“Uh, is it Shy you want to kill and if so, why?” I asked and Hop just scowled at me so I gave him another option. “Or are you generally just pissed at the world because you had a bad day?”
“Did you hear me?” he asked.
“Yes, you said Shy and Tabby have gotten together.”
“Shy is Shy, babe. That means he’s doin’ her.”
“Well, yes, she’s past the age of consent and Shy is Shy. He’s hot and maybe it’s good she’s getting some.”
“From a
brother
?” he spat with disgust.
I decided to try silence for a bit to see if he’d share more so I’d know what the big deal was.
This didn’t work when Hop stopped talking and slugged back more Jack.
When he again dropped the bottle, I told him, “Hop, this is one of those times you need to remember your old lady is a fledgling old lady and you need to explain.”
“She’s Tack’s daughter,” he reminded me of something I knew.
I nodded.
“Off-limits, babe,” he declared.
“Well—”
“And he knows it.”
I moved to him, got close and lifted a hand to rest it on his chest before I said, “The heart sometimes doesn’t care about limits.”
Something in his eyes changed and I knew him well enough to know that change didn’t bode well for me.
This knowledge was confirmed when he stated, “They been at it a while, better at hidin’ it than you and me which, FYI, Shy knows about us. High you already knew, Hound was in the kitchen when we had our go ’round and Hound’s got a big fuckin’ mouth so Boz, Tug, Brick, Dog, Snapper, and Bat also know.”
Oh dear.
“And Big Petey took me aside and counseled me,” Hop went on. “No one told him jack but the old man’s got nothin’ to do but hang around and observe. Not much is lost on him.”
“Who does that leave?” I asked, not having a good feeling about this.
“Arlo, Roscoe, Speck… and Tack.”
He was making a point. I just didn’t feel like taking his point so I changed the subject. “Are you done slugging bourbon? Do you want a beer?”
He lifted a hand to curl it around the side of my neck. “Babe, Shy and Tab kept that shit from Tack and he’s seriously fuckin’ pissed. He’s got reason and, I’ll admit, it’s different, what we’re doin’, but not by much. Tab’s his daughter. Shy knows better but they lied. They hid. Tack wants him out.”
My lungs convulsed. “Seriously?”
“He says he loves her but this is Shy, and she’s fuckin’ Tabby.”
I stared at him, my lungs easing and my heart swelling.
“He says he loves her?”
“Babe, this is not Cinderella and Prince Charming.”
“Yes, it is.”
He blinked before he asked, “Come again?”
“She used to crush on him huge.”
“Lanie—”
I cut him off. “A girl, Hop, any girl who crushes on a boy like that, well… you aren’t a girl and thank God for me you aren’t. Still, that means you’ll never know. To have a crush like that and then have that boy fall in love with you, Hop, that’s a dream come true. Tabby lost so much, honey, she deserves to have a dream come true.”
His jaw clenched and he looked to the side, which was something else that didn’t give me a good feeling.
“What?” I asked.
He looked back at me.
“We had a showdown today, or Shy did with Tack, and the Club backed Tack. Tabby came tearin’ in and it went from really fuckin’ bad to cataclysmic. Shy says he’s willin’ to give up his cut for her.”
Give up his cut?
That was insane. No brother willingly gave up their cut.
Unless they were
really
in love.
“Oh my God,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” Hop said. “That rocked our shit, as any declaration of lettin’ go of the brotherhood would do. Then her mom strolled in and you were gone, lady, you never met her but Naomi, Tack’s ex, is one serious bitch. Made an art out of bein’ one, and her masterpieces were bustin’ Tack’s balls and tearin’ Tab down ’til she felt like nothin’.”
I knew this. I’d heard about Naomi from Ty-Ty. And from what I heard, Hop was not wrong. She was one serious bitch.
Hop went on. “Most of the boys know Naomi went at Tack and Tabby with equal venom, so she is not our favorite person, so much so, she’d been warned off Chaos. But Shy, swear to Christ, that woman walked in, thought Shy was gonna rip her head off. No hesitation, he had her out the door and was in her face, so harsh, the bitch didn’t say a fuckin’ word, and Naomi’s got an arsenal of words and she uses ‘em as weapons. Not a peep. Got in her car and went. Knew Shy was a good brother, outside this shit with Tab, more than pulls his weight, he’s smart, got no fear, that’s why I backed him to recruit but I had no idea he had that in him.”
I smiled. “Love makes you able to do a lot of things you didn’t think you had in you.”
His fingers dug into my skin as his eyes went intense. I realized what I said and felt my smile die away.
“Baby,” he murmured.
Really not wanting to be on this one, I quickly changed the subject again. “I think this all sounds good, Hopper. I know it’s a shock. You all have known Tabby since she was a little girl so it’ll take time for you to adjust to the fact that she isn’t a little girl anymore. But nothing you said is bad. Everything you said, honey, if you listen to your words, isn’t good either. It’s
great
. Willing to give up his cut, dealing with her mom. That’s beautiful.”
“You’re missing my point,” he said gently.
“I know,” I whispered.
He pulled in a breath through his nose.
Then he stated, “That scene we had where I watched that monster tear into you, lady, you gotta know I don’t wanna take you back there but this shit is goin’ on too long.”
Oh no.
This wasn’t happening. Not now. Maybe in a week. Or three. Or one hundred and fifty.
“I’m not ready,” I stated hurriedly.
“My job to make you ready.”
I clenched my teeth and looked away.
“Lanie, baby, look at me.”
I looked back and he dipped his face close.
“You need to talk to Tyra and not about us.”
That feeling swelled inside me, growing, taking over. “Hop—”
“She does not blame you.”
“Please stop talking.”
He shut his mouth. Then he shifted to put the bottle of bourbon on the counter and came back to me, lifting his other hand to curl it around my neck and his face again came close.
“Hold it back, hold it at bay, for now, control it like you got to, lady, but do all that letting this in,” he started and I didn’t think that was a good start so I braced.
It was good I did.
“I have never been shot. I have never watched someone I love die. But I have carried the burden of feelin’ I fucked up and someone got hurt because of it.”
“Hop—” I tried.
“Listen, lady,” he whispered.
I shut my mouth.
Hop kept going.
“Black got whacked because my girls talked. I struggled with that for a long time. He left two boys and an old lady, the Club takes care of them but that’s not enough. That’ll never be enough. She hasn’t moved on. She loved him so goddamned much, she unraveled and she never wound herself back together. That weighed heavy on me, baby, until Tack noticed and we talked it out. He made me get that I didn’t drill rounds into our brother and I didn’t yap to the wrong people, puttin’ him in danger. I did my job, carrying out the orders he gave me. He told me he also carried the same weight because he gave the orders that led to Black being brought down. But the bottom line for both of us was, we didn’t do the deed. You did what you thought was right, Lanie. But you never stuck your girl with a knife. You gotta let that shit go.”
“Will you stop talking now?” I asked, my voice small.
I understood logically what he was saying but for some, malevolent reason, that monster in me fed on the guilt and it was growing out of control.
I knew Hop saw this when he replied, “I will but I’m givin’ you fair warning, you’ve had time. That time is runnin’ out. You mean somethin’ to me in a way, for a man, he wants the world to know it. I’m proud you’re on my arm and in my bed and I want to share that with my family. Don’t keep takin’ that away from me.”
I stared into his eyes as the monster deflated inside me.
Poof!
Then I tucked my chin and planted my forehead in his chest.
Oh God.
I was in love.
God. I’d fallen in love with Hopper Kincaid.
“You gonna find it in you to help me slay that monster?” he asked, his arms moving around me.
No, I probably wasn’t.
I just knew right then Hop had it in him to do it.
Still, I answered, “Yes, Hop. But give me a few more days. Okay?”
“You got it, baby.”
You got it, baby.
I had it.
I love you,
I thought but the words didn’t come out.
Instead, I wrapped my arms around him and held tight.
“What’re we doin’ for dinner?” he asked.
I closed my eyes and held tighter.
He was letting it be.
I so totally loved him.
I opened my eyes and dropped my head back. “Takeout?”
“Works for me.”
I gave him a shaky smile.
His return smile wasn’t shaky.
“Hop?”
“Right here, lady.”
“Find it in you to give Shy and Tab a chance.”
“You already talked me to that conclusion, babe.”
Yes. I was in love with Hopper Kincaid.
“Good,” I whispered.
“Chinese, pizza, or Mexican?” he asked.
“You pick.”
“Mexican,” he decided.
“Perfect,” I agreed.
He dropped his lips and brushed them against mine, his ’tache tickling me.
Then he let me go and went to the fridge to get a beer.
I watched him, thinking, a badass biker in faded jeans, a faded black henley and beat up motorcycle boots. He needed a haircut and a shave. He used profanity way too often. And there were shadowy things in his life he had to protect me from.
But, yes.
All that was perfect.
Absolutely.
Three days later…
I stood at the sink in Hop’s bathroom, wearing nothing but my underwear, looking at myself in the mirror, so I didn’t miss it when Hop, in a pair of cutoff black sweats, slid in behind me.
I watched with some fascination as he wrapped his flame-tattooed arms around me and dropped his head to touch his lips to my shoulder.
His mustache tickled and I felt that thrill on my shoulder and down my spine.
He needed a shave, like four days ago.
I didn’t tell him this because, although he needed one, I liked it that he was a man who didn’t care.
He lifted his head and caught my eyes in the mirror.
“You good?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Sure?” he pushed.
“No,” I whispered.
Today was the day.
I’d told him the night before that I was ready. I was going to take off work a bit early the next day, hit Ride and talk to Tyra.
I’d had several conversations with Tyra since the Tabby and Shy drama went down to make certain all was well, and because she shared that prior to the faceoff in the Compound, she and Tabby had had a scene. Ty-Ty felt badly she jumped to conclusions about Shy and she’d hurt Tabby, who she adored.
Further, we’d learned that Tabby’s mother had shown on Chaos when she was not wanted (and when the boys told you that you weren’t wanted, any sane person would stay away) to share the news that Tabby’s grandmother had died. So I also wanted to see if Tabby was okay without bothering Tabby, who’d had a rough couple of days, in order to ask.
So I was going to Ride to take my friend’s pulse.
I was also going to Ride to talk to her about how I felt about what befell her because of Elliott and the decision I made and…
God
… to find out how she felt about it.
Last, I was going to tell her that Hop and I were together, I was in love with him, and I hoped we’d be together for, well… ever.
And I was terrified.
“She loves you,” Hop told my reflection, pressing his front deeper into my back. “She doesn’t blame you. But she worries about you. This will make her feel better and, however that monster is twisting it inside you, lady, I swear to fuck, it’ll make you feel better too.”
I hoped he was right.
Hop watched the anxiety move through my features and his arms got tighter.
“Baby, seriously, it’s been fuckin’ years. You think she’d drink with you, let you spend time with her boys, make you a part of her family, if she held a grudge?”
“This feeling isn’t logical, Hop.”
“This feeling, honey, isn’t about Tyra.”
I blinked.
“What?”
He held my eyes in the mirror then he kissed my shoulder again before looking back at me. “You get this step done, we’ll get into the rest of it later.”
My hands moved quickly to his arms when he made a move to let me go, so he stopped.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Proud of you,” he replied and that was nice but it didn’t answer my question so I opened my mouth to speak but he kept going before I could start. “This is a big step. I see it’s takin’ a lot out of you. But you know in your gut she doesn’t blame you. You blame yourself. That’s somethin’ else to get over. But, baby, this is about that and it’s more. No one, man or woman, lies bleedin’ on a floor with someone they love lyin’ dead feet away and comes away from that unmarked. Your issues don’t end here, lady. My guess, you’re focusin’ on this so you won’t focus on that. So we’ll focus on this, get past it, then I’ll help you focus on that. But bottom line, step by step, we’ll beat this shit.”
“I’m not sure that makes me feel better, Hop,” I confessed.
“And you aren’t gonna feel better for a while, Lanie,” he told me flat out. “You go into battle, it fucks you up. Then you come out a winner, you’re just that, a winner.”
“Okay, that’s nice and all but, I have to admit, now I
really
don’t feel better. I’m not big on being fucked up,” I told him and he grinned.
Then he asked, “Where am I?”
I didn’t understand the question so I asked back, “What?”