of the glitz and glamour of being able to stay within luxury. Black marble tiled floors, varnished wood desk, oversized sofas. And a giant hanging chandelier that looked like it was worth a million dollars.
Even a
beautiful little sitting area consisting of a small library and oversized maroon sofas surrounding a red brick fireplace. Reaching the check-in desk the concierge gave me a quick once over and shuddered in disgust. Seemingly telling me without words that I didn’t belong here. That I didn’t belong here with these men with devil induced good looks. Luckily for me, even with all of my fucked up half ass life issues, I might be lost within myself and my own mental ass bullshit but I knew that I was worth more. I was worth being judged by my character not by the people who surrounded me.
I make myself.
I’ll be damned if someone was going to belittle or begrudge me into being someone I wasn’t. All qualities my parents raised me with that I intended to carry on within me. Not giving the lady a chance to get a word out, letting go of Liam’s hand. I approached the desk with a big smile laid on my face preparing to smother her with my kindness.
“Hello
” quickly looking at her name tag “Joyce” I say in my brightest most over-the-top friendliest voice.
“We
all have rooms reserved here, my names Natalie Wright and this is Li…”
Liam cuts me
off “Names Sam Adams.”
I look at him, confused. What the hell?
Incredulous, I ignore the obvious lie he just told. Even if he was using a different name, how does he or the other guys not think they would be recognized? They are famous for fucks sake. Years of touring and they still haven’t figured this out. Their tours bus, showcasing their bands name, pulled up to the front of the hotel and they all stepped off not disguised.
It
would have been easier if they just told everyone where they were staying. Maybe put it on the ticket stubs the fans attending their concerts bought. Surely everyone in this town knows that a billboard chart topping band is in town putting on not one but two shows in this area. The first being tomorrow night. Shaking my head as I sign the paper Joyce handed me and collect my room key. Liam already has his. Pulling me along to the elevator he asks what room I am in. Checking my key card.
“Third
Floor room 315, you?” I ask curious if we are neighbors for the next couple of nights.
“Same
floor, room 314.” He says smiling.
Reaching my door, he leans in an
d places his lips upon my cheek while still holding my hand. A connection I really didn’t want to break.
“If
you need anything Princess, I’m right next door. Before I forget, hand me your cell.” He says, face still close to mine.
“Why
would you want my phone?” I ask with uncertainty.
“So
I can add my number to your contacts. I changed my mind I am going out tonight with the guys. I just want to fix whatever happened between Ryan and I earlier. If you end up needing to reach me for anything at any time now you can.”
He
must have changed his mind from earlier this morning when we discussed it at breakfast.
“Oh, Okay.” I reply. Bummed.
I let go of his hand, reach in my pocket and grab my
iPhone and hold it out to him. When he grabs my phone, I back away upset. Upset that Liam is going out. Leaving me alone, him being the only one I am comfortable with. Saddened because I feel that he is the only one sincere with his caring and comforting of me besides Layla.
Upset that Steele is going out most likely to find a groupie who can’t keep her hands off of him. One that will give it up freely. Even after what passed between us earlier. I really need to shake off how much he has gotten under my skin, this man is not good for me. If I can manage to survive living my life every single day after everything that has happened then I can do this.
Heartbreaker is written all over him. I
f after earlier he can go out tonight and touch some other woman, kiss another woman, have sex with another woman, then clearly earlier meant nothing to him. Which would mean punching Liam in the face was uncalled for, without reason.
By no means am I a fixer-upper person.
I am torn and shattered myself. If I can’t fix what I have going on I could never take on the task of fixing or changing someone else. But for once in my life, I want to take a chance, a risk, even if there isn’t a jackpot. I have no expectations of him. It seems that most of the time I hate the egotistical man.
Assuming he could touch me, make me feel this way. Overcome with panic, I shrug Liam off and tell him I’m tired and escape to my room.
I didn’t sign up for this shit. To go on a tour with a band I am not even a fan of. To meet five unbelievably gorgeous men, one who doesn’t mind touching me or fighting for me. Then for that same one to leave me alone. Feeling excluded and stuck on the outside.
Slamming the door closed behind me, I start shaking. Tossing my bag on the floor I sit at the end of
the bed and place my head between my knees. One week. One week since my last attack. Hours from the comfort of my bedroom, my home. Hours from Layla. New prospects surrounding me. I focus on my parents and all of the good memories. Waking up every morning before school to share a sit-down breakfast with my parents.
We would talk about our days. W
hat was going on in each of our lives. We were as close as we could be but they always had obligations to their work and the community. So we made it a point to make sure we still kept our family only time uninhibited.
I’m terrified. S
cared as hell. These feelings that have been festering all week are unknown, new to me, and I have no idea what to do with them. Trying to rein it all in all the time, is near impossible. The only chance I have concealing what is waging inside of me is by being near Liam. Unwanted flashbacks of my parent’s funeral skipping in and out. I try to shove that memory far back, but it forces itself upon me.
Looking back at my parents
’ funeral. It was classic. The normal flowers surrounding their caskets and a blown up picture framed of them at the helm. Almost everyone who attended barely knew them. If they did they had very little to do with us. Hell most I had never met, yet they all felt they could approach me. Giving me the same inconsequential load of bullshit, one after another. Each person stepping up, giving me the fakest most insincere advice.
“They will always be with you.”
“I
am sure they are looking down on you.”
“I
am sorry for your loss.”
Blah. Blah. Blah.
With each and every comment, I fantasized about grabbing their hair, pulling it out. Punching them right in the face. If only for them to stop speaking for a moment.
My parents
are dead. No longer here.
I will never see them again.
I will never have another meal with them, celebrate another birthday or ever hear their voices again. There is nothing that I nor anyone else can do to change things. God knows if there were, and it would have been done five years, three months, one week and four days ago.
Experiencing
loss is the loneliest thing in the world that anyone at any unexpected time could ever go through.
Sure, many have had to deal with it, paddle their boat across the river of grievance. But not everyone processes the stages of
grief at the same pace, or in the same exact order. Not everyone feels death so severely with the loss eating at their souls. To where five years later, it’s still controlling every ounce of my emotions’, my life, my being.
My soul.
Death- the only thing that
can ever be guaranteed out of life. Devastating for survivors, the ones left behind. I can either fall down that never ending drain of despair hiding out forever, or pick myself up one piece at a time and put myself back together. I will forever have the scars and every day is still an incredible battle. At times I will find myself smiling, a real smile and it hits me- the guilt. The guilt that I can be happy without them here. That I could laugh without them. So yes when I wake up every morning and feel that rush of pain anew, it’s hard to make the decision to get out of bed.
I sludge out of my memories, anger resurfaced at all of the people who pretended to be there then
that weren’t now.
It was a long hard road to coming to the conclusion that I had few honest people there for me. The ones who had promised, only promised to be there for me because they had
self-interest. Money makes the world go round. How friends are bought, hell how family is bought. Not with me. When I saw for myself I chucked every one of them out of my life.
Self-Preservation
. It’s what I have done up until now. Until last week, until today.
Repeatedly reminding myself, everyone is only out there for their own gain. Fortunate that my panic attack didn’t cause me to vomit. I continue breathing in and out, letting my thoughts settle. I think about what enjoyment I could find tonight. Grabbing my phone out of my pocket I send a text off to Layla. She replies instantly.
Me: Hey Lal, were in Albany the band has a show tomorrow
night. I’m close to freaking out, so close to home. If someone that knew me were to show up. Just... I’m confused.
Layla: About time you
reached out to me Nat. Making me fucking worried over here. I knew you would be busy but I thought I would hear from you before now.
Layla:
You’ll be behind the scenes. Don’t be nervous. You’ve got this babe.
Me:
You’re probably right, it’s just being here. Our first night in a hotel. Nothing to do.
Layla: Throw a hoodie on and go
exploring. Take advantage of this trip babe, you know I would ;)
Me: Sure, maybe.
I’ll find something.
Me:
I’m going to take a shower. I’ll text ya later ok. Love ya.
Layla: Love ya too Nat!!
Missing you already
Promising to reach her later I decide to take a showe
r. Grabbing my satchel of clothes, I bring it into the bathroom with me. Sitting it on the counter and starting the shower. While the waters heating up, I look at myself in the mirror. Still unrecognizable. Shady black bags under my eyes that are bright red and puffy. My mouth lightly chapped from the constant licking of my lips from my erratic nerves. I throw my clothes off in a rush to get under that hot steaming waterfall.
Once under the water, I run my hands through the long and thick mass of hair on my head. I once heard this great piece of meditational, stress free advice. When in the shower, I inhale through my nose and slightly exhale through my mouth. There is
something so peaceful about it. When I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world, I jump in a hot shower and just breathe. I always end up feeling hundreds of pounds lighter, and my mood lifted.