Finding Zach (10 page)

“No,” Zach said. He stood up on the stairs and gazed down at David. “See you in the morning, then.”

“Yep,” David said.

Suddenly exhausted, Zach nodded and went inside, closing the door and managing to turn off the lights and get to the bed before collapsing.
Gotta get out of these boots,
he thought vaguely to himself, then fell heavily into dreamless sleep.

D
AVID
watched the lights go out, then dragged himself to the car, crawling into the driver’s seat and resting his forehead against the steering wheel. Zach had looked drained, and he felt like that too. But beneath the exhaustion was a warm feeling of triumph and contentment, as if he’d gotten everything he’d wanted for Christmas. Zach didn’t hate him. Zach wanted to be friends again. He would see Zach again tomorrow.

With a smile, he started the engine and turned the Saturn toward home.

Chapter 6

H
IS
parents were both in the sunroom with Dr. Barrett when Zach got there the next morning. He’d gone running with David, though it was more like walking with periodic bursts of speed than really running, and when they’d gotten back, he’d had to run up to his apartment for a quick shower before his therapy session. David had merely waved goodbye with a grin as Zach shot up the stairs, and took off at a quick jog toward his own home.

They hadn’t talked much; but then, they hadn’t needed to. A brief exchange of hellos, David’s skeptical glance at Zach’s tan fatigue pants with a grunted “Gonna get hot,” and Zach’s dismissive shrug; then they’d done some preparatory stretches and headed down toward the trail that circled the compound. The whole route was five miles, and Zach was wiped, winded and dripping by the time they got back to their starting point. David wasn’t the least bit tired. Zach grimaced at the memory. His father had been right, yesterday; working out was all well and good and helping build back the muscles that had deteriorated during his five-year imprisonment, but he definitely needed aerobic exercise to build his stamina. If he kept this up, maybe in a few months he’d be able to keep up with David and still carry on a conversation instead of staying focused on dragging in each painful breath.

A shower helped, though, and a cup of coffee and a few minutes to breathe. Still, he was a little later than he normally arrived for therapy—not late, per se, but he was usually the first one in the room.

Dick and Jane were already sitting on the wicker loveseat. The shrink had apparently just gotten there and was about to sit down in his usual chair when Zach came in and closed the door behind him. “Sorry I’m late,” he said apologetically.

“You’re not,” Dr. Barrett said, with a raised eyebrow. “How are you, Zach?”

“Good,” Zach said. He went to his chair and dropped into it. He was already starting to ache a little from his exercise; he reached down and massaged a calf muscle. “A little sore—I went running this morning.”

“You did?” Jane asked curiously. “All by yourself? Did you remember to take the cougar stick?” She referred to the heavy walking stick they took on the trails when hiking.

“No, I forgot, but we didn’t leave the compound, just followed the running trail. Well, I didn’t do much running. Just every once in a while. Besides, I wasn’t by myself.” Zach took a deep breath. “I was with Taff. I ran into him last night, and we talked, and, well, decided to go running this morning.”

There was dead silence, then Jane said, “But I thought….”

“Yeah. Mom. I
said
I didn’t hate Taff. I don’t. And I’m not scared of him or anything stupid like that. I know I let you think that for a long time. It was just… easier.”

“Easier?” his father echoed in confusion. “Easier than what?”

“Than… than explaining why I reacted the way I did.” Zach shot a desperate look at Dr. Barrett. “Do I have to talk about this?”

“Of course not,” Dr. Barrett said. “You and your parents direct these sessions, Zach—I’m only here to facilitate.”

“I’d like to know, honey,” Jane said quietly. “It’s really bothered us, thinking that something had happened between you and David that might have caused you….”

“No! Jesus, no,” Zach shook his head. “I didn’t even
talk
to Taff before I left for Aunt Alicia’s. No, David didn’t do anything. It was all me. I mean….” He sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “Shit. You know how fucked up I was when I got back to the States. I didn’t even fucking
talk
, for God’s sake. I was afraid of
you
guys. I was afraid of everything.” He took a deep, shuddering breath and raised his head. “Esteban used you guys to get to me. He told me shit, like that you’d sent me off on purpose, that you didn’t want me to come home, that you never paid the ransom, that kind of stuff. You know all that. But he didn’t know about David. Taff was safe as long as I never said anything, never even
thought
about him, never let him into my head. He couldn’t talk trash about Taff if he didn’t know Taff existed. So I had to keep it that way.

“You know from yesterday that I had—and still have—issues with reality. With belief.” Zach met Richard’s eyes. “I
know
things, but inside, I don’t always
trust
them. When I first came back, I didn’t believe anything was real. That was part of what made me afraid. I’d had nightmares about you in the jungle from Esteban’s stories, nightmares that you would turn into monsters and eat me—”

“Jesus,” Richard muttered.

“—and I was terrified when you first came to see me. I don’t remember exactly, but Fluffy told me that I had my first panic attack then. All I remember is being scared that you would eat me after you got done ripping Fluffy to shreds…. And then you came in and you were just you guys and it was okay. I
knew
Esteban was lying all along, but I didn’t
believe
he was. It’s just how good he was at fucking me up.

“When Taff came to see me….” Zach paused, feeling the first bits of nausea that presaged another panic attack. He flexed his hands and plowed on. “When you came in and said he was there, all I could think about was that Esteban had found out about Taff, that he wasn’t hidden anymore, that he wasn’t
safe
, and I’d been trying for
five years
to keep Taff safe in my head.” His breaths were coming quicker now, and he fought it, breathing slowly in through his nose, holding it, releasing it slowly from his mouth. It took a minute, but his heart slowed.

His parents were watching him, their hands clasped tightly together.

“That was why I started screaming. I was so afraid of what Esteban had done to Taff. I
knew
Esteban was dead, but I didn’t
believe
it. And now he had Taff….”

He was shaking when he was finished, but at least he’d staved off the panic attack. It was a relief, to have that all done with, to have the truth about his craziness out.

“Oh, love,” Jane said gently. He met her eyes and tried to smile.

“I know. It’s really fucked up, isn’t it? Thinking a dead guy could do anything to someone thousands of miles away he didn’t even
know
…. It’s not even rational.”

“Zach, if everyone was rational all the time, we’d be Vulcans, not humans,” Dr. Barrett said easily. “It’s very common for perception and belief to be 180 degrees from reality. You were in a highly unhealthy situation for a very long time. It’s only been a relatively short while since you’ve been back, comparatively speaking, and you’ve made tremendous strides. But you have to accept that you’re a human being. You won’t
be
rational all the time—we’re just not built that way. Humans are emotional, empathetic, superstitious, suggestible and infinitely flexible, and people like Esteban know how to manipulate others to do and
think
the way they want them to. He was a professional, Zach. He manipulated his followers, he manipulated local government officials, and he manipulated you.” He smiled faintly. “It’s a normal human desire to think of oneself as being smarter than the average, but in the end, we are none of us any
wiser
than the other.”

“I killed him,” Zach said abruptly.

“Yes.”

“When we were in Minnesota last year, at that clinic for torture victims, they talked about Stockholm Syndrome?”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t get it. I never empathized with him, I never identified with him. I hated his fucking guts and I fought him. I fought him until he broke me, but I never stopped hating him.” His eyes met Dr. Barrett’s, for probably the first time since he’d started working with the man. “Stockholm Syndrome, my ass. I fought the bastard, I hated the bastard, and I killed the bastard. And you know what? I’d do it again.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“It kind of bugged the therapists at the clinic,” Zach admitted.

“I’m not asking about the therapists. I’m asking about you.”

Zach didn’t answer right away. He wasn’t sure what the answer would be.

Jane said fiercely, “You did the right thing, honey. You absolutely did the right thing. It was, it was
war
.”

He laughed. “You’re such a mom, Mom. What happened to the pacifist?”

“She is a mom, Zach,” Richard said. “Pacifism is fine until it’s your offspring on the firing line. You should have seen her ripping into the Costa Rican officials we had to deal with in San Juan. Almost got your aunt kicked off her project.”

“Well, Zach?” Dr. Barrett asked.

“Well. I feel—well, I feel like I should be sorry, but I’m not.”

“Why do you feel that you should be sorry?”

“Because normal people don’t kill people.”

“Soldiers kill people. Cops kill people.”

“Yeah, but in extraordinary circumstances….” Zach trailed off. “Jesus, I couldn’t have gotten into a more extraordinary circumstance, could I?”

“I would say it was pretty much unique,” Richard agreed.

“So you think I shouldn’t feel bad because I
don’t
feel bad?” Zach frowned.

“Let me put it to you this way.” Dr. Barrett sat back and steepled his fingers. “Do you foresee any circumstances, any situation that you would be in, where you would feel the need to kill anyone, outside the extreme situation that you found yourself in? If you had had the chance to escape without killing Esteban, would you have taken it?”

“Hell, yes,” Zach said.

“Why did you kill him?”

“I should think that was obvious!” Jane said indignantly. Richard hushed her.

Taking a deep breath, Zach said, “Because it was my only chance to end it. I knew….” He glanced at his parents. They hadn’t heard this part and he was frightened of how they would take it. “Because I knew that either way it would end. If I didn’t succeed in killing him, he’d kill me in self-defense. And it would be over. And I thought”—he swallowed—“I thought the shooting outside was one of the other paramilitary groups in the area, and that they’d kill me, but I would have rather been killed by them than gone on being Esteban’s dog. So I figured I’d be dead either way and that would be okay.”

His mother was crying softly.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” Zach said. “I didn’t want you to know about that. It was stupid. But it turned out okay, didn’t it? I would have much rather it turned out the way it did, really. Even if I am a bit nuts now.” He flashed Dr. Barrett a quick smile; the good doctor blinked in surprise. “So it’s okay, what I did?”

“That’s for you to decide,” the doctor said.

“Then I decide it was okay,” Zach said. He collapsed back in the chair, astonished at how relieved he felt. “It was okay. It was like a soldier, killing an enemy before he kills him. Or a cop, killing a… a murderer. Justifiable homicide.” He grinned widely. “Shit, it was justifiable homicide, not murder. He was the criminal, not me.”

“Not revenge?”

Zach blanched. “What?”

“You didn’t kill him for revenge? Because of what he did to you?”

“No. I hated him for that, but I killed him to make it stop.”

Dr. Barrett smiled. “Excellent session today, Zach, Jane, Richard. Zach—I’ll see you this afternoon.”

“Sure,” Zach said.

He hung around waiting until Dr. Barrett had gone, then he said to Richard, “Dad, do you gotta go right back to work?”

“No, of course not,” Richard said in confusion. “The place runs fine without me; they just keep my cubicle so I have someplace to go when your mother throws me out.”

“Good. I’m almost finished with the Charger’s engine block and I need some help getting it back in.” Zach gave him a shy smile. “I thought maybe you could help?”

“Glory hallelujah,” Richard said. “He asks for something!”

“Yeah. Well.” Zach felt his face flush. “I did a lot of thinking this morning, about some of the stuff Taff and I talked about last night. He said something about we can’t have things the way they were, but he didn’t want to keep things the way they are. I feel the same way. You said yesterday that you and Mom hated the way things were just like I did, and when I was running this morning I thought that maybe we could change them. Make things not the way they were, but not the way they are now, either. Does that make any sense?”