Finding You (Finding You Series Book 1) (12 page)

Chapter Ten

Dakota

I had been waiting for the right moment to open my heart up and now seemed as good a time as any. I needed to let go and move forward, to stop letting the past control me.

Slowly and bravely I took a deep breath, swallowed my fear, and began:

“I knew John when we were at school together but didn’t really have much to do with him. He was always hanging around the popular kids and I was just nobody in particular. He barely knew I existed and when we’d pass each other in the hallway he wouldn’t even acknowledge that he’d seen me. My two close friends and I whispered to each other about how cute he was but knew that he wasn’t interested. It wasn’t that we were ugly or anything but back then we were going through that gangly, awkward stage. I didn’t develop breasts until I was sixteen, which was quite a bit later than most of the girls my age. Breasts were a big thing back then. It didn’t really matter what you looked like, but the bigger your breasts, the more boys you would have hanging around.”

I peeked around at Kyle and noticed his wide eyes and a humorous smirk on his face but he didn’t say anything, just nodded at me to continue.

“John would always have a couple of women on each arm. I just resigned myself to the fact that I would never have a boyfriend, so I focused my attention on other things, one of which was writing.

“After leaving school I was out partying with friends when we stumbled into John at a nightclub. By that time, I had blossomed into a woman with breasts. We started talking and reminiscing about our old school and before I knew it, he was writing down my phone number. I couldn’t believe that one of the popular boys in school was now asking me out. I felt extremely privileged.

“John rang me a few nights later and we arranged to go see a movie together. I still to this day can’t remember what the movie was about as we didn’t end up watching much of it.”

Kyle frowned. It was one of the few times I had seen his expression change. If only he knew what was to come. I could tell he didn’t like the thought of another man kissing me. I immediately put his mind at ease.

“Don’t worry, compared to you on the kissing scale, he scored only a three. The numbers don’t go high enough to rate your kisses.” I gave him a lingering smooch just to prove it.

His mood lightened, enabling me to continue as I settled against him:

“We became a hot item after that night, going away for weekends and talking of a future together. He was always a charmer, buying me things and talking the talk. He’d always had a temper though and spoke down to me all the time, but I was too blinded by what I thought was love to see through it. It was hard to resist all the gifts, even when he’d put me down all the time. My parents didn’t take to him at all. They could see through the façade. Little things he did and said gave it away but again, I was too blind to notice.

“Smitten by all the gifts, we moved in together and were married a short time after. My mother was the first one to question my motives.

“‘Don’t you think you should think about this a bit more?’ she had asked when we were alone together. ‘You’re still young. Why don’t you go overseas for a while? You’ve got plenty of time to settle down later.’

“But I loved him and I didn’t want to end up alone. All my friends were married, I had argued, not wanting to listen to the advice.

“My parents paid for most of the wedding, even though they were against it slightly, they resigned themselves to the fact that I’d go ahead with or without their blessing. The day went off without a hitch but it poured down only moments before I arrived at the church and then it stopped just as suddenly and sunshine teemed down on us. I think secretly it was an omen, warning me that my marriage would be stormy, but in the end I’d find the beautiful rays of the sun.

“You are that ray of sunshine, Kyle. You’ve opened up my heart in ways that you couldn’t imagine. Ways that I never knew were possible.”

He brushed the hair from my face and turned my head to face him.

“It’s me who should be thanking you, beautiful girl. You are like a breath of fresh air to me. You’ve flown into my life and knocked me for a loop. It feels like I’ve been hit by something so big that I can’t control it. These feelings I’ve got inside of me are consuming me. I can’t explain it. When I’m not with you, I ache.”

I had to shake my head slightly to see if I’d been hearing things. This was so beautifully insane. My heart sang and my libido rejoiced. We hadn’t even done the dirty deed. And yet he had just declared himself to me. Maybe that was the key. Keep sex out of the equation to start with and true feelings would shine through.

“I feel the same way. I can’t describe it, either. It’s strong. Every part of me wants to be with you.” I didn’t recognize the woman talking. She was talking from a place that I didn’t know existed. A space inside of my soul that was opening up.

Kyle pulled me back into his protective arms, kissing the top of my head. “I’m so glad you feel that way. You’re so stunning. Sitting her like this, just holding you. It feels, right. Let’s take each day as it comes and see where these feelings lead us.” His fingers were combing through my hair.

Even though talking about my past hurt like hell, having Kyle hold me and caress me helped ease the ache.

“I’m sorry. Go on. You weren’t finished.”

I didn’t know if I wanted to finish. I was enjoying the quiet too much. However, I knew I had to finish to try and add some closure to the saga that had been my life.

“The first month of married life was bearable, then as unforgiving as a monsoon the rain began to pour. I suddenly started really noticing John’s temper, which by now was unbearable. He’d come home from work and if his dinner wasn’t on the table just the way he liked it, all hell would break loose.

“Dutifully, I’d prepare a three course feast for him, leaving me in the kitchen for hours. Some nights I’d crawl into bed completely exhausted and then have to make love to him. I eventually had to pretend that I was enjoying it, which became easy after a while, for my whole existence became a charade. I didn’t say anything to my parents for fear of them saying to me, ‘I told you so,’ so I suffered in silence.

“He started drinking heavily, causing his temper to skyrocket. The nights when he went down to the pub with his mates were my nice, quiet time. Almost like the lull before the storm. He’d waltz into the house making demands, whether it was food or sex. I was always hoping it would be food. If I didn’t comply or complained about being too tired, he’d start getting physical.”

I choked back the tears, trying to stay strong but the horror of everything was like it only happened yesterday and talking about it now brought everything to the surface. The volcano was ready to erupt.

“It was horrible, Kyle. It was degrading and emotionally devastating,” I gasped, breaking down and sobbing, trying to go on. “It was like a different person coming forth as his fists pounded into me. The more I tried to fight him, the more violent he became. He even resorted to holding a cigarette lighter on my skin, watching me cry and writhe in agony as he laughed and told me how weak I was. I had to start lying to my family about all the bruises, saying that I’d fallen down the stairs or bumped into something. The last time he hit me, he knocked me unconscious and left me on the floor to die. When I awoke dazed and disoriented, I somehow managed to call my parents to come and get me.”

The dam burst and pain overwhelmed me, causing my body to shudder violently. I’d been lost for so long and grieved for having lost myself.

Kyle offered his strong arms and warm body. He seemed to know what I needed and I was grateful for that. He handed me tissues that I didn’t even know had been packed and held my hand, stroking me until the convulsions left and I was still. It felt like an eternity. I was so relieved that everything was out in the open. There were no more skeletons in the closet. A shift had taken place. He now knew everything about me and the ball was in his court. He could either stay or go. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to be a part of someone’s life that had so much baggage. In fact, I was expecting it.

I brought my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs, rocking back and forth, letting the vast wilderness carry away my past.

Kyle sat speechless, gazing out to sea as if pondering upon the revelations. I wasn’t game to speak. I didn’t know what to say, anyway. What could I say after that bomb?

When he finally turned his head and looked at me, his eyes were moist.

“My sweet Dakota. I never knew you’d endured such evil. I want to kill him and I think that if I ever lay eyes on him, I’ll do just that. It pains me to think that anyone would want to hurt someone as nice as you. I wish I could take it all away but I can’t, which makes me feel so
helpless. I’m so sorry. Maybe it was better not to open the can of worms.”

“No! I don’t want us to have any secrets. I’m glad you know everything now. We can put it behind us and enjoy our time together. I feel stronger now, knowing that I don’t have to keep this from you. It’s a relief. My parents are the only ones that know the truth. You’re the first person I’ve opened up to and told everything to, apart from them. It feels…good.” I rested my tear-stained cheek on one knee as I looked at him, sideways. No man had every cried over me. None. I could almost feel my heart breaking a second time at the tears in his eyes. It was as if my pain was now his pain. Is that what happened when two people cared about each other? They shared the same emotions?

I’d rambled on all afternoon. It was supposed to have been a romantic day but all I’d done was talk.

The sun was a rich, burnt-amber color as it disappeared over the horizon, creating a huge afterglow over the ocean. The brilliance of flames burst forth towards us as we sat, spellbound by its beauty.

The white caps on the ocean had disappeared and everything looked serene again, as if the ocean had been eavesdropping on my conversation with Kyle and was now happy and weightless.

I was reluctant and hesitated before speaking. “I guess. It’s just so magical here, it’s hard to leave.”

I felt him shift and move in to me, pulling me back to his chest, where I relaxed with the regular beating of his heart. The safety of his arms enveloped me, emblazoned me with peace.

I chuckled at the thought. “The only snag in that wonderful dream is the fifty or so crew members that know where you are. We’d have to escape to a different island if we wanted solitude.”

“I would buy you an island if that’s what you wanted. I’d give you the earth.”

Pulling his wonderful, full mouth around and down onto my waiting lips was a token of my gratitude. The softness of them stole my breath. Our tongues danced together playfully. One of his hands fanned at the back of my neck while the other traced the outline of my cheekbone. Kyle’s soft whimpers were lost to mine as we tried to simmer the burning fire that quickly raged. All the emotions we’d just shared seemed to be poured into the kiss as gentle became fierce. I could feel the kiss all the way down to my toes. Desire stirred in my belly and I questioned whether I wanted to rip his clothes off and take him right there.

“Let’s finish this at my place.” Oh my God! Was I actually saying that? Did I want this? Did I want sex? After two weeks of toying with my libido and having Kyle be so patient, I knew I was ready. There was no turning back.

Kyle let out a gentle groan as his hand left my groin and teased my breast.

“Do you think you can wait that long?” he crooned, hoping to convince me otherwise.

“That depends on how fast you can drive.”

Having said that, it was the fastest pack up we’d ever done as the picnic basket and all its contents hit the floor of the car with such haste that it overturned, spilling out knives, forks and plates. Kyle hit the gas and we left in a cloud of stone-infested dust.

Before we reached the resort, Kyle broke the silence.

“Let that be our place. Whenever you are feeling down or depressed, go there in your mind’s eye and imagine us sitting there, staring out to the horizon, embraced in each other’s arms. All your fears and doubts will soon go away.”

I loved it. I was the writer and yet he was the one that always managed to say the right things. I vowed to treasure our place in my heart and would never forget it, ever.

As we entered Reception, Ramah looked up from behind the counter. She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes.